Maintenance Sex

[PerpetualNotion]

This is an interesting topic. This is why I was prompted to sign up to Lit again after waking up at 2am on the sofa at work. I'm not an alt, my membership was way back when, at a very different time in my life. I couldn't ressurect the handle even if I wanted to.

I've been going through an inordinate amount of shit for the whole of my adult life, because we have a genetically inherited degenerative illness in the family. Work has been stressful this past year. I'm now on antidepressants, which allow me to focus on the here and now and be generally more 'present in the present.' None of this has done wonders for my libido. It's not even like I can fake it - of course I know that's not the answer but most people have given 'points for effort' on one occasion or another - because I'm a gusher. It either happens or it doesn't. There's no pretence.

I don't mind maintenance sex and there have been occasions when I've gone along with his initiating out of love rather than lust and some great sex has happened as a result. He can't enjoy himself if I'm not however. He tries to get me there and if I know it's simply not going to happen, I don't want him putting in a load of effort. At certain times during my cycle my nipples and clit are so sensitive that it's mildly torturous having them stimulated when I'm not really aroused. There will be times when his perseverance works and as lovely as that it is, it just seems to vindicate him in terms of when I've tried to focus on his pleasure and murmur that tonight isn't going to be the night. He's almost always up for it - not that he's demanding - but despite the fact he knows I've got other serious shit going on that has nothing to do with him, he will still take anything short of multiple Os (I'm blessed in that regard when I do get going, so he's a little spoiled) as rejection or even as an indication that I'm 'not happy'.

If he could just get into bed with me and not insist on spending ages persevering - which pressures me - we'd have more opportunities for genuinely good sex. Somehow, I don't seem to be able to get this across to him.

Anyway, sorry for the long post.

 

[suckonsimon]

This is an interesting topic. ....
If he could just get into bed with me and not insist on spending ages persevering - which pressures me - we'd have more opportunities for genuinely good sex. Somehow, I don't seem to be able to get this across to him.

Anyway, sorry for the long post.

Hey, that's a tough one and thanks for sharing. I remember that for me it took a lot for me to actually believe my woman had pleasure in me having my pleasure when she knew it was not going to build to anything for her. She told me again and again in different ways. I'm thinking: what really cracked it for me was reading her smile the odd time I opened my eyes while climaxing [yeah, when it was this kind of sex I can't help but close them! Quite different if we're both in orbit!]. In that smile I at last believed that there was genuine satisfaction for her, in being available for me. I guess a consequence is that has been I have had much greater freedom within myself to enjoy sex when for her it is 'maintenance'.

And ... welcome back onto Lit!

 

[subkitty643]

I'm on the fence on this and at a point in my marriage where it feels like we have more maintenance sex than passionate, toe curling sex. We are two busy, tired professionals and sex is more often than it should be, on the back burner. I just need a little more passion and a little more foreplay and I'd be a ton more into it.

 

[PerpetualNotion]

Hey, that's a tough one and thanks for sharing. I remember that for me it took a lot for me to actually believe my woman had pleasure in me having my pleasure when she knew it was not going to build to anything for her. She told me again and again in different ways. I'm thinking: what really cracked it for me was reading her smile the odd time I opened my eyes while climaxing [yeah, when it was this kind of sex I can't help but close them! Quite different if we're both in orbit!]. In that smile I at last believed that there was genuine satisfaction for her, in being available for me. I guess a consequence is that has been I have had much greater freedom within myself to enjoy sex when for her it is 'maintenance'.

And ... welcome back onto Lit!

Thanks for your comments. Having thought about it, I'm probably either not being passionate enough from the get go or making so much effort it maybe feels forced. I'm not much of an initiator these days but it's not completely uncommon for me to go from 'meh' to 'yeah!' And I guess that requires him to put effort in, which therefore tells him I need him to go all out in order to get me on board.

I think there's also an element of shame/guilt too. He's understanding enough about the stuff going on in my life. He's so supportive. I know I'm starving him of affection by failing to be intimate/tactile enough. The least he deserves from me is a damn good sex on a reasonably regular basis. For one reason or another it just keeps not happening. So I guess each time I'm less confident about 'getting there' (or at least thereabouts). It makes it harder to get into a good place with all this stuff. Half the time we're basically fucking at crossed purposes!

