My Kinkiness Going One Way and My Wife’s the Other. Anyone Else?

[Stella_Omega]

I understand that line of thought.
I admit that due to her lack of desire in Me...
I sometimes find myself trying to decide if it's worth the half an hour of "Foreplay"
( Which means I pet, Stroke & Fondle HER )
just to try to get her in the mood.

I could count on one hand in the last ten years of how many times that she went out of her way to try to get me in the mood.
( And it doesn't take much )



The only problem I have with this point of view is...
I also have a Hard Day.
I work 8-10 hours a day, Lot's of heavy lifting, With a 70 mile round trip comute.
When I get home... I also have all of my chores that have to be done before I can even sit down in my Lazyboy.
So at the end of the day... I'm also Tired, Sore & Stressed out.
But never so tired or sore that I dont want Sex!

I've had physical jobs, where I would be sore and tired at the end of the day-- they always let me stay horny.

She might be "touched out" if you guys have kids. Moms get pawed, and hugged, and tugged on and physically mauled by the kidlets. It's a different KIND of stress-- I found that i did not want stroking, petting or fondling in my foreplay. And i didn't want to petor fondle anyone else, not unless he gave me a helluva show in return if you know what i mean...

She might not even realise it, and might be feeling pretty frustrated that foreplay isn't working like it used to. You might ask her about that...

 

[Gavionn]

For someone who apparently intends no offense, your response to someone who is only trying to help is pretty rude. Your marriage may be alive, but from your own descriptions, it cannot be considered well by any stretch. It may be that besides the sex, your marriage is perfect, but that's a pretty big exception, not to mention the fact that you apparently can't be honest with your wife.

A rather large presumption on your part, Max.

You mentioned someone who was "only" trying to help. I saw someone who was telling me that their 2 failed marriages made them an expert on how to make marriage work.

And while I agree that if my wife and I were more "in-tune" sexually, it would improve the marriage for both of us - I disagree with your assertion that our marriage is not " well by any stretch".

My wife is well aware of what turns me on, if that's what you mean by your assertion that I can't be "honest" with my her. Any comments I may have made to the contrary revolve around her day-to-day responses.

If you're married yourself, it should be a no-brainer for you to recognize that every couple has an unspoken understanding that changes over the years.

Let there be no doubt; I might be frustrated about my sex life - and I might use Lit to temper that frustration. But I also use Lit (as now) to express my love and devotion to my beautiful, sexy wife.

Don't misunderstand my frustration as impatience or lack of love or desire...

 

[Gavionn]

Brother... We gotta get YOU your own "Talk Show"
Let's give Oprah & Dr. Phil the boot cause they don't know shit anyway!


You just described not only My Married Life...
But the Married Life of every man that I know.

I believe what you have described is very common in a LOT of marriges.
I also believe that all of the things that you have described are a large part of
"Why Men Cheat"
The only thing that you left out is when the Wife finally gives it up.
Not because she is into it ( Or Me )... But because it's her "Duty"
Which leaves me totally unsatisfied!

I think every married woman needs to read this thread!

BTW... My Wife & I are both in our late 40's,
Have only been married once,
And have been married for almost 30 years.

Such a talk show would be a great idea! It'll never happen, though.

The target audience (married women/mothers) are more interested in shows that exemplify their roles as nurturers and teachers than anything that might improve relations with the men in their lives.

I don't offer this as a condemnation of women or wives... just as an observation.

Most of the women I know are in their late 30's or early 40's. Nearly all of them have children. I have talked to most of them at length about this particular issue. And to a ONE, they are annoyed that their husband seems to always want sex.

It's like MacDonalds being surprised when someone orders a Big Mac... but it's honestly how they feel. The overall opinion seems to be:

"I know that I did that stuff before we got married... I can't believe you thought I would continue doing so after we got married."

Which is Bullshit. And isn't an issue for us men to deal with.

 

[Gavionn]

Mr. Biggs and Gavionn,

First of all let me ask you this question. IF you are so happy with your wives why are you here seeking a surogate sex life on Literotica? It seems to me if you are happy with your wives, and your marriages, you wouldn't need to seek a sexual outlet that you must HIDE from your wives.

Secondly, I was married to the same woman for 26 years and after about 5 years of marriage our sex life declined to the point that we had problems in the marriage. We went to counseling over and over from then until the marriage ended. Always with the same results, a short time change for the better and them the slide back to the same old shit. Granted sex was not the only problem and it may have been made more prominent by those other problems.

My point is simply this, you really have 2 choices: 1) Stop fooling yourself that you are happy EXCEPT for the sex life, and either get counseling to see if it can be changed, or sit down with your spouse and see what the real problem is. 2) Move on, end the relationship and seek a new love that has your same sex drive.

The fact that you both are here sharing your sad stories, and seeking a sexual outlet through Literotica, shows you are NOT happy. Admit it and fix the problem.

By the way, my current girlfriend and I read literotica together. I don't have to hide this from her.

Fyreguy: You claim that Lit is a "surrogate" sex life. The implication being that it is a BAD thing.

Yet here you are.

And my wife is well-aware of my proclivities. The wonderful thing about Lit is that I don't have to time my desires to her awareness.

