Mis-matched Sex Drives

[James G 5]

Now, here is another item I'd like to toss out for consideration. If you are a partner who has a higher sex drive would you find equal satisfaction in doing things such as cuddling, snuggling, kissing, perhaps touching, but no intercourse or orgasm?
No. I love those things but they're not enough & at times can be more frustrating

Also, would you feel fine if your partner brought you to orgasm (happily, not feeling an obligation to do so) but they were not interested in achieving orgasm? I know most people want their partners to orgasm - I mean, well, who really wouldn't? But if your partner tells you it's okay and not that big of a dea for them that night, but they are eager to bring you to orgasm, would you go with that and be happy? Or would you feel as though you've let your partner down or that your partner is somehow "lying" to you?
Main issue here would be if it seemed to be something the partner really WANTED to do or was enjoying
As I have mentioned elsewhere on the board, I have trouble enjoying anything and achieving erection or orgasm if I feel my partner is doing something out of a feeling of obligation, or mechanically "just for me"
All too often, that's what this sort of thing turns in to
It's just dispiriting

Just for the record, I am one of those people who will happily bring my partner to orgasm, but my own is of little concern to me. I don't always experience an orgasm with every sexual encounter, and I'm okay with that. I'm not sure how my current partner feels - it hasn't come up for discussion, yet. But I do know that past partners have become upset to the point where they refused to orgasm unless I did first. Needless to say, I felt pressured and the situation went down hill from there.

How says the crowd?

Now, I will say that I don't feel like both have to cum every time
I don't, and thats fine, I enjoy the encounter
But again it become dispiriting and seems to be a sign of issues if the disparity is too great

IMHO, as always
James~

 

[Native Alien]

A break in the thread here to say thank you Chele for another very honest, thought provoking thread. Thanks to all who have taken part to this point and thanks to all who will.

 

[SexyChele]

A break in the thread here to say thank you Chele for another very honest, thought provoking thread. Thanks to all who have taken part to this point and thanks to all who will.

Why, thank you, Native Alien! Coming from you, this means quite a bit.

I, too, am enjoying where different people are coming from on these issues.

I think I perhaps need to clarifying some things, however. When I speak of affection instead of sex, I'm not speaking of this being the only thing that happens. (Yikes if it were!) I'm speaking of occasionally as a way to perhaps make the partner with the lower sex drive feel as though not every encounter needs to end in intercourse. I know that, for me anyway, sometimes what I do appears to be sexual but what I'm really craving would actually be affection - cuddling, hugging, kissing, or just being held. Certainly not all the time, but sometimes.

The same is true with bringing a partner to orgasm without having one for yourself. If I'm truly not in the mood, I won't do anything out of obligation. I've experienced that from others and it isn't a nice feeling. But there are times when I truly have no thought towards acheiving an orgasm. I want to tease and please my partner until he needs to cum or bust. When I'm in this mood, once he has had an orgasm, I'm done. Time for cuddling or getting on with whatever we were going to do. And, no, I don't "keep score". (know some folks that do, and I don't understand that!)

Anyway, just some clarification...

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Native Alien]

It also doesn't help in that it adds to the stress level of both partners when one feels that they have to get the other partner to orgasm. To me that is the biggest mood killer. If it is given freely then that is one thing, when done with a sense of obligation then it is another, and yes, I can tell the difference.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

So do they make a drug to lessen sexual desire? I mean, I've always been the one with the higher sex drive. It gets kinda irritating after awhile. Salt peter - didn't they give that to soldiers during wars to decrease their sexual appetite? Maybe that would help. lol

 

[bobsgirl]

Wow - I think there is some great meeting of the minds here! I just wanted to thank you all for participating. I don't think I have a problem, but just from the comments I've read here I've got lots of information to think about for the future if I should find myself in this position.

Now, here is another item I'd like to toss out for consideration. If you are a partner who has a higher sex drive would you find equal satisfaction in doing things such as cuddling, snuggling, kissing, perhaps touching, but no intercourse or orgasm? Also, would you feel fine if your partner brought you to orgasm (happily, not feeling an obligation to do so) but they were not interested in achieving orgasm? I know most people want their partners to orgasm - I mean, well, who really wouldn't? But if your partner tells you it's okay and not that big of a dea for them that night, but they are eager to bring you to orgasm, would you go with that and be happy? Or would you feel as though you've let your partner down or that your partner is somehow "lying" to you?

Just for the record, I am one of those people who will happily bring my partner to orgasm, but my own is of little concern to me. I don't always experience an orgasm with every sexual encounter, and I'm okay with that. I'm not sure how my current partner feels - it hasn't come up for discussion, yet. But I do know that past partners have become upset to the point where they refused to orgasm unless I did first. Needless to say, I felt pressured and the situation went down hill from there.

