Making Her Feel Special

[SweetErika]

Thanks for the advice Erica and Ansi.

Erica... could you explain that part I quoted, like give an example?

Ansi... I know what you mean, that sounds like a great situation. I'm not even sure if an air raid sireon would move me, unless it was to save both of our lives... boy wouldn't that show her she was special.

And I just wanted to tell everyone that I'm getting positive feedback from the one person that really matters, the girl I'm trying to make feel special. She told me last night I was really sweet to her. Which in turn made me feel special. So I guess that's another thing a girl could do for a guy to make him feel special, notice that he notices.

That's great news!

"-Comments that show true emotion and honesty...ones that make you vulnerable and tell me exactly what you're feeling and thinking. People rarely open themselves up to any kind of rejection, so if you're doing that for me, I must be special."

Explanation: It could be as simple as saying, "I really like you and would love the opportunity to spend more time together and get to know you better." or "I'm falling in love with you more and more everyday." I perceive those as scary things to say since the other person could reject at that point. A lot of times we play a guessing game and don't know what the other person is thinking or feeling because we're all masters at dancing around those subjects in order to protect ourselves (how many times have you wondered "how does she feel? does she like me?"), so a well-timed, honest expression means a lot. To me, it means a little more coming from a man since a lot of men aren't naturally expressive, so I know it's hard for them to open up like that. Does that answer your question?

 

[chylo]

That's great news!

"-Comments that show true emotion and honesty...ones that make you vulnerable and tell me exactly what you're feeling and thinking. People rarely open themselves up to any kind of rejection, so if you're doing that for me, I must be special."

Explanation: It could be as simple as saying, "I really like you and would love the opportunity to spend more time together and get to know you better." or "I'm falling in love with you more and more everyday." I perceive those as scary things to say since the other person could reject at that point. A lot of times we play a guessing game and don't know what the other person is thinking or feeling because we're all masters at dancing around those subjects in order to protect ourselves (how many times have you wondered "how does she feel? does she like me?"), so a well-timed, honest expression means a lot. To me, it means a little more coming from a man since a lot of men aren't naturally expressive, so I know it's hard for them to open up like that. Does that answer your question?

Yes, Erica, that certainly answers my question. But it kind of leads me to a new question...

Last night we were talking and things were going well, and I said that I understand that she's still getting over her ex, but when she's ready to date she might think of letting me know. This morning we were talking and she said that she was just intrested in being friend right now. That she's still getting over her ex, and that she's feeling pressure from me.

So my question is, is there a fine line between trying to make someone feel special, and making them feel pressured into feeling some way about you?

Obviously when I really like someone, I am a big eager, and I guess it's just hard for me not to be overeager.

 

[SweetErika]

Yes, Erica, that certainly answers my question. But it kind of leads me to a new question...

Last night we were talking and things were going well, and I said that I understand that she's still getting over her ex, but when she's ready to date she might think of letting me know. This morning we were talking and she said that she was just intrested in being friend right now. That she's still getting over her ex, and that she's feeling pressure from me.

So my question is, is there a fine line between trying to make someone feel special, and making them feel pressured into feeling some way about you?

Obviously when I really like someone, I am a big eager, and I guess it's just hard for me not to be overeager.

Yes, there is a fine line, and she's obviously letting you know you're getting close or crossing it. That's good news though...you have good communication going. I would tell her that you didn't mean to make her feel pressured in any way and ask what you can do specifically to take the pressure off (by giving her space, etc.). You might add that you understand how she's feeling and value her friendship, so you want to do whatever it takes to make her feel good. Then you need to do what she asks you to and give her space, no matter how hard it is. Love is doing the higher good for the other person.

 

[chylo]

Yes, there is a fine line, and she's obviously letting you know you're getting close or crossing it. That's good news though...you have good communication going. I would tell her that you didn't mean to make her feel pressured in any way and ask what you can do specifically to take the pressure off (by giving her space, etc.). You might add that you understand how she's feeling and value her friendship, so you want to do whatever it takes to make her feel good. Then you need to do what she asks you to and give her space, no matter how hard it is. Love is doing the higher good for the other person.

That's pretty much what I did. It's just I guess it hard not to feel very discouraged right now. But I'm heading on a trip tomorrow so I'll have a few days away to mellow out and things will seem better I'm sure.