I appreciate your 19-of-26 experience, and can even relate to it on a certain level.

The fact that you think my story is "sad" amuses me.

Can I ask your age and that of your "girlfriend"?

And how long you've been together?

Cuz so far you seem to be pretty much proving the stereotype...

 

[PrettyBiBBW]

Most of the women I know are in their late 30's or early 40's. Nearly all of them have children. I have talked to most of them at length about this particular issue. And to a ONE, they are annoyed that their husband seems to always want sex.

It's like MacDonalds being surprised when someone orders a Big Mac... but it's honestly how they feel. The overall opinion seems to be:

"I know that I did that stuff before we got married... I can't believe you thought I would continue doing so after we got married."

Which is Bullshit. And isn't an issue for us men to deal with.

I'm married. 43. 4 kids. I love having sex with my husband and frankly wish we could do MORE of it than we do (and we're a steady 3-4 times a week couple, more if we can manage a weekend alone). So you can't give a blanket statement like that condeming women and their "bait and switch" or attitude because it's simply not true. Also, I am not an anomaly. All but ONE of my friends in my age group are very interested in sex, miss the fun and excitement of doing things that are more than a quick missionary position while the tv is muted and are enthusiastic partners.

I'm finding the backhanded "I love my wife and would never cheat BUT she doesn't perform for me" comments on here argumentative, especially when you have 3 women actively trying to give you advice and insight from a woman's perspective. Please don't dismiss us because we're not telling you what you want to hear. (And yes, whomever made the rude remarks to the woman who had been married twice-that WAS unnecessary.)

 

[Stella_Omega]

Women in our society are not encouraged to think of themselves as sexual individuals, you know. Oprah doesn't invite women on her show because they are great in bed, she invites women on her show because they are great mothers, or great educators. If women want to be able to stand up proudly among the crowd-- it wont be for being sexual. Our society calls those women "Sluts." Sexual women get hissed out of the room.

And everyone wants to be able to stand up proud. So, what's the choice for any self-respecting woman?

Your solution, my male friends, is to begin building her sense of pride in her sexuality. That's gonna require some work from you-- but the rewards will be great.

One thing I would suggest might seem counter intuitive; make a REAL BIG DEAL about YOUR orgasm. I mean-- make sure she comes, but more importantly-- honest-- give her the impression no one else could possibly make you feel that good... And especially not your hand. Your hand, as far as she's concerned, is a paltry second to her attention.

 

[Shadowann2]

Sorry, Biggs - I have to respond to this one first.

Shadowann ~ Are you serious? You're embarking on marriage number 3, and you presume to educate me on my only marriage? I appreciate the sentiment, truly I do - but if there has ever been a case for the idea that there is more to marriage than sex - you just made it.

I've been with my wife for 16 years. Married for 14.

Not every woman is like my wife, that's true. Which is exactly why I married her.

I'm interested to know how old you are; how many children you have, with how many men; and how long each of your marriages have lasted.

No offense intended, but I'm not prepared to take relationship advice from someone with 2 failed marriages under their belt while mine is alive and well.

Your suggestion of counseling is well-taken. But I can't help but think that you have no idea what a real marriage involves. It's difficult to take advice from someone with less experience, if you get my meaning.

Excuse me? So, because I've had 2 failed marriages, that had nothing to do with a lack of sex, I'm excluded from being able to give advice on anything to do with marriage? Is it perhaps possible that I LEARNED a thing or two from the fact that my marriages failed?

As for your questions, I'm in my early 30's, I have 3 kids, all fathered by my husbands, and my marriages lasted 6 years, and then 3 years. My first husband was a compulsive liar, and compulsive cheater, and physically abusive toward me and my kids. After putting up with that for far too long, I took my children and moved away. It was the best decision I ever made. I can assure you that lack of sex was not a problem in our relationship. I almost never turned him down, with the exception of after I caught him cheating, when I would refuse to have sex with him until he was tested for STDs. He cheated because he had no self-esteem, and got it from bedding other women, NOT because of a lack of sex. We were into the same things sexually, and had a great sex life. My second divorce happened because my husband started hanging out with a new group of friends who were all single and childless. He went from a responsible, family-oriented man, to a man who wanted to live the party life. He said as much when he left. Again, our relationship NEVER suffered from a lack of sex.

Does it bother you that, even though my relationships had their problems, and eventually failed, we had a great sex life, right up to the end? Meanwhile, you, with your perfect marriage, aren't getting any? Is that what pissed you off about my post? Yes, there is more to marriage than sex...weather the sex is good, or bad, or not at all. Good sex does not = good marriage, and good marriage does not= good sex. Most people, in order to be happy, need to have a good marriage and good sex. I think your case would prove my point. You obviously aren't happy in your perfect marriage, or you wouldn't be here bitching about it.

As for my advice: Look up medical causes for low sex drive, and you will find that for both men and women, low levels of testosterone is the leading cause. It doesn't take a person with a perfect relationship history to know that.

As for my suggestion of counseling: That seems pretty straight forward. Not something that requires a perfect relationship history either.

As for my reference to the way that sexual dissatisfaction can permeate the rest of your relationship: I have seen it happen time and time again with the people close to me. Maybe that won't happen in your oh, so perfect marriage, but it's not outside the realm of possibility. Considering the fact that you are on here, behind your wife's back, bitching about the problem, indicates that it is already effecting your relationship.

