Need some advice on how to handle this...

[zpitt27]

I thought I'd post this on here, because I have read through some other people's questions in the past and I'm always amazed at the great advice from other users and I don't know ... I guess I don't really know who else to ask.

So I have a friend and we're pretty close. Her and I talk all the time and I don't know, I at least think it's great. I find her very attractive, and there's times that we seem to flirt with each other. The only problem, and I realize it's not something small, is that she's married.

Don't get me wrong. I'm extremely happy for her, and that's all I really want. I just don't really know how to handle our relationship I guess. There's plenty of times that I wish things had worked out different so we were together, but like I said, I want nothing more than for her to be happy, and it seems as though she is.

And there's also the possibility that I've been reading too much into our relationship and I wouldn't want to risk losing the friendship we do have because we were on different pages.

I'm content being just friends and I hope she knows I'd always be there for her.

I guess I just don't know how to handle it.

Thanks in advance for any and all help.

 

[fire_breeze]

I thought I'd post this on here, because I have read through some other people's questions in the past and I'm always amazed at the great advice from other users and I don't know ... I guess I don't really know who else to ask.

So I have a friend and we're pretty close. Her and I talk all the time and I don't know, I at least think it's great. I find her very attractive, and there's times that we seem to flirt with each other. The only problem, and I realize it's not something small, is that she's married.

Don't get me wrong. I'm extremely happy for her, and that's all I really want. I just don't really know how to handle our relationship I guess. There's plenty of times that I wish things had worked out different so we were together, but like I said, I want nothing more than for her to be happy, and it seems as though she is.

And there's also the possibility that I've been reading too much into our relationship and I wouldn't want to risk losing the friendship we do have because we were on different pages.

I'm content being just friends and I hope she knows I'd always be there for her.

I guess I just don't know how to handle it.

Thanks in advance for any and all help.

I'm not married, however, I think the world over knows how devoted I am to my all, so I will be speaking from experience what could happen if you confess your confusing feelings to your friend.

I had a good friend who, I realised belatedly, had a massive crush on me. He knew that I was - and still am - involved. Yes, we flirted, innocently. I tease everyone, and he was no exception. He was easy to talk to, I enjoyed his company, and he was genuinely happy for me. And then, it just turned. He started to make negative remarks about my all, started to get too touchy and feely, and finally told me that he wants something more, that he had wished that life worked out differently. Finally, because at times like these my elevated IQ reverts itself to that of a celery, I told him that if he has something to tell me, to tell me and not to be cryptic. (I kid you not, I need to be hit over with mallet, because I can be THAT dense).

He admitted that he fantasizes about me and that he wants to get together. And then (here where it differs, I hope, from you), he went on to say that he doesn't think my all is good for me for a number of reasons, that he is probably using me, and that he (guy friend, not my all) is the one for me. I almost punched him in the face. I was hurt beyond words. I was devastated. When I told him that I don't want to hear anything anymore and that we'd better come up with some ground rules to continue our friendship, he called me a two-faced bitch and accused me of leading him on. (end rant).

I had to get up and leave. It destroyed our friendship and it left our relationship very strained. It also dented my confidence, led my thoughts into places I did not want to go to, and left me very hurt and confused. It still fucking hurts.

The point of this mini-story is that she's married. Unless she has told you flat out that there are some serious problems in her relationship, aside from the up-and-downs that every single relationship goes through, then you can safely assume that she is very happy within her relationship and will probably not want to hear it.

Furthermore, it may cause strain in your relationship with her, and her relationship with her husband. If you are truly happy for her, then be truly happy for her and don't say a word.

Additionally, it may be harmless flirting on her end, and it may be a minor crush on yours. It's one thing to flirt. We all do it, and some people will flirt with a tree. Flirting is fun, and unless you are either both looking for something or in an established relationship with each other, flirting means nothing. Reading too much into it will be detrimental to your friendship.

And the most important point is that these conversations rarely go well and they will leave someone hurt. When someone is hurt, they will say things that they may not mean and later regret. It may be you, it may be her.

And if that's not enough, your relationship with your friend may become too weird, and she may wonder if she can trust you. You may be able to work past that and chalk it up to a "what the fuck was I thinking?" moment and laugh it off but the likelihood of that happening is slim-to-none.

In my experience and opinion? Continue being the friend that you are, and keep your musings to yourself.

 

[Eilan]

Beautifully said, fire_breeze.

 

[Tryharder62]

I think you answered your question yourself when you said that you are content to be friends and that you hope she knows you would always be there for her. In your heart you know what to do.

 

[njlauren]

Zpitt-

I have to agree with fire_breeze you are better off staying as her friend. Flirting is normal and may not mean anything at all. Given that she seems happily married, it would be a pile of quicksand if you attempted to go further with this. If she did have feelings for you, it could break up her marriage and she could end up blaming you for that, or she (and hubby) could sense what you were doing and it would be a mess. Even if she said her marriage was in trouble, I would stay out of any kind of thing with her other then friendship, until they were definitely at an end, to keep any sort of possibility of you being involved in the breakup.

 

[zpitt27]

I would sincerely like to thank all of you for everything that you've said. Your help truly means a lot to me. And thank you fire for going into such detail. I'm really sorry that you've had a negative experience in this respect.

I have to admit that I would also just about need someone to tell me flat out what their feeling were about me. I don't know ... I normally tend to lean toward the pessimistic side, and think things never will work out for me.

And with everything said, I would never do anything to try to break my friend and her husband up. I know all married couples go through quarrels, and that's to be expected, but I can tell that she's truly happy. I would much rather be alone than to say the wrong thing and take that happiness away from her. I can see it in her eyes and the way she smiles and I would feel like the shittiest person alive if I ever did something to take that away.

There are times in our friendship that I feel less like she's flirting and more like I'm looked at as maybe an older brother figure. Again, I could be wrong ... but I don't know. Seeing her happy means too much to me to fuck over our friendship.

Thanks again for everything.

 

[amofiga]

zpitt

Is she really "flirting"? Sometimes what one person perceives as flirting is just the other person being nice, attentive, and caring without having other intentions. I worked with a woman for years (she is married) and I often felt that she was "flirting" with me or had some interest in me, but I never acted on it. I sometimes used to think I should. Then one day, she told me that she had this problem that a lot of guys tended to see her relatively open affectionate personality as an invitation to hit on her and she didn't like it. She felt like her basic personality seemed to lead guys on and that's not what she wanted. I was happy that I didn't turn out to be one of the guys that misread her natural personality. Even though I'm now retired, I still go back to my old place of business to visit or work as a consultant, and run into her. She runs up, gives me a big hug and kiss and seems really happy to see me, yet, I've learned that it's just that and nothing more.

Be careful and tread softly lest you fall on your face.

 

[zpitt27]

I have often thought that her behavior wasn't flirting and was just her personality, though sometimes I guess I have a tendency to blur the two together. I wouldn't hit on her per se because I would be too afraid it was just how she acts around friends and, again, I don't want to lose the friendship we do have. I value our relationship too much to be without such a great friend.

Thanks for your thoughts.

The more I see her, the more I start to realize that my thoughts were getting ahead of me and I'm glad I've never said anything to her about my feelings.

Like I said, I want the best for her and I want nothing more than for her to be happy ... and it appears as though she is happy. That's all I could really ask for.

I'm content with the way our friendship has materialized and I know that I'll be there for her if she ever needs it, and that's something I don't want to lose.