Need some help...dissatissfaction in the bedroom

[Fenshae]

OK. I'm very frustrated and figured I could do with some expert opinions. I've gotten good advice here in the past, so....please bear with me as I try to explain (and sorry in advance for wordiness!).

To give a bit of background, I'm 23 and my boyfriend's 21. We've been together just under 2 years and we're both fairly sexually inexperienced. He's had 3 other sexual partners in the past but they were only oral & anal -- I'm his first vaginal experience. I'd only had sex one time before being with him and it was a not particularly pleasant experience.

He greatly prefers anal to vaginal sex. Asses turn him on, and one of the main reasons he was ever attracted to me is because of my body-shape. Also, I think he's more comfortable with anal because he's been doing it since he was in his teens, whereas vaginal sex is new and scary for him.

I also enjoy anal sex, but I can't do it often because -- due to some lower GI problems that are in the process of being treated -- I'm often very sore down there and sometimes the anal is incredibly painful. When it's good, it's AMAZING, but when it's bad, it's unbearable. Also, he's a pretty big guy, not just length but girth, and that makes it harder.

So the way it tends to work out, is we have vaginal sex 1-2 times a month, whenever the mood strikes him. Anal maybe twice a month, if I'm feeling up to it. The rest of the time, we stick with oral.

To make things more complicated, both of us have some sensitivity issues that make oral sex a less-than-ideal arrangement. He's only gotten off once from oral without having to do some of the work himself -- he has a stronger grip than I do, and we usually have to tag-team his dick to get him off. I have *never* been able to get off with fingers, tongue, dick, anything other than a vibrator. He gets extremely frustrated with that and sort of feels like he's an unnecessary 3rd wheel, which isn't the case at all -- I consider the vibe just a tool, I still think he's totally essential.

But anyway.

What ends up happening, generally, when we settle down for some intimacy, is we'll start kissing, touching, getting aroused...he'll try for my ass, and if I'm not up to it, I'll start sucking him. After awhile, he'll start using his hands to help, he'll cum, I'll swallow, and he promptly rolls over and falls asleep. Leaving me to finish myself off listening to him snore.

needless to say, I'm not overly satisfied with this arrangement.

In other respects we have a great relationship and he's a keeper, I see myself with him long-term. And when the sex is good, it's phenomenal; I've had some really mindblowing sex with him, anal, oral, vaginal...it's just not the norm, and I wish it was. I just don't know how to fix this problem on a reliable basis.

Any suggestions?

 

[Kind_Listener]

Sounds to me like, unfortunately, he needs to learn he can't always get what he wants, and that pleasing you is part of the process. In fact, for some guys ( I know I am one ) getting the girl off is far more pleasing then getting myself off.

The fact that you need a vibe is nothing strange, as you said, it's just a tool, a lot of women aren't even lucky enough to have that work for them... and that he needs to help you getting him to finish during oral is not a surprise either, much like women tend to know the best way to make themselves orgasm, and us men are usually a bit dense when it comes to that, it also works like that the other way around... and men tend to become impatient when they reach a certain level of arousal, they just -have- to orgasm, and it has to happen quick. At least, that's my experience.

But to get back to your problem at hand, I honestly think it is a case of him working for his own pleasure, and not so much yours. one way I could suggest to deal with this is that you take the active part. Instead of waiting for him to make the move, to your ass, it seems, why not push him down, and climb on top of him, taking him where he is meant to go, in the conventional sense of the word, and taking an active role in showing him to please you? Teach him how to use the vibrator on you, don't just use it yourself. for example.

 

[satindesire]

You have to talk to him.

Sexually inexperienced men don't always think about a woman's orgasm as something concrete that they need to work for. And not saying anything isn't going to make him "get it"...he can't read your mind.

As much as in an ideal world, both partners would orgasm all the time, unfortunately it's not usually like that.

It's selfish of him, and I know what it's like because I've been there. You shouldn't have to ask, but unfortunately, you DO have to ask.