I know you think you have a perfect relationship other than the lack of sex, but the fact that you are here, without your wife knowing, and admit that the things you say here would hurt her as bad as you cheating, would indicate otherwise. You may think I know nothing about successful relationships, but I do know that lying and sneaking around behind each other's back, especially with things of a sexual nature, is not conducive to a good relationship. Both of my husbands knew about my time at Lit, and even knew my password, in case they ever wanted to log and and see what I'd been up to. Trust and honesty are integral to a successful relationship, and you obviously don't have that. Not to mention communication. You would rather come to a porn board and look for people to commiserate with you, rather than talk to you wife and take action to try to improve things between you. Sounds productive.

I'm sorry that I didn't pat you on the back and say, "Poor baby." Based on your personal attack on me, it seems apparent that you don't really want o fix the problem; you just want people to tell you how sorry they are for you. You want to know that other's have the same problem as you; is that so you can justify the things you are doing behind her back? If other people do it, it must be ok for you to do it, right? Perhaps your reaction to me was based on the fact that it bothers you to know that not all women are like your wife, and actually enjoy regular sex with their husbands, and are open to their husband's kinks. Who knows? I don't really care. I was trying to be nice, offer advice, and to give you hope that there may be the possibility of you and your wife resolving this problem before it ruins your marriage, one way or another. If you are content to continue to lie to your wife, sneak around behind her back, and risk ruining your marriage, in favor of impersonal interaction on a porn board, rather than making a real life effort to improve your relationship with your wife...well, that's your choice.

 

[Fyreguy2006]

Fyreguy: You claim that Lit is a "surrogate" sex life. The implication being that it is a BAD thing.

Um, if your idea of a sex life is jerkin the gherkin to porn on Lit instead of a loving warm body next to you that is as in tune with your desires and you are hers...Then YES it is a bad thing. Why would you settle for that?

Yet here you are.

Um, as I told you my girlfriend and I often read Lit together. We find it stimulating, amusing, and sometimes pathetically sad.

And my wife is well-aware of my proclivities. The wonderful thing about Lit is that I don't have to time my desires to her awareness.

Awareness? That's a funny word to use to explain that you can cuff the carrot and not have to wait for her to decide that tonight is your one tme for sex in 6 months.

I appreciate your 19-of-26 experience, and can even relate to it on a certain level.

No, I don't think you can. I got out when I realized that while sex was a symptom of my discontent it wasn't the root problem at all. Not even close.

The fact that you think my story is "sad" amuses me.

And well that's okay with me. The fact that you claim to be happy while here whining is absolutely hilarious to me.

Can I ask your age and that of your "girlfriend"?

Why the quotes around girl friend? You think you have some smart ass comment to make "nut up, or shut up." I am 51 and she is 44. Yep, your oh he went for the much younger woman thing is BLOWN out of the water. Sorry no prize for you.

And how long you've been together?

Just over 2 years. Are you taking a poll?

Cuz so far you seem to be pretty much proving the stereotype...

Of what? Not being happy lieing to myself about being happy when I was not? Come on wiseguy, I speak in plain language. If you have something to say just be a fucking man and say it. I hate cutesy fuck heads who dance around what they have to say.

Oh, by the way....Have a nice day.

 

[none2_none2]

I think a lot of times these kinds of threads don't take into account male sexuality also. In your 30's you are still in the years where the sex drive can be very strong. In my mid 40's, mine started to diminsh a bit. I'll be 50 in a month. I used to have to get off SEVERAL times a day. My idea of abstaining was to go 5 days one time without getting off. If I bumped up against a table my balls were extra sensitive that is how bad those 5 days got. I never did a dry stunt like that again. Though my partners were all guys, the idea that they wanted sex as much as me cause they were guys was too was a BIG farce. Even the horniest of them, just could NOT keep up with me. Most of them couldn't even get hard as often as I could. I could fuck, get off, then recharge in a few minutes. There were plenty of them who did NOT want sex very often. So that lower drive isn't limited to women.

I only bring that up because it makes me think that it isn't so much about the fact specifically that your wife lost interests, but simply that another person that you have made a commitment to doesn't match your level of drive. As some women have pointed out in this thread, it isn't 100% a given that women loose interest. It CAN be the other way around.

Luckily for me (I guess) the last few years my drive has gone down a bit. Even more so, I find myself j/o'ing not because I am bored with my partner OR feeling rejected, but because sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them be -- angry, stressed, tired, bored, sleepy (in other words -- not horny). If I don't get my rocks off, or my partner doesn't isn't interested in getting off, it isn't a sign of sex problems. The other issue with me is that i LOVE morning sex big time. My partner does not. So I tend to j/o in the morning. Though my relationship is only 7.5 years -- not 14 or more, some of the similar things hold. Even if someone spiked my water with Viagra, I would never stray. For me my attitude on that topic goes beyond love, but because of how I feel about MYSELF. As you get older, you really learn what matters. What you really have in the long run is your reputation. That means a LOT to me. When I tell someone I love them, it isn't lip service. It has to mean something. So I park my dick where my heart is, or I don't park it. Sure I have to change the oil now and then, but I can do that quite well by MYSELF. I my read stories, look at pics, but I don't fool around with others in real life nor online.

