Kinky People in Vanilla Relationships

[All_4_Love]

its hard enough to maintain relationships without the added pressure of trying to change someone, and you ultimately will try to change them. If you've had the same kink for years it wont go away just because youre with someone who doesnt share that interest.

Truer words could not be spoken.

 

[imready2]

Thank you for your post. I can identify a little with what your feeling and it is good for me to see others have similar frustrations. I married a very conservative and religious man. He was my high school sweet heart. The only man I have ever kisses much less had sex with. He is only interested in sex maybe twice a month and hates my big breasts. I always have to keep a shirt on during sex. He has never touched them. I've never had an orgasam during sex. I feel as if I am missing out on so much.

Simply not fair! or right!

 

[amofiga]

Many interesting posts. Living with someone with whom you are not sexually compatible will lead to long term frustration and that can lead to tension, anger, and resentment and that could lead you to seeing what you want outside your marriage. I've had married lady friends who were with me because their husbands would not or could not give them what they really wanted and needed because it was just not in their personality and sexuality. They were often made to feel guilty or "bad" about their sexual kinks. That sent them out looking for somebody who would not make them feel bad about themselves but embrace and adore their kinks and help them satisfy them.

It's easy to say in the beginning that we'll get past the incompatibility, but 5, 10 years down the road, it will fester and grow and be harder to handle especially if you started out thinking "Oh, he or she will learn to come around to my way of thinking." You really can't change people's basic personality and sexuality. It's one thing to compromise on a movie or restaurant or vacation spot, but sex is a strong influence on who you are. If your sexuality is not that high on the priority list for your happiness, you may be able to adapt. However, if it's one of your primary requirments for self actualization, then incompatibility in that area is a recipe for an affair or affairs. Trust me, I know.

 

[submissiverose]

Same but different.

A lot of the posts I read here were positive about compromise or love being more important than the sex. And that's great. But life isn't perfect and so I wanted to share my side of how this can work out too.

I met a guy who was "into the scene" when I too was brand new. We hit it off and started to try things together. But he was being transferred away and asked me to marry him so I could come too. We were young and so thought hey why not! When we got to his new position he was busy and the kink side just disappeared. I figured it would come back. After all, I was in the scene because it was an integral side of who I am so surely it was the same for him. I also wasn't his first sub. But here we are seven years later and it never did. We have talked about it. But he just kind of brushes it off. He is happy with blowjobs and anal and doggy style.

Mostly I miss the control portion. And the balance. Being lately submissive I can't stop myself from trying to please him. But it is dangerous because I can end up feeling empty when there is no reciprocation. I don't mean he is a bad guy. Just that if he were a Dom he would respond and encourage, hopefully. I am always thinking about him, cooking, cleaning, doing the things in bed that I know he likes best. But it's hard and frustrating when you can't stop yourself from seeking a response that you know won't be there. Sorry. I'm getting upset just writing this.

My point is just that my frustration ended up leading to an affair. He was working so much and he wasn't there. And when I tried to ask him for attention well the response left me feeling embarrassed and like the things I wanted were disgusting. I was lonely, hungry for attention and control and it ended badly.

Miraculously my husband took me back. We have kids together and like I said before he is a good man. I still struggle. At least now I focus on my kids, putting them before me. That makes it a little bit easier. But honestly, I still feel frustrated, sometimes a bit empty, and I still find myself unconsciously submitting and then hurting. Sometime I really act out but don't realize until after that I'm doing it for a reaction. As in punishment is better than nothing? I don't know.

Some days are better. Some nights are pretty dark. And though you can supplement with writing and fantasies; sometimes those make it worse. I look forward to the day my sex drive calms down lol.

Right now? I focus on my precious children. I find ways to submit like by cooking for other people or befriending women with strong personalities. I attepmt to grow myself through growing and tending to other living things. And I remember that my husband loves me the best way he can. Maybe things will be better for you. I do the best I can. Hopefully it will be good enough.

 

[submissiverose]

And it's not just sex.

