Married, but needing to play

[KingDingaling]

bump

 

[ReadyOne]

I was watching the neighbor do yard work this afternoon. She always gives me the widest, brightest, longest smile whenever we see each other. Her personality, body shape, grace in moving, and the few quick conversations we've had are more than enough to cause me sensory overload. We're both home during the morning while my SO is at work. You don't know how tempting it is to go for it with her, and how hard it's been to limit contact to those few conversations we've had.

But if I give in, bad things will eventually happen. Sooner or later it will catch up with me, and I know what my SO will feel and say about it. I just got to keep focused on the long term and all the good things SO and I are to each other.

Still, she's in my dreams and fantasies and this summer may be a rough one for controlling my libido!

 

[emer]

Since being in a 3 year affair with a married man - I want to know what's up with all you married people?

#1. why do you stay married when you're obviously unhappy?

pressure from society ... indecision ... FEAR ... apathy ... raising children ... money

#2. None of you married people ever have sex with your spouse anymore?

well, I do. Once a week or so, when we can get time alone without jobs or kids interferring ... kinda like when we were still living together!

#3. What's the point of being married if you don't stay true to eachother?

This is the major, big time, kick in the ass question I keep asking. I know I am not the monogamous sort. I still want the relationship with hubby (see #1) but also am enjoying the freedom to choose to pursue relationships with others, be it for just tonight or maybe someone who might last forever. I am getting closer to being totally honest with hubby about this. Just a few nights ago he mentioned stopping by one night on his way home from work. I told him that would be fine as long as he didn't make any unannounced visits. A long 30 seconds later he asked why. I said I may be busy or have company. He said "I don't want to hear that shit" ... I said "Too bad".

Major breakthru for Honesty! I'm don't want to hurt him. I'm scared that being brutally honest may cause him to get freaked out and relapse. But I don't want to continue or renew our relationship without him knowing how I am now.

emer

 

[Katarinna]

think it through very carefully....

ma long, i know how exciting other things can seem on the surface but think very carefully before you turn something that probably is a phase into something permanent. my hub of 23 years traveled for his job and met a woman in an airport. he told me, in his words, she was 'different'. what he didn't tell me was that she was a recent widow of 9 months and lonely and willing to do anything to keep from being lonely anymore. so, of course she made life exciting for an old married guy like him. when he told me he was leaving me for her it hit me completely out of the blue. just a few weeks before he and i had been somewhere together and i heard him telling someone that he and i were best friends and he couldn't imagine life without me. our divorce will be final in two weeks. i don't know if he is happy or not. sometimes he appears to not be. our son (who is 21) wouldn't pee on his dad if he were on fire. and i am broken. i have lost my husband, my friend, my lover, my protector. my grief sometimes becomes so unbearable that i can't breathe. i have to consciously make a decision every morning when i wake up to keep going. so, think about it very carefully. how much do you love your spouse and are you willing to throw away what you have?

 

[ericred50]

Thats good sound advice Katarinna, and I am sorry to here of your circumstanses.

All I can tell you is that time heals, and things will get better.

I am married, and I have an a releationship with another woman, but we had to end it. She became very concerned about her marriage vows, and the efffect on her daughter. We became very close, I was ready to leave my spouse, but my lover could not take the final step.

We remain good freinds, we exchange emails, and phone calls, just to let each other know we are alright. It did hurt at first, but as each day goes by it gets better, its better when we dont commiunicate. When we talk, it grows back again, an ache in my heart.

 

[Katarinna]

thank you, eric

i needed to hear that this morning - the encouragement that it does get better in time.

and i also think you are right about not communicating. whenever the hub and i have had to talk about something (alimony, court date, etc.) it was nice to talk to him, know that he is okay, etc. but it's like tearing a scab off of a wound. the hurt starts over again - as you said, the ache in my heart.

 

[Lady Tango]

Re: Re: Married, but needing to play

What exactly aren't you getting at home that you think you would find by 'playing' with someone else? Are you not getting enough sex? Enough variety? Or are you just tired of seeing the same face in bed? Whatever the reason, have you tried to talk to you spouse about it?

I'm a woman in my mid-thirites. I can tell you that both my sex drive and my imagination have gone through the roof the past couple of years. It seems like I'm horny all the time. Fortunately my husband has been able to keep up with me for the most part, and when he isn't here to satisfy me masturbating while fantasizing or reading some of the great stories here at lit gets me by.

Could I find someone to 'play' with? Probably, but I have too much love and respect for my husband to consider stepping out on him, and if the urge ever got that bad for me to consider it, I would rather have a talk with him to find an alternative we both could live with first.

BirdsWife

I totally agree - 100%

 

[ma long]

Just make sure you know what your reasons are for looking else where.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

How do you know?

