Mental illness and dating

[WaitWhatt]

I've had a few experiences with "bi-polar" people along with who knows what other personality disorders on top of it.

Just.. never again. The ups and downs don't just effect the bi-polar person. They bring everyone else down with them.

 

[vixtoria57]

im bipolar two and my husband is my rock...we've been married for 18 years, and i was only diagnosed within the last few years...you can have a mental illness and still bring a lot to the table relationship wise

however, you have to make sure you are doing what you can to make yourself as well as possible...that is your responsibility...which means counseling, peer groups, meditation, meds, whatever it takes for you to be healthy (and it not easy getting there but it is your journey to take)

many people don't get that meds are very often not an instant solution, and the side effects can be horrific....as well depending on the severeness of the illness, many can't see the need for meds...it's very easy to say: take your medication...but it's not like taking Tylenol, people

i've heard great things about orthnomolecular therapy...can't afford a doctor who specializes in this though

one thing i have to say is that the arts community is much more open and understanding in this regard, so once you are well I would strongly suggest you start going to art openings

 

[talllover]

Hi everybody,

I haven't been on this forum in a while, and I posted something about a year ago on chronically ill partners. I have a more pointed question on dating in particular. Well, somewhat pointed.

I don't know how to deal with dating. It works when I'm in a more normative state (I'm bipolar), but in hypomanic or depressive states... I mean it can get bad at any time.

In an LTR this is an annoyance but doable... but when you're just starting a relationship it's... well... hard. I firmly believe that not wanting to date me after seeing me in a particularly bad state is totally reasonable, and would not say anything foul of those people who would choose that.

But that leaves me in a quandary. Dating me can end up being a very difficult endeavor. I do not mean to overblow my condition, but it can get to people and it is very hard to understand.

I realize there are people in worse situations than myself and date. This realization isn't terribly helpful as it has nothing to do with me. "In theory" looks good but "In practice" is what I have to live with.

I'm just not sure how to go about forming a relationship. It's not like I haven't tried, I've used online services to try and meet people, and have, but nothing sticks.

opera

hi dude i myself am bipolor it was pritty hard for me to get a date let alone a girlfrend when i was growing when i got to high school a new girl moved in to town she was also bipolor the asshole in school made fun of her me and her were shund as outcasts we ended up talking alot and fighting all the time we fought and fussed alot one day in her anger she told me she loved me. we have been togather ever scence. man i hope you find sombody belive me there are some people out there worth the wait

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Do you take your med(s) as prescribed and follow your health care provider's advice? Are you under the care of a good psychiatrist and doing talk therapy?

For me, that would be the main thing. I don't deal well when people don't do what they can to be healthy and happy.

My husband dated a young woman in college who was bipolar, and it drove him nuts that she wouldn't take her meds regularly or do the other things she was supposed to because "normalizing" her moods interfered with her creativity and artistic expression, according to her. Honestly, someone on that course wouldn't be relationship material for me, either.

Anyway, I don't really know what to tell you other than to be sure to make yourself the best candidate for a relationship you can be by finding/sticking to a plan that evens your moods out as much as possible. Dating and relationships might also be something you could address in therapy and/or support groups - perhaps you could learn some new skills, ways of explaining your illness, etc., in those venues.

I'd echo this sentiment.

I spent a number of years with a disabled man with deep depression and addiction issues. In of themselves, those things were manageable up to a point, it was the trying to help someone who wasn't interested in helping themselves that wore me down.

Going forward, I wouldn't have an issue dating someone with a physical or mental health issue again. I'd take it as part of them, and if I cared for them, I'd do what I could to support them.

But that's what it would be; support. I'm not going to do all the work again.

 

[vixtoria57]

yeah, Lizzie_borden, that is exactly why i am as pro-active as i am

i grew up with a mom who is bipolar one and who also has had numerous psychotic breaks with reality

this was really hard growing up for me, so I vowed to myself when I was just a little kid that i would do whatever it took to make myself well and spare my family the anguish if i was ever diagnosed

that being said: my mental illness is on the low end of the spectrum; i'm obviously reasonable enough to make that sound decision...many people afflicted are much more worse than me and are unable to

 

[MrsMellowCake]

I'm going to put myself out here and hold my hand up to having a psychological illness too, and having had such for almost 8 years now. And it's very, very hard to function at times, normal every day tasks can be so difficult, but dating...jeez. I always think to myself, well, if I don't understand the illness myself, then how on Earth can I expect someone else to?

The only advice that I could give, is really, just stick with it. At some point someone will come along, someone caring, compassionate, beautiful, all the things you deserve, and your illness will be nothing to them but a part of the whole wonderful package that makes you...well, you. And it may take time, but really...the more you worry about it, the harder it'll become to find them. Keep dating. You'll get there.

 

[livin1971]

I'm not dating but married I'm the one with the mental disease. To be honest I don't know how she deals with me and it ( I named it "It") I can be unbearable at times. Meds work then quit working, I have shitty side effects I spend tons of time at doctors offices, the list goes on and on. She is a saint as far as I am concerned. I was always honest and upfront with my issues and she stayed. Got to love her.