I just also wanted to say that it's not just the sex. When you are in a vanilla relationship yes the sex isn't kinky. But what I struggle with is the missing D/s interactions. The control. Because I think that is how I interpret love. The words, the non-sexual touching, having expectations set and being recognized for meeting his needs; these are the things I long for the most.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I just also wanted to say that it's not just the sex. When you are in a vanilla relationship yes the sex isn't kinky. But what I struggle with is the missing D/s interactions. The control. Because I think that is how I interpret love. The words, the non-sexual touching, having expectations set and being recognized for meeting his needs; these are the things I long for the most.

Do you see a difference when his workload is lighter?
Because sometimes when work is too hard on you and it's getting too much, it can feel like a relationship talk is just one more demand on you. If so talking about it at a better time when there is less external pressure, can make a big difference.

It could of course be, that it was always more about the kinky sex for him and not really about D/s.
It's easy to get the idea that you have to pick a side of the slash and then you can end up with non-matching expectations and needs.

I hope you can find a solution that makes you both feel better.

 

[submissiverose]

We have talked about it when he was working much less. He kind of laughed it off. I even point blank asked him "Hey do you not want this anymore? Should I stop bring it up?" He said he was but still nothing. Sometimes I even wonder if he is getting it somewhere else you know? I know thats not a good thought but if you DO want it then why not with me? I don't know. I'm in my twenties and we have a long life together, but its scary to hinge my hopes on 'when the kids are older' or 'when the kids are gone' or whatever.

 

[IrisAlthea]

We have talked about it when he was working much less. He kind of laughed it off. I even point blank asked him "Hey do you not want this anymore? Should I stop bring it up?" He said he was but still nothing. Sometimes I even wonder if he is getting it somewhere else you know? I know thats not a good thought but if you DO want it then why not with me? I don't know. I'm in my twenties and we have a long life together, but its scary to hinge my hopes on 'when the kids are older' or 'when the kids are gone' or whatever.

I don't know if he really does still want it or if it will work, but could it be that the two of you have to reinvent what "it/this" means in this stage of your life together?

 

[submissiverose]

Maybe. How would I do that though? I am not sure how to. Also, I don't know how to articulate this exactly, at what point is me pushing him or encouraging him or coaxing him into D/s ruin my submission. I want to submit to him but, at least in my mind, part of submission is a respect for the Dom's position. I am not saying this right. But its kind of a long the lines of do i have to dominate him into being dominant? I can't do that. And then if I were to dominate him then how can I submit to someone who I dominated? A real Dom wants to take control and I want to relinquish it. For me, part of submission is meeting the demands of my Dom, of giving him control over me, respecting his wishes. I don't want to be bratty or make him chase me or force me to his will. I want to go willingly. I'm not saying this right but hopefully you get the idea of what I am trying to say.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Maybe. How would I do that though? I am not sure how to. Also, I don't know how to articulate this exactly, at what point is me pushing him or encouraging him or coaxing him into D/s ruin my submission. I want to submit to him but, at least in my mind, part of submission is a respect for the Dom's position. I am not saying this right. But its kind of a long the lines of do i have to dominate him into being dominant? I can't do that. And then if I were to dominate him then how can I submit to someone who I dominated? A real Dom wants to take control and I want to relinquish it. For me, part of submission is meeting the demands of my Dom, of giving him control over me, respecting his wishes. I don't want to be bratty or make him chase me or force me to his will. I want to go willingly. I'm not saying this right but hopefully you get the idea of what I am trying to say.

I'm not fond of the concept of "real dom" but I do get what you mean.

Dominant doesn't mean mindreader. You don't have to think about it as telling him what to do. You can think about it as telling him about your dreams, needs and wants and giving him feedback.
Information and feedback are good things when you are making decisions.

As you said, when you first met you tried things out together and you obviously found some middle ground. I think you will need to do that again and again in any longterm relationship as circumstances change. Telling each other about dreams, hopes, fears etc is part of that.

Sometimes there is no middle ground to be found anymore, but I do hope that is not the case for you.

 

[submissiverose]

I understand what you are saying. It is certainly important to share your hopes, dreams and fears with your significant other. But I, like some of the other people on this thread, have unfortunately received a lot of hurtful feed back. I was once told that asking for him to go down on me was disgusting, that I was crazy for asking him for a spanking, that I was going through a phase. These were things that used to be just fine, if not encouraged, early on.