 

[ericred50]

You are welcome Katarinna

Its early days with my lose, only 4 weeks, but I have to be strong for both our sakes, I never forced our relationship. I always told her that if she ever wanted me to go, I would but I never realised how much I loved her.

When we met it was just my chance, she was unhappy, I was depressed. We had some great times together, its funny how things go round in circles. We are both back at the begining.

 

[Bandit58]

ericred50.....it's been 2 days for me, since my married lover ended our relationship. We were truly in love, still are in fact, but he has issues that he has to work through and he told me yesterday that he isn't able to commit to anything in the near future and we should stay as friends. He lives 5 hours away and in the almost 12 months we've known each other we've been together a grand total of 21 days, no nights Ah but those days were so wonderful and I will miss being with him so very much, I grieve for what we had and for what we dreamed we'd have in the future.

I knew he was married right from the start, I'd just gotten out of a bad marriage and all I wanted was some fun, no strings. We didn't plan on falling in love but we did, just from talking online and the phone. We met irl 2 months later, it was everything I'd ever dreamed of, he taught me so much about my body and making love and how to pleasure a man......things I will be able to do now without shame or guilt or fear. I know I'll always love him, I felt some guilt in the beginning because he belonged to another woman, but he told me that if any trouble happened it would be his problem not mine.....the only thing I know is her name, I never saw her and didn't want to, I wanted him and I know he wanted me, but circumstances have prevailed and we are no longer lovers. I last saw him 3 months ago and I had no idea that would be the last time we would make love. I treasure every memory of him.......his touch, his smell, the way he kissed me, the look of love in his eyes......

I still have our entire relationship on this computer. I can't bear to look at any of it......but I will keep it anyway, because he was and still is so precious to me......

 

[ericred50]

Bandit58

I know just how you feel Bandit 58, I have memories, and I taught her so much, she had only ever known one man before me, her husband.

Can I offer you a hug ((((((((((((((((Bandit58))))))))))))))) ?

Love does hurt, but it also heals with time

 

[Bandit58]

Re: Bandit58

I know just how you feel Bandit 58, I have memories, and I taught her so much, she had only ever known one man before me, her husband.

Can I offer you a hug ((((((((((((((((Bandit58))))))))))))))) ?

Love does hurt, but it also heals with time

{{{{{{{{{{ericred50}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you......everythings still so raw, I can't believe it's over, we had such dreams and I feel so empty inside. I have cried so many tears my eyes hurt. He too was my second partner. I have since had a third, just recently, because he said to go out and live and have fun because he couldn't be with me much as he wanted to......

One other thing he did for me was to help me accept my bisexuality, which I had always kept locked away inside. I was ashamed and afraid of it but he taught me that it was ok, he accepted me and loved me, we were going to make it happen for me together but I wasn't ready to go that far at the time. Now I have the confidence to do it on my own when I feel ready. He gave me so much, I just feel so sad that he couldn't let me help him. I know he has to concentrate on himself now, and I love him enough to let him go.......who knows, the door hasn't been completely closed, but because he doesn't know how long he needs we have decided to give each other our freedom........And no one can take our memories away........

 

[Guest]

are you paying attention

 

[Ember Faye]

Communication, communication, communication is KEY, KEY, KEY!!!

Never stop talking to your spouse. Never stop telling them your needs, desires, wants.

I tell my husband everything. I do nothing behind his back. He knew what kind of person I was from the beginning. He knew I liked to try different things.

We've only been together a total of about 4 years...and we've already discussed possibly swinging or having lovers later in life.

I want to share him with others, and I want him to share me with others...I want us to have variety so that it will never get boring for us.

I married him, I love him, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him...but, that doesn't mean I don't think we shouldn't have the occassional fun to spice our love life up some.

But then, I'm not the typical person. I'm not religious..and I don't think that marriage automatically means monogamy.

However....I would NEVER do anything behind his back. I would always talk to him first and find out how he felt about something. I would never do anything that would hurt him and I know he would be the exact same way with me.

Which takes me back to the first thing I said. Communication is KEY. Talk to your mate...let them know how you feel...try and work it out first..try new things. Suggest possibly if the two of you could take on lovers or have a fling with others.

If you can't work your problems out, then the best solution is to end the relationship. My mother spent 21 years of her life unhappy just because of us kids...because she thought it was the right thing to do. She put her feelings and emotions to the side. It took her boss dying at 40 years old to realize that life is short..and you have to LIVE!! She is now happily married to someone else that gives her more attention than my father ever did (I love my dad...but, he was an asshole to her)

*These are the views of Ember Faye and are not the views or oppionions of Lit or anyone involved with Lit*

 

[illinois_guy2]

Interesting thread,

I am married to a woman who is almost never interested in sex anymore. (less than once a month for me). If I were to answer the poll this minute about whether I have cheated, the answer would be no. However, that is more due to lack of opportunity than lack of desire. After several years of sex less than once a month, I am definitely willing to persue something on the side. I know that this is not a very noble answer, but I guess that I fall short of being perfect. It's not even that I feel like rejecting my wife, it's more that I am tired of being rejected by her. I would love to have a more intimate relationship with her (and yes, I have talked with her about this; admittedly sometimes in anger, but other times more lovingly, and yes, counseling has also been discussed but she is not interested) but she just never seems interested.

