I think that I really need some help tonight...

[neonflux]

I am losing it... really losing it. I should be working and I haven't been able to force myself to do so. The only thing that seems to bring relief is to respond to people's posts here. I am, I think, experiencing sub drop for the first time, but it could be more - was completely unprepared for it. About 1.5 months ago, took an intensive workshop for dominant and switch women - my kink partner subbed for me at the graduation play party. since then, I have been moving towards seeing myself as more Dominant than bottom or sub...

He just took the men's version of the intensive this weekend. At the graduation play party last night I subbed for him - I opened myself up in a way that I have never opened myself up to anyone before, ever (my only intention for the scene - a gift to him). He offered to see me tonight for a half hour between work and rehearsal, but I knew how tired he was - also remember how wiped I was after the intensive I took and thought I could deal with what was happening on my own, but now I'm not so sure...

I just keep shaking. Literally, physically shaking. And my heart keeps pounding - I'm sure that my blood pressure is through the roof. If I was normally a crier, am sure would be doing that, too. I don't think that it's the endorphin drop - I've endured much more pain and not experienced sub drop to any great degree before. I think that I am not used to being so vulnerable to anyone and even though I wouldn't take back what occured last night for anything in the world, and felt good about it then, I am not enjoying it now. I feel like rather than finding a part of myself I lost a part of myself instead.

I don't know if this is making any sense...

Neon

My sister is working on her writing sample for teaching jobs, two friends I would be willing to share this with are out of town. if anyone is willing to PM me...

 

[chris9]

I'm sorry, Neon
*great big hugs*

I'll be on for a bit yet, so if you want to pm, please go ahead

 

[A Desert Rose]

I am losing it... really losing it. I should be working and I haven't been able to force myself to do so. The only thing that seems to bring relief is to respond to people's posts here. I am, I think, experiencing sub drop for the first time, but it could be more - was completely unprepared for it. About 1.5 months ago, took an intensive workshop for dominant and switch women - my kink partner subbed for me at the graduation play party. since then, I have been moving towards seeing myself as more Dominant than bottom or sub...

He just took the men's version of the intensive this weekend. At the graduation play party last night I subbed for him - I opened myself up in a way that I have never opened myself up to anyone before, ever (my only intention for the scene - a gift to him). He offered to see me tonight for a half hour between work and rehearsal, but I knew how tired he was - also remember how wiped I was after the intensive I took and thought I could deal with what was happening on my own, but now I'm not so sure...

I just keep shaking. Literally, physically shaking. And my heart keeps pounding - I'm sure that my blood pressure is through the roof. If I was normally a crier, am sure would be doing that, too. I don't think that it's the endorphin drop - I've endured much more pain and not experienced sub drop to any great degree before. I think that I am not used to being so vulnerable to anyone and even though I wouldn't take back what occured last night for anything in the world, and felt good about it then, I am not enjoying it now. I feel like rather than finding a part of myself I lost a part of myself instead.

I don't know if this is making any sense...

Neon

My sister is working on her writing sample for teaching jobs, two friends I would be willing to share this with are out of town. if anyone is willing to PM me...

You've likely gotten a dozen PMs by now, so I won't bug you.

I do know how you're feeling, though. And I have some ideas for you.

 

[RJMasters]

I am losing it... really losing it. I should be working and I haven't been able to force myself to do so. The only thing that seems to bring relief is to respond to people's posts here. I am, I think, experiencing sub drop for the first time, but it could be more - was completely unprepared for it. About 1.5 months ago, took an intensive workshop for dominant and switch women - my kink partner subbed for me at the graduation play party. since then, I have been moving towards seeing myself as more Dominant than bottom or sub...

He just took the men's version of the intensive this weekend. At the graduation play party last night I subbed for him - I opened myself up in a way that I have never opened myself up to anyone before, ever (my only intention for the scene - a gift to him). He offered to see me tonight for a half hour between work and rehearsal, but I knew how tired he was - also remember how wiped I was after the intensive I took and thought I could deal with what was happening on my own, but now I'm not so sure...

I just keep shaking. Literally, physically shaking. And my heart keeps pounding - I'm sure that my blood pressure is through the roof. If I was normally a crier, am sure would be doing that, too. I don't think that it's the endorphin drop - I've endured much more pain and not experienced sub drop to any great degree before. I think that I am not used to being so vulnerable to anyone and even though I wouldn't take back what occured last night for anything in the world, and felt good about it then, I am not enjoying it now. I feel like rather than finding a part of myself I lost a part of myself instead.

I don't know if this is making any sense...

Neon

My sister is working on her writing sample for teaching jobs, two friends I would be willing to share this with are out of town. if anyone is willing to PM me...

Neon,

If I am not mistaken, you have been doing alot of growing lately and discovery through experience. As you said mostly this growth and experience has been on the top side of things.

It could be that from these experiences you have learned a deeper sense about some things. Basically knowing the otherside of the coin "more" has helped you in further understand the desire one wants from the one surrenduring.