So, yes, it is important to discuss what you want and need and what you don't want and need in a relationship. But as someone who really has to work up the courage to ask him for that spanking, to be shot down in such a way is embarrassing and stomps out repeat behavior.

I do hope we find a middle ground but right now I don't even know how to breach the subject with him without awkward backlash.

Someone recently mentioned that perhaps handling my submission was too much to take on. But perhaps it is more of the fact that we had children and bought a house, two things he never was much interested in and only came about due to an accident and then necessity, and those things, along with having to maintain a job, are already putting enough on his plate.

Perhaps also the feeling of being led on to thinking this was something he wanted, is perhaps how he feels about the children/house.

Most likely, as sad as this seems, we will trudge on and revisit it in a few years. Our lives are good enough that neither of us want to leave, even if there are some patches needed. Maybe then I'll be able to put my foot down in a way that says: you can't just dismiss or laugh this off anymore, i'm not crazy, I know what I want and this is it.

I never asked him to read my mind. I have asked for exactly the things I want. But he has made it explicitly clear that those things, spanking, slapping, choking, bondage, kneeling, manners, whatever, are not on the table. And since I am not interested in pursuing anything out of my marriage, the vanilla-ish version of myself is all I can be right now. I think that's the part that makes me tear up.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I understand what you are saying. It is certainly important to share your hopes, dreams and fears with your significant other. But I, like some of the other people on this thread, have unfortunately received a lot of hurtful feed back. I was once told that asking for him to go down on me was disgusting, that I was crazy for asking him for a spanking, that I was going through a phase. These were things that used to be just fine, if not encouraged, early on.

So, yes, it is important to discuss what you want and need and what you don't want and need in a relationship. But as someone who really has to work up the courage to ask him for that spanking, to be shot down in such a way is embarrassing and stomps out repeat behavior.

I do hope we find a middle ground but right now I don't even know how to breach the subject with him without awkward backlash.

Someone recently mentioned that perhaps handling my submission was too much to take on. But perhaps it is more of the fact that we had children and bought a house, two things he never was much interested in and only came about due to an accident and then necessity, and those things, along with having to maintain a job, are already putting enough on his plate.

Perhaps also the feeling of being led on to thinking this was something he wanted, is perhaps how he feels about the children/house.

Most likely, as sad as this seems, we will trudge on and revisit it in a few years. Our lives are good enough that neither of us want to leave, even if there are some patches needed. Maybe then I'll be able to put my foot down in a way that says: you can't just dismiss or laugh this off anymore, i'm not crazy, I know what I want and this is it.

I never asked him to read my mind. I have asked for exactly the things I want. But he has made it explicitly clear that those things, spanking, slapping, choking, bondage, kneeling, manners, whatever, are not on the table. And since I am not interested in pursuing anything out of my marriage, the vanilla-ish version of myself is all I can be right now. I think that's the part that makes me tear up.

Ok, then I get that it feels hopeless and most difficult to understand what it is he still wants.

 

[tristantrotsky]

The Advantage

I am a direct beneficiary of this situation. My Boyfriend is married to a frigid uptight wife who does nothing to satisfy his needs. Hence the requirement to have me in his life, I do what his wife won't do, I do all the dirty little things that his wife won't. And I love it. I suck his cock. He deep-throats and face-fucks me. I swallow. He uses my bum too, when the mood takes him, and that's beautiful. His wife knows nothing about it - or pretends not to. And he goes home sexually well-satisfied. No-one's the loser. Is that what you want from your relationship…? If I had to rely on honesty and marital fidelity, hell, I'd get no cock-action at all…!

 

[ecstaticsub]

I am a direct beneficiary of this situation. My Boyfriend is married to a frigid uptight wife who does nothing to satisfy his needs. Hence the requirement to have me in his life, I do what his wife won't do, I do all the dirty little things that his wife won't. And I love it. I suck his cock. He deep-throats and face-fucks me. I swallow. He uses my bum too, when the mood takes him, and that's beautiful. His wife knows nothing about it - or pretends not to. And he goes home sexually well-satisfied. No-one's the loser. Is that what you want from your relationship…? If I had to rely on honesty and marital fidelity, hell, I'd get no cock-action at all…!