 

[BrazenFellow]

At least the emotional connection is there. Have you explained to him - and the way you phrased it is probably best - that it's using the vibrator while you're with him, in that state of arousal that he provides for you, that results in your orgasm rather than the vibrator exclusively? Males tend to be pretty insecure and reminding / convincing them that they're the reason you're enjoying yourself tends to help a lot.

You should work on your communication issues. If he's accustomed to anal sex and if it works well for you, that's great. With your lower GI issues he shouldn't be defaulting to it, as a caring partner. Of course, that comment is null if you're the type who prefers to be taken rather than take what you want, but even in those circumstances you need to communicate what does and does not work for you and what is and is not acceptable. Especially for a medical reason. It sounds like you're pretty compatible and get along great.

Unfortunately it also sounds like you've fallen into a sort of "lonely orgasm" scripted sex routine. What I mean by that statement is that while you may be coming and he's certainly coming, you're not really all that fulfilled. It's just a mechanism of doping yourself with dopamine and the other fantastic endorphins produced during and after orgasm. Yes, you are having sex but, he's not fully engaged because he's going through the motions that lead him to climax. You're not necessarily a secondary consideration, it's just that he's not able to stay conscious enough to be able to assist you, or has taken it for granted that you are satisfied because he is satisfied and thus you're ending up on the sidelines. That is unacceptable.

There are a lot of factors that can lead to this, for instance boredom. If you've worked out a routine - and that's not necessarily intentional, it does sometimes just happen, then you need to change things up. Especially if the norm is not satisfying for you, and especially when you're considering a long term relationship with this guy. His performance and willingness to step outside the guaranteed "I get off" script can be influenced by a lot of outside factors: work related stress, your mutual free time, et cetera.

As to the sensitivity issues, he sounds like he death gripped his dick. I used to do that myself. It comes from having to steal moments to masturbate when you don't have a lot of space or time to yourself and thus you focus on rushing to orgasm, which unfortunately can translate into your sex life with a partner. Because a tighter grip leads to greater pleasure (within limits), most guys default to this and eventually numb themselves. When I lost my virginity I almost gave my partner an inferiority complex (or so I'm told) because I lasted so long, which was so outside her expected experiences based on discussions with her friends and sisters. With some practice you can work away from it, using gradually lighter pressures, through simply being more gentle. Eventually he'll learn to focus on lesser and lesser sensations and sex will become more gratifying for him. It shouldn't affect stamina, because as you get used to the lighter pressures and different sensations (vaginal and oral) and learn to indulge in their pleasure, you're also becoming accustomed to the sensations and can thus last longer. What you learn to pay attention to you can always ignore, as well. Note of course the point of ejaculatory inevitability; this is where no matter what you do or do not do he's going to come regardless. When you're playing, do try to avoid this point because it does cut things short.

I don't know what a female system of "re-sensitizing" may be, not being female I can't comment in the same depth as say, SatinDesire could on that subject. I have heard however that some masturbation techniques like the "faucet trick" with running water or a showerhead, over-use of a vibrator, or simply rubbing too hard can lead to these desensitization issues.

Your satisfaction is vital to a lasting relationship. A large part of that is going to be sexual. Consider this: Desire begets sex, sex begets desire. Because I have passionate sex with my woman, I want passionate sex with my woman, because I love her. Sex is not love, but love is partially and arguably largely expressed through sex.
If you're not satisfied, you can deny him orgasm until you are. If he goes ahead and comes, rolls over and goes to sleep while leaving you unsatisfied, that's rather selfish of him and the two of you need to rectify that situation.
As you have been advised already, I will amplify: Communicate. Discover what you both want and do it. Make time for each other and enjoy the emotional aspects of your relationship before delving directly into sex, and vary what you are doing so that you do not continue this scripted routine which leaves only one half of you satisfied.

 

[subwannabe]

He does seem a little on the selfish side and maybe you can work on that aspect since he is a keeper. Great sex a few times per month is pretty good, actually. A lot of married people would like to trade places with you. Unforuntately, sex isn't going to be terrific every time. It just doesn't work that way.

