I'll be your critic

[Sammael Bard]

Remembering Celeste by kcRollins

So, I'm picking out stories at random. Hopefully, I can finish the list by the end of this year.

Here's a link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read.

The first few para read like an undecided rush of childish and painful things that you couldn't decide settling upon. More cringe-worthy than curiosity-inducing.

A really bad filler for even a short stroker, TBH.

That scene where Celeste says she'd die of embarrassment wasn't that funny, ya know. So someone doubling over with laughter on that point is either mentally unstable or simply too stupid. You should aim for a better quips than that. It's simply too boring to go through something like this which doesn't seem to have a point.

The sex was rushed. How the heck am I supposed to get turned on by two random faceless people, who I can barely connect with, going at it like animals. Doesn't do a thing for me. If you're aiming an erotica for a mature audience and not a bunch of 12 year olds, you have to be better than that.

Impulsive characters, like Celeste, that change their decision from one moment to the next is also a big turn-off as a reader. C'mon, dude, we're talking about normal human behaviour. That doesn't happen.

Or if it does, you should flesh out your characters more before you pull a stunt like this. What you did feels straight out of the blue, and I'm not a big fan of people pulling random stuffs right outta their asses.

The dom felt like an inexperienced asshole to me. A good master shouldn't be self-centred like the one you've created. I don't think, or got the feel, that Celeste enjoyed a single ounce of humiliation that she was served throughout the story. He reads like a classic nutcase of abusive dom wannabes who go hot and cold at the drop of a hat, with just the right amount of faux-tenderness to appeal to an abused sub.

The entire sex scene doesn't come off as erotic. It's more animalistic and full of unpredictable crap that I can't even begin to fathom. And the metaphors...god, they're horrible. Now that I'm cranked up, I think I'll get cancer from all the gushing and volcano exploding metaphors and cum-tank balls.

Humiliation fetish is a good turn on, especially when the theme is BDSM and it's written and fleshed out with great sex and characters. Unfortunately, this one doesn't even click with me a single time.


My honest vote: You don't wanna know.

Maybe this thing connected with a few. Unfortunately, I'm not them. This story is painful to read. If I had to make a suggestion, I'd ask you to read some good fiction first and learn how to create characters people can identify or sympathise with, give them an obstacle to overcome and give a read-worthy climax. A short stroker is easier to write as the author doesn't even need a gigantic conflict to finish his story.

All you had to do was to write a bedroom sex between a master and a slave with some humiliation tossed in. You could, at the very least, create a likeable dom who knows what he's doing.

Jeez. This one left a really bad taste in my mouth.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

This series is known as PULLING THE TARDS FINGER.

 

[Sammael Bard]

You're still on my ignore, Jimbo.

I heard your sorry ass wasn't getting much attention in the AH so you changed your backstory to a mafia pimp.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Here's the link to College Days Ch. 01 by JackStrange if anyone else is interested in giving it a read. There isn't much to say, so I'll keep this one short.

Your writing style is refreshingly different. Not that I'm complaining. I'm just curious. It has the tinge of a non-english speaker. I won't comment on grammar because it's defeinitely unique in its own right. Anyhow, I'll point out a few things that stuck out while reading your story:

> Numbers, unless they're a huge numeral like 1547, should be written in words. This is a general rule of thumb for people writing fiction. It's not a point that I'd like to beat you on, just something you should keep in mind.

I don't have the complete knowledge regarding this but if you're curious, a google search will probably satisfy it.

> I don't know where you set your story, but professors smoking joints with students in their apartments sounds a bit too far-fetched. I'm kinda glad that you didn't try to stuff in a hasty explanation. You don't tell and readers don't ask.

I guess it worked fine enough.

> The protagonist gives his teacher an amazing licking down there and he enters her...through the backdoor? Anal? I'm not against anal but it felt weird, I guess. Most authors usually would include a normal sex before hopping into the anal bandwagon.

I just hopped a guess that you meant doggy-style sex when you said backdoor.

> I dig the way you describe things. It's exotic, and I like that. It reminds me of another author who used to write here. There's a psychedelic touch to it and I think it matches perfectly with marijuana-fuelled sex. Good one.

I liked reading this one. If I had one word for it, it'd be 'unique'. It was, all in all, a good read. Keep writing.


Bard

 

[Sammael Bard]

Here's the link to Florentine Soujourn by jackthehack if anyone is interested in giving it a read. IDK if this spelling changes with different region, but I think it should be 'Sojourn' and not 'Soujourn'.

Anyway, before I start rambling, I have a few things to say about the category you're writing in.

