Incest Story Direction

[Aaron Dazer]

April Join In Ch. 01

I know where i see this going I’m asking for input where people want to see it going. and also what people think about it. The response so far for being out for just a day is overwhelming.

 

[Varian P]

April Join In Ch. o1

Aaron,

I don't have much input on where the story should go, but you seem to be getting feedback on that already, so perhaps I'll focus on what I think of what you've got so far.

You've got a nice, easy prose style--kind of familiar and conversational, and I think you're doing a nice job of giving us a picture of the narrator--he's harried by this house full of women, but he's pretty likeable. For me the narration is pretty strong throughout and the dialogue seems pretty natural, and you're doing a good job getting Gerald's alternating annoyance and arousal across.

For me the weakest part of this piece is the opening few paragraphs. For starters:

My name’s Gerald, and I am house sitting for my folks. I finished college in the fall and have my bachelor’s degree in microbiology. I will be looking for work later in the year, when my parents finish their much needed vacation. The last of their children is 18 and they are taking their second honeymoon. I have a sister Noel who still lives at home while finishing high school; she just turned 18 at Christmas.

As an opener this doesn't catch my attention, and the prose is so much weaker than what you've got further down I fear you're doing yourself a disservice. Possibly, if I hadn't been reading this to give you feedback, I might have doubted your skills as a writer enough to click back by the end of this paragraph, not giving you a chance to prove yourself as the story continues.

One problem: repetitious sentence structure: "I am...," "I finished...," "I will be....," I have a..." It's probably tough with 1st-person narration, which I've never tried, but as just one example, instead of "I have a sister..." you could go with "My sister Noel..." and I think some of the other sentences could be combined to cut out a little of the repetition.

I also felt like you threw a lot of names and relationships at me in those first two paragraphs, and by the time you were done I'd forgotten who everyone was. As a reader, you'd be making my job easier if you introduced characters as they come up in the action--tell me about Randi and her boyfriend when she's mentioned by Noel when the subject of buying alcohol comes up, for example.

Personally, I'd rather see this story start with some action--maybe Gerald walking through the drug store with a cart full of girly hair and makeup products, people giving him weird looks, then the interaction with the cashier reveals his plight. Maybe that annoying nosy Aunt Maria starts interrogating him like the loathesome busy body she is, and Gerald reveals his situation that way. It would be funnier and seem more natural than "My name is Gerald and here's my bio."

I'm sure it goes without saying, but of course all of this is just my opinion. I hope some of what I've said is somewhat helpful.

-Varian

 

[HornyHenry]

I agree +

I agree with everything Varian said.
Plus: I feel cheated, like it was only half a story. It was a good beginning and I was looking forward to everything that was sure to happen in page 2 and 3, but they weren't there!

As to where it's going? He's going to have sex with two sisters soon. And probably, the sisters and their friends will have some sex in an orgy-like setting while he's discovering his twin for the first time upstairs. They are getting drunk, after all.
So make it happen and don't leave us hanging, so to speak.

One more comment: PLEASE work on your spelling, punctuation, and sentence structure. Like "then" for "than", and the twin sister's boyfriend's name, which sounds like you are giving us his last name too, when you are not really, because of a comma left out. And the thought comment by Gerald when he walked in and saw them all looking at him- doesn't make sense. There are many more. Please proof-read the next chapters or send them to an editor before submitting.

Like I said, hot start, no middle or ending.