Lit is it a good thing or bad?

[impressive]

I am trying to incorporate myself into a world that I built for my family, one where the real me stayed on the outside and watched it spin, oiling it when needed. The other me, the "image" of me was on the inside playing her part and doing it so well I forgot who I was.

Very well said! I did the same for many years.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

wehstar - - Never an interruption. Your opinion is just as welcomed as everyones. Thank you for it. I was frustrated and I still am often frustrated, if not with this situation then with other things beyond my control, but I trudge forward, because I am not a "stalemate" kinda gal.

SG - - Thank you for your kind words too. They too are appreciative and I am glad you took the time to share your thoughts.

****

I don't think I could go back to the woman I was; she was more easily "contained" and though I didn't know what I know now, there was always a part of me that hungered for friendships denied me. I'd wanted to return to the work force for many years, but logically, or so it seemed like it at the time, it made sense for me to stay home. I wasn't able to go with him when he went fishing, out with friends, etc. . .because I had children too small to leave alone. Now I have a teenager and another who will be turning a teenager soon. They can watch their brother if I am not home for a few hours after they get home from school.

Perhaps this would have been a natural transition for me, and I would have found myself freer once I did enter the work force again and begin to chat with other adults. Lit, and being online just helped to do what employment and co-workers didn't. . . help me make friends and discover what I was like before I was married and when I was away from members of my family that expected me to be the "good" daughter. *sigh*

I honestly don't know if writing would have ever come into the mix. I never wrote before Lit, so why would I suddenly had started without it? It was just something that never interested me. I am very glad it does though. It's brought me many hours of pleasure, just to sit down and fill a screen with words that later, hopefully, someone else will find pleasing. And poetry. . .I never would have saw a poet somewhere inside of me either. My world at the time revolved around family, not myself.

Perhaps that is where the issue is. . .I am trying to incorporate myself into a world that I built for my family, one where the real me stayed on the outside and watched it spin, oiling it when needed. The other me, the "image" of me was on the inside playing her part and doing it so well I forgot who I was.

Does any of that make sense or have I confused myself as well as you all?

What you're doing is totally understandable, and I hope that you find plenty of creative outlets, not just writing and verse, although those are important. You're rediscovering yourself and reexamining your life. There's no harm in that. If anything, it will reduce the seething frustration within you.

You're tired of quiet desperation, as Thoreau would call it. That's a healthy start. If Lit can help you there, that's a more important contribution than any political thread, any SRP, any story, or any poem by itself. You are seeking this out because you need it. That's not exactly a bad thing. Hugs and kisses.

I'm very glad that you are able to explore new aspects to yourself. That's a step forward in the pursuit of happiness. And no one is one hundred percent happy, but one can do things that give oneself greater happiness. Mainly by allowing yourself the chance to enjoy and experiment with things like writing, poetry, and new friendships.

I don't know about the others, but I feel honored that you would show us a side of yourself that you don't show the outside world. That speaks of a kind of trust and vulnerability that I value. It makes perfect sense to me, as everyone needs some place to do that.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

You're an amazing woman, Red.

And...

As The_Fool wisely said, the genie won't go back into the bottle.

No friction, no genie...

so love that friction... it will get you what you want in the end.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

Thank you all. I do believe I have conformed to an image I knew would make life easier for others. I watched my older siblings rip my parents lives, my sisters, my own into pieces and I didn't want to do that too them. Then my youngest sister did it and I just couldn't bring myself to do the things that I knew would hurt them, so I began early to make myself into something that wouldn't disappoint them or bring them pain.

I made sure I didn't do drugs, drank 2 beers before I was 20. lol...that was it. Tried to smoke, did that for 3 mths, then dropped that naughty thrill. *chuckles* I made a list of requirements for men I would date, based on the men my sisters had dated, making sure I stayed far away from those type of boys. Soooo I dated rarely and when I did, they were boys I knew mom and dad could find no wrong in. I didn't have sex until I met the man I would marry and then I committed the big sin and boy did my mom make me feel like a slut.

*sigh* I had sex with him and got pregnant 3 mths before the wedding. OMG. . . did she come down on me. I thought. . .I'd been so good for so long and still I had disappointed her. My father took it easier, because he said my fiance (spouse now) wasn't like my sisters' past husbands and so he wasn't too worried. He's right about my spouse not being like their ex's (6 between the 2 of them). I made sure he was nothing like them.