Good luck in resolving this, I know unmatched drives can be VERY frustrating.

 

[TallOne]

I understand that line of thought.
I admit that due to her lack of desire in Me...
I sometimes find myself trying to decide if it's worth the half an hour of "Foreplay"
( Which means I pet, Stroke & Fondle HER )
just to try to get her in the mood.

I wasn't referring to foreplay. Rather, the things that got you through the bases the first time around. Just because you've hit a homerun doesn't mean you should expect to just walk the bases every time you go up to bat. Still need some time alone together, adult conversations focused on each other rather than the kids, some surprise gifts and whatever else you found she enjoyed while building the relationship.

 

[Gavionn]

Excuse me? So, because I've had 2 failed marriages, that had nothing to do with a lack of sex, I'm excluded from being able to give advice on anything to do with marriage? Is it perhaps possible that I LEARNED a thing or two from the fact that my marriages failed?

As for your questions, I'm in my early 30's, I have 3 kids, all fathered by my husbands, and my marriages lasted 6 years, and then 3 years. My first husband was a compulsive liar, and compulsive cheater, and physically abusive toward me and my kids. After putting up with that for far too long, I took my children and moved away. It was the best decision I ever made. I can assure you that lack of sex was not a problem in our relationship. I almost never turned him down, with the exception of after I caught him cheating, when I would refuse to have sex with him until he was tested for STDs. He cheated because he had no self-esteem, and got it from bedding other women, NOT because of a lack of sex. We were into the same things sexually, and had a great sex life. My second divorce happened because my husband started hanging out with a new group of friends who were all single and childless. He went from a responsible, family-oriented man, to a man who wanted to live the party life. He said as much when he left. Again, our relationship NEVER suffered from a lack of sex.

Does it bother you that, even though my relationships had their problems, and eventually failed, we had a great sex life, right up to the end? Meanwhile, you, with your perfect marriage, aren't getting any? Is that what pissed you off about my post? Yes, there is more to marriage than sex...weather the sex is good, or bad, or not at all. Good sex does not = good marriage, and good marriage does not= good sex. Most people, in order to be happy, need to have a good marriage and good sex. I think your case would prove my point. You obviously aren't happy in your perfect marriage, or you wouldn't be here bitching about it.

As for my advice: Look up medical causes for low sex drive, and you will find that for both men and women, low levels of testosterone is the leading cause. It doesn't take a person with a perfect relationship history to know that.

As for my suggestion of counseling: That seems pretty straight forward. Not something that requires a perfect relationship history either.

As for my reference to the way that sexual dissatisfaction can permeate the rest of your relationship: I have seen it happen time and time again with the people close to me. Maybe that won't happen in your oh, so perfect marriage, but it's not outside the realm of possibility. Considering the fact that you are on here, behind your wife's back, bitching about the problem, indicates that it is already effecting your relationship.

I know you think you have a perfect relationship other than the lack of sex, but the fact that you are here, without your wife knowing, and admit that the things you say here would hurt her as bad as you cheating, would indicate otherwise. You may think I know nothing about successful relationships, but I do know that lying and sneaking around behind each other's back, especially with things of a sexual nature, is not conducive to a good relationship. Both of my husbands knew about my time at Lit, and even knew my password, in case they ever wanted to log and and see what I'd been up to. Trust and honesty are integral to a successful relationship, and you obviously don't have that. Not to mention communication. You would rather come to a porn board and look for people to commiserate with you, rather than talk to you wife and take action to try to improve things between you. Sounds productive.

I'm sorry that I didn't pat you on the back and say, "Poor baby." Based on your personal attack on me, it seems apparent that you don't really want o fix the problem; you just want people to tell you how sorry they are for you. You want to know that other's have the same problem as you; is that so you can justify the things you are doing behind her back? If other people do it, it must be ok for you to do it, right? Perhaps your reaction to me was based on the fact that it bothers you to know that not all women are like your wife, and actually enjoy regular sex with their husbands, and are open to their husband's kinks. Who knows? I don't really care. I was trying to be nice, offer advice, and to give you hope that there may be the possibility of you and your wife resolving this problem before it ruins your marriage, one way or another. If you are content to continue to lie to your wife, sneak around behind her back, and risk ruining your marriage, in favor of impersonal interaction on a porn board, rather than making a real life effort to improve your relationship with your wife...well, that's your choice.

Okay... I totally deserved that. Most of it anyway.

My sincere thanks to you for taking the time for such a lucid response to my decidedly emotional outburst. And my apologies for targeting you at that moment.

I believe the reason I reacted the way I did was based largely on a sudden recognition that I'm on Lit "bitching" about my marriage and potentially painting it, and more importantly my wife in a negative light. I wanted to turn that perception around, and somehow thought that lashing out at you and proclaiming otherwise would make it so.

The fact of the matter is that I am truly, happily married - but sexually frustrated. The further truth is that the frustration doesn't fall completely on my wife's shoulders. There are various and sundry other issues that play into it, obviously.

