Need insight from a guy's perspective

[Poeticwolf]

It sounds like your sex drive is peaking (as it should for your age) and his is in decline. The general rule with men is if they aren't getting sex from you, they are getting it somewhere else. Even by themselves. It sounds more to me that he is struggling with a new sexual kink that you don't give him and he is too inhibited to share it with you. It is probably something he is ashamed of. That is why he is pushing away from sex. It's not you, it's him. He has reassociated sex to be a bad thing. He stays away from it as long as he can, months I think you said, and then he meets his limit and he succumbs to it.
At this point, I am not sure 'pressuring' him for sex is going to work, it will probably have the reverse effect. He needs someone to talk to. He is stuck in his head most likely. Claiming he is not in the mood is a cop-out. An easy excuse to avoid sex. I would talk to him, if I was you, explain how you are feeling, but do not say anything to make him feel like you are blaming him. Just explain your frustrations and needs. Then, tell him that you are going to stop doing all the sexy things you have been doing to give him space to work through whatever it is he is going through. When he is ready to have an open and honest conversation with you to work out his problem, tell him you will be there to support him and listen.
In the meantime, you do what you need to do to take care of your sexual needs. Just don't do it in front of him. You don't want to rub it in his face so-to-speak. I really hope this helps you feel a little better about your situation. I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand how difficult it is to not get sexual satisfaction from your partner. Just remember, it is not you. You haven't done anything wrong. It is not your fault in any way. And don't feel guilty about pleasuring yourself.

 

[LazuLine90]

It sounds like your sex drive is peaking (as it should for your age) and his is in decline. The general rule with men is if they aren't getting sex from you, they are getting it somewhere else. Even by themselves. It sounds more to me that he is struggling with a new sexual kink that you don't give him and he is too inhibited to share it with you. It is probably something he is ashamed of. That is why he is pushing away from sex. It's not you, it's him. He has reassociated sex to be a bad thing. He stays away from it as long as he can, months I think you said, and then he meets his limit and he succumbs to it.
At this point, I am not sure 'pressuring' him for sex is going to work, it will probably have the reverse effect. He needs someone to talk to. He is stuck in his head most likely. Claiming he is not in the mood is a cop-out. An easy excuse to avoid sex. I would talk to him, if I was you, explain how you are feeling, but do not say anything to make him feel like you are blaming him. Just explain your frustrations and needs. Then, tell him that you are going to stop doing all the sexy things you have been doing to give him space to work through whatever it is he is going through. When he is ready to have an open and honest conversation with you to work out his problem, tell him you will be there to support him and listen.
In the meantime, you do what you need to do to take care of your sexual needs. Just don't do it in front of him. You don't want to rub it in his face so-to-speak. I really hope this helps you feel a little better about your situation. I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand how difficult it is to not get sexual satisfaction from your partner. Just remember, it is not you. You haven't done anything wrong. It is not your fault in any way. And don't feel guilty about pleasuring yourself.

Thank you. That made me feel relieved. I'll do what you suggested and I guess I'll update this thread later on. Hopefully this will help with the situation I'm in.

 

[Poeticwolf]

Thank you. That made me feel relieved. I'll do what you suggested and I guess I'll update this thread later on. Hopefully this will help with the situation I'm in.

You are very welcome. Just focus on yourself for a while. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your fantasies. Masturbate yourself silly.

 

[LazuLine90]

I feel there are non sexual issues involved. Ae you doing better than him professionally? Are you indifferent/hostile to his parents/siblings? It could be a host of reasons.

I have a stable job. He quit his job to focus on where his interest is that's why he's working at home.

I have an amiable relationship with his family. We don't live near them so communication is sparse on my end.

There's no problems with his family either. I guess it goes down to hormonal issues.

 

[Playwithmee]

Have you tried going to therapy together? Sometimes as a couple we need to learn how to take the time to talk about these things and to not feel embarrassed, or judged. Therapy might stimulate conversation outside of therapy as well that ends up exposing issues.

