New, confused and alone.

[LunaticLorraine]

I know the title sounds pathetic but it's true.
That's why I'm doing something about it.
I'm new confused and alone. I just really need someone who will understand my thoughts and feelings even when I don't.
I found out about BDSM through porn. I found it and... well yeah. Liked what I saw.
Then I started to read stories here.
And all I know is that I like it. It feels.. right to me.
I feel like I want/need something like this.
I think I'm a submissive, and to be quite honest it fits in with my personality.
I'm submissive socially as well as sexually. I dont know if this is normal for a submissive, thats why I need someone to talk to.
There are, obviously, loads of things I'm confused about.
And I feel terribly alone. I tried to talk to a friend about it, and even though she didn't judge me for it, she couldnt really help.
I am also, quite young, well I suppose conpared to other people I am. I'm eighteen.
I am also a Lesbian.
So... I'd really like to talk to other lesbian subs/Domme's
Just a friend, who can understand the things going through my head, because I sure as hell don't.
Thanks... And please be nice I'm actually well scared about even posting this.

 

[PeterBWilde]

Good luck in your journey Lorraine. I'm interested in the life as well but don't know where to start either. We joke about it quite a bit at work and a couple of the girls have admitted to wanting to try but get skittish if invited to..... oh well some day.
PM me and let me know how your adventure goes.
P

 

[ladyJ154]

hi...

your not as alone as you think... it can take time to get used to what you really like...just stay honest..i hope you find the answers your looking for

 

[graceanne]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

What gracie said. Welcome to the Forum. Read here, read through the Library (or at least the topics that sound that they might be of interest to you), read through the Café, and ask questions. Few of the people here will bite (at least online ), and most are happy to share their experiences, knowledge and feelings. All of us were at some time "new and alone," and most were at some point(s) confused, so we pretty well know (generally speaking) where you're coming from.

Good luck on your journey. It should only last, ohhhh.... the rest of your life.

 

[Primalex]

I don't believe in 18 year old lesbians.

 

[DVS]

I know the title sounds pathetic but it's true.
That's why I'm doing something about it.
I'm new confused and alone. I just really need someone who will understand my thoughts and feelings even when I don't.
I found out about BDSM through porn. I found it and... well yeah. Liked what I saw.
Then I started to read stories here.
And all I know is that I like it. It feels.. right to me.
I feel like I want/need something like this.
I think I'm a submissive, and to be quite honest it fits in with my personality.
I'm submissive socially as well as sexually. I dont know if this is normal for a submissive, thats why I need someone to talk to.
There are, obviously, loads of things I'm confused about.
And I feel terribly alone. I tried to talk to a friend about it, and even though she didn't judge me for it, she couldnt really help.
I am also, quite young, well I suppose conpared to other people I am. I'm eighteen.
I am also a Lesbian.
So... I'd really like to talk to other lesbian subs/Domme's
Just a friend, who can understand the things going through my head, because I sure as hell don't.
Thanks... And please be nice I'm actually well scared about even posting this.

Hello. I'm not a lesbian, and I'm not young. But I do understand being alone and confused. Don't let this get to you. It's just something you're going through. It will get better.

I'm sure someone who can better relate to your situation will post here. Until then, browse some of the threads. I know the library isn't doing as well as it use to, because some of the links to images have been lost. But, the information is still there.

You might be new, but that's no big deal. Everybody is new every now and then. You're young. I wish I could say that. But, I do remember how it was to be young...to be new. I know it can even seem a little scary.

I know you're confused right now. I've been confused, too. Young and confused tend to go together sometimes, when you're trying to understand something and you can't find anybody who feels the same way.

But you're not alone. Stick around. I think you've found a pretty good place to find out some answers. Oh. and welcome to the forum!

 

[ultramarineblue]

As the previous people have said, welcome. Read as much as you can. Ask questions. Take your time and build trust before doing anything with anyone.

 

[Raisa_Greywood]

I don't believe in 18 year old lesbians.

Something like Santa Claus for you then, Primalex?

Bella

 

[graceanne]

Silly us, we forgot to mention the important stuff:

Ignore primalex, he likes to piss people off

Ignore bloved, he's a troll and won't last very long. do not take his views as the gospel truth for all of us.

 

[Raisa_Greywood]

Silly us, we forgot to mention the important stuff:

Ignore primalex, he likes to piss people off

Ignore bloved, he's a troll and won't last very long. do not take his views as the gospel truth for all of us.

Yes, but sometimes Primalex is entertaining...

Bella

 

[graceanne]

Yes, but sometimes Primalex is entertaining...

Bella

Oh, definitely. And he's not always like that, sometimes he's serious.