You are deluding yourself if you think "No-one's the loser". Of course what you are doing has an effect on his wife. You also don't know that she is really a "frigid uptight wife" . Maybe he does nothing to satisfy her needs. Maybe he has never spent the time getting to find out what her needs are.

I won't pass judgement on having a relationship with a married man. But don't judge a woman you when have no first knowledge of her real situation.

 

[alice89]

Hi, I'm here seeking advice.

I'm a switch. I've always been into BDSM-type stuff and probably 95% of the sex I've ever had has involved some form of power play. I decided years ago that I would not date someone whose sexual interests did not involve certain core components of my sexuality - S&M and some form of somebody having power over somebody else.

If there is a god, s/he has a sense of humor, and in the past few months I've managed to fall quite thoroughly in love with someone who has zero interest in such things. It sort of happened by accident - we were friends who developed a strong interest in each other and it reached a point where we said fuck the obstacles, let's date. He's always known I'm kinky, and I've always known he isn't.

I don't want to miss out on being with him, and the idea of asking him for something that is not even remotely his thing squicks me out. But we're both worried that the sex thing isn't going to work. I love sex with him, but I will admit that it's a lot harder to reach orgasm without incorporating elements that he's not into. I often have to mentally reframe things into a kinkier context in order to reach orgasm. He's great at turning me on, but there's definitely a disconnect sexually, and I'm concerned that it could grow into a real problem.

I'm looking for advice from kinky people who have made it work with vanilla partners. He's 100% monogamous and getting my needs met by someone else wouldn't work for us. I love him, and he is my ideal partner in every aspect except for sexual interests -- I've never met anyone remotely close to as compatible. So jumping ship is something I really want to avoid. I also definitely don't want to just try to subsume everything and start to resent him because of it. I guess I'm really just looking for a way to: A. get more satisfaction from vanilla sex and B. deal with my kinky urges in a way that isn't destructive to our relationship.

Any wisdom?

I asked my husband to spank me,he got hard and thats how it started but he isnt 100percent kinky like me,so there will always be obstacles good luck

 

[KatherinaMinola]

I've been with/married to a vanilla man since high school, 25 years now.

Sex has always been infrequent, even when I was 17 and especially now that I'm almost 43. He has always had a sex drive, it just hasn't been aimed at me.

Maybe my submissive qualities turn him off or make him feel inadequate, I'm not sure, really. But if I knew then what I know now, I'd have had a quick high school romance with him and moved on.

There is a lot of sadness, inadequacy, and resentment that comes from each side when sexual needs aren't being met. I think it's important to mesh with your partner sexually. You might be happy for awhile, but eventually you'll dream about what's missing.

 

[StrayKat]

My Boyfriend is married to a frigid uptight wife who does nothing to satisfy his needs.

I heard that story a lot of times.

I would like to hear her side too though.

 

[All_4_Love]

I've been with/married to a vanilla man since high school, 25 years now.

Sex has always been infrequent, even when I was 17 and especially now that I'm almost 43. He has always had a sex drive, it just hasn't been aimed at me.

Maybe my submissive qualities turn him off or make him feel inadequate, I'm not sure, really. But if I knew then what I know now, I'd have had a quick high school romance with him and moved on.

There is a lot of sadness, inadequacy, and resentment that comes from each side when sexual needs aren't being met. I think it's important to mesh with your partner sexually. You might be happy for awhile, but eventually you'll dream about what's missing.

I'm sorry, Katherina. You know there is really nothing I could say to make you feel better, but you're right, there is a tremendous amount of sadness. I understand how you feel.

How others choose to treat us is a direct reflection of what goes on inside of themselves. It's not a reflection of us. You are not inadequate, and most certainly not because you're submissive. You're a gem.

Take care of yourself.

 

[leather_spitfire]

some real food for thought here.