Of the switches I know, they are much like a pendleum. They will move in a direction for sometime then they will often reach a point where they revese direction and move the other way in an equal porpotional way. In this way they find a balance over time within themselves.

It sounds to me like you haven't lost part of yourself as much as you have found more of yourself on a deeper level. This doesn't nullify the other, but it may take some time to figure out where this "more" fits.

right now your body is probably depleted, your mind is racing 200mph and your emotions are fluxing from numb to overload. You will peice things together, just give it some time. In the meantime you should drink some juice and eat some fruit to get your body chemicals balanced. Maybe a teaspoon of honey or peanutbutter.

One thing you can glean from this experience is when you return to the other side of the whip...you will understand even better now what one is going through when they give you their all. When they open themselves to you completely and become undone for you. This experience will help you and make you stronger, wiser and more attentive when you walk unhindered on another's sacred ground within them.

I hope you feel better soon

 

[Shankara20]

Neon, I am still under-coffeed so this will be a short note for now. By opening up your vulnerability that way you dropped an old identity, an identity you knew. This new identity, this new "you", you are creating has not formed yet, so there can be a time of being lost within yourself. I encourage you to embrace this new "you" as you can.

I'll try to add more as coffee and work allow.

Shank

 

[Shankara20]

I have done extensive work in what some call non-ordinary states of consciousness – most of it has been with non-substance self induced purposively directed states induced for such activities as heavy meditation, fasting, trans-dance, altered breathing and, of course, bottoming for intense play.

It is not unusual at all for someone to have what you are reporting especially when there is the added factor of opening up a new vulnerability. A metaphor that might be helpful is that of a newborn just after birth. There is a need for physical nurturing as well as emotional nurturing. Warm baths, soft blankets, warn tea, quiet time, as much self-protection as possible all help. This may take several days to fully pass, I suggest for the next few days you stay way from aggressive people as much as possible, leave the news turned off, eat grounding foods like beans and rice, a little meat if so inclined. It might help to draw some to just let nonverbal expression happen. And pay attention to what you see about your new self, this is a fantastic opportunity to learn something new about who you are.

Some call these AFGO’s – Another Fricking Growth Opportunity.

Please check in before long. If this state continues there are people in your area that can help sort this out with you. PM if you wish.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Ohhh Neon ..........

 

[neonflux]

Goddess, thank you wveryone who has posted and/or pm-ed me. Am beginning to realize that this is even bigger than I thought initially - needs a lot of consideration and time. Am actually able to work this morning, so will post more later when I've had more time to think all of this out...

With tremendous gratitude.

Neon

P.S., now I DO feel like crying, LOL.

 

[Netzach]

I'll drop publicly what I dropped privately, Netzie's good hard cold Jewish Gramma kind of thing which took her years to figure out on her own:

just 'cause you can do it does it mean you got ta do it?

I remember this kind of experience all too well as I was finding my feet. For some it's a thing to be "worked through" and kudos and my utmost admiration to submissive souls who find that the jewels on the other side of the trials by fire are worth it

for me, they were not. They are not. I'm glad I had this kind of experience for all the reasons RJ mentioned, but it wasn't something I wanted to repeat over and over, more something that I found lent shape and focus to my D, and has made me the D I am.

Neon will figure this out for herself, and wonderfully well -- but it's scary how much of myself I saw in this post and it would be remiss of me not to say that what I learned *is* one of the possibilities out there.

 

[BiBunny]

I drop like a rock after playing, every single time. The harder I play, the worse it is. I have crazy endorphins, for one thing. They come out in huge amounts, more than anyone else's I've ever seen, and wreak havoc everywhere. It's more than the endorphins for me, though. Even though I say I've basically accepted myself for who I am, I feel broken every time I make myself vulnerable, no matter how much care I get afterwards. For me, the drop is much, much worse when the scene is more about submission than S&M. Submission has always been a hard road for me and is one I won't be venturing down again unless something huge happens.

Anyway, the things that worked for me were to curl up somewhere with a big, soft comforter and a comfortable pillow. Stuffed animals are good, too. I just buried myself away and cried it out if I needed to. I always had to be alone; even my girlfriend knew not to bother me when I got this way. Then, I would just remind myself that I was safe, sane, and secure, even if I didn't necessarily feel that way at the moment. I'm going to stop here before I get bitter, LOL.

Know that there are plenty of people who know exactly how you feel. It gets better. It may last awhile, but there is another, brighter side. I think the longest it's ever lasted for me was about a week or so. Feel better, Ms. Neon.

 

[ShamedGirl]

I drop like a rock after playing, every single time. The harder I play, the worse it is. I have crazy endorphins, for one thing. They come out in huge amounts, more than anyone else's I've ever seen, and wreak havoc everywhere. It's more than the endorphins for me, though. Even though I say I've basically accepted myself for who I am, I feel broken every time I make myself vulnerable, no matter how much care I get afterwards. For me, the drop is much, much worse when the scene is more about submission than S&M. Submission has always been a hard road for me and is one I won't be venturing down again unless something huge happens.