Erika, I just noticed I was spelling your name with a c not a k, sorry about that. And I just wanted to say thanks not only for the advice that you're giving me, but for everyone. You seem to be a font of knowledge and it's really nice of you to help out and share your opinions.

 

[SweetErika]

That's pretty much what I did. It's just I guess it hard not to feel very discouraged right now. But I'm heading on a trip tomorrow so I'll have a few days away to mellow out and things will seem better I'm sure.


Erika, I just noticed I was spelling your name with a c not a k, sorry about that. And I just wanted to say thanks not only for the advice that you're giving me, but for everyone. You seem to be a font of knowledge and it's really nice of you to help out and share your opinions.

Thanks, and it sounds like you're doing EXACTLY the right things, so be proud and encouraged. If you were doing something wrong, she'd break off contact with you altogether. You seem like a wonderful guy, and even if this one doesn't work out for some reason, any woman would be lucky to have such a considerate and thoughtful partner! Remember that everything always works out for the best, and have a great trip!

 

[GeorgeWBush]

I have been reading everything and you got some good advice and i do it all the time with out noticing that i'm doing it i guess it comes natural for me.

But another thing that makes a girl feel speciand they like a guy that can cook i will usually make a very nice home cooked dinner with the works something they like and they really like that.

Thru the time i get to know them i find what they like to eat and then i will make it for them with wine and the works everything they like to eat.

So if you are not a good cook better learn it is a romantic also when you have the table with candles and flowers.

Good luck with the new girl.

 

[Ansi]

Comments that show true emotion and honesty...ones that make you vulnerable and tell me exactly what you're feeling and thinking.

Here's one to think about...learn to cry.

Seriously...IMHO, there are far too many men out there who're too macho and/or afraid to just have a good *cry* now and then. People go around constantly supressing their frustration with...stuff...for the sake of maintaining appearences. Any psychologist will tell you that you've got to let your feelings out every so often for your own mental health. It may sound stupid, but just sitting down and letting your sadness and angst at (whatever) vent itself can make you feel a LOT better.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really depressed, I'll deliberately think about all the things that make me sad, let the sadness wash over me, and just sit and cry for awhile. Sure, it's not pleasant...but after a little while, it stops, and I feel even better emotionally than I did before I started.



A while back, my female friend and I made a day of going around town doing nothing in particular. That particular day turned out to be a real Murphy day, though, as nearly every bad thing in the book occured. By the time we finally went back home, I had both mortally embarassed myself, and injured my foot from a fall. I was *fuming* (not at her, though), and started off on an angry rant about life in general...then I broke down and started getting teary-eyed. She was watching, but I didn't really care...I just felt the *need* to get it out of my system after such a horrible day.

I thought she might react negatively, but instead, she gave me a consilatory hug, and offered to stay until I felt better. That alone almost made me normal again.



As a converse to what Erika said...not only is 'opening up' to someone a sign of thinking they're special, but not taking advantage of someone when they open up to YOU is as well. If that special someone bares their soul to you...owns up to something embarassing, or says something that's very difficult for them to say...you can show how you feel by treating them respectfully regardless of your response.

For example, if he/she reveals a long-hidden fear of something that you think is just plain silly, DON'T laugh, or even snicker. Don't even say anything about how 'stupid' or 'weird' it might seem to you. Fear is something everyone understands, so just tell him/her that you know what it's like to be really scared. Share a fear or scary experience of your own while you're at it. Revealing your own vulnerabilities when they reveal theirs will put BOTH of you at ease about doing so in the future.

 

[chylo]

Hey all... Thanks for all the advice.

Erika - I know I shouldn't be discouraged as much as I am and that any woman should be happy with a guy like me, but well it just seems that they hardly give me a chance. I guess part of the problem I have right now is that my life is certainly a bit abnormal. I've just spend the last two plus years traveling. This year in particular I've spent a lot of it traveling alone. That gives you a lot of time to think, and I guess I've just spend so much time thinking about what I'd like. With this girl I've been courting, well it's basically been through the internet mostly. We did meet when I was driving thru her town, and this weekend I'm about to start a semi permanant life in her town/area. I think with all the time alone I've had a lot of time to build up a want for her. And I think she's not one to think of anything stronger then friendship over the internet. I think that's why she seems to like me, but she's not sure how she felt since we've only had 4 hours together in person. When we talked to other day she said that she didn't think that we'd be good as a dating couple, but good as friends. I don't know if that's because she has the wrong idea about me, or that she wouldn't want to date someone who she felt so pressured from, or if she really sees something in me that she doesn't want. And it's hard to know if things in person will overcome whatever it is. I think the only thing I can really do right now, is keep things up when I get out there, and just do my best to hold back for a bit. Keep making her feel special, but let her maybe come around/warm up to me. Maybe in a month or two she'll seem intrested again, and I'll ask her out in person at that point and I'd get a different answer.