 

[DVS]

Be sure you can trust someone before you allow them any kind of control over you. It's not easy being a new submissive. Before you can have any fun, you have to trust someone. Just don't cut any corners with that.

Trust in a BDSM relationship is very important. People will tell you trust is important in any relationship and that's true. But a BDSM relationship is unique. If you are going to allow someone to tie you up, you'd better be sure you can trust them.

And a simple word of caution. Don't feed some of the regulars. They'll just end up hanging around more.

 

[graceanne]

And a simple word of caution. Don't feed some of the regulars. They'll just end up hanging around more.

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/lit%20images/bptth.gif

 

[BLoved]

I am also, quite young, well I suppose conpared to other people I am. I'm eighteen.
I am also a Lesbian.
So... I'd really like to talk to other lesbian subs/Domme's
Just a friend, who can understand the things going through my head, because I sure as hell don't.
Thanks... And please be nice I'm actually well scared about even posting this.

~smile~

Not here more than 24 hours and already people are telling you what to do.

You have a good plan, Lorraine, and I hope you stick to it.

You are going to find a lot of people willing to 'help' you. Very few of them will be sincere. Already several people with axes to grind are using your request as a platform for their personal grudges.

Patience is an asset whenever dealing with anyone claiming to be involved in bdsm. It can help sort out those who would use you from those who will help you.

For a lot of people, using and abusing others is what 'bdsm' is all about. For a few, bdsm is an expression of love.

I wrote the following as advice for submissives seeking a beloved. While some of it won't apply to a person seeking a friend, I think you may find most of it helpful.

Take care and may Love light your path.

--

A few tips for Submissives questing for a Beloved

As most everyone knows, there is a lot of non-consensual manipulation on any bdsm board.

Whether it is the wannabes, or a clique of posters who bully their way around the boards, there are more than enough people who see nothing wrong with non-consensual manipulation: providing they are the ones doing the manipulating.

Their targets: anyone with insecurities and/or low self-esteem.

While it is debatable whether those with insecurities and low self-esteem should even engage in bdsm, the fact remains they -are- here, they will seek, and they will likely find someone.

Whether that "someone" is a god-send or an abuser is another matter.

The first step in handling manipulators (there is no avoiding them) is to have as clear an idea as possible about who you are and what you want.

Who you are
Those with insecurities and/or low self-esteem have a horrible time with this question. For whatever reason, they have a biased view of themselves, quite often deeming themselves lucky to have anyone at all and quite willing to change anything in order to obtain approval from others.

Not good. This is how you get manipulated into all sorts of things you never wanted to experience and never dreamed anyone would seek from you.

There is an enormous difference between someone who will do anything because that's what they want, and someone who will do anything to attract a partner.

Don't be the latter. That's how you end up getting abused. And then you blame yourself for the abuse (after all you agreed, right?). This further reduces your self-esteem, and the cycle comes full circle when you do it all over again.

To avoid this, make a pact with yourself to decide what you want and to stick to it no matter how many people say "I'd want you if only this were different".

Those people are not leading you to your dream.

What you want
This is essentially a two-day process.

The first day, write down all the qualities you want to find in your partner. Nothing is too insignificant, nothing is too unreasonable. It is your dream list, and you should prepare it with pride and confidence.

Read it over through the day, adding or changing whatever seems appropriate for you.

Then sleep on it.

Next day, read that list again. Is everything there? You are bound to find things you overlooked. Perhaps these are things you felt no one should expect: expect it anyway.

Make that list as complete as possible: it is your checklist, not just for the partner of your dreams, but also to ward off those who will pressure you to accept them instead.

Running the ad
Bottom line - the checklist is the ad. You can post it as is, or write it out in prose and poetry. You needn't include everything on your list, but everything on your list will still count for you. Remember your pact to yourself. This is how you keep yourself from being lured with promises of companionship if only you'd do things you don't really want to do.

Expect everyone to say they like what you like. No way to tell the real from the fake at this point. They will all say they like what you wrote.

So before you answer, do a little homework.

Examine their profile
If it lacks details, that is a stroke against them. They can just as easily answer -any- ad as yours with no details posted.

Interests listed that you want to avoid, another stroke against them. Perhaps they're flexible about those activities, or perhaps they didn't bother to read your ad, or they don't care what you want. Be wary.

Age, location, appearance etc, compare with your checklist.

If they don't have a picture, ask for one. Do not make -any- commitment without one.

Inquiries and Responses
Manners always count. be sure to use yours, and expect it from others. You don't belong to anyone but yourself, and have assumed no role in anyone's life. You should be treated as such, regardless of what your ad says.

It is up to you to give others permission to treat you differently. They should know this if they know what they are doing.