I have a lot of tendencies but fortunately for me none are necessities. it seems to be a fact of life that once married your sex life takes a bit if a dive. interesting that there seem to be as many ladies who aren't getting enough as there are guys.

anyway, it's my great white hope that my sexually repressed wife with her negativity regarding her own body will regain some self confidence and sexual libido now that we're through having kids. she has knocked back a few kinky thoughts and requests and I have not brought anything up since the last time. if this thread teaches me anything it's that my kinks are important enough that they should be heard if nothing else. well, the ones I know she might have the slightest chance of beginning to understand at least!!

 

[tristantrotsky]

Wives Should Also Be Lovers Too...

You are deluding yourself if you think "No-one's the loser". Of course what you are doing has an effect on his wife. You also don't know that she is really a "frigid uptight wife" . Maybe he does nothing to satisfy her needs. Maybe he has never spent the time getting to find out what her needs are.

I won't pass judgement on having a relationship with a married man. But don't judge a woman you when have no first knowledge of her real situation.

Thanks for your comments, Ecstaticsub. What is this…? Some kind of female solidarity thing…? I prefer human solidarity. Each to the fulfillment of their needs, whatever their gender or orientation. I only know what my Boyfriend tells me about his wife. I've never seen her, never mind met her. He says she was wild before they married, and that they had a healthy adventurous sex-life. But now she's got her joint-account, joint-deeds on the property, and she's 'mid-life', it's not dignified for her to suck cock. To me, the fact that he doesn't wish her to do what she's uncomfortable with, is a sign of consideration and respect. Despite your protestations about her 'needs' I think this is a far-from uncommon situation. She's had her hair done. Wait until the end of the TV-soap. Wait until bedtime with the lights out. Let this be told, if you don't suck his cock and do all those cheap slutty things he wants there's always some bratty little faggot-tramp out there who'll take great pleasure in doing it for him. I know, I am that little faggot-tramp cock-sucker. You want to hold him, keep him well-fucked, well-sucked and sexually satisfied, then he won't go out sniffing' around. Same goes for you, of course too. But the theme of this thread is surely imbalance - 'Kinky People In Vanilla Relationships', this is my answer. What's yours….?
All responses please tristantrotsky@talktalk.net

 

[unregistered]

 

[StrayKat]

Thanks for your comments, Ecstaticsub. What is this…? Some kind of female solidarity thing…? I prefer human solidarity. Each to the fulfillment of their needs, whatever their gender or orientation. I only know what my Boyfriend tells me about his wife. I've never seen her, never mind met her. He says she was wild before they married, and that they had a healthy adventurous sex-life. But now she's got her joint-account, joint-deeds on the property, and she's 'mid-life', it's not dignified for her to suck cock. To me, the fact that he doesn't wish her to do what she's uncomfortable with, is a sign of consideration and respect. Despite your protestations about her 'needs' I think this is a far-from uncommon situation. She's had her hair done. Wait until the end of the TV-soap. Wait until bedtime with the lights out. Let this be told, if you don't suck his cock and do all those cheap slutty things he wants there's always some bratty little faggot-tramp out there who'll take great pleasure in doing it for him. I know, I am that little faggot-tramp cock-sucker. You want to hold him, keep him well-fucked, well-sucked and sexually satisfied, then he won't go out sniffing' around. Same goes for you, of course too. But the theme of this thread is surely imbalance - 'Kinky People In Vanilla Relationships', this is my answer. What's yours….?
All responses please tristantrotsky@talktalk.net

ES is apparently just older and smarter and knows not all things are the way they seem to be. She is the last person I would ever accuse of siding with anyone.

Maybe you would think differently if you were in his wife shoes. Not all of us see our men as some prized animal that needs to be fed or they will go sniffing after some other pussy. I dare say not all men would agree to that either.
Besides I am sure there are reasons she is what she is and reasons why he is still married to her and not to you as well. Maybe he is just not telling you everything.

I can post my response just fine here on the boards, I dont see why you expect people to mail you

 

[tristantrotsky]

ES is apparently just older and smarter and knows not all things are the way they seem to be. She is the last person I would ever accuse of siding with anyone.

Maybe you would think differently if you were in his wife shoes. Not all of us see our men as some prized animal that needs to be fed or they will go sniffing after some other pussy. I dare say not all men would agree to that either.
Besides I am sure there are reasons she is what she is and reasons why he is still married to her and not to you as well. Maybe he is just not telling you everything.

