I'm not a Dom.

[BlueSugar]

We are taught, I think, that we *are* our personalities. Well, I've learned that the most basic, elemental parts of my personality are changed 180 degrees by 30 miligrams of medication. We really are a bag of chemistry firing away at random, to a degree -- and the "soul" is much more complex and elusive than "personality" would suggest.

wow... talk about everyone seemingly to be going through the same mental challenges at the same time ...

I told someone just the other day that we are in a constant state of change. That only the cycle from chaos to order and so on is the only constant we can depend on.
(other then the life/death cycle... but even that is order - chaos etc...)

 

[BlueSugar]

It was an adorable hijack as you are just soooo excited about this cool, new project that you have been asked to do.

I like it when people get all excited and happy.

Its been popping into everyone of my conversations and its starting to drive me crazy! lol. Thanks for being understanding.

 

[Summer_Jasmine]

Betticus -
I have really been hit by what you bring up in this thread. I cannot be labeled a sub, I have no Dom, I can be labeled a single mom or a daughter or a sister, but none of that encompasses my total being.

The total is the sum of the parts right - that just makes me, me I guess. You have given me a lot to thing about on this lonely Saturday night though so thank you.

 

[Netzach]

Well I'm not going to go that far, but I know where to go if I need some good old-fashioned down to earth wisdom.

Why do you think I get to sit on people's faces? Heh.


Jeez, you guys. Thanks.

I'm actually a very crappy sick person, I mostly whine. Just ask gracie.

If I've thought of anything profound it's basically from having too much time to myself.

 

[Netzach]

wow... talk about everyone seemingly to be going through the same mental challenges at the same time ...

I told someone just the other day that we are in a constant state of change. That only the cycle from chaos to order and so on is the only constant we can depend on.
(other then the life/death cycle... but even that is order - chaos etc...)

Yep, I've been reading my Tao too. And you are so right.

 

[graceanne]

Why do you think I get to sit on people's faces? Heh.


Jeez, you guys. Thanks.

I'm actually a very crappy sick person, I mostly whine. Just ask gracie.

If I've thought of anything profound it's basically from having too much time to myself.

You don't whine. You complain, their's a difference. And everyone is allowed to complain when they're sick. It's the law.

 

[Netzach]

You don't whine. You complain, their's a difference. And everyone is allowed to complain when they're sick. It's the law.

Ok. I like the laws of your domain.

I also think it's genetics at work, I have to kvetch, it's mandatory.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

I think I may have just put into words something that all of us feel or have felt at some time.

I kind of wanted to make a whole new label once. Sensualist. I just think that 20,000 harley riding lawyers would jump right on it.

I pictured being asked what I am and who I am. Then I thought about how I would answer and the answer to both questions is the same. I'm me. Then define "me". I'm Betticus. There isn't a way to tell someone who or what you are. They just have to know you.

Sorry not to respond sooner, but have been out of pocket for a few days.

Yes, everyone may feel or have felt this way, but for me at least, the Sensualist comes before the Dominant.

If you don't mind I will add to your above postings with an excert from my journal in which I addressed this very same concept.

As I have mentioned in the past, I am a sensualist.

There is nothing that I like better than to play a woman's body like a stradivarius in the hands of a maestro. I use sensation and teasing to drive the flames of her passion to the point where she explodes. I also have no qualms about using some of the tools of the BDSM trade to further increase her pleasure, should her hot buttons happen to swing that way. I do not demand obedience from those I am with, unless it is part of what makes them tick. I do not cause them pain without having first carefully discussed their opinion of it, and determined if it is something which will increase her pleasure. I do not care for pain myself, and will only willingly inflict it upon another if that is what she desires. I do not get my jollies from causing screams of pain or suffering. I endure them, only when that is what the woman I am with needs to be fulfilled. I prefer to use some of the lighter tools of the trade, but it is very rare for me to be willing to use anything truly hardcore, such as canes, unless that is what my partner truly desires. I have friends that are, and am very happy for them that they have found out what makes them tick, and how to satisfy that need.

In short, I am not a Dom. I am alpha with a dominant personality. Everything I do is for her pleasure, as giving her pleasure serves to increase mine tenfold, and I kinda like the way that works.