Aside from what many people have said, short introductory notes are fine as long as they are directing you to read a detailed profile/journal. Keep in mind those who are seriously searching will have put the time in on their profile, and it is unreasonable to expect them to re-write it when introducing themselves to you.

Whatever you send out, re-read it twice to be sure you've weeded out anything that sounds desperate or needy. Your search only requires one promise from you eventually: to meet the person who fits your checklist. Don't issue any other promise, nor make promises to meet anyone else.

Bear in mind the only way anyone is going to trust you is by the promises you keep. Show that your word means a lot to you and their trust will be easier to obtain.

If you must break a promise to meet, do so before the date and request a new date (assuming you are not breaking your promise because you've just discovered the individual in question is not the right choice). If you were forced to break a promise without being able to give notice, apologize as soon as possible, explain the cause (assuming discretion permits it) and request a new date.

While no promise should be broken, it is not always possible to keep them. Be sure you limit yourself to only one such incident per individual, as a pattern of broken promises will not give the individual in question much reason to believe you.

This is one good reason for making promises as scarce as possible.

Requests
No doubt there will be plenty of these, from pictures to online sex to webcams to ...

Consider the degree of familiarity that exists when the request is made. Do you feel comfortable agreeing to this, or are you doing it to keep their interest?

Avoid the latter.

You should never agree to a request with which you are uncomfortable.

Bear in mind there is nothing wrong with a request (depending upon the way in which it is asked), and there is nothing wrong with refusing a request.

It is strictly a matter of your comfort level.

Temptations / changing your mind
There is no easy way to address this topic.

I said earlier that your checklist was your way of avoiding being abused and/or used.

However, you are going to be tempted to change your mind from time to time.

It may be new ideas that appeal to you. It may be a bout of loneliness that weakens your resolve. It may be the individual is playing on your insecurities.

Whatever you do, do not change your checklist without a struggle.

I suggest that whatever changes you might wish to make should go through that two-day process you used to generate the checklist in the first place. Give serious thought to why you wrote the checklist the way you did and how the changes will affect the outcome for you: will you be happy with that person living that way?

This is not to say you should never change your checklist, only to recognize that it is in these changes that the potential for undesirable results exists.

So be careful with this.

Self-esteem
There really is no substitute for self-esteem. If you think poorly of yourself, spend some time working out why you feel this way. Perhaps writing out a list of qualities that cause you to think this way. Now put yourself in the shoes of your best friend and look over that list, and imagine what he or she would say were he or she reading it.

Hearing a lot of disagreement? Most likely. Those with low self-esteem rarely deserve to feel as they do. But through a variety of means they have been taught that their opinion of themselves is less important than the opinion of others. They fail to take into account their accomplishments, and magnify their mistakes. They tend to blame themselves for the faults of others, and certainly focus on their own faults almost to the exclusion of any good qualities they have.

We all have faults. We all stumble. We all make mistakes from time to time. Do not hold your humanity against you. If you are not a vicious person, have not gone out of your way to hurt others, wish to love and be loved, you have many excellent qualities that you should value. Are you good with children and pets? Do you want to help those in need? You cry and laugh at all the appropriate points in a movie? Look at all the little things you do to make the lives of others more enjoyable, and you will find someone worth knowing, worth loving.

Embrace who you are, and who you want to become.

And keep in mind something I like to believe (whether it be true or not, no one ever knows):

Somewhere out there is your partner, and he or she is feeling just as empty and lonely as you, because you aren't in his or her life. That's the person you are looking for. That's your Beloved. If you give up, or settle for less, your Beloved wanders the earth without you, always missing you. And you cannot achieve all you can be with someone who is not suited for you.

That's why you make a pact with yourself to stick with your checklist: to find your Beloved and so your Beloved can find you.

________________________________________

Will this protect everyone? Probably not. Human interactions are the most complex and there is no categorizing all of those which can lead to abuse.

But I do believe the advice above will help some find the path to a healthier self-image and thus be less vulnerable to manipulation.

Wishing you a safe journey through life.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

~smile~

Please don't listen to him.

He is a manipulative, controlling, possessive, and abusive Dom.

 

[Dearelliot]

I was about to say...I doubt you will recieve much help here..as to be sure its hard to separate the good from the bad from the stupid ..but I have to say BLoved offered some good thoughts...

 

[Etoile]

Welcome! You're not alone, I'm a lesbian submissive as well. A bit older than you (29) but I'm back in college so I socialize with a lot of people your age. Can I suggest you turn on PMs?

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I was about to say...I doubt you will recieve much help here..as to be sure its hard to separate the good from the bad from the stupid ..but I have to say BLoved offered some good thoughts...

Honestly, yes. There's a lot there to consider when you're meeting people.