And I think you're correct when you suggest that part of my reason for commenting here is just to hear that I'm not the only one in a similar situation. However, that is not to say that our marriage lacks communication. We talk about everything - perhaps we just don't make it enough of a priority. As illogical as it may sound - especially when taking into account some of my rantings - the main reason I'm here is an effort to help my marriage. It's a shame that I responded so poorly to the first people (you're not the only one) who decided to give some real input.

At the same time, I've been working at this for quite a while. I've suggested counseling (solo or couples), I've researched testosterone deficiency and even bought a couple of different supplements - which she didn't take. I encourage open communication/fantasy/role-playing in our sex life. And I am a very attentive lover. I also mention a lot (because it's just a simple truth) that I have never been near another woman who has the physical effect on me that she does. She is the only woman who has ever been able to bring me to orgasm with only her mouth. She is absolutely perfect physically in my eyes, and she is an amazing person, woman, mother and friend. I truly adore her to the core of my being.

Yet I also see us (and I realize that this may be alien to you) surrounded by women who consider sex (and their husband's desire for it) to be nothing more than a massive inconvenience. As I mentioned before, I myself have had many conversations with these women. That fact that their husband gets an erection just from looking at them, or hugging them is an annoyance to them. And they talk to each other and support each other in this misconception. Work and Laundry and Bills and Friends and Shopping and such are given priority. Sex becomes a "when the planets align" kind of thing.

Which is just a damn shame, because to a one these are women who's men adore them. Yes, we men are visual, visceral creatures - but for one certain woman to have such a dramatic impact on us - over and above all others, is a purely emotional connection. When I see or feel the curve of my wife's hip for example - it is far more powerful than any other.

Men are also very tactile. We like to touch and feel and bury ourselves in the physicality of the women that we love - far more than the women we just think are hot. Somehow this becomes "groping". For me to slide my hands against the side-swell of my wife's breasts as we enter a hug is purely natural for me. As is my Want to feel her back and cup her ass during the hug. I have long since stopped expecting these things to ellicit a response in her... but I also don't understand how they are perceived as negatives. From my perspective I am reminding her that she is my World. That I adore her and consider her the most beautiful, sexy Woman I have ever seen or known. I am expressing my desire for her above and beyond every other woman.

And in so doing - I merely succeed in annoying her. So I took the advice of a mutual female friend and resorted to virtually platonic touching during regular activities. From what I'm told, women are sick and tired of being "sex-objects" and want only to be appreciated as fellow human beings. Somehow, me being sexually attracted to the woman I've chosen to spend my life with is now equated with her being an "object"?

The advice didn't work for shit, by the way. Because it didn't address the larger issue - which in my view is that sex is SO far down on the priority list as to be nearly impossible. So in addition to the (much appreciated) input/advice you've given so far - I'm now interested to hear your thoughts on what can be done to change it's priority. For a woman who feels overwhelmed by outside pressures like work and kids and money - what can her man do to help her understand that sex is a wonderful diversion from those stesses? How can I (as the horndog thorn in her side) show her that she's ignoring possibly the best therapy in the world, as well as a deeper connection with her spouse?

Thanks again for not just writing my rantings off as just another asshole and taking the time to reply. You strike me as a very thoughtful, clear-minded woman. And while it appears to me that your perspective is quite different than my wife's - I'm fairly sure that you'll see things in what I've just written that I'm unaware of. I look forward to hearing more from you.

 

[Gavionn]

Oh, by the way....Have a nice day.

Points taken.

Not all agreed with - but I set myself up for misunderstanding by lashing out the way I did.

I guess my main reaction is to the "surrogate sex life" thing. I am willing to settle for "jerkin the gherkin" for the time being because I'm NOT willing to cheat on my wife. And remain convinced that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Most of the other crap was just me being emotional and behaving badly toward an anonymous person on the internet. Which was a petty, bullshit thing for me to do. Kudos to you for calling me out on it.

And by the way... Have a GREAT day.

 

[Gavionn]

I think a lot of times these kinds of threads don't take into account male sexuality also. In your 30's you are still in the years where the sex drive can be very strong. In my mid 40's, mine started to diminsh a bit. I'll be 50 in a month. I used to have to get off SEVERAL times a day. My idea of abstaining was to go 5 days one time without getting off. If I bumped up against a table my balls were extra sensitive that is how bad those 5 days got. I never did a dry stunt like that again. Though my partners were all guys, the idea that they wanted sex as much as me cause they were guys was too was a BIG farce. Even the horniest of them, just could NOT keep up with me. Most of them couldn't even get hard as often as I could. I could fuck, get off, then recharge in a few minutes. There were plenty of them who did NOT want sex very often. So that lower drive isn't limited to women.

I only bring that up because it makes me think that it isn't so much about the fact specifically that your wife lost interests, but simply that another person that you have made a commitment to doesn't match your level of drive. As some women have pointed out in this thread, it isn't 100% a given that women loose interest. It CAN be the other way around.

