Needing some advice (on a few different topics)

[CadillacJack85]

Here's the deal: I started dating a girl I met offline back in late 2004. We dated for 9 months long distance with 4 visits and then she moved to live with me. We were happy for a year and a half but then she got depressed, job stressing her out and our sex life became mundane. We use to have a very open-minded and kinky sex life. After she got depressed and started sleeping a lot and got really bitchy she finally decided she wanted to move back home and just be friends for now. After she moved back home she came to a decision two weeks later that she still loved me and wants me to move in with her now.

But here's where the advice is needed:

She is a big girl, almost twice my size. She's about 5'6, 200+ and i'm 5'5 160. She's from Florida and so she's use to guys with tans. Well, I'm only tanned on my arms and face because I wear jeans and shirts ALL the time.

She wants me to A)Get a full body tan and B)Bulk up.

So my first two questions: What is the healthiest way to get a full body tan? I've been working out in the sun with just shorts on during the day for three days now but i'm not even getting a sunburn! Is there any kind of lotion that can make getting a tan quicker/easier?

Secondly, what is the best way to bulk up without having to spend money on supplements? I do weight lifting almost every other day and crunches and push-ups every single night. I try to eat a lot of foods high in protein because I know muscle is mostly protein.


Now here is the next part:

My girlfriend does really love me and I really love her, we've always been very close and been through a lot of hardtimes together in just two years.

But she feels that she wants to sleep with other guys, after I confessed to her that i'd had thoughts of watching her with another guy. So I'm comfortable with the idea of her having sex with another guy as long as it's just to spice up our own sex life. But she says she wants to "go out on dates" with other guys. The reason for this, I don't drive and she says she wants a guy who can pick her up and take her out. If I move in with her, we will share the same bed but she has expressed that she wants each of us to have seperate bedrooms so that if she has another guy in mind she'll have her own bedroom and I'll have mine.

The fantasy of it, watching and/or knowing my girl is having sex with another guy, does sound appealing but then the idea of doing it in reality actually makes me a little nervous and concerned. I'm not sure how to handle the situation now. She loves me and wants us to be together forever and always and even talks about us getting married one day but then she wants to sleep with other guys and it makes me feel that i'm not giving her something she wants. She said she wants this all out of her system so that when we get married she'll be satisfied with just me.

What should I do or tell her? How should I react? She tells me she wants me to sleep with other girls too and she might want to watch but I'm not really comfortable just sleeping with other girls when I'm in love with her.

Am I crazy? Is this something I should be joyous over?

 

[M's girl]

Let me get this straight..... your body image is all wrong according to her (you need to get tanned and work on your shape) and she basically wants to fuck a bunch of other people.

Sounds like the right girl for you

 

[CadillacJack85]

Well, she's uncomfortable with her body image as well, she's self-conscious about being overweight and me being smaller than her. She also said she'd just be happy if i got a tan, my paleness isn't attractive. The working out is mostly just me wanting to bulk up but she's pushing me to do it even more now.

The reason she wants to sleep with other guys, according to her, is so that it makes our sex life more interesting and she thinks she can "learn" from other people so she can share with me and essentially be a better lover....

Not really sure what it all means, she's very nieve and superficial sometimes but she's a good girl.

 

[Starbuck69]

If the two of you really do love each other then I would strongly suggest not bringing any one else into the picture, it sounds like the two of you have other issue;s that need to be worked on first.

Bringing some one else into the bedroom can put a strain on any relationship and it doesn't sound like the two of you have a strong one at this time, it may have been and it might be in the future I don't know.

I suspect that if either one of you starts to see some one else or just gets a f*ck buddie that the two of you won't last much longer after that.

 

[CadillacJack85]

Ok, well the whole talk of having an "open relationship" is just talk right now and nothing we're about to jump into, we've discussed it as a fantasy but nothing more and we're not even sure if we will actually go through with it.

And I do thank you for your advice but there was some other content besides the one everyone seems to be focusing on.

And our relationship has been very strong and close for two years, she's the one having issues at the moment, I'm simply standing by her while she sorts out her life and figures out what she wants. I do know that she thought she was out of love with me because we didn't have the connection we use to in the begining. She wanted to see other people and us just be friends then she said she didn't want to do that because she loved me but she likes the kinky idea of her sleeping with other guys (not strangers off the street but friends) while I watch or to join in.