Anyway, the things that worked for me were to curl up somewhere with a big, soft comforter and a comfortable pillow. Stuffed animals are good, too. I just buried myself away and cried it out if I needed to. I always had to be alone; even my girlfriend knew not to bother me when I got this way. Then, I would just remind myself that I was safe, sane, and secure, even if I didn't necessarily feel that way at the moment. I'm going to stop here before I get bitter, LOL.

Know that there are plenty of people who know exactly how you feel. It gets better. It may last awhile, but there is another, brighter side. I think the longest it's ever lasted for me was about a week or so. Feel better, Ms. Neon.

Neon, I've replied privately, but just wanted to agree with BiBunny! Curl up with a big soft pillow and have a damn good cry if you need to! Crying is a natural release of emotions, not just bad emotions! Good emotions as well.

You've opened your soul, and that takes time to come to terms with! As Bi Bunny says ... remember that you were and are, Safe, Sane, secure, loved and with people who really understand what you are experiencing.

Nuture yourself, give yourself time to come to terms with the intense feelings and when you are ready embrace yourself and be proud of what you have experienced!!

Kisses and hugs, from someone else who had a bad drop this weekend!

S

 

[s_red830]

Oh, sweetheart. :hugs:

 

[FurryFury]

This is one reason why I love this board. You've gotten some good advice from some wise and experienced people.

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[neonflux]

This is one reason why I love this board. You've gotten some good advice from some wise and experienced people.

*HUGS*

Fury

It is one of the reasons I love this board, also. The folks here are kind, also. And thank you immensely for the hug.

 

[neonflux]

Oh, sweetheart. :hugs:

I'm getting better...

 

[myinnerslut]

I'm getting better...

yay!!!

 

[neonflux]

To ShamedGirl and BiBunny, I cannot express in words how much I appreciate your support! Similar to where I grew up (El Paso, TX), and some of my favorite wildflowers.

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q91/cleasf/wildflowers-2005.jpg

 

[neonflux]

All that you wrote speaks to both my heart and intellect, especially, "This experience will help you and make you stronger, wiser and more attentive when you walk unhindered on another's sacred ground within them." I don't know where the journey will take me, but I will find balance. It's important to be reminded of this. On reflection, I also think that I need to slow down a little, to let things settle... Neon

Neon,

If I am not mistaken, you have been doing alot of growing lately and discovery through experience. As you said mostly this growth and experience has been on the top side of things.

It could be that from these experiences you have learned a deeper sense about some things. Basically knowing the otherside of the coin "more" has helped you in further understand the desire one wants from the one surrenduring.

Of the switches I know, they are much like a pendleum. They will move in a direction for sometime then they will often reach a point where they revese direction and move the other way in an equal porpotional way. In this way they find a balance over time within themselves.

It sounds to me like you haven't lost part of yourself as much as you have found more of yourself on a deeper level. This doesn't nullify the other, but it may take some time to figure out where this "more" fits.

right now your body is probably depleted, your mind is racing 200mph and your emotions are fluxing from numb to overload. You will peice things together, just give it some time. In the meantime you should drink some juice and eat some fruit to get your body chemicals balanced. Maybe a teaspoon of honey or peanutbutter.

One thing you can glean from this experience is when you return to the other side of the whip...you will understand even better now what one is going through when they give you their all. When they open themselves to you completely and become undone for you. This experience will help you and make you stronger, wiser and more attentive when you walk unhindered on another's sacred ground within them.

I hope you feel better soon

 

[neonflux]

The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice. ~ George Eliot

The self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation through choice of action. ~ John Dewey

To decide, to be at the level of choice, is to take responsibility for your life and to be in control of your life. ~Abbie M. Dale

To Netzie...

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q91/cleasf/strawberryheart.jpg

I'll drop publicly what I dropped privately, Netzie's good hard cold Jewish Gramma kind of thing which took her years to figure out on her own:

just 'cause you can do it does it mean you got ta do it?

I remember this kind of experience all too well as I was finding my feet. For some it's a thing to be "worked through" and kudos and my utmost admiration to submissive souls who find that the jewels on the other side of the trials by fire are worth it

for me, they were not. They are not. I'm glad I had this kind of experience for all the reasons RJ mentioned, but it wasn't something I wanted to repeat over and over, more something that I found lent shape and focus to my D, and has made me the D I am.

Neon will figure this out for herself, and wonderfully well -- but it's scary how much of myself I saw in this post and it would be remiss of me not to say that what I learned *is* one of the possibilities out there.

 

[neonflux]

I'm sorry, Neon
*great big hugs*

I'll be on for a bit yet, so if you want to pm, please go ahead

Thank you, ADR and Chris, for being the first and responding so quickly! I was at my partner's when I read your messages and they soothed my heart.
Neon

P.S. ADR, always open to suggestions and ideas.