Luckily for me (I guess) the last few years my drive has gone down a bit. Even more so, I find myself j/o'ing not because I am bored with my partner OR feeling rejected, but because sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them be -- angry, stressed, tired, bored, sleepy (in other words -- not horny). If I don't get my rocks off, or my partner doesn't isn't interested in getting off, it isn't a sign of sex problems. The other issue with me is that i LOVE morning sex big time. My partner does not. So I tend to j/o in the morning. Though my relationship is only 7.5 years -- not 14 or more, some of the similar things hold. Even if someone spiked my water with Viagra, I would never stray. For me my attitude on that topic goes beyond love, but because of how I feel about MYSELF. As you get older, you really learn what matters. What you really have in the long run is your reputation. That means a LOT to me. When I tell someone I love them, it isn't lip service. It has to mean something. So I park my dick where my heart is, or I don't park it. Sure I have to change the oil now and then, but I can do that quite well by MYSELF. I my read stories, look at pics, but I don't fool around with others in real life nor online.

Good luck in resolving this, I know unmatched drives can be VERY frustrating.

Very well put.

Especially the "sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them be" line.

That's pretty much where I've been running for some time now, personally. Keeping my own needs in check while remaining loyal and true to myself and my marriage.

I just feel like a crucial part of our lives is going virtually dormant for no good reason, and I want to change that.

If any of you haven't guessed by now - the sex is amazing when we have it. And not just because the time between sessions is so long. It's just that good.

Thanks for the input, None2.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Okay... I totally deserved that. Most of it anyway.

My sincere thanks to you for taking the time for such a lucid response to my decidedly emotional outburst. And my apologies for targeting you at that moment.

I believe the reason I reacted the way I did was based largely on a sudden recognition that I'm on Lit "bitching" about my marriage and potentially painting it, and more importantly my wife in a negative light. I wanted to turn that perception around, and somehow thought that lashing out at you and proclaiming otherwise would make it so.

The fact of the matter is that I am truly, happily married - but sexually frustrated. The further truth is that the frustration doesn't fall completely on my wife's shoulders. There are various and sundry other issues that play into it, obviously.

And I think you're correct when you suggest that part of my reason for commenting here is just to hear that I'm not the only one in a similar situation. However, that is not to say that our marriage lacks communication. We talk about everything - perhaps we just don't make it enough of a priority. As illogical as it may sound - especially when taking into account some of my rantings - the main reason I'm here is an effort to help my marriage. It's a shame that I responded so poorly to the first people (you're not the only one) who decided to give some real input.

At the same time, I've been working at this for quite a while. I've suggested counseling (solo or couples), I've researched testosterone deficiency and even bought a couple of different supplements - which she didn't take. I encourage open communication/fantasy/role-playing in our sex life. And I am a very attentive lover. I also mention a lot (because it's just a simple truth) that I have never been near another woman who has the physical effect on me that she does. She is the only woman who has ever been able to bring me to orgasm with only her mouth. She is absolutely perfect physically in my eyes, and she is an amazing person, woman, mother and friend. I truly adore her to the core of my being.

Yet I also see us (and I realize that this may be alien to you) surrounded by women who consider sex (and their husband's desire for it) to be nothing more than a massive inconvenience. As I mentioned before, I myself have had many conversations with these women. That fact that their husband gets an erection just from looking at them, or hugging them is an annoyance to them. And they talk to each other and support each other in this misconception. Work and Laundry and Bills and Friends and Shopping and such are given priority. Sex becomes a "when the planets align" kind of thing.

Which is just a damn shame, because to a one these are women who's men adore them. Yes, we men are visual, visceral creatures - but for one certain woman to have such a dramatic impact on us - over and above all others, is a purely emotional connection. When I see or feel the curve of my wife's hip for example - it is far more powerful than any other.

Men are also very tactile. We like to touch and feel and bury ourselves in the physicality of the women that we love - far more than the women we just think are hot. Somehow this becomes "groping". For me to slide my hands against the side-swell of my wife's breasts as we enter a hug is purely natural for me. As is my Want to feel her back and cup her ass during the hug. I have long since stopped expecting these things to ellicit a response in her... but I also don't understand how they are perceived as negatives. From my perspective I am reminding her that she is my World. That I adore her and consider her the most beautiful, sexy Woman I have ever seen or known. I am expressing my desire for her above and beyond every other woman.

And in so doing - I merely succeed in annoying her. So I took the advice of a mutual female friend and resorted to virtually platonic touching during regular activities. From what I'm told, women are sick and tired of being "sex-objects" and want only to be appreciated as fellow human beings. Somehow, me being sexually attracted to the woman I've chosen to spend my life with is now equated with her being an "object"?

The advice didn't work for shit, by the way. Because it didn't address the larger issue - which in my view is that sex is SO far down on the priority list as to be nearly impossible. So in addition to the (much appreciated) input/advice you've given so far - I'm now interested to hear your thoughts on what can be done to change it's priority. For a woman who feels overwhelmed by outside pressures like work and kids and money - what can her man do to help her understand that sex is a wonderful diversion from those stesses? How can I (as the horndog thorn in her side) show her that she's ignoring possibly the best therapy in the world, as well as a deeper connection with her spouse?

Thanks again for not just writing my rantings off as just another asshole and taking the time to reply. You strike me as a very thoughtful, clear-minded woman. And while it appears to me that your perspective is quite different than my wife's - I'm fairly sure that you'll see things in what I've just written that I'm unaware of. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Listen, dude, turn this into a love letter and give it to her to read!