 

[mentionME]

I agree with everyone else.I'll withhold my judgement and confusion on his lack of vaginal experience and obsession with anal but I do implore you not to overlook the importance of a healthy sexual relationship when making someone a keeper.


Why would he be so pressed about anal when you have health issues.

Also, why would he complain about not being able to help you get orgasms when he's not doing everything necessary to get you there. Tell him stop being selfish and dick tongue finger toy your vagina because that's what girls need from boys. If he wants anal all the time he should get a man.

...sorry its late and this irked me because it sounds like the sex is just phenomenal for him if you need the vibrator the majority of the time

 

[infinity706]

If he wants anal all the time he should get a man.

That's seriously untrue. Anal sex isn't really any more common in the gay community than between straight couples, as far as I've seen. (I know hundreds of men that have sex with other men) No, that doesn't mean all gay guys do is suck cock...

As for the vaginal thing, I'm not sure how much additional penis in vagina sex would help. While it would get him off, that doesn't work too well for most women. If the vibrator works, then it works, though. Rather than being jealous of said vibrator, the best solution might be training him to use his hands, mouth, and said vibrator to get her off before he gets some oral/vaginal/anal. Of course, if orgasm without the vibrator is a goal, it might be ideal to set it aside temporarily and set aside at least 30 minutes each time for exploring each others' bodies without any orgasms during that time frame.

 

[Firebrain]

I am going to assume - and I might be wrong - that you're his first female partner, since he'd only had anal before. Erm, are you sure he likes girls?

 

[infinity706]

I am going to assume - and I might be wrong - that you're his first female partner, since he'd only had anal before. Erm, are you sure he likes girls?

Honestly, that's as much bullshit as the assumption that if he wants anal all the time, he should just get a guy. There are plenty of young, straight couples nowdays that chose to never have penis in vagina as their form of birth control or to stay a virgin, since some people consider only penis in vagina as sex. Please don't make sexist, homophobic assumptions.

 

[Firebrain]

Honestly, that's as much bullshit as the assumption that if he wants anal all the time, he should just get a guy. There are plenty of young, straight couples nowdays that chose to never have penis in vagina as their form of birth control or to stay a virgin, since some people consider only penis in vagina as sex. Please don't make sexist, homophobic assumptions.

He seems to be struggling to get off unless he's in her ass. If he's only ever been with men, I think that is a logical assumption, not an homophobic one. Liking anal doesn't make you gay but if he was previously and he doesn't seem to have much interest at all in girl parts - well, you do the math.

He might just have issues that mean it's the only way he can get off, but that coupled with his selfishness does not a happy future entail, really. I'm not surprised the OP has trouble orgasming when he makes it obvious that he's not bothered. I would too!

ETA - I would be very surprised if a young, hetero couple were only having anal sex. It is rarely the preserve of teenagers.

 

[infinity706]

Honestly, it could just be that he enjoys her ass more than her cunt. Afterall, it's not really even debatable that anuses are stronger and tighter than vaginas, in general. It's also extremely unfair to say he has no interest in girl parts. From the information we have, he's licked fingered, and stuck his dick in her pussy. Not only that, you have to consider any underlying psychological issues and the very real risk of pregnancy from PIV. Seriously, I don't have any overwhelming interest in sticking my dick in anyone's ass or cunt whether they're male or female and only do it by request. Would you seriously consider me asexual?

We can seriously address the problem that he's a bit of an immature sex partner and has issues to work through, without assuming that he or any other guy that doesn't particularly care for PIV is gay. It's not like you'd probably assume she's a lesbian if she doesn't get off on having his cock poking her cunt, so yes, it is extremely sexist and homophobic.

Anal as not something teenagers are less likely to do is also a highly questionable assumption. So, have you ever done any kind of random sampling or even read about it, regarding teenagers and anal? I understand that you'd personally have issues with a guy that didn't want to stick his penis in your vagina, since you're quite vocal about your enjoyment of it, though.