So the answer this very minute is no, I have not cheated. But I am now willing (and even hoping) to change that answer soon.

 

[SinfulyCurious]

I sort of understand what you are talking about IL. My wife just doesn't seem that interested in sex. My history before we were married is much different than hers. She was a wild-child that had experienced quite a bit before I met her, including a 3-some, etc. I, on the other hand, didn't have sex until I slept with her (after I "knew" that I would marry her some day). As a result, its always sort of been in the back of my mind as to what I've missed...but that's not really the issue...just a digression. The real issue is that she doesn't like to "play". She'll have sex with me, but it's often late at night and she almost always says "I'm tired, so you'd better make your move now"...quickly followed in about 2 minutes of foreplay by..."can we just have sex now."

I try to open conversations about it, but she often gets defensive about it. It seems like she's always tired, hungry, or "doesn't want to get messy". We've tried to talk about it here an there, but it usually ends in "I'll try." I've asked her if it's my performance or what I can do to get her more excited about sex and I get "I dunno". Its frustrating...

That being said absolutely everything else about our marriage is great! It's just that one part of our union that seems to be suffering. I guess we just need to talk about it, but there never seems to be a good time to do so. I've been able to understand recently, as she's been pregnant for the last couple of months...but it was bad before than.

I don't think I'll ever cheat, but it doesn't keep me from wanting to have a fling. I spend way too much time on sites like voyerweb and here trying to fill that part of my life. It's what I have to do becuase cheating isn't really an option. I love her too much and wouldn't do anything to risk the marriage. Now with a child on the way, that's even more that I wouldn't want to risk.

Either way...thanks for "listening". Any suggestions on how to break out of this funk?!?!?

 

[lovechild27]

As a single, young female...I find this all very disturbing.

ARENT ANY OF YOU HAPPY AND MARRIED?

I know everything isnt peaches and cream in real life...but jeeze...you married your spouse for a REASON...you vowed to be through it for thick and thin. Because your not getting laid as often as you like, or someone with a tighter ass comes along, it seems you look for flaws to run away.

Does commitment mean nothing to anyone?

You DONT have to get married...it is a concious choice. SO WHY EVEN BOTHER if it means you will be with only ONE person for the rest of your life? It isnt like the whole monogamy thing is a surprise you dont find out about until later.


If an open relationship is what you have...then good for you for being honest with each other and having that much love and respect for one another! But all this infidelity...its gross. Sex isnt gross...the lying, the hurting...that is gross. It just isnt right to toy with anyone like that...especially someone your married to.

Maybe Im naieve and stupid....but I am just.... confused and disappointed.

 

[illinois_guy2]

lovechild27,

I understand exactly how you feel, I used to feel the same way myself. I understand that the vow was for better or for worse, and I am not trying to say that breaking this vow is the right thing to do. Believe me, if I saw the same question 10 years ago, my response would have been very different. After years of feeling like I am being taken for granted (the lack of sex is one symptom of this, but not the only one), my feelings have unfortunately changed. I'm not saying that the way I feel now is very noble, but I can't help the way I feel.

I hope that if you get married, things work wonderfully for you. For many people it does. But if you go years without having your spouse make you feel like you are special (again, it's not just a scarcity of sex), it is possible that your idealism can fade. That is what happened to me. I would love to regain the idealism I had years ago. Unfortunately, after years of trying, I don't have a lot of optimism about it.

 

[Icey*Fire]

lovechild27,

I understand exactly how you feel, I used to feel the same way myself. I understand that the vow was for better or for worse, and I am not trying to say that breaking this vow is the right thing to do. Believe me, if I saw the same question 10 years ago, my response would have been very different. After years of feeling like I am being taken for granted (the lack of sex is one symptom of this, but not the only one), my feelings have unfortunately changed. I'm not saying that the way I feel now is very noble, but I can't help the way I feel.

I hope that if you get married, things work wonderfully for you. For many people it does. But if you go years without having your spouse make you feel like you are special (again, it's not just a scarcity of sex), it is possible that your idealism can fade. That is what happened to me. I would love to regain the idealism I had years ago. Unfortunately, after years of trying, I don't have a lot of optimism about it.