And go back and read some of the suggestions I've made in this thread, see if any of them sound like they could be useful to you?

 

[Fyreguy2006]

Points taken.

Not all agreed with - but I set myself up for misunderstanding by lashing out the way I did.

I guess my main reaction is to the "surrogate sex life" thing. I am willing to settle for "jerkin the gherkin" for the time being because I'm NOT willing to cheat on my wife. And remain convinced that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Most of the other crap was just me being emotional and behaving badly toward an anonymous person on the internet. Which was a petty, bullshit thing for me to do. Kudos to you for calling me out on it.

And by the way... Have a GREAT day.

It happens. We're cool

I did have a pretty good day and i hope the same for you.

 

[Gavionn]

Listen, dude, turn this into a love letter and give it to her to read!

And go back and read some of the suggestions I've made in this thread, see if any of them sound like they could be useful to you?

She is well aware of everything I've said here, and most of it has been included in numerous "wake-up notes" and "surprise notes" over the years. As well as clear verbal, face-to-face comments.

I've read all of your posts on this thread, Stella. I just haven't found anything in them that I haven't tried already.

Everything that I said in the post you responded to, I have either said verbally or written over and over in notes to my wife over the years. Making that post into a Love Letter would only seem to her like regurgitation.

I know it may be difficult for some women to believe, but there ARE men in the world who are truly loyal and in Love with the women in thier lives.

In instances like that - the woman is clearly in control of the sexual activity.

After some time, it is not difficult to understand how the woman's (especially if she's a mother) perception of sex might influence the man's behavior.

Your advice presumes that my wife WANTS to be appreciated for her sexuality. Every message I've been getting from her (and the other women I know) indicates that she'd just as soon be DONE with that part of life.

Which might almost be okay... other than the fact that she is massively territorial.

When other women harmlessly flirt with me - she loses her mind.

I would almost expect a contrary response. A kind of "Sheesh... if it gets him to leave me alone, go ahead..."

The only response I can think of would be to criticize my lack of work around the house. I don't require her to do my laundry or wash the dishes. As a matter of fact, if I were to do so I would be rightly targeted as a chauvanist. But from what I've seen, the exact same behavior is embraced by most American women.

Finances are VERY tight these days. Every project she wants me to tackle involves hundreds or thousands of dollars, which we don't have. And none of them are NECESSARY to our lives.

I don't require certain domestic chores in exchange for sex. For her to do so is BS. For other women to encourage it is even larger BS.

It is clear that there is something missing for her... but it isn't MY fault that she won't talk about it. I have laid myself open to hear whatever she has to say. I am willing to offer-up any answer to every question she might have.

And yet...

 

[Gavionn]

It happens. We're cool

I did have a pretty good day and i hope the same for you.

Yes.. it was a good day.

Glad to know we're cool.

Thanks.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Your advice presumes that my wife WANTS to be appreciated for her sexuality. Every message I've been getting from her (and the other women I know) indicates that she'd just as soon be DONE with that part of life.

I offered some possible reasons why she might feel that way. Within those reasons are possible solutions-- not easy because you'll be fighting the tide of societal pulls, especially since you say that (every other woman you know) feels that way too. That's not an individual's preference. That's group norms.

Well, I wish you the very best, and I hope she retrieves her mind before you go out of yours!

 

[Gavionn]

I offered some possible reasons why she might feel that way. Within those reasons are possible solutions-- not easy because you'll be fighting the tide of societal pulls, especially since you say that (every other woman you know) feels that way too. That's not an individual's preference. That's group norms.

Well, I wish you the very best, and I hope she retrieves her mind before you go out of yours!

The ironic thing is; I've yet to meet anyone who's desires actually mesh with societal norms when the lights are off and no one else is around. So it's actually fear... yeah? Fear that someone will find out and spread the word.

"So-and-so likes such-and-such." As though any of us are worthy of passing judgement on one another.

I know that the women I talk to aren't the frigid, asexual bitches they make themselves out to be. Which is part of the reason I mention it as much as I do. What possible benefit is there in portraying yourself and others like you as having NO sexual desire at all? It's a pure power-play in my eyes. Daring the man to MAKE them "want it". Even though they already do. Making the man feel like every dalliance is a victory, and every climax is a summit.

It seems to me that this is why oral and anal are rareties - even though the majority of the women I've talked to claim to enjoy both.

So is it really such a surprise that a guy like me might end up looking for validation on Lit? From what I've been told, I'm a decent-looking guy. I'm lucky enough to have a high metabolism which keeps me thin - but makes bulking-up a major endevour. I have an above-average (although not huge) sized cock, and I'm a VERY attentive lover.

I could literally get laid any time I wanted to... the offers come fairly regularly. However, it isn't just about the act for me anymore. So it is insulting when I'm treated as though I just want a piece of meat... I just turned down multiple offers of a "piece" and came home to you. If you're not interested anymore, let me know before I go out next time. Perhaps next time I'll decide to accept the offer...

It's an odd position to be in, Stella. To be actively UNwanted and DIScouraged from what comes naturally... yet to be almost violently prevented from getting it elsewhere.