I think she just wants to sleep other people because she thinks it's kinky and would make our own sex life better but like i said, it's just all talk and fantasy right now.

 

[Starbuck69]

Ok, well the whole talk of having an "open relationship" is just talk right now and nothing we're about to jump into, we've discussed it as a fantasy but nothing more and we're not even sure if we will actually go through with it.

And I do thank you for your advice but there was some other content besides the one everyone seems to be focusing on.

And our relationship has been very strong and close for two years, she's the one having issues at the moment, I'm simply standing by her while she sorts out her life and figures out what she wants. I do know that she thought she was out of love with me because we didn't have the connection we use to in the begining. She wanted to see other people and us just be friends then she said she didn't want to do that because she loved me but she likes the kinky idea of her sleeping with other guys (not strangers off the street but friends) while I watch or to join in.

I think she just wants to sleep other people because she thinks it's kinky and would make our own sex life better but like i said, it's just all talk and fantasy right now.

The reason that it was focus'd on was because thats the biggest issue, or at least sounded like it, so going on to the others, first you should learn to drive for many reasons besides being able to take her out, there are many other reasons such as safety, such as if some thing happends and you need to drive some where, next the tan and bulking up are you doing this for you or for her, if it is for you then great, else you should not need to change for some one else because that is not what love is about, also what about her, you said she is not happy about her weight so is she trying to loose it or what, also how do you feel about it.

If she wants you to change for her and not for you then tell her no, that she needs to accept you for who you are, is she is not happy with that the run don't walk run away and fast.

I have been married for over 20 years and I can tell you this, its not about changing the other person, its about accepting them and supporting them to better themselves as well as your self.

 

[simplegirl]

I don't know, but she still sounds unsure of what she wants. And pardon me for saying so, but it also sounds like she wants you to hang around waiting for her, while she sows her wild oats, so to speak. How terribly painful the mere thought of your SO wanting a separate bed, for those nights that she want to pick someone up . How are you supposed to feel, knowing she's chosen someone else that night and hearing them going at it? This isn't very considerate of your situation/feelings. Ouchy.

If she wants to up the kink in your sex life, gosh, you'll get plenty of ideas right here! Me and hubby never have a problem finding new and fun things to do in the bedroom and gosh knows, we haven't even done a tenth of the things we'll eventually try, and we've been together 20 years!

Variety, spice, kink, sure! But there's no reason to look outside the relationship for it. That's just an excuse to sleep around, IMO, and that will NOT help her self-esteem any.

You sound like a good guy, but your description just waved a whole lotta red flags for me. REALLY think this through. It's not just about what she wants, but also what YOU want. There has to be a middle ground there somewhere.

 

[wicked woman]

This is wrong on so many levels...and I'm not against non-monogamy so that's not it.


Ever heard of wanting to have your cake and eat it too?

Short answer:
Stay where you are until she has definitely decided what and who she wants out of life and don't move until it's you as you are.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

This is wrong on so many levels...and I'm not against non-monogamy so that's not it.


Ever heard of wanting to have your cake and eat it too?

Short answer:
Stay where you are until she has definitely decided what and who she wants out of life and don't move until it's you as you are.

Exactly right on the money. Honestly, she is taking so much, yet is giving nothing back. Let's just look at this for a second.

1. Wants you to move in with her. Not her to you.
2. She wants you to get a tan (if you lived in florida give it time) and bulk up.
3. Wants to have two rooms just in case she brings a guy over.
4. Wants to date others.

And you want to try and pass that off as love? There is open relationships, and then there is what Wicked said, having your cake and eatting it to. She wants it all. She is a big girl who is uncomfortable with that. So she has you around because you don't care. So she gets the love she needs, but on the other hand, she wants to be able to do other guys and if that happens, you get the boot. So if your girl brings home someone, you are suppose to leave? That isn't an open relationship to me. You wonder why people are not focusing on the tan and tone of your body? Well first off, look at what forum your own. Second, train harder and keep a good routine going. As for tan, by the lotion at the store, go to a tanning bed, or just give it time. Sometimes it takes long. But you see, it is not the main issue.

