I think I just need help

[thisfadedangel]

This is a question for both the guys and the ladies out there. I am a 21 year old female, and have just recently lost my virginity. The guy I’m dating is older than I am by a few years, and has had previous sexual encounters. Now, this is a long distance relationship, so it’s not like I have a ton of time with him to hone my skills at this, right? But the issue at hand is that I think I’m not aggressive enough, and I’m sort of uptight about the whole thing. It’s not that I don’t care for him, or that I’m caving in to any sort of pressure, because sleeping with him was a very thought out decision. However a brief psychoanalysis that includes years of watching my mother bounce between men, not having a father around, going to catholic schools where sex was a dirty word, engaging in a sex free two and a half year relationship with someone else, and otherwise being made to feel as if sex is dirty or inappropriate, has left me feeling somewhat prudish.
Well, maybe that’s not really correct, because prudish would imply that I don’t have any sort of desires, and I wouldn’t want to change my behavior. Let’s just say that I am a little repressed, and I’m looking for advice on how to change that. I have a hard time telling him that I want him, not because I don’t, because, oh man, do I, but because I feel like it will make me dirty or make him view me in a skanky sort of light if I tell him that. I have a hard time just letting go and enjoying sex because I’m always comparing myself to the girls that he has been with in the past, knowing that they probably knew exactly what to do, or what to say to make him happy. I’m also overweight, which doesn’t seem to bother him in the slightest, but me, I’m like, ‘if I hop on top, then he’s going to KNOW I’m fat’ like, I think I’m hiding it or something if I’m underneath him.
Logically, I know all of this is nonsense. I know that he’s not going to think I’m a whore if I tell him I need him. I know he’s not comparing me to other people, in fact, he likes the fact that I’m pure and raw, and well, I mean, it’s not like he can’t see the shape of my body underneath my clothes. As one of my friends put it, ‘Dude, it’s not like he thinks your wearing a fat suit under your clothes or something, and when they come off you’re going to magically be Cindy Crawford”. I know these things are stupid, but, at the same time, I can’t help but feel them. I think he knows this, and he’s great about making me feel good about myself…but, you know, I don’t want to just feel good about myself. I want to feel like a porn star, haha. I was wondering if any of the women here knew of any ways to dispel those nagging thoughts, or if any of the men have been with women with these sorts of insecurities, and how they eased them.
Thanks!
Angel

 

[NaiveOne]

I completely understand what you are feeling, I think I could have written those exact words a few years ago.

Despite that, I don't have much good advice. Well, let me re-phrase that. I don't have much advice that you want to hear.

I say this because my advice is to just get over it and do what YOU want. Be yourself and follow your desires. You are a wonderful, pretty, nice, fun girl I'm sure. But you also want to be that sexy woman that makes your man hard just by winking at him, am I right?

Well guess what- you ARE that sexy woman.

You are!

Sexy really is a mind-set.

Being more open and agressive takes practice and involves taking risks. It's scary for sure...

And I think almost any man here on Lit will agree with me when I say that your guy will LOVE hearing that you need him, that you crave him.

Start with baby steps.

First, realize you have all the appropriate womanly parts that men love to look at, touch, and taste. Now you just have to unleash them. Like I said earlier, sexy is a mindset.

Second, practice those sexy, smoldering bedroom eyes for the next time you see him!

I'm sure others will have some other ideas for baby steps.

Sounds like you have a great boyfriend, who cares about WHO you are!

Lucky girl

Enjoy!!!!!!!!

 

[English Lady]

Naive one is SOOOO right. Sexy is a mind set.

This guy is with you because he thinks you're sexy. Yup, so you've got a head start already.
Now let's think of baby steps....

Maybe indulge in buying some sexy underwear, it might help you feel sensual, and help you feel a bit happier about your body.If you feel sexy , you're going to look sexy and be sexy. I don't think it's cheating to get an item or two of clothing to aid this process


Get used to your own body, pamper it, befriend it and realise your sexiness. Get some lovely scented lotions and potions and pamper yourself. Have bubble bath, then smother your body in moisturiser. Get to know your body, appreciiate it. If you can believe your body is worth pampering, and enjoy stroking your own skin, it will become easier to let him stroke all your skin and see all of you..



Hope those help!

 

[YellowShirt]

If you really want to tell him what you want, try starting with something a little less sexual. Such as, I love when you cuddle with me, and things like that. Then you can slowly say more and more to him all the while gauging his reaction (which I'm sure will be good).
He sounds like a great guy, good luck!

 

[vanelane]

Lots of good answers here. He is in bed with *you* because he *wants* to be!
I applaud your seeking to become more comfortable with yourself and sensual now; way better than living with the repression, etc. for 20 years before doing something about it. One of the best things you can do is talk to him about your feelings. I have no doubt he would love to do for you anything your heart desires and it will turn him on no end to know how much you want him. Telling him you feel like you want to be more assertive in bed, but find yourself held back by x, y and z allows him to reassure you about how much he would love it.
Since it's a long distance relationship, you have the opportunity to do a little playing with email and text messages, etc. It can be really fun to talk about sex from afar and then play it out when you're together.

 

[kiwichyck]

First of all, good on you. It takes guts to overcome your inhibitions.

I'm working through similar issues myself. I can't really be bothered typing a big thing right now, I just got out of bed! However I have contributed on other threads about closely related topics in the 'For those that have a hard time communicating with their SO' thread, and also Mr G's 'Try this and report back' thread. You could try reading those for some tips, and also search under my username.

