my wife lately has shown a decreased interest in sex. we only have it like twice a month now. however, she masturbates nearly 4-5 times a week. when i try to ask her about it (bc it turns me on) she lies and claims she never does. when we actually DO have sex, she is crazy into it and wild. what can i do to get her away from masturbating so much? what is causing this? married women...help!
marriage sex question...
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sunandshadow
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A person who chooses masturbation over sex may do so because they are getting something out of the masturbation that they wouldn't out of the sex. Perhaps while masturbating they are imagining a fetish they don't want to confess to or a different partner or partner of a different gender. Or, perhaps they only want sex at a particular time of day, which is not when it's being offered. Or, people will choose masturbation over sex if they are angry or resentful toward their partner, or unhappy with their partner's changes or failure to change.
Eilan
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As someone who was in your wife's shoes during my previous marriage, I'd suggest that you take a hard look at what's going on in your relationship outside the bedroom. And communicate, remembering that communicating involves both talking and listening.
Every time i try to discuss our sex life she becomes very closed off and defensive, almsot like there is something about masturbating she doesnt want me to know. what confuses me is that when we have sex she really seems to enjoy it and get into it. she loves watching porn when shes alone, and togethers. and always orgasms very strongly when we have sex. i can tell shes not faking bc she usually squirts...
sunandshadow
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Have you and she ever discussed masturbation before this point, or is it a new topic? It's entirely possible she may have been taught as a teen that masturbation is dirty and shameful, and never gotten over that idea. Also, what's your attitude toward masturbation, do you masturbate regularly and have you ever discussed it with her? If you happened to feel masturbation was not something married people ought to do, then it would be pretty obvious why she wouldn't want to discuss it with you. What about your sexual history with her - is there anything one of you likes that the other doesn't, or one wanted to try and the other refused?
IrisAlthea
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Like Eilan said, you might want to take a look att the relationship outside the bedroom. Is she unhappy, angry with you or perhaps tired a lot?
Nasty_Deeds
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Eilan gave you some good advice. If you don't have a good relationship outside of the bedroom, you aren't going to have a good relationship inside the bedroom. You may think you have great marriage, but your wife may think otherwise.
FloggingMolly
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I totally agree
Happened to me. Found out she'd been having an affair and had stopped seeing him because we moved away. Well what do you know, he opens a new office near her work and they resume the affair. I had no idea. I thought he was a good family friend. He'd been having sex with her for years. After I figured it out I was at a loss as to what to do. This isn't the first time she's cheated on me. Been married 30 years, 2 grown kids, the whole works. It's devastating to learn this stuff after being together for 34 years. She thinks we should stay together because it's easier on the bank account. I think I made a big mistake and am totally lost as to how to handle the situation.
just call me "LOSER"
just call me "LOSER"
SweetErika
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Happened to me. Found out she'd been having an affair and had stopped seeing him because we moved away. Well what do you know, he opens a new office near her work and they resume the affair. I had no idea. I thought he was a good family friend. He'd been having sex with her for years. After I figured it out I was at a loss as to what to do. This isn't the first time she's cheated on me. Been married 30 years, 2 grown kids, the whole works. It's devastating to learn this stuff after being together for 34 years. She thinks we should stay together because it's easier on the bank account. I think I made a big mistake and am totally lost as to how to handle the situation.
just call me "LOSER"
Do YOU want to stay married? If so, would you consider opening up the relationship, so she can have her lover(s) and you can have your own?
If not, talk to a good divorce attorney and start preparing for a divorce.
ecclectic
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Happened to me. Found out she'd been having an affair and had stopped seeing him because we moved away. Well what do you know, he opens a new office near her work and they resume the affair. I had no idea. I thought he was a good family friend. He'd been having sex with her for years. After I figured it out I was at a loss as to what to do. This isn't the first time she's cheated on me. Been married 30 years, 2 grown kids, the whole works. It's devastating to learn this stuff after being together for 34 years. She thinks we should stay together because it's easier on the bank account. I think I made a big mistake and am totally lost as to how to handle the situation.
just call me "LOSER"
Easier on the bank account? She cares about money more than she cares about you.
Like Erika said, talk to a lawyer, have a contract drawn up that allows each of you to have extramarital affairs and protects you from her filing for divorce due to your infidelity (get EVIDENCE of hers first.)
tekgirl
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i can identify with this situation. i have always masturbated privately throughout my marriage. having a family makes privacy an issue and the act itself isn't something i want to share with my hubby. for me it's like my alone time, of which there is bloody little, so i like using the time to fantasize about being desired and wanted. it makes me feel good. since the baby, i'm afraid i'm not viewed as desirable anymore. a guess it's normal for alot of men, but it makes me feel bad. i try hard to look good and sexy which isn't always easy when you are looking after a little one all day. and then there's the little comments about me and my body. it hurts, so i make myself feel good.
ecclectic
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Wait.... If you just had a baby and he's making snipey little comments about your body or in any way making you feel undesirable, kick him in the junk.
Seriously, that's no way for a man to behave, if I'm reading you correctly.
BDA73
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wow this is beyond terrible....at this point in your life your man should be comforting you and making you feel like you are the most important person in his life...reassuring you that he loves you..not the opposite...sorry to hear this
xhardchick
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I'm nowhere near into the term married woman but I can definately see that she's probably tired. She wants something new! Compliment her, surprise her, you know women love this stuff Masturbation is not that bad but does it show that you don't treat her well 'down there'? Think about it a bit. Spend a night where you'll give her the best head she'd ever recieved and I doubt if she'll want to do it by herself next time.
Masturbation is not that bad but does it show that you don't treat her well 'down there'? Think about it a bit. Spend a night where you'll give her the best head she'd ever recieved and I doubt if she'll want to do it by herself next time.