Your girl wants so much, yet is not giving back. As said before, having someone in your relationship now would kill it. You may have a fantasy about it, but I, and others will tell you, it will come back to kick you in the ass. Open relationships are for stable couples. VERY stable couples. You two are not stable. By your story, you visted 4 times, and lived together for a little then she left. But yet, and I really don't understand how this happens EVERYTIME, she realizes she still loves you..blah blah blah. Honestly, it's a load of crap. She misses the attention. Everything she is asking from you is an attention grabber. Tan and bulk up. She wants you to look good for her. Everything else is easy to see, she wants the attention from you, but also wants to be able to sample other things. She needs to go sample other things and you both need to figure out what is going on with you. Because as it stands, you are making the cake, putting the frosting on it, spending the money on it, for her to enjoy by herself. Maybe I am a greedy son of a bitch, but if I make it, I WANT SOME DAMN CAKE AS WELL!

 

[Cathleen]

Do not move. There are a lot of issues here on both sides and until there is resolution/agreement don't pack your toothbrush. Yet.

Simplegirl expressed much of how I'm seeing this. Are you willing to wait for someone to 'figure it out' so you will know what you'll do with your life? You have a responsibility to yourself to your live your life in a personally honest and respectful way -- we all do. It's not always easy, many times the right way/answer is the most difficult choice. Therein lies the rub.

How do YOU want to live YOUR life?

I'm somewhat sorry to say this but love is not enough to build a relationship. It took me many years to figure that out -- and a lot of pain. Love doesn't trump all (sometimes).

Welcome to Lit, you've already added much to the HT.

 

[an_angels_wings]

The reason she wants to sleep with other guys, according to her, is so that it makes our sex life more interesting and she thinks she can "learn" from other people so she can share with me and essentially be a better lover....

Watch porn.

Yes, porn is fantasy, and not reality ... but a lot of couples get ideas of things they might like to try from it. It honestly sounds like, yes, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She's seemingly got you hooked and wants to have you around, but when she's bored, screw a whole bunch of other people.

If she doesn't like the way you look, your size, or the fact that you don't drive (I'm supposing that there are several other things on this list, too) ... it just all seems too suspicious to me. Make her prove that she really wants you. I mean, unless you're fine with the whole open relationship thing (which I don't think you are, but you're wanting to do this for whatever reason), I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. You can't create your lover and/or life partner. Granted, with time together you each help one another become a better person and to hopefully achieve their goals in life ... but you cannot pick and choose and nitpick to create your "perfect" mate. It just doesn't work like that.

I'd sit tight for now, buddy.

 

[CadillacJack85]

Thanks for all the responses.

First off, I don't drive due to limited eyesight, so learning to drive is out of the question.

Secondly, we were deeply in love and passionate about each other up until a few months ago. She was living here with me in Louisiana 900+ miles from her own family. We enjoyed being with each other every day instead of visits every 3-5 months. But then she became stressed out, started sleeping alot, watching television and working. She was easily irritable and got bitchy a lot. I tried to just be there and give her space but she never told me what was wrong until it was too late. She felt she was no longer in love with me and broke up with me. Even after that, we bitched and argued a lot but we still spent time together and the three nights before she left we slept in the same bed and even had sex one night. Even before she made it home (a 14 hour drive) she called me and said she didn't want to leave and had made a mistake.

Now she's on a honesty kick and wants me to know everything she hasn't told me in the last few months. One of those things is, is that she thinks I'm too pale/skinny. But then she says she'd be alright if i just got a tan. She tells me she'd still have sex with, she's emotionaly and mentally attracted to me and "loves me". We talk daily and work more and more out, much as we can over the phone. Sometimes she's completely happy with just me and other times she expresses that she still wants a guy to be able to take her out. I am pretty damn sure that if she had not moved back back home we'd be fine now and we wouldn't be talking about having an "open relationship".

I was alright with the idea of an open relationship as long as we were responsible and safe about it but i'm not sure we're stable enough right now or at least she's not, to be secure with an open-relationship.

I'm not even sure if she knows what she's doing now. I feel sometimes she is using me as a security blanket for the attention while she satisfies herself with her guys. But everytime i try to make her see it from my view she tells me that she loves me and she'd never make the mistake of leaving me again.