I am very teasing in the way I operate, and very flirtatious. If you can't deal with my flirting, you shouldn't be hanging around me. I flirt, yet only follow through if allowed, and never force myself upon a woman. I am considered to be a "safe" person by those who have trust issues. This is mostly because I respect the boundaries of those I am with, and my ultimate goal is to make them happy and content.

Yes, this is the crux of what makes me tick. I enjoy making a woman happy.

I enjoy making her feel like she is the most beautiful, special and lucky woman in the world. I enjoy treating her like royalty, with myself as her consort. I enjoy knowing that smiles of happiness and appreciation come over her face when she discovers a note or item I left for her. I enjoy seeing her face light up when she sees me coming, for she knows that when she is with me, I will do what I can to make her feel special. I enjoy pampering my woman, treating her to dinner, and gifts. I do not expect anything in return save gratitude.

I enjoy finding out what makes my woman tick, what her hopes and dreams are, and I support her in her quest for those goals. I will be her greatest cheerleader, providing emotional support when she needs it, and reminding her that "Yes, You can do it!" I enjoy celebrating the successes with her, and I attempt to minimize the destructiveness of the setbacks.

Some may call me a male pollyanna, but would you prefer someone that degrades and depresses you?

As I have in my info:

Life is too short to be spent doing that which disgusts you. Therefore enjoy it, live it to the fullest, and do what you are called to do, not what others think you should do. When your work is your passion, it no longer becomes work, but play.

This same attitude is applied to all situations I deal with, not just work.

I am not a Dom.

I am just me.

I am playful.

I am flirtatious.

I am sensitive.

I am caring.

I am supportive.

I am kind.

I am sensual.

I am a sexual being.

I am human.

I am me.

Deal with it.

 

[Betticus]

You are really starting to freak me out man!

To the light pain fulfillment all applies but I have to admit a streak of hitherto unfulfilled dark desire in regards to the more intense things. Very carefully navigated waters though with much guidance and communication.

And lots of chocolate!

 

[TNRkitect2b]

You are really starting to freak me out man!

To the light pain fulfillment all applies but I have to admit a streak of hitherto unfulfilled dark desire in regards to the more intense things. Very carefully navigated waters though with much guidance and communication.

And lots of chocolate!

I told you.

Yes some of the more intense things have a draw to them. But, I'll stop there as we don't need to freak people out too much.

 

[caela]

You are really starting to freak me out man!

To the light pain fulfillment all applies but I have to admit a streak of hitherto unfulfilled dark desire in regards to the more intense things. Very carefully navigated waters though with much guidance and communication.

And lots of chocolate!

~perks~ Did I hear chocolate???

O.k. I'm silly I know I just couldn't resist.

I have always hated the question, "Who are you?" There are so many answers to give to such a short question! I've gotten sick of explaining myself to people though so these days I give the short answer, "I'm Jen." If that's not enough for them well fuck 'em. I don't feel the need to put myself into a tidy little box for anyone anymore. I did for years and found it stifling to the point of driving me into some of my deeper depressions.

If a person really wants the answer to that question they'll take the time to learn it. If they don't nothing I could say could answer it anyway.

 

[Technodivinitas]

My .02 cents...

As usual, I have arrived late in this thread, but I couldn't resist chiming in, and, mouthy gyrl that I am, I'm likely to ruffle a few feathers, because I tend to steer wide of any opinion that's especially popular, just for suspicion of it's popularity. Labels are fine- the problem's not the labels. (Wasn't there a long thread which eventually resulted in the common use of Pyl/pyl, like, ages ago? Wasn't it this same topic, or very near?)

I agree that we cannot be encompassed by the labels applied to us, any more than we can be defined by labels we ourselves choose. But my whacked-out father went on a many-year rampage about labels, numbers, and titles, the results of which- well, it's way too complicated to explain here. His beef was, "Numbers are the govt.'s way of controlling us." I can't really say I think he was wrong, but when it comes to the mail, there's some 260 million people in the USA. Expecting an agency to locate each individual by their name, even though many names are common and repeated too often to count, is just ludicrous.