I have focused a lot of my life on making sure I was someone they'd be proud of, not because I hungered for their love. They do love me. They are great parents. I just wanted to make their lives easier. I lived through what they did as their daughters took to alcohol, drug abuse, sex at very young ages, abortion, pregnancies, abusive husbands, divorces, custody battles, self-mutilation, arrests. . . I didn't want to experience any of that mind you, but I knew also to avoid everything because it would hurt and disappoint them and myself. Therefor, I didn't take chances. I was good, because it would keep them from being concerned about me. They already had enough on their plates.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Thank you all. I do believe I have conformed to an image I knew would make life easier for others. I watched my older siblings rip my parents lives, my sisters, my own into pieces and I didn't want to do that too them. Then my youngest sister did it and I just couldn't bring myself to do the things that I knew would hurt them, so I began early to make myself into something that wouldn't disappoint them or bring them pain.

I made sure I didn't do drugs, drank 2 beers before I was 20. lol...that was it. Tried to smoke, did that for 3 mths, then dropped that naughty thrill. *chuckles* I made a list of requirements for men I would date, based on the men my sisters had dated, making sure I stayed far away from those type of boys. Soooo I dated rarely and when I did, they were boys I knew mom and dad could find no wrong in. I didn't have sex until I met the man I would marry and then I committed the big sin and boy did my mom make me feel like a slut.

*sigh* I had sex with him and got pregnant 3 mths before the wedding. OMG. . . did she come down on me. I thought. . .I'd been so good for so long and still I had disappointed her. My father took it easier, because he said my fiance (spouse now) wasn't like my sisters' past husbands and so he wasn't too worried. He's right about my spouse not being like their ex's (6 between the 2 of them). I made sure he was nothing like them.

I have focused a lot of my life on making sure I was someone they'd be proud of, not because I hungered for their love. They do love me. They are great parents. I just wanted to make their lives easier. I lived through what they did as their daughters took to alcohol, drug abuse, sex at very young ages, abortion, pregnancies, abusive husbands, divorces, custody battles, self-mutilation, arrests. . . I didn't want to experience any of that mind you, but I knew also to avoid everything because it would hurt and disappoint them and myself. Therefor, I didn't take chances. I was good, because it would keep them from being concerned about me. They already had enough on their plates.

You said you parents already love you. That's most likely true. Ultimately, seeing you happy will mean more than seeing you trying to be what you think they want you to be. Aside from everything else, i think parents just want their kids to be happy.

 

[cloudy]

You said you parents already love you. That's most likely true. Ultimately, seeing you happy will mean more than seeing you trying to be what you think they want you to be. Aside from everything else, i think parents just want their kids to be happy.

That's all I really hope for with my children, certainly.

 

[TheEarl]

In a way, it was like an extreme form of roleplaying therapy, stepping outside of herself to become this voraciously sexual person, confident, in control, getting what she wanted. She now fully understood what people meant by the term 'abandon'. When she was becoming Katy Koxx, she was abandoning everything about Madeleine Witherson, existing without the constraints of fear and worry for a while. And when she returned to being Madeleine Witherson, she brought a little more of Katy Koxx back with her each time.

It was like having a secret lover; she had this other life, this other self that nobody knew about and the thought of it was a constant thrill. When she was in familiar company, she got off thinking how surprised they would be if they knew. The paradox was that the longer she was a porn actress, the more the public Madeleine changed into someone they'd be less surprised to learn that about.

- Not The End Of The World
Christopher Brookmyre

The Earl

 

[jushorny]

Many here have voiced there opinions much better than I ever will Red, but, one thing is for sure, my life has been greatly enriched by knowing you. I came here mostly to perv, never really expecting to post in the forums much less write. Now, I find myself drawn to check in on the many new friends I have found here.

It was the encouragement of those who befriended me here that gave me the courage to attempt to write. I've never been one to enjoy the English language, never one who enjoyed writing. While I don't consider my writing talents as good as most authors here, I have noticed improvement. I think the writing aspect for both of us has been a growing experience, both in writing and in sexual awakening. I don't see that as a bad thing at all.

I agree with others that life changes constanly. Change for you would have occurred in one form or the other no matter what. If it wasn't Lit, it would have been something else that brought about change. I try to look at life as a journey and try my best to enjoy the journey. Sometimes its the journey thats important and not the end result. You're not lost, just on an unchartered course. I'm more than confident you will find your way. You're an amzing woman, one who has enriched my life as well as the lives of many around here.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

The_Earl - Thank you, what a fitting exert. I really thank you for sharing it with me and all of us here that have posted/lurked at the thread. *hugs*

Jus - You know you've enriched my life greatly in more ways than I had ever expected. Thank you for that.

Everyone here has been and I know will continue to support me as my life continues to spiral into something, I hope, that brings me more joy and fascination every step of the way. Thank you. *hugs*

As a parent, I do want my kids happy too. I know mine want that, it's just a different path that I may take that will shock them and in time, yes, they'd accept it.