How says the crowd?

Well, I have to say, my husband and I do this on a regular basis. I have a physical disability that can cause varying degrees of joint pain. So there are times when I don't feel particularly horny. But I'm always willing to please my man, so this works for us. We're both on our sides, like spoons, and he cuddles and kisses me and almost always ends up entering me from behind. It's gentle, and easy on my joints. It may sound like he's "using me" but I don't feel that way. It's comforting to me, and fulfilling in its own way, and he gets a great orgasm. It's all good.

 

[SexyChele]

So do they make a drug to lessen sexual desire? I mean, I've always been the one with the higher sex drive. It gets kinda irritating after awhile. Salt peter - didn't they give that to soldiers during wars to decrease their sexual appetite? Maybe that would help. lol

Yes, supposedly it kept those horny sailors from screwing each other until they reached land and could get their hands on some women flesh! I thought I'd heard salt peter was still aroung, or maybe that was just an urban legend. I wonder....

 

[SexyChele]

Well, I have to say, my husband and I do this on a regular basis. I have a physical disability that can cause varying degrees of joint pain. So there are times when I don't feel particularly horny. But I'm always willing to please my man, so this works for us. We're both on our sides, like spoons, and he cuddles and kisses me and almost always ends up entering me from behind. It's gentle, and easy on my joints. It may sound like he's "using me" but I don't feel that way. It's comforting to me, and fulfilling in its own way, and he gets a great orgasm. It's all good.

It doesn't sound like he's "using" you at all. It sounds like your hubby is loving you. I was never fond of this position until I met my current partner. It really is a position that doesn't require a lot of strenuous gymnastics and does seem to have quite a bit of tenderness. I'm finding now I look forward to it, and most of the time just to feel his body against mine, his arms around me. Oh yes, very nice!

 

[James G 5]

Yes, supposedly it kept those horny sailors from screwing each other until they reached land and could get their hands on some women flesh! I thought I'd heard salt peter was still aroung, or maybe that was just an urban legend. I wonder....

Salt peter, sodium nitrate, does NOT prevent sexual desire
It was often thought to and hence added to certain foods fed to military men to keep them "focused"
There was a running joke that it was in Nehi soda, hence Radar always drinking it on M*A*S*H*
More to the point, not only doesn't it work, it can be toxic if used imporperly
So be careful!

On the other hand, Prozac will kill most people's desire and dr's give it out like candy if you wanna risk destroying your brain chemistry

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Salt peter, sodium nitrate, does NOT prevent sexual desire
It was often thought to and hence added to certain foods fed to military men to keep them "focused"
There was a running joke that it was in Nehi soda, hence Radar always drinking it on M*A*S*H*
More to the point, not only doesn't it work, it can be toxic if used imporperly
So be careful!
On the other hand, Prozac will kill most people's desire and dr's give it out like candy if you wanna risk destroying your brain chemistry

aw geesh - I'm not taking no stinking Prozac -I'll have to stick to my pot. (but pot makes me horny?) Viscious cycle.....

 

[SexyChele]

Salt peter, sodium nitrate, does NOT prevent sexual desire
It was often thought to and hence added to certain foods fed to military men to keep them "focused"
There was a running joke that it was in Nehi soda, hence Radar always drinking it on M*A*S*H*
More to the point, not only doesn't it work, it can be toxic if used imporperly
So be careful!

On the other hand, Prozac will kill most people's desire and dr's give it out like candy if you wanna risk destroying your brain chemistry

Okay, I knew there had to be some sort of hidden joke behind Radar's obssession with Nehi!

I've heard that most medications used to treat depression affect sexual behavior. Unfortunate that people can get the help they need, but the side affects can sometimes be as bad or worse than the original problem!

Thanks, James, for your clarification!

 

[James G 5]

Okay, I knew there had to be some sort of hidden joke behind Radar's obssession with Nehi!

I've heard that most medications used to treat depression affect sexual behavior. Unfortunate that people can get the help they need, but the side affects can sometimes be as bad or worse than the original problem!

Thanks, James, for your clarification!

Remind me to tell you about my shrink and the M*A*S*H* theme song some time

Yeah, I don't get the point in taking something that makes you not depressed but wrecks your ability to want or enjoy sex
that would only depress me again.....

And welcome, nice to know I'm good for something

 

[Native Alien]

What James says is very true. Alot of the psych drugs being used today cause a lessening of libido. The bad thing is that there are many natural ways to treat the same problems that don't affect the libido at all. No, I am not encouraging anyone to quit their drugs, but maybe to check into a alternative means of treatment.