The problem is not being labeled, or that labels define us, usually inaccurately- the problem is in allowing yourself to be defined by any of those labels. When someone on this board refers to a Dom(me) or sub, or to a Top or a top, or a bottom, masochist, or whatever, W/we A/all know what they mean. We don't need to clarify, and we don't need to have clarification from others, even though we sometimes feel obliged to pay homage (Lick? worship? suck? ) to the socio-political correctness of acknowledging that we all wear different labels, and sometimes they're not perfectly accurate. The solution is not to, yet again, go off on a long thread of how very inexact those labels are, and the solution is most certainly NOT to come up with yet another vastly inaccurate or inadequate label, which become increasingly less adequate as they diminish farther and farther into generality for the sake of not excluding anyone. (Shall we all just be A's and b's perhaps? *wynk*)

Betticus, I adore you, and not just for your boots and whips. You rock in so very many ways, but rather than questioning the labels which may or may not be placed upon us, shouldn't we instead turn our eyes inward, and question how we truly wish to be defined, or if we wish to be defined at all?

For my part, I would rather be described inaccurately than defined inadequately. Thus, I would far prefer sub, or Sub, or bottom, or masochist, (which I totally am not,) or slave, than to be penned up with a whole bunch of non-descript pyl's. (Or b's.)

A slightly tangential aside: For the first two years that I served my Master, he inflicted upon me some extremely strict language and writing rules. First was the classic Gorean "slaves don't ever say "I" when they refer to themselves." That actually evolved into the banning of the letter i from my usage altogether. There was not only no first person context, the actual letter vanished from my vocabulary. Of course, since I do speak english, and since i does exist, I had to either vastly limit my vocabulary or come up with a substitute, which I did. I replaced every instance of i with the letter y, and continued to leave first person referances out of my vernacular. Sounds like foolish cyber-nonsense, doesn't it? Except that it wasn't. I am a very expressive and often poetic person, and I am also very introspective. It fell to me to fully express myself while in this strange verbal bondage, and, even more, to carefully consider my every word and it's shape, and it's sound, and it's flow within each phrase... I couldn't simply swap out some letters, and settle for sounding clumsy-tongued. I had to make it beautiful. And it was. (I miss it sometimes, and revert often in subspace!)

And so, the Master's gyrl spoke thusly. And thus she offered Hym her greatest skylls, and pleased Hym wyth her submyssyon.

(Of course, had our positions been reversed, I probably would have soon realized that slaves likewise should not ask "why", and so removed that letter as well, just to be cruel and push it harder, but then that's a whole other topic...*Lol*)

It annoyed some online, but more seemed to appreciate the unique voice my Master had helped me to develop, which expressed my servitude eloquently, and yet defined my uniqueness unquestionably.

Yes- it's true that labels and words have enormous power- more than most ever even realize- but like prayer, those words are yet subject to our will, and our faith in them. Their meaning is relative, and maleable.

Labels good? Labels bad? ~shrug~ Labels practical. 'Nuff said.

 

[Krinaia]

Btw, I dislike labels as well. Sometimes they can be very useful. However, a person is much more than a one-word description.

I dunno, I'm kind of jus ta pervert.... lol, know what I mean?

But even that word has it's failures to fully express the naughtiness of my being. speaking of which, what fun are skirts if you can't flash someone? makes me wish I wasn't wearing granny underwear.

 

[Krinaia]

Okay so my first post, whilst goofy, does actually say something about how i've come to label myself even to myself. I realized whilst reading this thread that I've become so frustrated with the labeling of this "lifestyle" or more plainly - this sexual orientation - that i've even stopped wanting to experiement because it's just such a pain the ass to find someone to experiment with who isn't an asshole ego maniac or a muling doormatt. And this is bad because that was one of the things that was most enjoyable about me - I was once adamanat that anything was worth trying at least once and only an idiot would give a third chance ( ) to something they didn't enjoy.

But as far as how I label myself - once I considered myself a submissive and was very against the word slave when applied to my own self. And now, I simply maintain that I am a bondage fetishist that I prefer the bottom but that being the top also has appeal. I have other fetishes that make the BDSM crowd appeal to me but other wise, I've come to realize that my own fantasies are not so far from the fantasies of the average joe except that I really do enjoy my sex a little rougher than most people and that I enjoy more than just fuzzy hand cuffs. I compare it as two people who like beer - one drinks beer and "knows" his beers and really enjoys a cold one but the other REALLY knows his beers from the processing methods to the variations of domestics and international blends and all that jazz and considers himself a real conssieur of beer - I don't know enough about beer to complete the analogy but i think you can get my meaning.

