Jealous submissive... how to handle?

[LiterBug]

Okay, I have a sub who swears (even when not under torture ) that she will do anything to please my smallest desire. And she is always begging to know my fantasies so she can live them out with me.

And believe me, I'm happy.

The trouble is, I know she is a terribly jealous person, and so some of my fantasies obviously cannot be lived out, or even admitted to her, without hurting her in a way that isn't really covered in our D/S relationship.

Any suggestions on this? If I take a fancy to the pretty neighbour (hypothetical, my neighbour is NOT my type), should I shut up and keep it to myself, or admit to her what my desires are?

This isn't a question about whether to actually seduce the hypothetical neighbour, just to make things clear.

 

[boyb]

Mate, you can't win.

NEVER, and I mean, NEVER, tell a woman, even your sub, that you find another woman very attractive.

Unless of course, she is very comfortable with knowing that.

I don't care who you are, or how your relationship is, if she's not the most confident of woman, and you're not 100% sure she'll take it well, then don't do it.

Believe me, it isn't worth the hassle!

 

[sadunai]

The fact that she swears that she will do anything can be because of insecurety and jealousy. She is ready to do anything to please to be sure to keep you to herself. I think that telling her is a bad idea. Especially if you point to a real person that she knows or can imagine meating one day. Telling her that you had a fantasy dream, about the two of you and someone imagined. Might work. Dreams are strange and twist and turn, they are surreal, and often hard to connect to reality. That way you can test her and see how she reacts to the idea.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Any suggestions on this? If I take a fancy to the pretty neighbour (hypothetical, my neighbour is NOT my type), should I shut up and keep it to myself, or admit to her what my desires are?

Sit down with her and talk plainly. Make her understand this is a straight shooter conversation, and you expect her unvarnished opinion. If she admits to having difficulty seeing you with another woman, talk it out with her.

If you two can't come to terms that will satisfy the both of you, you have one of three choices

• Bury that desire in the "never to be fulfilled chest"
• Do as you wish, and pay in spades for the fallout
• Release your submissive, and look for someone more compatible with your desires

The first two don't require much courage, but don't really get you there. One last hint ... don't use an example, even if it's a hypothetical. If her eyes are as "green" as you think they are, you're inviting trouble and later barbs in arguments of the future. She'll reach back for that example in an argument that has nothing to do with the subject.

The last requires you to go without a safety net.

Best of luck.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Okay, I have a sub who swears (even when not under torture ) that she will do anything to please my smallest desire. And she is always begging to know my fantasies so she can live them out with me.

And believe me, I'm happy.

The trouble is, I know she is a terribly jealous person, and so some of my fantasies obviously cannot be lived out, or even admitted to her, without hurting her in a way that isn't really covered in our D/S relationship.

Any suggestions on this? If I take a fancy to the pretty neighbour (hypothetical, my neighbour is NOT my type), should I shut up and keep it to myself, or admit to her what my desires are?

This isn't a question about whether to actually seduce the hypothetical neighbour, just to make things clear.

if you knew she was a jealous person and you didnt like it...why did you make her your submissive?

 

[snowy ciara]

talk to her. Admit sometimes you're attracted to other people. She probably is too, but she's probably insecure.

The worse thing that could happen is that she gets upset and asks to be released. But if you're having compatablility issues maybe that's better in the long run. The best thing is that you work it out. But if you hide it from her, and it does come out later, it may escalate into a trust issue, because you didn't trust her enough to talk this out.

Also you said:

Okay, I have a sub who swears (even when not under torture ) that she will do anything to please my smallest desire. And she is always begging to know my fantasies so she can live them out with me.

Which makes me ask: Do you roleplay? Have her dress up as the tall blonde stranger, the sexy redhead from down the hall (just be sure you don't have any sexy redheads down the all in real life, to make her worry.) or some other mystery woman. Then you get your fantasy, she gets you, and no one gets hurt.

Again, if she's as jealous as you say she is, the roleplay thing may not work. But isn't it better to get this stuff out of the way now, rather than having it blow up in your faces somewhere down the road?

 

[bound]

You could be my Master LOL

i'm sure he feels the same about me, poor man.


i've been coming around though.. We do TONS of roleplay, it's a constant thing with us, even when we're not having sex now alot of times we'll roleplay.. on the phone, etc.

We do alot of 'other people' fantasy, lots of me watching him with others, etc.

i don't get jealous per se, but i am very insecure. i trust him not to hurt me, he loves me and i know that in my bones. It's THEM i worry about.

He's an amazing man, i should know... why wouldn't they want to undermine what we have, blah blah blah?