That may be my largest question of all; of the women who aren't the randy, sex-lovers that only seem to exhist on Lit... if you truly refuse sex with your man for reasons that have "nothing to do" with him. And you do so over, and over and over again over the course of YEARS... how in the HELL do you justify not letting him get it somewhere else?

It's almost like saying: "I know you're hungry. I know that food is critical to your survival. I know that I have all the sustenance you could ever need right here... but you can't have any. And if you let that bitch across the street feed you, you'll never see me or your child(ren) again."

That might sound overly-dramatic, but to a guy in my situation... that's pretty much what it feels like.

I found the ultimate market. The one that provides me with everything I could ever want or need... but it only opens under certain conditions. While all of the neighboring markets are open 24/7 and offer some things that aren't even available at "my" market.

Eventually I'm going to shop elsewhere, rather than starve.

 

[joker4466]

i also have this problem.but with me i said id go elsewhere as a threat to try and get more sex.it didn t work and was not the right way to go about it as it caused more problems.i didn t and still dont want to go get it elsewhere cause i love her and the way she used to be in bed was one of the reasons i do love her.she was awesome.hahaha.but overtime she went from being up for anything fun to no fun at all.when i get judged for going online for gratification i try and explain that its only to get off and not to meet new people.but like others i get made to feel bad for looking at things she herself has checked out before.shes been there done that and its old news,but for me its all new and i want to share things with her but shes not interested in the least.sometimes id jerk off in the hopes of getting her excited but it only annoys her more.i have given up trying because i think she just doesn t want to be close to me and just go online to get off whenever i want to.she just walks by or will even sit down to have a non sexual conversation like nothings going on.i have even tried to see if she would like to go get it somewhere else as long as she came home and shared(the thought of her with other guys turns me on) and was honest.it has put a strain on our relationship to the point where i had to choose.actual sex or my family and the internet.of course i chose my family and the internet.lol
glad to see im not the only one out there with this problem.i feel better somehow.

 

[Ckent33]

My life in a nutshell

Same thing here!! My wife wants to have nothing to do with me!!! Rarely if ever
even comes near me!! We had a great sex life for many years! Semi kinky, lots of lingerie and heels and I would fuck her in her ass and she would fuck my ass with a dildo! Then about 3 years ago, things started to slow down! Now it's just the complete opposite. When we do have sex it's boring, same positions....blah blah blah! I bought her some lingerie for Xmas, still haven't seen it on her! It's in a box on the floor! I just can't seem to jump start the sex life. I've tried talking to her, she says "sex life is great!"!!!!!
I do t know what to do. But since the sex life has gone I'm on the net all the time looking at porn. But regulAr porn got boring, so I started looking at shemales and that was like a whole new world!! Then that eventually got me into looking at gay porn, I'm not gay at all, but I guess I'm bi??? I love to watch gay porn as much as regular porn. But then that got me into cros dressing porn! Which then led me to starting to jerk off while wearing thigh highs and panties!! And I started using dildos on my self!!! I can't seem to get enough!
In the meantime my sex drive is on super high and my wife is on another planet!!!!
So that's where I am at!!!!

 

[glamorilla]

Well coming in from a completely different point of view your wife may just be a your average heterosexual woman and not be into the same things you are and only went along in the first place to satisfy you, her straight male lover and husband...you the man who is supposed to get erect and fuck her privates.

Maybes shes figured something out you yourself haven't yet.

 

[Ckent33]

I see your point. But it wasn't all about anal, I'm sorry if it came off that way! And it wasn't all about her getting me off. I would really enjoy having sex with her any which way! The anal and the dildos were a bonus for both of us! And I would love and thought she did, to please her for hours! Now if I go down on her she pulls me right up! But our sex life that I wish we still had has brought me to looking to try and replace that high I would Have with her. That's why just regular old porn won't do. I need something else, like crossdressing. I've thought about it alot when I first started to watch gay porn or shemales, if I was gay...but I am still a sucker for women. And I still think my wife is hot. We are in our 30's. Too soon to call it quits!!

 

[glamorilla]

i wasn't commenting to you specifically.

my first boyfriend ended up getting married.

when his wife was pregnant with his first kid he looked me up...wanted to get something started up on the side. couldn't do it...wasn't even the whole he's married thing. he was nothing like the confident strong guy i fell in love with.

he's miserable now, in a sexless marriage and has not one but two kids to be responsible for.

 

[SirLeo]

You Have to Take Action

Brigg's story sounds just like how my life was. Then one day about 5 years ago, m found some emails I had saved from an OL subbie of mine. There was a whole unravleing and then a re-putting things back to gether that occured. The essence of which is eachof us got over whatever emotional fears we had regarding my/her acceptance of My very Dom and kinky side, (which btw is not a fulltime thing) and her own sexually adventurous as well as her vanilla side. Is she a super subbie? No. Do we now adventure and explore together? Yes. We do wild a crazy things. She enjoys satisfying my desires more for the sake of satisfying me then her subbie side, although she does love to just get taken and have me do what I please. But we have to talk about it, let each other know what we need and when we need it. If the issue hadn't been forced, I don't know where would be.

So to Briggs and you others whether you are a Dom like myself or wish to be dommed, take the bull the horns so to speak and force the issue. If you don't you will likely get it forced on you and in the meantime both of you are being miserable.

Leo