Is she really doing this?

[Blase]

OOC: Closed for me and Bellawolf. Your comments are welcome via PM. Please read and enjoy.

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Interesting.

Steve pushed his chair back a bit from his desk and allowed himself to stretch before returning his attention to his computer screen.

That one sounded interesting.

He really was spending too much time on Collared Life, but... it was like panning for gold. You just never knew when the next nugget would appear.

He read the girl's private message again, then clicked over to her profile. Her name was Grace and she was 34 years old; close enough to his own 45 years that it wasn't a May-December situation, but young enough for the disparity to be significant. Since she'd obviously read his profile, she doubtless realized that she was approaching someone older than she was, and didn't seem to mind the idea. Neither did Steve.

She came across as smart and introspective; both of which were critical, from his point of view. He avoided girls who couldn't or didn't wish to converse intelligently at all costs, having long since learned that trying to connect with girls who just wanted someone to talk dirty or be mean to them quickly turned into an agonizing exercise in frustration for both parties. Anyone who wanted the stereotype of a growling sadist would not appreciate him, and vice versa.

But Grace didn't seem to want that. Her note spoke directly to things he'd said in his profile and posts on the site's discussion boards; his musings about getting to know a girl, and slowly starting to teach her; an evolving relationship in which she would be progressively revealed and, increasingly, surrendered...

How serious was she? How well did she really understand what she was asking for?

There was only one way to find out. Steve took a deep breath, let it out and began to type.

Hi, Grace.

Thank you for your interest in my ad, and in me. You come across as quite intelligent, sincere and genuinely curious - all laudable qualities, not to mention necessary.

A bit about me: I'm 45 years old, with black hair (some grey is starting to show, but only one shade, so far) and brown eyes. My weight is proportionate to my height of 5' 10". I work as a Web designer, which allows me to be online a lot - or requires me to be online too much, depending on how you look at it.

Since you've obviously read my profile and at least some of my posts, I think you understand that what I want is not just to order you around but to come to know you, forge a bond with you and use that bond - that relationship and the evolving prerogatives that come with it - to explore you. I want to lead you, step by step, out of your comfort zone and into yourself.

Girls' responses when I say things like that fall into three general categories which may be designated "Yes, please!", "Whoa, too scary!" and "WTF?! I want a Dominant, not a shrink!"

I'm hoping that your response falls into the first category. If it does, please write back to me and tell me some more about yourself: Any details about yourself and your life that you feel comfortable sharing are fine, but I also need to get an idea of why D/s interests you. Can you say something about what you picture, when you picture yourself in a D/s relationship?

Thank you again for writing. If you haven't yet disconnected from the Internet in a cold sweat, I hope you'll consider this your "first task" and put as much thought into it as you did your initial note.

Best,

Steve

 

[Bellawolf]

Grace’s palms were sweaty, chewing on her lower lip absently, she checked to see that his status read offline before she hit the send button. Whew… that was hard. For some reason it seemed harder to shoot off a message when she thought he was online. Why? This was a step… a cautious step out of the refuge she knew.

Earlier that night she’d gone to Collard Life and browsed the boards. She’d only been to the boards a few days now but she wasn’t new to the site. The past couple of months she’d found herself engrossed in various stories but like a junkie needing to up a dose, she too needed more. Curiosity had won out and as she sipped at her cup of hot tea that night something caught her interest.

A random post on a message board seemed to virtually pop out at her, if that were possible. She read it once, and then did so again before clicking over to his profile, and from there she found herself tucking a leg beneath her as she read more of his postings. His words pulled at her, and before she knew it she had spent a little over an hour reading various posts he’d made and some of the stories he’d written. With his initial post still fresh in her mind she wondered if she could really bring herself to message him.

There was only one way to find out she finally decided. After all what did she have to lose? Going back to a few of his postings she composed a message for him giving reference to these specific things. You see, for a long while Grace knew that she needed something more in her life and it wasn’t easy to find. She’d never had the luck of meeting anyone that was into D/s before. She doubted she would, for it wasn’t something you just struck up a conversation about without being in the right setting.

She logged afterwards and removed herself from the PC. If she didn’t she’d be apt to hit the refresh button. The anticipation continued to build however and so it was then that she made up her mind to take a quick shower and see if that didn’t release the nervous tension that had started well beyond the moment she’d hit the enter key.

Forty minutes later give or take, she re-entered the office and padded over to her desk. Her phone had alerted her of the incoming message and while she could have read it there, she wanted to give it her full attention. With trembling fingers she signed back in and began to read…

She opened up her Word soon after and responded with the following:


Hello Steve,

Yes, I’m well aware of your ad and what it is you’re seeking.

For me and my response, it’s a mixture of careful willingness.