I personally don't like the whimsical nature of the 'your Beloved is wandering the Earth' stuff, but to each their own, some will like it.

I think though, that a lot of these points should also be applied in person. Meeting people online, answering one on one personals is not the *only* way to go.

There's a world of opportunity out there, you'd be crazy to deny yourself any part of it.

 

[CutieMouse]

~smile~

Not here more than 24 hours and already people are telling you what to do.

You have a good plan, Lorraine, and I hope you stick to it.

You are going to find a lot of people willing to 'help' you. Very few of them will be sincere. Already several people with axes to grind are using your request as a platform for their personal grudges.

Patience is an asset whenever dealing with anyone claiming to be involved in bdsm. It can help sort out those who would use you from those who will help you.

For a lot of people, using and abusing others is what 'bdsm' is all about. For a few, bdsm is an expression of love.

I wrote the following as advice for submissives seeking a beloved. While some of it won't apply to a person seeking a friend, I think you may find most of it helpful.

Take care and may Love light your path.

<snip>

Will this protect everyone? Probably not. Human interactions are the most complex and there is no categorizing all of those which can lead to abuse.

But I do believe the advice above will help some find the path to a healthier self-image and thus be less vulnerable to manipulation.

Wishing you a safe journey through life.

Please don't listen to him.

He is a manipulative, controlling, possessive, and abusive Dom.

Sigh.

LunaticLorraine, please pardon the current drama on the boards between BL and some other posters. People should have better manners than to disrupt your thread with thier grievances.

D2ML - Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

BL actually offers some practical advice in his very very long post. (Although he does fails to mention that he made a lifetime commitment to someone after three weeks only knowing them [not wise IMO], or offer any alternative to meet someone other than online [where it can be difficult to confirm the truth sitting on the other side of the computer], but there actually was a lot of practical advice there...

I have met partners online in the past, and utilized things like knowing what I did and didn't want in a lover, BDSM checklists, my own comfort levels, etc to decide who to get to know better. I also asked a lot of questions here over the years, did a lot of reading (there's a long list of kink-topic books on my blog linked in my profile), etc.

I went to a munch or two (a "vanilla" dinner for like minded people - where there is no pressure, no sex, no public BDSM; just a chance to meet other people. A lot of local munches have a TNG (The Next Generation) group for people under 35, too.

If you're at college you might ask around your local GBLT center to see if anyone knows about munches, lecture series, demos, weekend seminars, etc.

But the best thing I ever did was work on being the strongest, best me that I could be. I figured out how to say no thank you. I formed my own opinions. I explored what made me tick [submissively]. I worried more about being "whole" and well rounded than finding someone - and in the end I found someone without utilizing any BDSM channels at all. LOL

 

[Etoile]

If you're at college you might ask around your local GBLT center to see if anyone knows about munches, lecture series, demos, weekend seminars, etc.

It's unlikely that a college GLBT group would have information about kink activities. At my university, kink is kept far away from the GLBT group's discussions; there seems to be an unwillingness to be associated with "Those People" - though of course things may be different where Lorraine is.

Lorraine, turn on your PMs, if you can?

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

D2ML - Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

I know. And I apologize to LunaticLorraine.

But I also did it to show that even "helpful" Doms/Dommes can still have an ulterior motive. She shouldn't automatically trust a Dom/Domme just because they are trying to help and seem nice.

Don't trust too easily or too quickly.

 

[Netzach]

Honestly, yes. There's a lot there to consider when you're meeting people.

I personally don't like the whimsical nature of the 'your Beloved is wandering the Earth' stuff, but to each their own, some will like it.

I think though, that a lot of these points should also be applied in person. Meeting people online, answering one on one personals is not the *only* way to go.

There's a world of opportunity out there, you'd be crazy to deny yourself any part of it.

I can't agree more. I personally find that seeing the whites of their eyes is critical when it comes to figuring out if you are being bullshat.

It's nice, too.

But FFS, I'm unsure if "finding a partner" is really what this post is about so much as "I want a sounding board for the stuff in my head"

Which sounds like a healthy first things first kind of step.

 

[Netzach]

It's unlikely that a college GLBT group would have information about kink activities. At my university, kink is kept far away from the GLBT group's discussions; there seems to be an unwillingness to be associated with "Those People" - though of course things may be different where Lorraine is.

Lorraine, turn on your PMs, if you can?

This followed my experience as well. The queer women's community can be VERY non-accepting of kink - depending on the personalities involved of course.

 

[Primalex]

BL actually offers some practical advice in his very very long post.

He just completely reposted his "story" "Questing for a Beloved". Of course, if he wouldn't have deleted it, he could have used a plain link - but hey, this wouldn't generate enough attention.

This doesn't make the contents wrong, but it's just his traditional plain repetition showing here.