 

[operaBaritone]

Update: Still Single, But OK With That

Hi all,

First I appreciate everyone's answers, it's nice to hear from people encouraging or offering constructive criticism!
s h
I am still single, and I have been now for 5 or 6 years now.

But I now find myself openly declaring that I have bipolar. I write blog posts and will soon be starting a podcast on mood disorders and mental illness.

Old posts are somewhere around here

thoughtsunthinkable.wordpress.com

The new site is here

ihaveamentalillness.com

I have accepted myself for who I am and what I deal with. I find myself in a better position than most to talk about mental illness because I don't have any threat of serious repercussions against me. And I'm relatively stable... not everyone with bipolar is able to do that, so I feel an obligation to write for the community.

Thanks again,
opera

 

[culloden]

Good for you. Honesty matters. Bipolar disorder can be hard to deal with, but it's impossible to deal with if you don't admit you have it. The right person will come along.

 

[warrior queen]

I spent 9 years with my bipolar ll partner (13 altogether), and we had 2 kids together before his illness manifested itself.
I'm really sorry to say this, but my experience was so damaging to myself and our kids, that I ended up questioning my own sanity and really had no choice but to walk away.
Mental illness is a hell of a drain on everyone around the ill person... it is completely unfair, I know.
My personal experience is not typical. I have friends who have stayed with their ill partners and struggle, but they stay.
Sadly, I was not lucky enough to have a partner that was prepared to do whatever it took to keep the family unit together.
Hopefully, you find someone a lot stronger than I, or you manage your illness better than my ex.
I wish you all the very best

 

[mythtrav16]

I don't often say this, but in this case I find the honesty around here quite admirable and in that spirit, I'm going to admit that I, too, have mental troubles. I think I am really depressed, but I'm also becoming quite standoffish, too. I hesitate to call myself shy, because I don't feel "shy" - it's more along the lines of resentment.

I've gone through a rough patch the past 8 years or so. It's a long story, but suffice to say that the worst of it was that I wasn't there for a girl I absolutely worshipped when she needed me and I ended up losing her. That was hard and I spent I don't know how many years grieving over that breakup. To make things worse, I got involved, briefly, with other women when I just wasn't ready to love again and I just wound up hurting more good people. My healing has taken a few heavy hits, due to some crap from the ass-end of humanity that hit me with some really bad timing.

I'm not the man I want to be by a long shot. I'm over suspicious, very slow to trust, I feel like a downer to be around and frankly, I'm pretty boring. I have these real heavy bouts of anger, too, though I never, ever get violent. Hell, I don't even raise my voice. But I know it doesn't make for a good person or spouse.

Yet all the same, I'm confident that I have finally finished mourning my old relationship and I'm ready to start a new devoted, loving and hopefully, very very long-lasting relationship with a woman who delights and inspires me. I know I have the will to commit to it and do everything I can to make it work, and I've taken the hard lessons of the past to heart so I won't let her down the way I let my ex down.

But the trouble is that it's just so damn hard to meet people, let alone someone you click with, when you're struggling with issues.

 

[RobertBarre]

There are some great posts in this thread. I assume the best advice will be from the people who have lived through similar experiences from one side or the other. My own thinking on this topic is a bit confused. I'm not sure what I think. On one hand, I have an instinct to agree with the posters above who advise you to be upfront and transparent about your diagnosis from the very beginning. On the other hand, that's not how most of us date. Most of us lead with a phony kind of greatest-hits version of ourselves and then slowly introduce our less attractive qualities later after the bonds of the relationship are stronger. More women have been damaged by men who were violent, selfish, unfaithful, hateful, indifferent, indolent or substance abusers than have been damaged by men who were bi-polar, and yet we don't seriously expect these familiar kinds of men to disclose (or even have the self-awareness necessary to disclose) these garden variety relationship-wrecking qualities on the first or second date.

In truth, most of us are abnormal across one or two dimensions of our personality. I've been making other people suffer for and deal with my problems my entire life. As have we all.

Still, there are degrees of abnormality and it does sound like your diagnosis makes it highly likely, if not a certainty, that you and any potential girlfriends would need to deal with some specific challenges that are more severe than the usual fare. So, I do think being up front about this is the right way to go. That sucks for you because dating is hard enough as it is and a policy of open disclosure will make it much, much harder in the short run.

I wonder if you might have more luck with a specialized dating site like one of these:

http://www.nolongerlonely.com
http://www.trueacceptance.com

If that's not your cup of tea, then I think I might skip on-line dating and work hard to find a good mixed-gender social group in real life: church, voice choir, community service, ultimate frisbee, etc. The deeper interactions and longer time-scales of real life would offer women a chance to experience a fuller version of you and draw their own conclusions.

I feel like I'm coming up short here. I guess mostly I just want to offer you encouragement. Good luck.