George W- It's funny, basically what I'm taking out there with me is cooking stuff. So I guess I'll hopefully be able to make some good/impressive dishes that will win her heart. Wonder if the old saying works in reverse "The best way to a woman's heart is through her stomach"?

Ansi - And finally, as far as crying goes... it's hard to do sometimes. I once was with this girl and got terribly lost, which is not something I do often, but being in a french city when I can't speak much french can do that to a guy. I pretty much broke down and cried because I couldn't even find us on the map. The girl that I was with did help me feel a bit better, but well I'm not sure I felt better for the experiance. It sounds like you get all the luck Ansi.

 

[chylo]

Update...

Hey, I just wanted to give an update to this thread, in case anyone was curious.

First off, again, thanks for all the advice. Alas, it seemed all for naught, well at least in this case. She seems to be a great person with so much in common, and yet she has to keep her disance now, which has just made me feel small, and feeling small doesn't help me.

So I've started to look for someone else, maybe someone worthy of making feel special. It's so hard, and it's filled with rejection, but that just seems to be the nature of the game, expecially for nice guys.

Anyway, i hope this new year brings good news for everyone!

 

[SweetErika]

Re: Update...

Hey, I just wanted to give an update to this thread, in case anyone was curious.

First off, again, thanks for all the advice. Alas, it seemed all for naught, well at least in this case. She seems to be a great person with so much in common, and yet she has to keep her disance now, which has just made me feel small, and feeling small doesn't help me.

So I've started to look for someone else, maybe someone worthy of making feel special. It's so hard, and it's filled with rejection, but that just seems to be the nature of the game, expecially for nice guys.

Anyway, i hope this new year brings good news for everyone!

Sorry it didn't work out Chylo, but you'll meet someone (probably many) who will truly appreciate what a great guy you are...I'm sure of it! It's all process of elimination, and with every experience, you learn something valuable about yourself and others. 2005 is going to be a great year!

 

[Xectxny19X]

I just read your post and haven't read what others have said. So, I may sound repetitive if it's been said already. Put it quite simply, in my opinion as a girl, I just want to feel like I'm the world to that specific someone. Like how you're asking in this thread right now...she doesn't know that. If you asked her what would make her feel special...I think just asking that would be a step. Remember what she likes or really find out what she likes. I'm not sure where you guyz are in the relationship right now. Echo back what she likes by doing things w/ her that relates to it or going into that line of conversation and just going, "I remembered you liked...." Yeah, although actions speaks louder than words...sometimes there's a lot of things going on in a girl's life to make her not notice what you're doing...and so just don't forget to say, "I remembered..." while you're doing whatever it is you're doing for her. Hhhhmmmm, get to know her VERY well and make sure she feels you know her for all that she is..her good and bad side. And yea...me and my friends agree. We're all girls, LoL. I wish the best of luck!

 

[Xectxny19X]

I just read your update. I'm REALLY sorry to hear that. You sound like a great guy. You'll find the right one some day. May the New Year bring you happiness as well.

 

[77Cobra]

Believe it or not ,my Mother taught me some things about how to treat a lady that has stuck with me over the years.You would not believe how many times I have gotten compliments from the ladies either.First one is always open the door for her.Car door or any door for that matter.Always allow her to sit first. Never when walking down the street allow her to be closest to the street,the man always walks closest to the street.Plus a woman needs at least one compliment a day and she needs touched in a non sexual way,a gentle touch at least once a day. It has worked for me.Thanks Mom

 

[SweetErika]

Believe it or not ,my Mother taught me some things about how to treat a lady that has stuck with me over the years.You would not believe how many times I have gotten compliments from the ladies either.First one is always open the door for her.Car door or any door for that matter.Always allow her to sit first. Never when walking down the street allow her to be closest to the street,the man always walks closest to the street.Plus a woman needs at least one compliment a day and she needs touched in a non sexual way,a gentle touch at least once a day. It has worked for me.Thanks Mom

That's a good mom! Those are things I think of as good manners and common courtesies...it's pretty sad how rare and special it is to find a guy who still practices them though!