 

[irishwoody]

Chill out folks - its normally a pleseant friendly place to be round here....

 

[Firebrain]

It's not like you'd probably assume she's a lesbian if she doesn't get off on having his cock poking her cunt, so yes, it is extremely sexist and homophobic. .

Er, but if the girl was previously a lesbian, it'd be a valid question. I have made an assumption based on what the OP described; I said if. Otherwise, I pointed out the same thing you did. Nobody is suggesting he's gay just because he likes anal. There's not much anyone else can speculate on until the OP comes back to clarify.

As for what teenagers do...I must admit that I don't have a PhD on the subject. But since you do not either, it's an irrelevant question.

 

[infinity706]

I am being friendly and civil. I just expect evidence to be weighed in as fair and unbiased of a manner as possible. If anyone feels I've been unfair, I certainly welcome them to call me on it. If they can present reasonable evidence that I've made a mistake, I'll gladly concede their point and, most likely, apologise for any trouble caused. Anyone that posts on an open forum is subject to having their claims debated, though.

 

[infinity706]

Er, but if the girl was previously a lesbian, it'd be a valid question. I have made an assumption based on what the OP described; I said if. Otherwise, I pointed out the same thing you did. Nobody is suggesting he's gay just because he likes anal. There's not much anyone else can speculate on until the OP comes back to clarify.

As for what teenagers do...I must admit that I don't have a PhD on the subject. But since you do not either, it's an irrelevant question.

Well, I'd seriously debate whether it's possible to be "previously a lesbian," but that's kind of irrelevant to the issue. I also do have a bachelor's in psychology and did multiple research projects on college aged sexuality, so I do have a pretty decent idea of the research that's out there. Other than that, I'd like to thank you for keeping the discussion civil with a nicely worded argument.

 

[Firebrain]

If you studied psychology, you'll know how incredibly unreliable young people are in telling the truth about their sex lives.

 

[infinity706]

Well, actually, I don't think I've ever read a study specifically targeted at determining the truthfulness of young people about sex. Of course, I'm not even sure how you'd ethically study it, since most sexual activity takes place in private. I can say, though, that there probably is some social desirablity bias involved in any contraversial subject. We can't, however, assume that because such a bias exists that contraversial research is invalid because people might lie or make misleading statements. Really, all we can do is look at each study as objectively as possible, word any questions as specifically and bias free as possible, and uphold confidentiality to reduce the prevalance of bias as much as possible.

 

[BrazenFellow]

Unforuntately, sex isn't going to be terrific every time. It just doesn't work that way.

... yes it does. I have terrific sex *every time*, *all the time*, and yes, I do realize I'm in the minority here. It's about enjoying who you're with, not using a woman as a glorified sex toy. Both women and men are naturally inclined towards this sort of emotional expression, which creates better sex.

Firebrain: Yeah, it seems odd to me too that he would be so anally fixated, but I have, in all honesty, known girls who go: "I won't have sex before marriage, but I'll suck you and you can fuck my ass." Why? Christian dogma and hormones, usually. Stupid as it is, yes. If Fenshae is in the States there are quite a few (ridiculous) girls like that there, so it's not outside the realm of possibility that he's not gay.

Of course, I'm not even sure how you'd ethically study it, [...]
Really, all we can do is look at each study as objectively as possible, word any questions as specifically and bias free as possible, and uphold confidentiality to reduce the prevalance of bias as much as possible.

Funnily enough, that is exactly how you ethically conduct a study of human sexuality.

 

[Firebrain]

No wonder some women don't enjoy sex that much; anal is hardly the correct introduction, lol. I'm glad to be British (and athiest!).

 

[infinity706]

Well, I've introduced plenty of people to sex with anal included their first time. We're talking 1-2 fingers, though, not a cock. I haven't ever had one single complaint about 1 lubricated finger in the ass and it's actually produced as good or better results as a finger in the vagina.