I can honestly say she's nieve and superficial sometimes. I give her all the love, attention and support I can but she still wants things I cannot give her. I'm not sure why this happened so sudden because before a few months ago we were completely content with our whole relationship.

I'm actually doing the weight lifting for myself, I never bothered much with tanning though. But now I am interested in getting a little tanner just because I do think I am too pale.

I'm hoping we can work all this out in the next few months and she will be completely content with just having me and no one else. I agree that bringing someone else into the bedroom would be a bad idea and not because I can't handle it but because I don't think she's ready to handle it.

 

[TrojanMan77]

im thinking if u just change your number and dont ever contact her again you will be fine....if u dont and put up with all that crap from her all you are going to be is her little toy who she can throw to the corner when she doesnt wanna play with you.


run and dont look back.


i also wouldnt touch that with a 10 foot pole

 

[TrojanMan77]

im not even sure if she knows what she's doing now. I feel sometimes she is using me as a security blanket for the attention while she satisfies herself with her guys. But everytime i try to make her see it from my view she tells me that she loves me and she'd never make the mistake of leaving me again.

thats exactly what you are to her ...a security blanket. and she tells u that she loves you to make u feel better but then it happens all over again ....a neverending cycle.

 

[CadillacJack85]

No. Leaving her and not contacting her is not an option. She is still the girl I truly love and I'm willing to try and work out whatever problems she is going through right now.

We've been through too much and done to much for each other to just let this tear us apart.

 

[Starbuck69]

No. Leaving her and not contacting her is not an option. She is still the girl I truly love and I'm willing to try and work out whatever problems she is going through right now.

We've been through too much and done to much for each other to just let this tear us apart.

You say you love her, but Im not sure if she loves you, that fact that you are tanning and working out for you is great, there is nothing wrong with that as long as it is truley for you and not because that is what she wants.

When you tell her how you are feeling about it and then she tells you that she loves you only sounds like she is putting a guilt trip on you so you will continue to feed you what she needs (attention, love) right now.

Its great that you are doing your best to work this out, but there is only so much that you can do, suggest giving her space because she needs to really figure out what she wants, it does not sound like she even knows yet, also don't let her control you and don't even think about moving unless the move is for you not her, at this point I suspect she may think she loves you but wants to be near her family so she could leave you easier if needed such as finding some one else that she loves even more.

Thats the "I can honestly say she's nieve and superficial sometimes" you are talking about.

 

[erodream351]

xxxxx

 

[FurryFury]

Flip this script:

Can you imagine how much shit a guy would take on this board saying to his gf that her body was pale and unattractive? That she needed to bulk up or lose weight? That she needed to move in with him but he wanted his own room to fuck other women to help with THEIR sex life?

Think about it.

Fury

 

[Eilan]

Can you imagine how much shit a guy would take on this board saying to his gf that her body was pale and unattractive? That she needed to bulk up or lose weight? That she needed to move in with him but he wanted his own room to fuck other women to help with THEIR sex life?

That's a very good point, Fury, and that's why I've started to type out a response a few times and then backed out.

 

[an_angels_wings]

'Twould be completely effed up. I'm not agreeing with her "demands." I think he likes the fact that now she's being honest with him and now they're working out a lot of the problems and concerns that she didn't voice when they were living together. I have a feeling that this little honeymoon phase of excitement in that he thinks they're making progress, won't last very long.

 

[emap]

Ummmm well WOW. I suppose you should be glad I did not find this thread yesterday. I was in a worse mood yesterday.

First let's talk about what she wants you to do to yourself, get a tan while being sometimes an honest your blinding me without a shirt on statement, combined with bulk up tells me one thing. She is not attracted to you, she likes your cock, she likes the fact you do things for her.

She wants you to drive, she ignores the fact you are short sighted and basically unable to drive, she just wants you to drive. That tells me, she wants you to be able to drive her around because she is to lazy to do it herself.

Now about your phone conversations, when you bring up things she does not want to talk about, she says I love you and changes the subject right? Does she tell you she is sleeping with other people? I get the impression she has told you from reading your statements, though even if she has not told you I am about 99% sure she is.

The one thing that tells me all I really needed to know about your girlfriend was the two bedrooms in case she brings a guy home, that is not a loving relationship, that is a fuck buddy roommate relationship. Not one tiny little thing in that one statement says she loves you, not much else says she does either, including the phone conversations where she says it.