 

[The_gladiator]

I really like this topic though haven't read the article yet, I agree that its necessary and should be a part of relationships. I know I function better, have decreased anxiety and depression when we are active together, but she is often not in the mood, so it has been a process trying to sort that out.

 

[Lancecastor]

Is this how my wife gets the dishwasher repaired?

Sorry about that.

 

[thør]

Sorry about that.

We don't use Dyson products.

 

[jaF0]

 

[Lancecastor]

We don't use Dyson products.

That's what she said.

 

[BoyNextDoor]

"FemSocialist" made the comment: No. Just fucking NO. The unbelievable levels bourgeois feminists stoop to in order to fit themselves around monogamy make me want to catch something on fire. IF I DON'T WANT IT, GO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

And then followed up with:

You cannot make the argument three months ago, as I'm pretty sure I recall Tracy herself or someone else at Jezebel doing, that NO MEANS NO and YES MEANS YES and YOU RESPECT ABSOLUTELY WHEN SOMEONE DOES OR DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU while simultaneously making the argument that maybe possibly you should want it a bit more, because, you know, your partner really wants you to and what s/he wants really must be balanced against your own sexual agency, right?

Also I'm pretty sure that all the non-Disney "legitimate reasons" people have for compulsory monogamy involve accessing the financial/legal/economic/social benefits conferred on the monogamous nuclear family by society and the state in order to privatize the responsibility for providing adequate protections for ALL men, women, and children.

She makes a pretty compelling point. Hard to argue.

 

[lovetoread]

aye, its hard to argue that point

personally, i am eh about the whole thing

if i dont want sex, then by all means go out and get some

its the same the other way, if'n you dont want sex with me, im gonna go get some

no harm, no foul

 

[lovetoread]

Am I the only woman sick of hearing the advice, “Make your marriage stronger by having sex even when you don’t feel like it?” How about, “NO.” Enthusiastic consent doesn’t only apply when we are teaching our kids about rape culture. Enthusiastic consent should be a given every, single time you have sex. And if you don’t feel like having it — men or women alike — you shouldn’t be guilted into it on the premise that it makes you a better partner.

Stop Telling Women Having Sex When They Don’t Feel Like It Is The Recipe For A Healthy Marriage

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[The_gladiator]

I think there are two completely different things here.

Take sex out of the equation and consider relationships; friendships.

If you stop meeting your friends for nights out becauseyou feel 'bleh' repeatedly and with no meetingthem half way eventually your friendship group will move on. They have too.

If you say 'I feel really really crap guys, I just cannot do it ,( no means no ) they will tend to rally round, meet at your home occasionally, make effort to do things in your comfort zone .

If on the days you can meet them half way they will super appreciate it ( maintenance sex) and still make some allowances and the ideal is that you have a better time than you imagined and feel that you can do it for the next friends birthday.


Of course it's a. Imperfect analogy; friends have each other and other dynamics. Lovers/ spouses often do not; but it is very easy ti as a friend suffering or a lover become trapped in a isolation cycle from not encouraging yourself and having support when you make that effort. That is a huge difference, in my mind, from being able to say no. Fwiw I have found myself in all those dynamics at some point, and they FEEL very. Very different.

Edit: I further feel compelled to add that it's very true that individually we might have issues with these boundaries. I admit I do. but I think that's MY issue not societies or the issue of the people I have been with, they have had imo their own problems but that doesn't negate my responsibilities.

I like this post I agree with the analogy I would also add that if you say no to friends often enough they will stop inviting you out and move on. By no means saying women or men should say yes to sex when they don't want it but keep in mind that a person may seek it elsewhere in that case if no is too frequent. What bothers me is when there is no allowance made for sex outside of the relationship, and then one partner stops having sex, says no all the time, it then traps the other partner, they either go against their partner's wishes or go without. So although I completely agree no one should feel forced into sex I don't think its right to force your partner to not have sex either. I feel like its a case of wanting your cake and eating it too. I feel like maintenance sex is a way to bridge this gap. I just struggle with the whole idea that I should just accept you don't want to have sex with me but I'm not able to have sex with someone else.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[The_gladiator]

To be very clear if for some reason G could no longer have sex with me I would not look elsewhere for sex. Because I have another partner now it might even mean that sexual relationship would cease; I don't know. We would all talk about it I imagine in that scenario. It would be important to ALL of us to reach good resolve and maintain my marriage well, of that I am confident.