 

[BrazenFellow]

Infinity: I'm sure you have. Note the difference between one or two lubricated fingers in the ass to someone who's presumably not a virgin, and for contrast, someone who is likely a virgin and for whom this may very well be their first experience with ("sinful") penetration at all, but then replace the lubricated fingers with an under-lubricated cock and 16-21 year old 'exuberance.' I wouldn't say they're comparable.

No wonder some women don't enjoy sex that much; anal is hardly the correct introduction, lol. I'm glad to be British (and athiest!).

Yeah, it's a problem that relates to this thread so I'll take your post and expound upon it a little bit. Societally women are pressured to do a lot of things; be thin, be tight, be sexually available but not a slut. Guys don't really have any of this pressure, in fact a lot of media seems to think it's alright to take a fat fucker, marry him to some svelte chick in a sitcom, and he'll be a lout while she'll continue to be a doting wife at heart with acid humor.

While there are those two greatly differing messages, there is also the message that foreplay is anything leading up to sex, to include oral sex. This is tied in closely with "penetrative [vaginal] sex is the only sex that counts" and conflicts directly with "any mutual contact involving genitalia is sex" message. Because foreplay is not emphasized at any point, most girls end up being totally unprepared for sex their first time, it's borderline traumatic or actually traumatic, the poor lasses, and they end up being fairly nervous women who take some effort to 'set straight.' I'm sure Infinity has numerous anecdotes about this.

Religion influences society greatly. I noted above the "oral and anal is okay, I'm keeping myself for marriage though" insanity, which is entirely a religious viewpoint. I also commented on how unlikely it is that most teenage males will be aware of the prerequisites for anal sex, namely copious relaxation and copious amounts of lube. Given that as a teen you're quite often snatching moments for sex and typically not skilled or caring enough to see to your partner's pleasure, you can see how the downward spiral begins early. Add in the uselessness of women's magazines and it's amazing that there are as many women as there are on LitErotica who know where their clit/G-spot is and know how to stimulate them to at least get themselves off, if not with a partner.

Directing it back to Fenshae's situation to keep us mostly on track, it seems to me that it's clear she needs to talk to her man and understand why things are the way they are, so that they can hopefully make changes that lead to their mutual satisfaction.

This is particularly important in the context of a long term relationship because men, unlike women, quite often express their emotions through sex. While women need the emotional connection (usually, of course not always) to have sex in the first place, men don't really express their feelings all that well except through sex. It's why you sometimes get instances of guys going: "I don't understand why my girlfriend/fiancee/wife is still mad at me. We argued, then we had sex, I don't get it." It is literally our attempt to make up for something and express affection.

If he's feeling like a third wheel when she sees to her satisfaction due to the apparent problem of them both being desensitized, then she's going to continually feel unsatisfied and this will lead to resentment on her part. If he ever stops to think about it, and chances are he will based on continued exposure to this routine of "scripted sex" as I discussed above, he'll start to feel inadequate that he's never been able to bring her to orgasm. Ultimately it will present a major stressor to the relationship.

 

[satindesire]

Beautiful post, Fellow. And I agree 100%.

 

[infinity706]

Infinity: I'm sure you have. Note the difference between one or two lubricated fingers in the ass to someone who's presumably not a virgin, and for contrast, someone who is likely a virgin and for whom this may very well be their first experience with ("sinful") penetration at all, but then replace the lubricated fingers with an under-lubricated cock and 16-21 year old 'exuberance.' I wouldn't say they're comparable.



Yeah, it's a problem that relates to this thread so I'll take your post and expound upon it a little bit. Societally women are pressured to do a lot of things; be thin, be tight, be sexually available but not a slut. Guys don't really have any of this pressure, in fact a lot of media seems to think it's alright to take a fat fucker, marry him to some svelte chick in a sitcom, and he'll be a lout while she'll continue to be a doting wife at heart with acid humor.