You strike me as something of a battered wife, everyone is pointing out she is not with you, you are a fall back guy and you keep defending her and saying you love her, she is having problems. Ok, stop thinking that way, when was the last time she did something that screamed she is in love with you that DID NOT involve her saying it on the phone? How much of her stuff is still at your place? Did she pack up every little tiny thing that is hers? YOu said she called you on the drive, a 14 hour drive, hello that is 'I am so freaking bored I will call somebody,' you probably were the 14th number she tried.

Trust me on this, I see peices of me in her, you do not want to keep trying, you want to stop waiting for her, stop planning on moving in and stop trying to work out issues. She does not love you, she is using you in case she cannot get a guy to ride her that night.

 

[southernsky]

she sounds like a total bitch. she's going to see how far she can push you before you break in half, and then she's probably going to point and laugh. Why don't you stand up for yourself and make some rules that YOU are comfortable with? Do you want to be with someone who is so fickle that some muscles and a tan magically make you desirable to her? What a load of shit! Tell her that you are a WYSIWYG type interface, and that's how the real world works. She can't custom order you like a cheeseburger- yes I'd like one man please, extra tan, extra muscles, and hold the nuts please.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm coming to this from the perspective of having a loving, open relationship, and have to say, I can't see any way how what you two are considering could work.

In my experience, it only works well when BOTH people REALLY want it. It doesn't sound like you're all that crazy about this idea, and are mostly considering it for her.

It works well when there is open and honest communication. That means you two would have to be able to come to each other with problems/concerns, have them heard and addressed. The fact that you've voiced concerns and she's avoided them doesn't bode well for the future.

It works well when there is mutual love and respect. That means being considerate of each other and compromising. You said it yourself, she's vacillated on loving you and hasn't been considerate of your needs. Even if she hadn't said a thing about loving you, her actions say she doesn't. Perhaps she loves the idea of you, but it doesn't sound like she loves you for who you are, and that's a real problem.

It works well when the foundation is an extremely solid relationship. It sounds like you recognize it'll be problematic if you try to do this while on shaky ground, so I won't elaborate, other than to say, think about your comment that you probably wouldn't be considering this if it hadn't gone downhill.

And, I think it only works well when the desire is coming from an organic place in each person. We opened our relationship because I realized being able to love more than one person was a part of who I was. He was okay with that, and recognized his ability and desire to have the same opportunity, NOT because he was afraid he'd be alone or lose me if he didn't agree. At the most basic level, each of us want the other to be as happy as possible, and we figured this might be something that would increase our happiness together. We had been together in a very solid relationship for a long time, and knew trying little by little wasn't going to harm our foundation, so we went for it.

I can't imagine proposing living together and having separate rooms to my (future) spouse. I didn't (and still don't) consider having sex with anyone else until my husband's clear that he's completely comfortable with the situation. At that point, we go with what works for him best, whether it's me spending the night elsewhere, or him sleeping in another bed in our home, or him being involved in some capacity. We have, and always will, go out of our way to make sure we're both comfortable.

As for wanting someone to make changes, I tell my husband I find him especially attractive when he does X or Y to make him feel good and positively reinforce what I like. I try to motivate him to improve his diet and exercise to relieve stress because I love him and he has a family history of diseases that are affected by those things. I wouldn't tell him I didn't find features attractive because I think that would hurt his feelings/self-esteem, and I wouldn't be with him if I didn't find him utterly attractive.


I think it'd be really good for you to tell her you want to take a break, remain close friends, and reassess the relationship in a certain period of time. Then, she can focus on getting well and go get the experience she seems to want without it impacting your relationship and you hanging on the line. You could always have an open relationship if you decide you want to give it another shot. You both deserve time and space to work out what you really want in a relationship.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Mansa Musa]

No. Leaving her and not contacting her is not an option. She is still the girl I truly love and I'm willing to try and work out whatever problems she is going through right now.

We've been through too much and done to much for each other to just let this tear us apart.

You love her, but she doesn´t love you. Think about that.

 

[mississippiGuy]

she is a fat bitch.. if your gonna hook up with a bitch at least make it a skinny attractive one..

she's physo.. change your number and run far far away..