yukonnights
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2007
- Posts
- 3,894
Hi again. I took a quick peek at #9. I think you have improved.
My first suggestion is that you need to find a "buddy", another writer/author who you can share proof-reading duties with. Most of us overlook our own mistakes — it's just the way it is. We end up reading what we thought we wrote sometimes — not what we actually wrote. There are a few dialogue "rules" broken. For example; in dialogue, there is usually a comma at the end quoted words if there is a speech tag like 'she said' , etc.
Like this-> "Mike, I really like that suit, but the high-top basketball shoes make you look like a circus clown," I said in the kindest way possible.
I noticed you typically used a full stop period in place of that comma. A proof-reader buddy probably would catch most of these oversights.
****
My next suggestion: At some point, I hope you try the first person present tense point of view.
In the snippet below from your story, you can see that you're writing in the third person present tense. I'm going to drop down under your snippet and try some first person to give you more of an idea what I'm saying.
She lets the hot water cascade from the waterfall head over her head and body before applying some shower gel. Her mind is drifting as her hands rub the gel over her body lathering herself. The last day and a half have blown her mind by introducing her to lesbian sex with Sue and the incredible sensations she has felt being exhibited in latex and tied up in bondage. As she thinks about it, she can feel her body respond, her nipples hardening and the flush of dampness growing in her vagina. "Christ." she says to herself "Why does being tied up made me so horny; what is wrong with me?"
***
I let the hot water cascade from the waterfall shower-head over my head and body before applying some shower gel. My mind is drifting as my hands rub the gel over my body lathering myself. The last day and a half have blown my mind by introducing me to lesbian sex with Sue and the incredible sensations I've felt being exhibited in latex and tied up in bondage. As I think about it, I can feel my body respond, my nipples harden and the flush of dampness growing in my vagina. "Christ." I say to myself "Why does being tied up make me so horny; what is wrong with me?"
(side note: For what it's worth, I would have suggested that you delete 'from the waterfall head' in that first sentence —> I let the hot water cascade from the shower over my head and body... (no biggy though)
***
PS: since the reader knows it's "you" doing the talking, why not do this–> "Christ. Why does being tied up make me so horny; what is wrong with me?"
In more words; The "you" character has been talking in a silent head voice (thoughts) for the entire paragraph. Thus, we're already in tune to who suddenly says a few audible words as shown in the "spoken word" quotes = no speech tag needed to slow down the flow.
***
In my view, you have great stories to share. Hope some of my thoughts help in some small way.
My first suggestion is that you need to find a "buddy", another writer/author who you can share proof-reading duties with. Most of us overlook our own mistakes — it's just the way it is. We end up reading what we thought we wrote sometimes — not what we actually wrote. There are a few dialogue "rules" broken. For example; in dialogue, there is usually a comma at the end quoted words if there is a speech tag like 'she said' , etc.
Like this-> "Mike, I really like that suit, but the high-top basketball shoes make you look like a circus clown," I said in the kindest way possible.
I noticed you typically used a full stop period in place of that comma. A proof-reader buddy probably would catch most of these oversights.
****
My next suggestion: At some point, I hope you try the first person present tense point of view.
In the snippet below from your story, you can see that you're writing in the third person present tense. I'm going to drop down under your snippet and try some first person to give you more of an idea what I'm saying.
She lets the hot water cascade from the waterfall head over her head and body before applying some shower gel. Her mind is drifting as her hands rub the gel over her body lathering herself. The last day and a half have blown her mind by introducing her to lesbian sex with Sue and the incredible sensations she has felt being exhibited in latex and tied up in bondage. As she thinks about it, she can feel her body respond, her nipples hardening and the flush of dampness growing in her vagina. "Christ." she says to herself "Why does being tied up made me so horny; what is wrong with me?"
***
I let the hot water cascade from the waterfall shower-head over my head and body before applying some shower gel. My mind is drifting as my hands rub the gel over my body lathering myself. The last day and a half have blown my mind by introducing me to lesbian sex with Sue and the incredible sensations I've felt being exhibited in latex and tied up in bondage. As I think about it, I can feel my body respond, my nipples harden and the flush of dampness growing in my vagina. "Christ." I say to myself "Why does being tied up make me so horny; what is wrong with me?"
(side note: For what it's worth, I would have suggested that you delete 'from the waterfall head' in that first sentence —> I let the hot water cascade from the shower over my head and body... (no biggy though)
***
PS: since the reader knows it's "you" doing the talking, why not do this–> "Christ. Why does being tied up make me so horny; what is wrong with me?"
In more words; The "you" character has been talking in a silent head voice (thoughts) for the entire paragraph. Thus, we're already in tune to who suddenly says a few audible words as shown in the "spoken word" quotes = no speech tag needed to slow down the flow.
***
In my view, you have great stories to share. Hope some of my thoughts help in some small way.