SydneyBlake
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Several posts here that deserve replies, but I'll stick to the original question.
I don't think there is a simple answer to your question, but the proverbial nail was struck square on the head when it was said that you need to examine what's going on outside the bedroom. The problem could be any number of things. An affair. Lack of confidence. Body image issues. I know that for me, even after nearly 20 years of marriage, I still have trust issues. I'm often worried that he'll judge me harshly for being turned on by something kinky. I've found that letting him be my first proofreader, and having his approval for my writing, makes me feel good. But I first had to trust him and let him read it. That was hard.
Also, sometimes I just want to quickly get off. But we still have frequent sex.
I don't think there is a simple answer to your question, but the proverbial nail was struck square on the head when it was said that you need to examine what's going on outside the bedroom. The problem could be any number of things. An affair. Lack of confidence. Body image issues. I know that for me, even after nearly 20 years of marriage, I still have trust issues. I'm often worried that he'll judge me harshly for being turned on by something kinky. I've found that letting him be my first proofreader, and having his approval for my writing, makes me feel good. But I first had to trust him and let him read it. That was hard.
Also, sometimes I just want to quickly get off. But we still have frequent sex.
subwannabe
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Excellent advice. To repeat:
1. check out your life outside the bedroom
2. she may very well be masturbating to fantasies to fulfill a sexual need she doesn't get with you
1. check out your life outside the bedroom
2. she may very well be masturbating to fantasies to fulfill a sexual need she doesn't get with you
pplwatching
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Masturbation can be a healthy part of a relationship, but it can also be a crutch to avoid other issues. Masturbation allows us to focus on fantasies that we find erotic without distractions, to find sexual pleasure on our own terms, but also to avoid issues in the marriage. It is a problem if it's interfering in your marriage and a sign that she's not feeling connected to you.
For some people masturbation is an extremely private thing, which needs to be respected. Respecting her right to enjoy the occasional 'me' moment doesn't mean you have to set aside your own need for intimacy and a healthy sexual relationship with her that both of you find satisfying.
IMHO you need to find a way to get past her knee-jerk defensive responses, so you can get a better understanding of what's going on. That may involve trying to figure out a better way to approach her. In your shoes I might first take the time to consider what you get out of your sexual relationship with her. What do you miss the most between sexual opportunities with her? Orgasm? The satisfaction of pleasing her? Reinforcement of your love relationship? Conversely, does her masturbation bother you aside from the time it takes away from your sexual relationship with her? Do you find it selfish? Something you'd like to participate in? Once you can put into words what you miss, and how you feel, you can express your needs to her in a way that doesn't just put it in her lap asking "What's going on here?"
The trick when talking about sex, in my experience, is letting her know that this is about keeping the marriage healthy and vibrant. In your shoes I might consistently send my wife the message that her masturbating is extremely erotic, so she knows that I'm not threatened by it, but that I'm concerned that it's a sign of a deeper problem. I would express that, for me, there needs to be a better balance between the times that we come together for sex as a couple and the times when she can just focus on her own pleasure. I'd ask if there's something that I'm doing (or not doing) that is shifting the balance towards more masturbation and less sex with me.
I think that the key to moving past this is introspection and persistently trying to get a dialogue going so you can get your marriage back in balance.
Good luck
For some people masturbation is an extremely private thing, which needs to be respected. Respecting her right to enjoy the occasional 'me' moment doesn't mean you have to set aside your own need for intimacy and a healthy sexual relationship with her that both of you find satisfying.
IMHO you need to find a way to get past her knee-jerk defensive responses, so you can get a better understanding of what's going on. That may involve trying to figure out a better way to approach her. In your shoes I might first take the time to consider what you get out of your sexual relationship with her. What do you miss the most between sexual opportunities with her? Orgasm? The satisfaction of pleasing her? Reinforcement of your love relationship? Conversely, does her masturbation bother you aside from the time it takes away from your sexual relationship with her? Do you find it selfish? Something you'd like to participate in? Once you can put into words what you miss, and how you feel, you can express your needs to her in a way that doesn't just put it in her lap asking "What's going on here?"
The trick when talking about sex, in my experience, is letting her know that this is about keeping the marriage healthy and vibrant. In your shoes I might consistently send my wife the message that her masturbating is extremely erotic, so she knows that I'm not threatened by it, but that I'm concerned that it's a sign of a deeper problem. I would express that, for me, there needs to be a better balance between the times that we come together for sex as a couple and the times when she can just focus on her own pleasure. I'd ask if there's something that I'm doing (or not doing) that is shifting the balance towards more masturbation and less sex with me.
I think that the key to moving past this is introspection and persistently trying to get a dialogue going so you can get your marriage back in balance.
Good luck
Mephistophelily
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I haven't had sex in 3 months.
I masturbate, however.
I have zilch interest in sex with him. Our relationship is horrible lately due to emotional abuse a year ago. He's over it. I'm not. He thinks I should move on. I can't. It may seem a series of "little things" to him, but they burn forever to me. To be honest, I've debated heavily on leaving him. (And some here say I'm stupid for not having done.)
Look at your relationship. Has something happened between you? Even something that seems small to you? It may be bigger than you think.
I masturbate, however.
I have zilch interest in sex with him. Our relationship is horrible lately due to emotional abuse a year ago. He's over it. I'm not. He thinks I should move on. I can't. It may seem a series of "little things" to him, but they burn forever to me. To be honest, I've debated heavily on leaving him. (And some here say I'm stupid for not having done.)
Look at your relationship. Has something happened between you? Even something that seems small to you? It may be bigger than you think.