 

[tenchikoi]

Everyone deserves love and happiness, no matter their disability or lack of. What's important here is that when you meet a new girl for dating, it's vital that you give her full disclosure of your condition. This way, you're not 'forcing' your condition on her. But giving her the choice if she wants to be involved with you or not. Explain it all to her, every unsavory aspect of it. This way, if she stays, it will be because she knows what she's getting into. Also be sure to take your meds responsibly.

 

[NightL]

But I now find myself openly declaring that I have bipolar.

That is so totally the best step to make. Just being honest. Recognising that you have a responsibility to inform those around you will actually allow for support or if that is unwanted, at least understanding.

While those who suffer mental illness will no doubt feel cheated at times or be made to feel cheated, it is highly confusing for those who are close. Your responsibility is to appreciate that your condition can be very confrontational to those who choose to be near you. If you accept your journeys and recognise the onset of changes, you can forewarn those who are close that it is that time again, high or low. If you recognise the onset of these changes then you may be able to express what you expect from those who are close to you. Patterns emerge, and I am sure with your statement of "openly declaring" you are starting to understand your patterns. This means you are able to forewarn those who are close. The other side of this is that in understanding the patterns you will realise that the journeys have their own path, but most importantly their own time frame. OK... this part is SO important for many who may be reading this so far, and you are only reading this far into the thread because you have some sort of personal involvement. The sweeps and journeys will start to form a pattern. Which means they always come to an end. Accepting the time-frames provides great relief to the suffers and the supporters. People new into the scenario of this type of mental illness (both sides) can be highly frightened by the onset of these sweeps. The journey into the unknown. As time goes by the sufferer and those who are close will recognise the patterns. Once this is understood tremendous relief can be felt for all. The sufferer realises... "shit it is happening again... OK, it may be rough, but I know in 2 weeks, two months, I will come out the other side. I always have so I will again." They can enter the journey without the fear that was there before the understanding of the patterns. The recognition of these patterns also takes away the unknown factor for the careers and loved ones. There will be a journey but it will reach a conclusion and what is deemed as stability and normality will return.

Fear and panic can be reduced. Ultimately the shit happens not because of the sweeps... but purely from the fear and panic of the unknown. If it is known it is owned.

I am not going to pussy-foot on this subject... It can be fucking hard for everyone. Of course the sufferer can only know what it is like from their perspective. Back to the OP. If you recognise your patterns and communicate as you say you are starting to, you are helping to take away the fear of the unknown from those who may be close. You just might be very surprised who might stick around.

My point of view... as a society we need bipolar people. They so often achieve what many of us can only dream. Do they need some consideration when things get a little fucked up from time to time... SHIT YES.

 

[lazyhobo]

Ultimately the shit happens not because of the sweeps... but purely from the fear and panic of the unknown.

Fear of the unknown is common in all humans, not just those with a Mental Illness as said by Night. Not everyone understands what Bipolar may refer to, they may just think Mental Illness or if you use that word, then they think that. Those with no personal experience in the matter, may hold a degree of fear because it IS the unknown to them. While you want to be up front and honest, Those that have no personal experience even if they read up on it, may be iffy about it. Remember, First impressions are what most people will always remember about you, so Make the best of those first few minutes.

 

[culloden]

This is beyond dating and into the committed relationship. Many years ago, as mentioned earlier, I was in an LTR with a bipolar girl. One of the hardest things from my perspective was being unable to help someone I loved beyond holding her and sharing her tears. At one point, she changed to cognitive therapy. The new therapist helped her tremendously. Now, of course, whatever works for you. But cognitive therapy made sense, to me as well as her. It articulated a lot of what was going on in her head, and her therapist was open enough with both of us (I went to a couple of sessions with her) that I at least learned the vocabulary. That made me able to help her in concrete ways, which both helped our relationship and left me feeling much less helpless.

Make of that what you will.

 

[BotanyBoy]

Hi everybody,

I haven't been on this forum in a while, and I posted something about a year ago on chronically ill partners. I have a more pointed question on dating in particular. Well, somewhat pointed.

I don't know how to deal with dating. It works when I'm in a more normative state (I'm bipolar), but in hypomanic or depressive states... I mean it can get bad at any time.

In an LTR this is an annoyance but doable... but when you're just starting a relationship it's... well... hard. I firmly believe that not wanting to date me after seeing me in a particularly bad state is totally reasonable, and would not say anything foul of those people who would choose that.

But that leaves me in a quandary. Dating me can end up being a very difficult endeavor. I do not mean to overblow my condition, but it can get to people and it is very hard to understand.

I realize there are people in worse situations than myself and date. This realization isn't terribly helpful as it has nothing to do with me. "In theory" looks good but "In practice" is what I have to live with.

I'm just not sure how to go about forming a relationship. It's not like I haven't tried, I've used online services to try and meet people, and have, but nothing sticks.

opera

Bar skanks/low standards and lot's and lot's of intoxicants.... I prefer pot because it chills me the fuck out and makes me happy. It's a miserable existence but it works for me, hopefully you find it useful but if not I understand.

- PTSDboy