Fetish is a hit-and-miss category. There's so many fetishes, some I still don't even know about. This being a catch-all category, you have to be careful with what you write here. Best way to approach this would be to compel readers to experience what you like so much about your fetish.

You're drawing in a completely random reader in who doesn't know what (s)he's expecting. Is it the experience? Taboo of doing it? Is it humiliation or something else? You have to expand on that one.


With that out of the door, let's get started:

> I liked the smooth flow of your writing. The opening doesn't feel forced but rather conversational. You delve too much on the passive past experiences of the protagonist which verges on boredom, but you didn't step the line, so hallelujah!

> I've rarely, if ever, heard people describe someone's rear deltoid except for gym and anatomy classes.

> WTF is 'browner'? You could've used something like 'she had a brown skin tone that was even deeper than mine'. Sounds less weird than browner. You're aiming for a nit of romantic theme here, so better be smooth with what you choose. It's kinda irrelevant, but it stuck out in your story.

There's a few weird superlative adjective use and grammatical wonkiness (like the one I've mentioned above) strewn throughout the story that feel out of place. You could use an editor to weed it out. Maybe it won't be worth the effort for such a short story, but still, you have the option to make it better.

> You did a decent job describing the infatuation Jack has towards Pauline. I'm not a big fan of guys falling head-over-heels in love with someone they've just seen, but you did okay.

What fell out of place was Jack stopping very frequently to admire Pauline with his own monologues. It's disturbing the flow and seems like you're trying very hard to compensate for something that isn't there.

Don't go overboard with the fawning and stick to your story.

> And now we have a cup expert in the room. Jesus, dude. I find that quite funny because even women can wear wrong cup sizes and have to rely on hit-and-trial to settle on the correct one.

And that's me speaking for someone sticking to one brand.

You can try and mention the shape and size of the breast, but logistically pointing out a cup size is something that you should avoid.

Of course, all of this is IMHO. Some people dig this. Some don't. I just pointed what I felt.

> Your description with all the obliques and serratus muscles is getting into the nerdy zone. Not everyone is aware of the whereabouts of all the muscles in our body, let alone name each of them. So put your obliques and serratus' to the corner and generalise this a bit so that normal readers can enjoy it too. Something as simple as 'well-toned' muscles will also fit into your story.

> Also I found the roll-over-gymnastics going on between these two hilarious. I get it. Jack and Pauline want to reciprocate the pleasure. Go with the flow man. Don't interrupt people when they're actually getting into it for the first time.

> Circumcision. Huh. That's a fetish? Seriously?

Damn.

I honestly don't know why you put this into fetish. This story had nothing to do with circumcised penis play. More like a bland discussion on a woman's preferences on whether they're cut or uncut.

Where's the fetish, dude?

> The ending of this story is downright artistic. Yeah, I said that. Damn A-R-T-I-S-T-I-C. It's beautiful.

Overall, I'm a bit conflicted over the choice of categorisation. It could easily be in Erotic Couplings. Fetsih needs something stronger than just a discussion on cut/uncut cocks. I'm not criticising the story for its content, just the categorisation.

This was a good read. You've only written a single story, but i hope you keep writing more.


Bard

 

[Kantarii]

Here's a link to my newest chapter of "A Slut's Triangle" the chapters aren't stand alone chapters. It's a T-girl story that doesn't follow the typical mold for the stories in the Transexual category. It's also a dialogue driven story with a lot of talking in it that tells the story through conversation. The chapters aren't long, maybe a page per chapter.

Link : https://www.literotica.com/s/a-sluts-triangle-pt-10


Kant

 

[JackStrange]

Thanks for your interest and comments.
Nothing foreign, though being from New Orleans I do share local idiosyncrasies in food, lifestyle and vocabulary. But, those who live north of Lake Pontchartrain are often referred to here as foreigners. My wife is from Montreal, and we usually speak French at home, but watch mostly America TV. (I am sure all that explains nothing.)
I plan to edit all of my stories in the next few weeks in hopes of catching most of the numerous spelling errors and brain farts. I will try to be aware of your suggestions..

I think you'll like the Doris stories...
Sorry the sex thing was unclear. I thought backdoor sounded better than doggy style.
Consciously or subliminally, my writing has been influenced by Faulkner, Evelyn Waugh and Michel Trembley among others.
Richard McCarthy (101) gave me a C+ for Hell & Louisiana Politics. Mary (102) had terrific legs. But I never seriously thought of doing her – hell she was over 30. Jack on the other hand….

 

[Sammael Bard]

As I've mentioned in the OP, I'm not taking any requests for feedback. However, other people reading this thread are free to look into your stories and comment, if that's what you want.

I'll start a new thread when this one is over.