jd's junkroom

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
>> One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
>> The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
>> The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
>> The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
>> ... After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
>> "Who drives you to the beach?"
 
Two Blonde Men


Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and
said, "I've got to take a shit."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The
other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea --
I'll use that!"

He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3
quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
 
$50 FOR A NIGHT

One evening after attending the theater two gentlemen were walking
down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young
lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said,
"I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night with that woman."

To their surprise, the woman turned and said,

"I'll take you up on that."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
friend good-night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment,
where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man
presented her with 25 dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded
the rest of the money stating,

"If you don't give me the other 25 I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying,

"I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when he was served with a summons
ordering his presence in court as defendant.... He hurried to his
lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said,

"She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it
will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court
as follows:

"Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden
spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she
agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the
sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it
extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon
evacuating the premises he paid only $25. The rent is not excessive
since it was restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted
against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case
had been presented. His defense was therefore somewhat altered from
what he had planned.... This is what he said:

"Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of
property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction.
However my client found a well on the property, around which he placed
his own stones; sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being
personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the
property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the
plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said
property. We therefore ask that the judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer's comeback was like this....

"Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on
the property, and he did make improvements such as described by my
opponent, however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he
would have never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the
premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and
took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment
through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior
to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We
therefore ask judgment be granted."

She got it....
 
Subject: $5.00 APPLES

A guy is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00
each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and
asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "These are
special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one." The man takes a bite
and says,"Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly." The
farmer says, "Turn it around."He does
and he savors a sweet jelly. The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese
apples, too, but they're $10.00 each." The man is excited, buys one, takes a
bite and says,"Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer
says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese fills
his mouth. The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got some
very special
apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples." The man cannot resist
and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like shit!" The
farmer says, "Turn it around."
 
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the
reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and
when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage
as best as she could."
 
3 Daughters

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,and the card read: "Benson& Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands' cigarettes, and she read from the Benson& Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted .........!
 
Ok one more before turn it back over to the star of the show... Photograph. Have a good evening all and be sure to tip the bartender.


A virgin at 81





Maude and Claude , both 81, lived in a senior citizen's residence.

They met one day in the social center, and discovered over time

that they enjoyed each other's company.





After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out

for Dinner and she accepted.



They had a lovely evening and afterward Claude asked Maude to join

him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a

natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.



Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been

more gentle."



Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have

taken off my panty hose!"
 
Ok, last one, but had to share it.

A team of scientists from the European Bioinformatics Institute of the European Molecular Biology Laboratory have dramatically demonstrated the data storage powers of DNA - by storing data such as Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech and Shakespeare’s 154 sonnets byte by byte on DNA molecules.
DNA is lightweight, compact and easy to transport. It can also last for thousands of years if stored correctly. The technique is not commercially viable at the moment, but the authors of the paper in Nature argue convincingly that this could be eventually scaled up to create huge storage possibilities, far beyond what exist today.

More info: http://sciencealert.com.au/features/20132401-23993.html

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/377738_534445333253810_1614053676_n.jpg
 
Thank you Photograph, :rose: as usual some very nice pics and a really good article. But i must say one of the last things i want stuck to my hand inching its way up is that snail. :eek:
 
Thank you Photograph, :rose: as usual some very nice pics and a really good article. But i must say one of the last things i want stuck to my hand inching its way up is that snail. :eek:

Isn't it creepy???? So cool though! So long as it's not touching me!
 
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