jd's junkroom

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. ;

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

photograph · Feb 8, 2013

Thank you Blue! :rose:

Loved all of those!

Shadowmist99 · Feb 8, 2013

You're making me smile this morning.

bluebomber · Feb 8, 2013

O.K. last one. Will try and post more tonight Hagd everyone :rose:

YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of

me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me

the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and

a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your

neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be

promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

(Goes along with "You will remain alone on an elevator. Until you

fart."

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a

warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good

qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple

of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their

shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away.

And you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was

probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes

from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and

put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

25. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side,

and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women.

Neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is

moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need

it.

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry.

Then things get worse.