 

[nortonsavage]

Oh women ALWAYS appreciate a nice guy...but I think you're getting to the age when a woman is actually starting to want that nice guy she's always appreciated...

I hope you're right for his sake.... at least about the girl in question. I'm 40, tho, and sometimes it still seems that while women like and appreciate the nice guy, they still want the bad boys...

 

[mcfc2134]

This makes quite interesting reading, as I'm in a similar situation at the moment. I want to know that this girl is special to me, its just I dont know if she's picking up and what I'm doing.

I'm gonna use some of the hints on this thread, and see how it goes.

I really want this one to work, I just wanna make sure I don't mess it up.

 

[SweetErika]

This makes quite interesting reading, as I'm in a similar situation at the moment. I want to know that this girl is special to me, its just I dont know if she's picking up and what I'm doing.

I'm gonna use some of the hints on this thread, and see how it goes.

I really want this one to work, I just wanna make sure I don't mess it up.

That seems to be a popular sentiment, but it strikes me that you guys are putting a lot of pressure on yourselves. It's wonderful to be a great person and make others feel special, but you're only half of the equation...if it doesn't work out, it doesn't automatically mean YOU messed up (you probably didn't). It simply means you two weren't right for eachother. You should keep trying because some woman will pick up on it and appreciate your thoughtfulness. Simply put, don't put all of your eggs(hopes) in one basket and then decide there is something wrong with you or your approach if it doesn't work out.

NortonSavage:
I hope you're right for his sake.... at least about the girl in question. I'm 40, tho, and sometimes it still seems that while women like and appreciate the nice guy, they still want the bad boys...

We're constantly bombarded with messages to go for the bad boy, but most of us come around. One thing you guys might want to think about is if women always reject you for the bad boys, maybe you're dating the wrong type of women. Is there some kind of pattern in the way these women treat you or others? I think one defining factor is women who are open to a nice guy probably won't just take your advances/actions to make them feel good...they'll likely greatfully accept them and reciprocate in kind because they want to make you feel special too. So before believing women don't want nice guys, look at the women you can make a valid assessment about. You might have to breat out of YOUR patterns and go for a different kind of woman.

 

[LadyJeanne]

We're constantly bombarded with messages to go for the bad boy, but most of us come around. One thing you guys might want to think about is if women always reject you for the bad boys, maybe you're dating the wrong type of women. Is there some kind of pattern in the way these women treat you or others? I think one defining factor is women who are open to a nice guy probably won't just take your advances/actions to make them feel good...they'll likely greatfully accept them and reciprocate in kind because they want to make you feel special too. So before believing women don't want nice guys, look at the women you can make a valid assessment about. You might have to breat out of YOUR patterns and go for a different kind of woman.

Sweet E always gets it right. Honestly, woman, you need to get your own advice column!

I was drawn to bad boys for a long time, mostly because I unconsciously was afraid of the nice guys. A bad boy will never ask a woman to be emotionally intimate with him, to give him everything. A nice guy expects intimacy and that was scary for me when I was younger.

I didn't break this pattern until I took a good look at why I was attracted to the bad boys. But once I did, it became so easy to fall for the good guys. You have to be ready to take an honest look at yourself.

 

[chylo]

Thanks for all the great advice, you guys always seeem to have so much of it. It's great that there are places like this to discuss things.

As far not assuming that I'm not at fault... that's kind of a hard thing to do when you've been faced with a lot of rejection. At least for me. And it's hard to find a pattern with the girls that I have dated in the past. I've learned a few things and warning signs, which I guess is a good thing to have happen at least it's something which will help me in the future. I think if there is a pattern it's that a lot of the girls also felt that they were unsure about themselves. A few of them were a bit strong willed and were sure, but mainly they were not. Still, it seems hard when you try and gain a girls intrest and they aren't intrested. It just seems to me that part of my problem is that it's so rare for me to even get anywhere with a girl, unless it is as friends.