Another thing that can cause the problems is the interaction between drugs. Oh, and good call on the saltpeter James. I have talked with several men who say that it doesn't work. Most are in the submarine branch of the navy and they all agree that it doesn't help a thing.

 

[BTK51]

I think it is one thing if the disparity is there from the beginning. In that case, you know what you are getting yourself into. I have learned that most people's sex drive is hard-wired and does not change for the better....


... In cases that I know of where there is no cheating going on, the person with the lowering sex drive usually will not admit to anything changing or they will make excuses without doing anything to correct the problem. This of course only makes matters worse.

First, Great thread. I wish I had this to read 25 years ago.

Tchalle, I used to feel that way too but my relationship is proof that theory is wrong unless it is just an anomaly. I had a much lower sex drive than my wife when we were young. Now it is totally reversed. I now know how she felt though.

We were young and never really talked about it back then. Lots of accusations, yelling and hurt feelings etc.. I'm very sure that she never cheated on me but I know she was very frustrated. I think the current situation is caused by the fact that I couldn't talk about it back then (macho but sexually repressed) and she just repressed her desires accepting "that was the way I was". Funny thing is that I feel more guilty now for the way I acted and never adressed it, than I did then because I can identify better about how SHE felt. Now she has more of a problem talking about it but not nearly the hang-ups I had. I jusy show patience and make progress over time. We're both in this for the long haul so it isn't difficult at all.

Fact is though that it was not abnormal then or now and nothing was wrong with either partner. Before we were married our lobidos were pretty much insync. For some reason, about a year or 2 after the wedding my lobido took a nosedive. I still don't have the answers because I didn't communicate properly (she tried) so I'll never know.

Net-net of this rambling is to say that things definitely can change. I firmly believe that with better communication, great amounts of patience and intense understanding on BOTH sides, it is very workable. I regret deeply not communicating properly because I know that I missed some great times (and so did she). My advice is to learn from everything on this thread and just continue to work through it.

There are some great suggestions here that I was too consumed to think about years ago. Hell, if you can step back from the trees to see the forest, there CAN be a lot of fun trying (I realize there are frustrating times) to resolve what appears to be overwhelming problems.

Sex has always been great between us and over 30 years we have learned to communicate better and are now trying things that I wish we did 25 years ago. We just have to make up for lost time I guess.

 

[huskie]

It aint the Lack of sex I'm missing it's the quality of sex which I wish would improve with my wife.

 

[SexyChele]

Sex has always been great between us and over 30 years we have learned to communicate better and are now trying things that I wish we did 25 years ago. We just have to make up for lost time I guess.

Dang, but I love hearing this kind of story! BTK51, thank you so much for your response. I think yours is the first I've heard where sex drives have switched, but I'm sure you are not alone. (Perhaps people aren't as willing to share out in the real world as they do online) It is heartening to know that, despite everything, you and your wife are able to communicate and try to work things through.

I wish you and your wife the best with this!

 

[SexyChele]

It aint the Lack of sex I'm missing it's the quality of sex which I wish would improve with my wife.

Don't know what else to say except that maybe one day? Hopefully? You're just too nice a fellow for me not to want to see you get what you want!

 

[BTK51]

Dang, but I love hearing this kind of story! BTK51, thank you so much for your response. I think yours is the first I've heard where sex drives have switched, but I'm sure you are not alone. (Perhaps people aren't as willing to share out in the real world as they do online) It is heartening to know that, despite everything, you and your wife are able to communicate and try to work things through.

I wish you and your wife the best with this!

Thanks for the good thought. Guess I'm just a lucky guy. I may have made it sound like it is worse than it is. It hasn't dgenerated into hurt or anger or anything like that on my part. A lot is probably menopausal hormones, but I see the situation improving. I think that I am wearing her down with my persistance and ability to come up with new ideas.

 

[Native Alien]

I think that BTK51 hit the nail on the head with his last statement. He continues to make her feel loved and wanted. The trick to this is not to make her feel pressured for sex, but to feel attractive and wanted for who she is.

 

[DuckLover]

I think that BTK51 hit the nail on the head with his last statement. He continues to make her feel loved and wanted. The trick to this is not to make her feel pressured for sex, but to feel attractive and wanted for who she is.

AMEN! Even when everything is going great, this is important advice. It all ultimately comes down to respect and compassion. Never forget that.

 

[Native Alien]

Okay people, this is just a personal opinion and that is all that it is. I think that if you fail to make a partner feel wanted and needed, you are missing out on alot. Regardless of the sexual status of any relationship, even a friend will part ways with you if they don't feel wanted or appreciated at least part of the time.

I know that even if the sex is great, it will only carry any relationship so far. Most of what I have learned about relationships and how to conduct them I learned from friendships that have lasted me from childhood and are still going strong.