In your message you asked me why D/s interests me. I will try my best to answer that question though what I write here just barely scratches at the surface. It’s too profound a question to answer simply, or maybe I’m overthinking it.

From as far back as I can remember I’ve had these feelings and yearnings. I believe that I identify most strongly as a bedroom submissive; finding it sexually arousing and pleasing. That’s not to say I want to experience a power exchange each and every time I’m intimate but I would prefer a certain measure of continuous structure and consistency. It goes beyond the feelings of being arousing and pleasing though; like water or food, I don’t feel like I’ve reached my highest potential without it. I find refuge in submission, a means to let go.

However I also see parts of myself in the psychological submissive. The relaxation of the need to "be myself" while the dominant is in control; I can, instead, simply be nothing, I can abandon myself completely. My body wants to enjoy sex but my brain never stops working and worrying. In addition to that I have issues with guilt. Deep rooted feelings of shame burdened with judgment and scorn. I want the voices inside my head to go silent.

Please understand I do not have any real experience in this realm. I’ve never been able to fully let go but I think that if I were able to, I would be more in touch with my inner self, more at peace within my own skin. Acceptance…
I know this will not be easy. What I seek is a profound, freeing, and intense relationship with another.

I could be mistaken but I think before we can address the D/s aspects together we must first get to know one another and see if there’s enough chemistry and mutual interest to explore this further. You surely have needs of your own that will need addressed as well.

Steve, I reached out to you tonight because I am interested in you, yes, but I cannot really give one without the other.

Grace



It will require deep self-knowledge, self-respect, inner strength and brutal honesty as I acknowledge the barriers to full submission and allow them to be breached. Over time and with a lot of trust gradually release more and more self-control into the hands of the Dom.

It is about opening one's self to another so completely and fully there is complete transparency between partners. It is about finding your whole self and reveling in every bit of you!


Sexual submission
A Dominant/submissive relationship is not role-playing. It happens when one person whose true nature is to be a Dominant partners with another person whose true nature is to be a submissive. It is who they are, most authentically, and they fulfill one another.

A Dom is not a Dom only in certain situations. He (or she) is a Dom all the time, in every aspect of his being. He desires to possess, to control, to dominate, to exert his will over your will. (Hopefully lovingly.) He does not respect your boundaries. What he wants, he takes. He loves to control, and he feeds on the submission of another as she looks to him to lead, direct, or even command.

A true submissive is also submissive by nature, though it usually takes time to learn to submit completely. Being submissive is not the same as being passive. Passive people are often quite rebellious on the inside. Submission is active, and has an object. Subs are often strong, talented, respected. Submission is a conscious choice. Submission is not easy; it requires deep self-knowledge, self-respect, inner strength and brutal honesty as you acknowledge the barriers to full submission and allow them to be breached. But a sub gets intense pleasure from giving over control to another. She loves to be possessed, to be taken without being asked.

The D/s relationship is a journey. As they are together, the Dom gradually asserts his will more and more over the sub. He possesses her, marks her as his. The sub gradually releases more and more self-control into the hands of her Dom. The effect on her is profound, freeing, and intense. The Dom conquers her, conquers her fears, knows her innermost being, holds her safely and lovingly. They lift each other up.

It seems to have become unfashionable for Dominant men and submissive women to own their true natures. Dominant women and submissive men are more fashionable, perhaps. But in either case, it seems that I keep meeting people who are by nature Dominant or submissive, and yet, do not know that it is okay to own that, and become who they most authentically are.

 

[Blase]

Delicate.

Another one-word description that summed things up rather neatly.

Steve was impressed by the eloquence of Grace's writing voice: Her curiosity and desire came through clearly... as did her conflict.

There was so much to say that it almost felt like too much, but Steve determined to try. He began to type again, uncharacteristically not planning everything he wanted to say in advance, but using the act of setting his thoughts down as a way to help sort them out.

Grace,

You're absolutely correct that this won't be easy. You're asking me for a lot. But then, I'm asking you for a lot, as well.

When someone speaks of negative feelings that they might bring into D/s - or might want to use D/s to work through - my response is almost always the same: Give them to me. Make them part of your gift to me.

Do you feel shame? Does your shame make you blush? The blush is mine. Give it to me and let me savor it.

Do you feel guilt? Does your guilt make you shudder? The shuddering is mine. Give it to me and let me savor it.

To use your own words, this is the way you can "abandon yourself" and "be nothing": by emptying yourself into me. By giving me all of yourself.

That's easy enough to say, of course. The question is whether or not I'm someone you can come to want to give yourself to.

Steve

It didn't feel like he'd said nearly enough. He realized that he hadn't actually explained anything. But his time was limited just then, and sometimes the feeling that came across was more important than the details of how things would happen.