Also, have seen what kind of porn he watches and how often? If may be that he’s learning to satisfy himself sexually through porn and doesn’t feel like he can then satisfy you since he may be jerking of at home more than you know. And the type of porn should help you understand things that he may want to explore but is afraid to talk about.

There is always the possibility that he is in fact bi, or gay. Something he always repressed, but is coming to realize his sexuality more and feels guilt. But since he likes to feel you up I would put this low on the list.

He’s a lucky man to have you.

 

[EasyGuy1025]

I have a stable job. He quit his job to focus on where his interest is that's why he's working at home.

I have an amiable relationship with his family. We don't live near them so communication is sparse on my end.

There's no problems with his family either. I guess it goes down to hormonal issues.

You know, a change to working at home may have something to do with it. When you work out of the house, it’s easier to go from work mode to home mode. I’ve gotten into a rut that way, where the two things blend together. It can play many tricks on your mind and body.

 

[Lifestyle66]

Based on my experience, it would be hormones.

When my wife's libido was decreasing, she eventually went to a health spa, got the blood work done, and consulted a doctor. The doc inserted slow-release hormone pellets to increase her estrogen and testosterone (yes, women need testosterone too, just not as much as a man.) With those hormones, her libido increased!

I also went through that hormone pellet treatment, and in my case, the hormone level skyrocketed TOO high. I went from mid-range as shown in the blood work to 30% overdose level of testosterone. (300-900is the range, I was at 620, and the pellets raised it to 1,200!) I became easily angered!

But the testosterone gives you the DESIRE for sex. And in my wife, that desire over three treatments and by the seventh month rose to a craving! I couldn't keep up with her needing it almost EVERY night!

So, it sounds like your husband not "feeling like it" has a low testosterone level (which men just don't want to hear or admit to). Injections or pellets would help increase that desire. But he has to first WANT to try it. And that takes him first admitting that his testosterone might be low.

 

[LazuLine90]

Have you tried going to therapy together? Sometimes as a couple we need to learn how to take the time to talk about these things and to not feel embarrassed, or judged. Therapy might stimulate conversation outside of therapy as well that ends up exposing issues.

Also, have seen what kind of porn he watches and how often? If may be that he’s learning to satisfy himself sexually through porn and doesn’t feel like he can then satisfy you since he may be jerking of at home more than you know. And the type of porn should help you understand things that he may want to explore but is afraid to talk about.

There is always the possibility that he is in fact bi, or gay. Something he always repressed, but is coming to realize his sexuality more and feels guilt. But since he likes to feel you up I would put this low on the list.

He’s a lucky man to have you.

I know he likes anal sex, and something to do with a milf and big tits.

I tried once watching with him watch porn but he felt off about it, so i stopped. Later on he would do me based on his fantasies. I let him ofcourse as i enjoy it as well. Then he cums while im still enjoying it. I think his imagination makes him cum faster before I could enjoy it well.

 

[LazuLine90]

You know, a change to working at home may have something to do with it. When you work out of the house, it’s easier to go from work mode to home mode. I’ve gotten into a rut that way, where the two things blend together. It can play many tricks on your mind and body.

Yeah i agree with you on that. That's why i push him to set working hours. Discipline is a struggle.

 

[Playwithmee]

I have a stable job. He quit his job to focus on where his interest is that's why he's working at home.

I have an amiable relationship with his family. We don't live near them so communication is sparse on my end.

There's no problems with his family either. I guess it goes down to hormonal issues.

Did all this start when he started working from home? If so, it could easily be a porn problem, or it could be the self esteem issue with regard to guilt surrounding his career, and it the volume of porn he watches. Porn can take people out of reality and leave them feeling like they can’t satisfy their partner and also have unrealistic expectations about sex.

 

[EasyGuy1025]

Did all this start when he started working from home? If so, it could easily be a porn problem, or it could be the self esteem issue with regard to guilt surrounding his career, and it the volume of porn he watches. Porn can take people out of reality and leave them feeling like they can’t satisfy their partner and also have unrealistic expectations about sex.