If you want to talk more, I will check back here later or you can PM me.

 

[thisfadedangel]

Thanks for all of your responses! I know that I just need to learn to 'let go', but, you know, that is waaay easier said than done. I think that once I start accepting my body, and in turn, my sexuality, I'll be okay. Actually, I'm pretty sure there is a pretty feisty little vixen in there somewhere, I just have to coax her out, and shut everything else (ie-my upbringing) up. Simple, right? But in all seriousness, you're all right that this boils down to being able to feel sexy and confident. I'll work on it and let you know how it goes. I won't be seeing him for a month or so, so, hopefully in that time, well, you know, I can build up some confidence. Thanks

 

[NaiveOne]

Thanks for all of your responses! I know that I just need to learn to 'let go', but, you know, that is waaay easier said than done. I think that once I start accepting my body, and in turn, my sexuality, I'll be okay. Actually, I'm pretty sure there is a pretty feisty little vixen in there somewhere, I just have to coax her out, and shut everything else (ie-my upbringing) up. Simple, right? But in all seriousness, you're all right that this boils down to being able to feel sexy and confident. I'll work on it and let you know how it goes. I won't be seeing him for a month or so, so, hopefully in that time, well, you know, I can build up some confidence. Thanks

It sounds like you have a really good attitude about this.

And yes, I bet there is a pretty little vixen in there!

Just don't get too frustrated. It took your whole childhood to make you who you are today, so it will take some time to let that go and become your own woman.

Good news is that I can tell you from experience that it gets easier and easier as you go along. It's tough to make that first leap, but the subsequent leaps get a little easier everytime.

I agree with vanelane's suggestion to use this time to play a little when you aren't in person. I had a really good cyber/phone sex friend who helped me feel more sexy- it's easier when you're not there in person to feel sexy sometimes. Talk naughty on the phone or maybe get a webcam and put on a little show for him.

And BELIEVE him when he tells you how sweet and beautiful and sexy you are!

 

[Cathleen]

Such great words here thisfadedangel... all I'll add is be patient with yourself. It takes time to be comfortable with new things. You'll get there, you've already taken solid steps.

Hanging around here can be very helpful too.

 

[jerseyman1963]

Don't play the game of comparing yourself to your BF's past girlfriends. It's a completely understandable and an easy trap to fall into, but it's comparing apples and oranges. Even if we assume for the sake of arguement that one or more of them were better in bed than you are, they were still in some way deficient when it came to his likes and dislikes, or he would still be with them, so you still come out on top overall!

Don't worry about your weight or size either. Sexiness in my experience has nothing to do with looks or, for that matter, weight or size either. Some of the sexiest women I have known did not sport the body type the mass media culture tells us they should have. But they did have a special something, a glow, a self confidence, a joy of experiencing life on their own terms, a courage to break with tradition, and that more than anything is an undeniably sexy and attractive quality. There is nothing hotter than a woman who says to you, in one set of words or another, "I think you're attractive and I want to make beautiful music together."

I applaud your exploration of another side of yourself that it seems many in your life to date would not approve of, but give yourself time. You can't find a brand new way of being and change years of buying into someone else's ideas of what's right and wrong over night. There's an inherent inner conflict and someone here said be patient, and I second that.

Your angelic glow may be fading, but some of it will remain intact, and the part that fades away will be replaced by a devilish side that, once it becomes second nature and incorporated into the rest of yourself as you shoose to be, you will enjoy unleashing. But experience each step along the way for it's own joys ands don't rush it. You're young, and on a great path of starting to define life on your own terms and develop into a more well rounded and complex person. You've got a leg up on the men and women that will start this path later, or never. We've all gotta do what we've gotta do when we've gotta do it, but I'm jealous... the fun I could have had if I was at the point you are at your age!

 

[TBKahuna123]

OK, first off you do realize that you are totally normal, right? Rare is the 22 year old girl who CAN fully express what she wants sexually with confidence. You've been with one guy, you're still experimenting, and there's ntohing wrong with being a little shy about it. Add a good helping of Catholic guilt(which I know oh so well) and you have a party!

Seriously though, listen to the advice given here. These ladies know of which they speak. From a guy's perspective though, don't worry about telling us what you want making you seem skanky or dirty. First off, we like dirty! We want a woman who's a lady in public and a freak in the bedroom! Second, if your BF isn't mature enough to handle you telling him what you want then you've got bigger relationship issues anyway.

The best advice I could give is to sit down wiht him and tell him the truth. Tell him that he's the first guy you've been wiht and that you trusted him enough to be your first. Because of that you trust him enough to explore other things with him and ask him how he'd feel about that. Tell him what your fears are, that he might think less of you if you asking to try something. Once that's out there on the table, it'll take the pressure off you.

I've found that the biggest issue is when you repress things like this because you are scared how your partner will react. I agree you don't want to just spring something wild on him, as this can be confusing. If you have talked about it a bit though, and he knows it's coming, his instinctive reaction will be "hell yeah" instead of "um, would you repeat that?"

 

[ddag]

sweetie, let me assure you that what you are feeling is absolutely normal and natural. as in any new "activity", there is a period of awkwardness and uncertainty. a little time and an understanding partner is all you need to usher you through the doorway of sexual expression. before you know it, you'll be an old perv like the rest of your friends on lit...lol..

good luck my dear. you sound like a wonderfully sweet young gal.