I wish I could lie and say that I have never cheated.. but unforunatly I cant tell that kind of lie. I have been in a marriage where my husband completely ignores me, and has for many years. He says that if he has anything to say to me then he will say it and there is no need for anything else. We have only ever had sex on his terms, that is , only when he wants it. I have had an affiar, and I am not proud of that fact. And it was more for the attention that I recieved than the sex. I needed to feel as though I was worth something to someone. Even if it was only for a few hours of his time. For those few hours I felt like a woman and I also felt beautiful, which is something that my husband tells me I am not. Can you guess what that has done to my ego all these years????At this very moment I really dont know what I would do in the future ,, it would depend on the man I met.

 

[lovechild27]

I do in fact know what happens to you when the man you love and live with tells you he finds you unattractive...its awful and Im sorry you had to deal with that while you were married...No person ever deserves that and its awful to think someone who devoted themselves to you would do that.

I know it takes two people to make a marriage work, and if one just isnt working...then it wont ever go. Its so depressing though.

 

[engelbert]

I'm new and I when read this post, I tell you I couldn't agree with you more. Separation is a bit of a lonely time, but yes, masturbation helps. Talking does too.

Nope never have cheated...Probably never will...Even though we are legally seperated and I've had a chance to cheat on him I never have...I masterbate alot just to help with being lonely...

 

[engelbert]

Re: Re: think carefully

Well, let me just slit my wrists at that statistic. Personally, if I found out that my wife was cheating on me I'd up an leave her right away. I'm just not the kind of guy who can deal with that. Maybe I'm weak. But frankly, I expect more out of someone.

FYI - some stats for you all... 60% of all married men will have some kind of extra-marrital affair. 40% of all married women. Considering that married spouses aren't necessarily cheating with other married spouses (ie, just each other) then a conservative estimate is roughly 80% of all marriages are affected....

 

[lovechild27]

But frankly, I expect more out of someone.

I feel the same way.
Although slitting my wrists prob wouldnt happen.
Id rip his nuts off for being a child though and not having the figurative balls to speak to me about it.

Its my hunch that most of the people get married without a clue...they dont think abotu things in the long term.

 

[Bandit58]

I stayed in my marriage for almost 24 years. We got married young, I was 19 he was 22. We were each other's first sexual partners. We had 2 children, we had a farm, and those were the only things that held us together in the end. We had completely different interests, he worked all the hours god sent and I felt ignored and taken for granted. He'd expect to come home and go to bed and have sex without ever having seen me all day, never cuddled me or told me I was beautiful......he only seemed to see the things that weren't done rather than anything I had accomplished. It got so that I dreaded him coming home

My self esteem was way down.....I hated sex. I thought there was something wrong with me. I think I was in a fog of depression and didn't know it. In the end it was just one more putdown that broke the camel's back. It's been the best thing I've ever done.

I don't regret having the affair with K. He showed me that I was beautiful, sexy and sensual and gave me the confidence that I needed. I have a f/b now who can't get over how good I am in bed. Me, who was so shy and inhibited less than a year ago. I still have a lot to learn, but now I am not afraid. I thank him so much for the gift he gave me. If these last few months was all the time I was allowed to have with him, then it was worth everything we went through.

People stay in unhappy marriages for lots of reasons. Mine was fear, of being alone. I am alone now and I don't know if I'll ever want to live with someone again. My children are happy that I am happy. They are teenagers now, my oldest turns 20 very soon. I'm not too old to get out there and enjoy life, and I fully intend to do so.

 

[Icey*Fire]

I stayed in my marriage for almost 24 years. We got married young, I was 19 he was 22. We were each other's first sexual partners. We had 2 children, we had a farm, and those were the only things that held us together in the end. We had completely different interests, he worked all the hours god sent and I felt ignored and taken for granted. He'd expect to come home and go to bed and have sex without ever having seen me all day, never cuddled me or told me I was beautiful......he only seemed to see the things that weren't done rather than anything I had accomplished. It got so that I dreaded him coming home

My self esteem was way down.....I hated sex. I thought there was something wrong with me. I think I was in a fog of depression and didn't know it. In the end it was just one more putdown that broke the camel's back. It's been the best thing I've ever done.

I don't regret having the affair with K. He showed me that I was beautiful, sexy and sensual and gave me the confidence that I needed. I have a f/b now who can't get over how good I am in bed. Me, who was so shy and inhibited less than a year ago. I still have a lot to learn, but now I am not afraid. I thank him so much for the gift he gave me. If these last few months was all the time I was allowed to have with him, then it was worth everything we went through.

People stay in unhappy marriages for lots of reasons. Mine was fear, of being alone. I am alone now and I don't know if I'll ever want to live with someone again. My children are happy that I am happy. They are teenagers now, my oldest turns 20 very soon. I'm not too old to get out there and enjoy life, and I fully intend to do so.

Thank you for your post Bandit, We seemed to have lived mirrored lives. I totally understand for I have been in the same place where you were, the only thing for me is that I still don't have the nerve to live on my own.I think of it everyday and maybe soon I will find happiness just for me.