That’s a good point that I didn’t consider.

 

[Playwithmee]

I know he likes anal sex, and something to do with a milf and big tits.

I tried once watching with him watch porn but he felt off about it, so i stopped. Later on he would do me based on his fantasies. I let him ofcourse as i enjoy it as well. Then he cums while im still enjoying it. I think his imagination makes him cum faster before I could enjoy it

continue to watch porn together and take turns picking videos. And maybe make it so you masturbate each other so you can control how fast he cums. He may also be a submissive, so you might want to try exploring different videos that he might be afraid to show you he enjoys. I know you like a dominant men, so he might be having issues being what he knows you desire.

 

[firefox27eros]

Don’t you EVER feel bad about having sexual needs. That doesn’t make you a “slut”. That way of thinking has to go. You seem to be trying everything to get him interested. The fact that you’re here, asking us about it makes me think that you a good person and an EXCELLENT partner. IMO he is lucky to have you. My best guess is he doesn’t fully understand his lack of interest either, the same way I didn’t when something similar happened to me.

Absolutely agree with you, @EasyGuy1025

 

[R34D]

Talking about the potential issues, does he exercise? Exercising greatly helps boost libido. Being in my early 40s, my sex drive is through the roof. Diet can affect libido as well as hormones. It could be hormonal. Also, have you asked what his fantasies are? Initiate an open conversation free from any ridicule or judgment.

It could be a lot of independent issues or even complex ones. I'd start with exercise, nutrition, and communication.

 

[Britva415]

The most important factor here is whether he knows this problem is snowballing and whether he cares to do anything about it.

He seems to be getting away with just saying "not in the mood" forever and not being made to think about how that's affecting his partner and what he's going to do to ensure that the partner doesn't suffer or (eventually) leave.

@LazuLine90 , what are the stakes? If nothing ever changes, or, if it actually gets worse over time, and your husband leaves you "on your own" with this and doesn't lift a finger to find a solution or talk about it like it's a real issue, do you want to stay forever? Another ten years like this? Five years?

The pattern with this kind of thing is, it never gets better.

This isn't a "guys perspective" thing. Guys experience "bed death" but it can happen the other way, too, where, instead of the wife losing all interest in sex, it's the husband.

What are the stakes? What if this never changes? I told my wife what the stakes were, and it got her attention. Now things are much better between us because she made the effort. And I'm not talking about giving me more sex - quite the contrary. I get it elsewhere now with her blessing. I'm not saying this is the solution for you, just saying that if we didn't talk about it, if I didn't show her the stakes, and she didn't make the effort, it would have hit the fan. In my own case, I couldn't stay. For a lot of other people, they just suffer, permanently.

 

[NOBGE]

Hi all, im 35F married, got a stable job. Hubby is 33M working from home. I'm horny most of the time. I keep asking my guy to have sex with me but he keeps declining. He's definitely not cheating but he is not in the mood. Most of the time he likes to feel me up but never progress to proper fucking which leaves me frustrated. He fuck me well when he's had a drink but most of the time it's either my hand or my trusty dildos. We've been married for almost 10yrs. He says it because he doesn't feel like having sex most of the time, just no libido at all. He's young, he still finds me attractive but it makes me very frustrated.

If he quit his job(good/steady income) and is now pursuing his own interests and working from home, maybe he’s too stressed or always thinking he should be working. Maybe he’s worried he’s not supporting you enough.

On a different track, since it’s either you hand or a dildo, does he know when you’re pleasuring yourself? Maybe say “it’s ok if you’re not in the mood but I am. Want to watch?” Or when in bed, just start and get his reaction.

 

[grey228]

For OP:

1 - stress

2 - porn addiction

3 - no longer interested in you

For my wife and I, we fuck on waking up or after a nap, when we're both full of energy.

 

[Hipshot1554]

The two of you must learn to communicate your feelings/needs. If you don't, you're doomed to this from now on.