Wanting a sexual bond with a lover is very different to me from excusing infidelity. Confusing? Maybe. It all makes sense On the ground.

I understand. I was not necessarily meaning in my post that it should excuse infidelity but to illustrate how some people could feel trapped. and often there is also differences between physically being unable and unwilling to work on things which was what I was referring to.
I enjoy your posts, they always come across as well thought out and written.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Lancecastor]

It seems to me that in a solid relationship, each looks out for the other as they look after themselves.

From that perspective, the term "maintenance sex" and the notion of getting it somewhere else if you don't get it at home...sounds uncaring and selfish.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Denny

Sex while fixing the central heating.

We had to pay a guy to check our AC/heating. It cost money. Did I get fucked?

Is that the same as getting your oil changed.

I used to change my own oil then got one of the kids to do it. Now I go to BadYear and pay double.

Then you should read further.
It describes marital rape, and this ain't it. It's doing something for your spouse even if you're not in the mood. I'm not usually in the mood to take out the trash, change the oil in the car, or be a taxi service for the kids. Guess what? I still do it. In return I'm doing my share to have a clean house, a happy car, and enjoy hanging with the kids.
SOOOO many marriages would be better if the 'other half' put out once in a while

Exactly, the car and house get attention then I get taken care of. Everything gets proper maintenance.

the dishwasher is still broken.

That's what kids are for.

To be very clear if for some reason G could no longer have sex with me I would not look elsewhere for sex. Because I have another partner now it might even mean that sexual relationship would cease; I don't know. We would all talk about it I imagine in that scenario. It would be important to ALL of us to reach good resolve and maintain my marriage well, of that I am confident.
Wanting a sexual bond with a lover is very different to me from excusing infidelity. Confusing? Maybe. It all makes sense On the ground.

We went thru many cycles. For now I'm out of the intercourse business but Dollie has finally realized what friends are for. Full mantenance while I am broke down. Sort of like a second car when the new one is broke down.


Lancecastor: It seems to me that in a solid relationship, each looks out for the other as they look after themselves.

From that perspective, the term "maintenance sex" and the notion of getting it somewhere else if you don't get it at home...sounds uncaring and selfish.

Lancie is finally beginning to understand.

 

[Lancecastor]

Some of you may know that Biblical translations vary depending on which branches of the Christian faith used which scholars and which scrolls to write "their" version of the Bible.

Some of the syntax debates are central, for example, to the Catholic and Protestant "divide".

One syntax difference that has always intrigued me relates to Marriage; I believe it's in the Book of Matthew, but certainly one of the Gospels.

In one translation, Marriage is described as "when two become one"....the other is translated as "when two become as one".

The difference is fairly substantive....two becoming one leaves out the pair's individuality, whereas two becoming as one creates a three-way of sorts when setting course for the partnership.

I personally prefer the three way notion...which suggests each should be looking out for the Marriage, the Spouse and Themselves in their lives together.

I think this interpretation cuts off the common theme of feeling "stifled" by the "burden" of putting the Marriage first all the time, no matter what.

After all, you're no good to anyone else if you're not good to yourself.

At least that's my take on it.

 

[Aquagal]

Some of you may know that Biblical translations vary depending on which branches of the Christian faith used which scholars and which scrolls to write "their" version of the Bible.

Some of the syntax debates are central, for example, to the Catholic and Protestant "divide".

One syntax difference that has always intrigued me relates to Marriage; I believe it's in the Book of Matthew, but certainly one of the Gospels.

In one translation, Marriage is described as "when two become one"....the other is translated as "when two become as one".

The difference is fairly substantive....two becoming one leaves out the pair's individuality, whereas two becoming as one creates a three-way of sorts when setting course for the partnership.

I personally prefer the three way notion...which suggests each should be looking out for the Marriage, the Spouse and Themselves in their lives together.

I think this interpretation cuts off the common theme of feeling "stifled" by the "burden" of putting the Marriage first all the time, no matter what.

After all, you're no good to anyone else if you're not good to yourself.

At least that's my take on it.

Who's the new guy?

 

[Lancecastor]

Hi! I'm new to the Lounge!

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Denny

Who's the new guy?

There is hope for Lancecastor. He found some old Canadian scrolls on a beach and saw where he has wronged.