Making Her Feel Special

[SweetErika]

In one case I know the guy the woman dated after dating me. The other cases I just know what they have dated someone after me for close to a year, but since I never met the guy and fallen out of contact with them I do not know why type of guy they have dated. Does that clear things up Erika?

So bad guys are "good" cause they don't expect anything in return. But a guy who does expect something in return is "bad" for an emotionally unavailable woman? This is so confusing. Maybe we should just back up to who's on first.

I've kind of learned not to put all my eggs in one basket anymore and to hold back quite, that women don't respond well to guys falling head of heals immedialty, and if they do respond to a guy falling head of heals then it has the strong possiblity of being because they are easy to take advantage of. Does any of this make sense or sound true?

Yeah, that clears things up! Bad boys are appealing for several reasons, depending on the woman:
1) Emotionally or physically unavailable, which either mimics the woman's childhood or is appealing because the woman's scared.

2) They know exactly how to make us feel certain things and get us to do what they want, as previously mentioned.

3) They're usually confident, take-charge types, and we like a guy who knows what they want and isn't afraid to go after it

4) They are usually popular with the ladies or give the appearance of being chased after...on some level, we like the competition (and they always make us feel like we're the best, most special girl who won).

5) They differentiate themselves somehow, and give the appearance that they'll give or teach us something we can't get elsewhere, from the cliche motorcycle ride to lessons to sexual practices.

6) This goes along with the emotions, but at first, they make us feel like we're perfect. Over time, they make little suggestions...it'd be really hot if you... and we follow along so we want to keep them interested.

There's more, but it's been several years since I've been involved with one...maybe LadyJ can give a perspective. It sounds like you're doing all of the right things while staying true to yourself though, Chylo. You just need to meet some other women!

 

[hausfrau]

One of the things that drew me to the bad boys was how they made me feel. They seemed to compliment me on things I was insecure about, be it body, skills, or image. They seemed interested in me, and they wanted me. Maybe those are just my own psychological quirks, but I don't think so. My point is, if you're a nice guy, you might have luck practicing the good things the bad boys do.

Damn Erika, you are so right. The man who gets me every single time -- good or bad -- every single time -- is the man that can totally pick up on even the slightest of my insecurities and shore them up.

Also agree that I'm a sucker for men who show me their emotional "soft underbelly" -- their fears and insecurities -- because 1) I like to shore up their egos as well and 2) any person who shows me their vulnerable side clearly trusts me, and that goes a long way toward building a sense of intimacy.

 

[chylo]

Ok, well then how do you make someone feel better about their insicurities? And I assume the must sort of just know and that if he is told what it is it doesn't work. Just seems to me when ever I tried to make someone feel better about their insicurities it doesn't do much, they never believe me or something. So it's more then a verbal thing, right?

 

[moemoe44]

whats more than a verbal thing?

 

[SweetErika]

Ok, well then how do you make someone feel better about their insicurities? And I assume the must sort of just know and that if he is told what it is it doesn't work. Just seems to me when ever I tried to make someone feel better about their insicurities it doesn't do much, they never believe me or something. So it's more then a verbal thing, right?

It's difficult, but for me, it comes back to what we talked about earlier...making spontaneous, genuine comments and compliments. Off-handed things you notice and express like telling her you love the way a specific thing looks or what she does are much better than something general like, "you're beautiful" or "no, you're perfect" usually are more believable. The general comments have a right time and place, of course. If you're just friends, notice when something changes (hairstyle, makeup, clothes, etc.) and the way she does things. Continue that if it develops into a relationship...it's especially vital to notice little not-so-sexual things when you're having sex.

In general, women are insecure about their bodies, being liked, and choices they make. You're pretty safe within any of those categories. You're right...it's more than a verbal thing, it's timing, and actions as well.

 

[chylo]

Sounds like it's the good old notice something about their appearance type thing, and be genuine about it. Well hopefully I'll get a chance one day to find someone worthy enough to try out these new skills on. Thanks again for all the help, and it's nice to know I'm not the only one out here with this problem.

 

[chylo]

New Situation Similar Question

Hey everyone... I have another question along these same lines.

The first girl that I started this thread about and I haven't really been communicating much, so she's just not intrested, and I've accepted that and moved on.

I've met someone new, and things are really going well between us and I was wondering something. Is there such a thing as trying to hard? Can I go overboard in trying to make someone feel special? We have had 3 dates in past three weeks and are planning to see each other this weekend and then again on V-day. I'm not talking about professing love or anything at this stage, just if too many compliments or being "too thoughtful" can ruin a guy's chances? Any comments?

 

[SweetErika]

Hi Chylo! Glad to hear you've found someone new. I think you can go overboard, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Be upbeat and positive overall, but don't slather on the compliments too thick (e.g. "Wow! It sounds like you're great at your job" vs. "You're so gorgeous...I just can't get over how beautiful your eyes are and soft your hair is"). See what I mean? Be thoughtful in remembering what she says or her favorite flower/music/dessert, etc., but maybe just do one thoughtful thing per date...you don't want to seem stalker-ish. You should be able to gauge how you're doing by her reaction though. I'm guessing you're doing just fine if you're only seeing eachother once a week. Good luck!

 

[chylo]

Thanks Erika that's what I thought.

I think I was just a bit nervous cause last weekend we had our third date... we made dinner together since we both like to cook, and then at it with music she'd like in the background, flowers for her, and candles lighting it all. And now I'm trying to get her something nice for V-day, she's an avid reader so I got her some books I'm not sure she wants, but it's the style she reads, and I know she hasn't read them yet. I'm going to cover them with hershey kisses so they'll kind of be a surprise in the box.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who helped me gain some confidence back! It really helped.