While there are those two greatly differing messages, there is also the message that foreplay is anything leading up to sex, to include oral sex. This is tied in closely with "penetrative [vaginal] sex is the only sex that counts" and conflicts directly with "any mutual contact involving genitalia is sex" message. Because foreplay is not emphasized at any point, most girls end up being totally unprepared for sex their first time, it's borderline traumatic or actually traumatic, the poor lasses, and they end up being fairly nervous women who take some effort to 'set straight.' I'm sure Infinity has numerous anecdotes about this.

Religion influences society greatly. I noted above the "oral and anal is okay, I'm keeping myself for marriage though" insanity, which is entirely a religious viewpoint. I also commented on how unlikely it is that most teenage males will be aware of the prerequisites for anal sex, namely copious relaxation and copious amounts of lube. Given that as a teen you're quite often snatching moments for sex and typically not skilled or caring enough to see to your partner's pleasure, you can see how the downward spiral begins early. Add in the uselessness of women's magazines and it's amazing that there are as many women as there are on LitErotica who know where their clit/G-spot is and know how to stimulate them to at least get themselves off, if not with a partner.

Directing it back to Fenshae's situation to keep us mostly on track, it seems to me that it's clear she needs to talk to her man and understand why things are the way they are, so that they can hopefully make changes that lead to their mutual satisfaction.

This is particularly important in the context of a long term relationship because men, unlike women, quite often express their emotions through sex. While women need the emotional connection (usually, of course not always) to have sex in the first place, men don't really express their feelings all that well except through sex. It's why you sometimes get instances of guys going: "I don't understand why my girlfriend/fiancee/wife is still mad at me. We argued, then we had sex, I don't get it." It is literally our attempt to make up for something and express affection.

If he's feeling like a third wheel when she sees to her satisfaction due to the apparent problem of them both being desensitized, then she's going to continually feel unsatisfied and this will lead to resentment on her part. If he ever stops to think about it, and chances are he will based on continued exposure to this routine of "scripted sex" as I discussed above, he'll start to feel inadequate that he's never been able to bring her to orgasm. Ultimately it will present a major stressor to the relationship.

Extremely well said.

I just have two things to add, though. First, even anal virgins have been able to easily handle a single, well lubricated finger, even if it's introduced as casually as oral sex (especially if it's concurrent). Of course, it's even easier with a woman, since there should be well lubricated fingers already available.

The second thing is, there are expectations placed on a guy. Guys are supposed to be trim (ok, not as thin as women), always horny, make the first move, be sensitive (without crying), and generally ask the woman out. Seriously, very few women will take the initiative and seduce a guy the first time, or ever in some cases. I know this because I tried it with a young woman that has kids by 3 different guys, one that's hooked up with guys in the parking lot at work, and a sexy, porn store saleswoman that's successfully had affairs with multiple married guys. None of them would even make the first move, even after going out for 3 months and "sitting on their hands." Yes, I flirted with them and never made any real effort to pursue sex of any kind. I guess it might be somewhat reasonable to consider that my reputation may have had some influence, but the point still stands. A lot of women could work on being more assertive about what, exactly, they want.

 

[mentionME]

Wow there was some insightful post on this topic.

To defend my position I never said he was gay just that he should fuck men and avoid the vagina altogether if he's so turned off by vaginal sex.

Anyway as a 24 year old I'll speak on my experience for the age range and say he's weird. I won't call him gay, but its unusual for someone his/our age to be that comfortable with their dislike of vagina. It sounds gay and I have never met any1 my age secure enough to be so bold. That said my circle is conservatives and/or black.

To me he actually sounds more dominant but I don't know bdsm either (black + whips and chains = no thanks)
Anyway I do take back the man comment

...transexual ftw! Lol

 

[Mz_Scarlett]

However you chose to enjoy it, sex is supposed to be about making a connection. Sharing your bodies. Pleasuring each other. He should be just as committed to your orgasm as you are to his.

Although I can orgasm through other kinds of touch, I do prefer a vibrator being used because it certainly moves things along for both of us And I just consider it a tool as well. Perhaps if you try one that isn't shaped like a penis it will feel less threatening to him.