I guess I need more practice at being something that someone might find attractive as other then a friend.

 

[SweetErika]

Sweet E always gets it right. Honestly, woman, you need to get your own advice column!

I was drawn to bad boys for a long time, mostly because I unconsciously was afraid of the nice guys. A bad boy will never ask a woman to be emotionally intimate with him, to give him everything. A nice guy expects intimacy and that was scary for me when I was younger.

I didn't break this pattern until I took a good look at why I was attracted to the bad boys. But once I did, it became so easy to fall for the good guys. You have to be ready to take an honest look at yourself.

You're too nice! I probably should have chosen a different career path, eh?

I can relate to your story. I had to take a good look at myself too when faced with the decision to continue seeing my usual guy (who was surprisingly unavailable, just like my dad) or the one who treated me really well. It was a hell of an internal struggle, but I made the right choice eventually.

One of the things that drew me to the bad boys was how they made me feel. They seemed to compliment me on things I was insecure about, be it body, skills, or image. They seemed interested in me, and they wanted me. Maybe those are just my own psychological quirks, but I don't think so. My point is, if you're a nice guy, you might have luck practicing the good things the bad boys do.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for all the great advice, you guys always seeem to have so much of it. It's great that there are places like this to discuss things.

As far not assuming that I'm not at fault... that's kind of a hard thing to do when you've been faced with a lot of rejection. At least for me. And it's hard to find a pattern with the girls that I have dated in the past. I've learned a few things and warning signs, which I guess is a good thing to have happen at least it's something which will help me in the future. I think if there is a pattern it's that a lot of the girls also felt that they were unsure about themselves. A few of them were a bit strong willed and were sure, but mainly they were not. Still, it seems hard when you try and gain a girls intrest and they aren't intrested. It just seems to me that part of my problem is that it's so rare for me to even get anywhere with a girl, unless it is as friends.

I guess I need more practice at being something that someone might find attractive as other then a friend.

Is it possible many of these girls are emotionally or otherwise unavailable?

FYI: A lot of women go for guys who are their friends because we know how they treat us and that we can (usually) trust them.

 

[chylo]

Maybe the are emotionally unavailable, I don't know. A few of the more recent ones seemed to dump me and then immedialy find someone else that they've spent a long time since with (a year and counting)

So is it that the bad boys do that are good? I guess it wouldn't hurt to practice that if I knew what that was.

 

[SweetErika]

Maybe the are emotionally unavailable, I don't know. A few of the more recent ones seemed to dump me and then immedialy find someone else that they've spent a long time since with (a year and counting)

So is it that the bad boys do that are good? I guess it wouldn't hurt to practice that if I knew what that was.

So you don't know what kind of guys those women have relationships with after you? Or you do know? I'm lost! Of course it may not mean anything, but if they run to someone who doesn't treat them well, it might give you some peace of mind that they were the problem, and not you.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Maybe the are emotionally unavailable, I don't know. A few of the more recent ones seemed to dump me and then immedialy find someone else that they've spent a long time since with (a year and counting)

So is it that the bad boys do that are good? I guess it wouldn't hurt to practice that if I knew what that was.

The bad boys are the ones who are emotionally unavailable. That's what draws emotionally unavailable women to them - we know we won't have to give them everything, they don't want that and we're afraid of it.

I wouldn't suggest practicing that!

 

[chylo]

So you don't know what kind of guys those women have relationships with after you? Or you do know? I'm lost! Of course it may not mean anything, but if they run to someone who doesn't treat them well, it might give you some peace of mind that they were the problem, and not you.

In one case I know the guy the woman dated after dating me. The other cases I just know what they have dated someone after me for close to a year, but since I never met the guy and fallen out of contact with them I do not know why type of guy they have dated. Does that clear things up Erika?

So bad guys are "good" cause they don't expect anything in return. But a guy who does expect something in return is "bad" for an emotionally unavailable woman? This is so confusing. Maybe we should just back up to who's on first.

I've kind of learned not to put all my eggs in one basket anymore and to hold back quite, that women don't respond well to guys falling head of heals immedialty, and if they do respond to a guy falling head of heals then it has the strong possiblity of being because they are easy to take advantage of. Does any of this make sense or sound true?