So it's a work in progress and has been for months. Tonight i decided i'm going to tenatively see about finding someone to join us for just a one time thing. If it doesn't work out, then i tried... it's worth it to me to do it for him, he goes out of his way to make my life a joy in every way.

Try talking to her, seriously. Don't underestimate her, don't make assumptions just because she's female (as some of those replying have). Give her a chance, give her time, reassure her that you love her and she's the only one you want, that you don't NEED anyone else. That's the important thing. I can handle him wanting, but if he needed it would be different.

Good luck and sorry for my inane babbling.

 

[Pure]

As I see it, one question is the nature of the relationship.

1) Are you playmates? Then it's best to find out what she likes and doesn't. Give her ice cream and not asparagus.

2) Are you soulmates who will confide everything, or persons who keep some privacy and 'separate space.' In some cases, your 'upsetting desires' are simply not her business.

Likewise, is there an area of 'behavior outside the relationship.'
Do either of you have a night of the week, or a week in the summer where you're not accountable, and no quesitons are to be asked? Or it is set up that you must render an account of each evening?
-----

To some extent, I agree with Angelic, though I would put it in different terms.

3) You may do as you please. Is that the program? Or is it "No one's desires have primacy; they're equally to be respected."
In the latter case, you cannot 'do as you please.'

BUT, if your desires do not have some sort of primacy, in what way is your relationship to be described as involving 'domination'?
(as opposed, say to 'kinky play' 'role play' etc.).

---
PS All the above considerations relate to goals. "Means" to goals have been described above, as for example, by 'bound.' How you approach a goal, with what delicacy, tact, indirectness, gradualness is another (and valid) question.

 

[Guest]

 

[LiterBug]

Thank you all. These are fantastic replies, from the heart, and even if they do not all agree with each other, they have all made me think... which is a good thing... I think...

 

[shy slave]

Mate, you can't win.

NEVER, and I mean, NEVER, tell a woman, even your sub, that you find another woman very attractive.

Unless of course, she is very comfortable with knowing that.

I don't care who you are, or how your relationship is, if she's not the most confident of woman, and you're not 100% sure she'll take it well, then don't do it.

Believe me, it isn't worth the hassle!

A a jealous sub/slave this looks like the best advice although AA and Pure also make sense. There is nothing worse than a scorned sub or woman. Trust me

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Okay, I have a sub who swears (even when not under torture ) that she will do anything to please my smallest desire. And she is always begging to know my fantasies so she can live them out with me.

And believe me, I'm happy.

The trouble is, I know she is a terribly jealous person, and so some of my fantasies obviously cannot be lived out, or even admitted to her, without hurting her in a way that isn't really covered in our D/S relationship.

Any suggestions on this? If I take a fancy to the pretty neighbour (hypothetical, my neighbour is NOT my type), should I shut up and keep it to myself, or admit to her what my desires are?

This isn't a question about whether to actually seduce the hypothetical neighbour, just to make things clear.

Hmmm. Lots of interesting replies. Let me come at it from a different angle.

I have always found it interesting that so many submissives seem to want to do everything except....

welll....

submit.

Is talking about your desires a hard limit?

Is fantasizing about the pretty neighbor a hard limit?

If they are, then you might want to be re-thinking the whole nature of her "submission" to you, and start having some conversations about her limits and what they really are.

If they aren't, then I say to you--why the fuck are you so worried about what her issues are?

A submissive submits. Sometimes I think we spend far too much time on this board pandering to submissives who have no interest in doing that. If she has no interest in submitting, let her call herself a bottom, get the spankings, and enjoy herself.

Or, in a perfect world, she'll become the submissive who will let you not only drool over the pretty neighbor, but have her as well. *grins*

/rant over/

~anelize

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Jealous submissive... how to handle?

Hmmm. Lots of interesting replies. Let me come at it from a different angle.

I have always found it interesting that so many submissives seem to want to do everything except....

welll....

submit.

Is talking about your desires a hard limit?

Is fantasizing about the pretty neighbor a hard limit?

If they are, then you might want to be re-thinking the whole nature of her "submission" to you, and start having some conversations about her limits and what they really are.

If they aren't, then I say to you--why the fuck are you so worried about what her issues are?

A submissive submits. Sometimes I think we spend far too much time on this board pandering to submissives who have no interest in doing that. If she has no interest in submitting, let her call herself a bottom, get the spankings, and enjoy herself.

Or, in a perfect world, she'll become the submissive who will let you not only drool over the pretty neighbor, but have her as well. *grins*

/rant over/

~anelize

Worth repeating..and repeating...and repeating.

 

[Pure]

well said, anelize

 

[LiterBug]

Again, thought provoking. Thank you all very much for your replies. I have some things to think about and decide...