What was needed most, at the moment, was for Grace to start to understand who he was.

 

[Bellawolf]

It was late when Grace had replied and she shuffled off to bed after hitting the send button. Yet she found it difficult to sleep. Tossing and turning, her mind refused to shut off. She reached for her phone, let out a sigh and flipping over to Notes, she started to write down all the things that her mind kept processing and then sent it to her email for later.

The next morning she yawned, stretched out and glanced out the window for a long moment. The previous night’s events came flooding back and she absently reached for her phone, flipping it over to the messages and noticed that Steve had replied. A soft smile tugged at her lips as she read his message.

She slid from the bed then, padded off to start her day fully intent on replying to him just as soon as she had some food in her stomach.

Two hours passed before she took a seat at her desk, Steve’s reply was up on her monitor and she tapped absently at her desk, chewing on her lip deep in thought. He was right; it was going to be a lot of work for both of them. The question was why would he want to consider such an endeavor with her of all people? She wasn’t sure yet if she wanted it to be with him…. Or was she?

His words pulled at her. “Give them to me. Make them part of your gift to me.” She sighed, crossing her legs in response. Did he have any idea how those words affected her? The promise of how freeing they could be while arousing? Most guys she’d encountered ran at the first hint of baggage… Yet he was here saying give it to me…

Did Steve realize that what she wanted wasn’t some casual meetings penciled in but a relationship? Only a select few had been permitted such confidence with these wounds and past experience had taught her that what she shared gave people power. Great power over her and every last one of them had used that privilege that trust to exploit her. Hadn’t she bled enough? If she’d asked those “so-called trusted few” they’d have defended themselves of all responsibility by saying things like they didn’t mean it, or it was only said in anger or have the gall to ask her why does that still hurt you so?

No, she couldn’t possibly expose all of that again to just anyone and if she was going to do this properly, the gift of herself meant leaving nothing out. Hell without the map he’d traverse through a minefield and that could very well destroy everything before it ever truly began. Nodding her head as if to reaffirm this decision she knew there was but one way, she would lead with honestly..

Wait… Re-reading her prior correspondence she recalled that shared with him her intentions. She was seeking a profound, freeing, and intense relationship. So then… he knew and more importantly she had her answer. He did want this with her.

Grace was pretty certain then that Steve wanted complete submission, such that it would extend well past the bedroom. What he was asking for wasn’t mere physical surrender but the emotional surrender as well. That was much more powerful and a much more precious thing to be given. A woman could give her body to someone and never share her heart, her mind or her soul. This is what he’d meant when he said it wouldn’t be easy. Definitely not for the faint of heart; this would take great courage, trust and willingness on her part.


Steve,

I have to find out if what I believe I need and want is true. I have this chasm deep inside me, aching to be filled. Please understand I’m not looking to fill a void for it goes far beyond that. My need for dominance goes far beyond just belonging. I want to be owned, loved and cherished.

You asked me if I thought you were someone I can come to want to give myself to. My answer is yes I believe so.

Grace

 

[Blase]

Contradictory.

The word wasn't quite fair, but Steve couldn't help thinking it. The way that Grace seemed to approach things from more than one angle made him remember a quote from Walt Whitman: "I am vast. I contain multitudes."

Even more important than her complexity was the vulnerability that she showed; the pain and uncertainty that she spoke of.

Steve began to type again.

Grace,

We're only just starting to talk, but you're already surprising me.

I think I see a lot of potential here, because we both obviously want more than games: We're both looking for a real connection with another human being, within the context of a D/s relationship. Again, easy to say, but not necessarily so straightforward to create.

Let me be honest: One of the temptations of the Dominant role in D/s is to "play God"; to try to use the authority and information given to you by a submissive to do things that are really beyond your competence. It's something that I try to avoid at all costs, because the last thing I want is to see someone's heart broken, their trust shattered, and know that it's my fault.

I guess what I'm saying is that I feel the need for care and caution with you more strongly than I have felt it with anyone else. And yet... and yet... there are things here that I wouldn't throw away lightly.

Perhaps we should start by clarifying the sort of relationship that you're hoping for. You said that you "identify most strongly as a bedroom submissive", but in your last message you added that you wanted to be "owned, loved and cherished". I'm pretty sure you don't mean "owned" in the sense of Master-slave, or you wouldn't have contacted me, but can you say a bit more about how far outside the bedroom (or playtime) you see the relationship extending?

Steve

He hit the Send key, shaking his head gently as he did so. He wanted to say a thousand things at once. In place of the Walt Whitman quote, an old Eagles lyric came to mind:

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter...

He knew that only the care and caution he'd spoken of could prevent it all from ultimately being about forgiveness...