I consider myself more knowledgable and adventurous than the average (read vanilla) person and a true lover of most all bondage. And all the kinky and fun things that can be done to you whilst bound that help you get off. And as to how I will expound on this in the future, I can't be sure but I'm glad I have been reminded of what a fun ride it will be finding out.

And god, I hate being single and paranoid in a town where I know only the people I work with. I wish someone would tumble me to the floor or wall and roughly make out with me whilst holding my wrists firmly down to whatever surface they've backed me into. And a teasing that would leave me wet through my jeans and masturbating like mad in my bedrooom when he was done ravishing me - which also says something that I'm so horny that this is what I'm fantasing about - half ravishments...lol.

 

[rikaaim]

I just read the first page of this thread and thought I would describe myself a little bit as well. I have been lurking mostly in this forum for a little while now, just observing, to see exactly how I fit in.

I do have tendancies for the BDSM lifestyle and know that a purely vanilla sex life is just too mundane for me. With my former wife we both started out very mundane, but I found out quickly that it just wasn't satisfying to me. The simple positions and rountine thrustings quickly had me bored out of my mind. However, I am a very creative person and the stimulation of sex for me is mostly mental.

Over the years of our marriage I began to introduce toys that eventually lead to the straps and paddles that I've become most fond of. I recall how excited I was the first time I strapped her legs high in the air to the wall as she laid on her back with her hands cuffed above her head to the wall. She wore a blindfold and the thought of doing anything and everything to her got me more excited that I had ever been before.

The feel of total power in that situation was very tempting and I knew from that moment that that is how I wanted to live.

With that being said it would seem apparent that I am the Dom type. However, this is not always the case.

There are many times where I just want to bottom and be fucked. I want to give up control completely and just let my lover take me however they wish. I totally submit. I want the pain. I want the sting. I want to be used and discarded like a little slut.

For me humiliation in some aspect is a big part of the thrill. If I'm in control at the time, thoughts of humiliation and degradation can excite me to no end. In the same token if I want to be taken, just fucking use me.

So, I would guess my "title" would be a switch. However, the way I view myself, I please my lover.

If they want to be used and really go all out, I'm more than willing to do that. The way I figure it, if someone wants to be my "sub" or "slave" then when they make a rare request, or if I know their nature and pleasures, being a good lover I'm going to do my best to give it to that person.

That's just a little bit about me. I'm sorta formally introducing myself here and kinda jumping in from the lurker status to maybe post a bit more and try to express some of my own ideas as I figure out exactly what I'm looking for not only in a lover, but in a long term connection.

Rika

 

[ownedsubgal]

thought this would be a good bump, considering current topics of discussion...

 

[Kikori]

Is Betticus still not a dom? [/acting like missing the entire point of the topic]

 

[Stella_Omega]

And when people think they can infer everything about you via their interpretation of the label you are using.

After all the posts that came after this one....

This one is still it.

 

[Betticus]

Is Betticus still not a dom? [/acting like missing the entire point of the topic]

Why, you wanting a spanking?

 

[graceanne]

Why, you wanting a spanking?

duh

 

[FloggingMolly]

We're allowed to provoke the PYLs (or, in the case of this thread Don'tPYLs til there's spanking?

 

[Essene]

Why, you wanting a spanking?

How come you never ask ME if I want a spanking? What kind of friend are you?

 

[FungiUg]

While I tend to go with the label "dominant", I've been told many times I am a top, not a dominant. I don't mind topping (especially strawberry, or caramel!) so I don't tend to argue the point, but a lot of that has been due to the limitation of the relationship I was in, rather than my own desires. Tended to limit me to just play sessions.

These days... my partner is submissive, but isn't actually my submissive. If she were to identify with a label, I suspect it would be "switch". I find it hard to use labels to nail down what's happening in the relationship. She isn't my submissive, but she is submissive to me, and we're planning on doing some D/s scenes at some point.

So I guess I go with labels being convenient to at least get into the right ball-park, but from there, you need a GPS.

 

[Betticus]

How come you never ask ME if I want a spanking? What kind of friend are you?

Don't need to ask as I already know you want a spanking. You always want a spanking.. or are doing something naughty to deserve one.

 

[Essene]

Don't need to ask as I already know you want a spanking. You always want a spanking.. or are doing something naughty to deserve one.

Um...along that same vein of logic, you should already know that I'm almost always doing something naughty; and so, always need spankings.

So, where's my spanking?