I can post my response just fine here on the boards, I dont see why you expect people to mail you

Many thanks for your perception and insight. This dialogue is becoming hugely intriguing to me, and yes, causing me to re-examine my own stance on this. Both of you make valid points in the 'what if' and 'maybe' zone. You could be right. But as I pointed out, this thread is about 'Kinky People In Vanilla Relationships'. Sometimes there is gonna be a libido imbalance in an otherwise contented relationship. One partner wants more. One partner wants less. Neither is to blame. Neither is at fault. It's just in their nature to be that way. But what does the 'more' half of the partnership do about it? Especially if that person does not want to put the partner in a situation they're unhappy with. Wank? Watch lots of online Porn? Bite your lip and just get on with living with frustration. I don't know… I'm asking you. You could be the dissatisfied partner wanting more out of life, watching that life slip away in unsatisfied yearning. And then you happen to meet someone else only too pleased to lick your pussy or lap your clit… what do you do? C'mon… I'm not out to break up a marriage. I don't want him to leave his wife. In fact - by answering his need, he's going home a happier more contented man.

 

[All_4_Love]

Sometimes there is gonna be a libido imbalance in an otherwise contented relationship. One partner wants more. One partner wants less. Neither is to blame. Neither is at fault. It's just in their nature to be that way. But what does the 'more' half of the partnership do about it?

The more half of the partnership should be honest. It's not fair to deceive someone into staying in a relationship. The person doing the deceiving is the one that appears to be the most unhappy and the most fearful of the consequences of being honest. He's sneaking around to get his needs met. She's probably aware but in total denial about it.

If you're not happy, get out! It's that simple. He's too frightened of the consequences if his wife knew that he was cheating. He's probably frightened of being alone. Maybe he's worried about the financial crap in a divorce. Worried about the children (as if children don't know). All very selfish reasons for doing what he is doing. It has nothing to do with what is in her best interest, although I am sure he is deluding himself into believing that.

She deserves the right, just as any human being, to be fully aware and consensual with the things that are going on in her marriage.

She's content and monogamous; he's content and he's cheating. Big deal! Give her the choice. She deserves to be the person in charge of her own life. It is her life, after all. No one else's.

ETA: This has always confused me "there's a libido imbalance in an otherwise contented relationship"

I don't understand that. I guess I have weird views on relationships, but I would think if the relationship was otherwise content, there would be no issue with the sexual aspect. One would feed the other. I don't know. It just seems to me that people make relationships to be so much more complicated than they have to be.

 

[StrayKat]

This has always confused me "there's a libido imbalance in an otherwise contented relationship"

I don't understand that. I guess I have weird views on relationships, but I would think if the relationship was otherwise content, there would be no issue with the sexual aspect. One would feed the other. I don't know. It just seems to me that people make relationships to be so much more complicated than they have to be.

It is not always so easy nor black and white. There *can* be libido imbalance and still exist friendship and love. Sometimes people hope things will change, the other person may have some real mental or physical problems and it takes time to solve them. Takes time to even persuade someone to realize they might need professional help. And what do you do in that time if you simply said need sex to function properly, yet dont get it in a way or dose that would satisfy you? What if you are sexually attracted to that person still, apart from being friends and love them and maybe have children and house mortgage and many other things on top.
How is that easy to get out of then?

Relationships can be very complicated. People are complicated. And not everyone is always sure why they want something or even what they want. Or dont want.

I am all for communication. Talk, until you go blue in the face. But what if that changes nothing? What if other person shuts down and doesnt let you get close? What if they dont know the answers, however silly it may sound? Not everyone is aware of everything about themselves. What if they want but just cant <do whatever would make you happier>? But you love them still and dont want to leave.
What then? Live in celibate? What if your suppressed sex drive starts affecting things that it shouldnt in negative way?

It is not easy, nor simple to solve such things sometimes. And it may take quite a bit of time. Personally I hate lies but I have to wonder if the truth is the worse option in some cases. At least until you manage to get through some entangled mental bushes in your relationship to present said truth.