LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

New Sub Seeking Advice and Outlet

CutieMouse said:
There are people who would disagree with my perspective on this, but at the end of the day, even in the most devoted, protocol heavy D/s or M/s relationship, you are still responsible for you. Which means even in your most submissive moments, there still has to be a degree of self-preservation.



This is pretty common, also. A lot of pyls get interested in D/s, but the way it works in their head/fantasies, is not how it works in real life, which can cause frustration.

In a newly exploring pyl's mind, the perfect PYL may just magically know how to read the pyl's mind and give them what they want/create kinky scenarios that feel like submission [but at their core are simply feeding a desire for sexual exploration - not that there's anything wrong with that]. It makes the online domly dude really appealing because it all seems so personal... but odds are just as good the person on the other end of the computer screen is nothing more than someone with a creative mind, or a person who has "studied" enough BDSM erotica and/or online forums to know how to get what they want from a pyl.

[cue sub frenzy]

Sometimes when a newly exploring pyl isn't seeing dominance from her partner (husband), it's because she's comparing him to her only "experience" of BDSM - usually influenced by erotic literature, BDSM forums, or online exploration - all of which are fictional (for lack of a better term). The hairbrush never accidentally goes flying across the room during a cyber-spanking. Ropes never pinch. Legs never cramp. Kids don't discover your sex toy stash. You don't have to serve and submit, even when you're pissed off that he decided to have drinks with the guys at the last minute.

At the same time, he's dealing with a society that has told him since toddlerhood that doing XYZ to a woman is wrong and abusive. Men have a LOT of social conditioning to overcome, even when the women in their lives are begging for it. It's usually a difficult time for them, because they're dealing with "I can't do ___ because ____", or "I can't treat my wife, whom I love, like ____" AND the worry that their wives sudden desire to explore sexually means their partner is unhappy in bed, or may even be thinking about cheating.

(BTW, personal opinion - if your husband knows you're D/s curious, but doesn't know you're having explicit conversations with someone online whom you describe the way you did in the OP? That, in my book, classifies as an emotional affair... which can be just as devastating to a marriage as a physical affair.)

An established couple also has all the complications of an established relationship to deal with. Aside from bills, kids, work, etc... do they have similar interest in D/s? Similar views/philosophies? Similar goals? What if she thinks D/s means asking permission (because he's the dominant!), and he has zero interest in micromanagement or sees D/s as an opportunity to delegate and make his life easier? What if one of them sees it as bedroom only, and the other an overarching 24/7 sot of thing? What if both are on board for exploring sexually, but don't have many overlapping kinks?

My usual advice is to give it time, and try both lower expectations and avoid comparison... then simply submit. Graciously, whenever possible. Does he like you to dress a certain way? Try that. Would he enjoy a specific thing in bed more often? Give it to him. Is he willing to do some D/s things? Instead of critiquing him or being disappointed, manifest an attitude of pleasure and thankfulness than he's trying. Encourage him - "I really loved it when you spanked me/pulled my hair/held me down last night... you can do that anytime you like..." Order in pizza, open a bottle of wine and go over one of those silly online BDSM checklists - just for shits and giggles. It might help you communicate, instead of talk (it should also be good for quite a few chuckles, or even end with a few orgasms. ;) )

Could you still end up sexually incompatible? Yep. But that is less likely to happen if you compassionately invest, recognizing you husband is trying, instead of diverting sexual and relationship energy into an online PYL who isn't willing to respect your boundaries.


pyl = submissive, slave, bottom, etc
PYL = dominant, top, master, etc
Click to expand...


THIS^^^^^^^ In every way. He's not a mind reader, and real life is not a romance novel.

It took my now Husband/Master a while to realize I crave hard, fast, rough sex. He was afraid he would go too hard and I would get mad. Over time he realized there's no such thing as too hard in my book. But it took time and communication. Then we started exploring kink, particularly impact play. We've been working up slowly, we've had some really wonderful scenes, but it wasn't to the intensity or length I wanted because he was afraid of pushing me too far and breaking that trust (or me).

We joined the community, went to several munches and play parties and made friends. One of which is a service Top well known in the community who hosts a number of classes in impact and knife play. He's a Sadist, and enjoys playing with an array of people. Because of this he's excellent at reading people during play and feeling out someone's limits and taking them just to that edge.

We met with him several times, always together, in public, with another mutual friend of ours. We negotiated a scene to be carried out in private at said mutual friends home. He showed my Master a few techniques for impact and a few points on my body language, then set to work on me. It was a two hour scene, and was amazing. My Master was so proud and realized, if done safely on his end, he won't break me. He saw how to work me to sub space, increase intensity to that edge before backing off again. Now that his fear is gone we can set to work playing together and communicating in scene to get what we both want. My ass beat without him having to hold back because of fear.

It's been a slow brew to get here, over two years now. It's been hard, and we still aren't perfect in our play. But I'm being patient because he's trying so hard and really wants to explore this with me. But he has so many social norms to break free from. And I know, with time, he'll be beating my ass with the sure confidence that the service Top did in no time, so long as we communicate and move forward cautiously.


As far as when to decide to play, if you're wanting something outside the bedroom but don't want to tell him that you're looking for a more dominant hand use a sign.

For us I have a discreet day collar I wear for munches in vanilla settings where I can't wear my slave collar. When I'm feeling like being dominated I wear that day collar around the house. When he sees it on me, he knows I'm wanting to play our roles without me having to say a word. Just a suggestion.
 
I love your story, MastersDelight!

This newbie info should be a sticky. So much good stuff.
 
cookiecat said:
I love your story, MastersDelight!

This newbie info should be a sticky. So much good stuff.
Click to expand...

Hahaha thanks! And I second the sticky vote. If you wanna see my damage pics I have them up on Fet. The bruises are STILL not all the way in and we played on Saturday.
 
wicked woman said:
Pushing past my hard limit is disrespectful and another hard limit for me. Hard limits are set for a reason. If after a while, in a relationship, the two of us agree to check in with each other and see if those limits have changed and they have, then it's fair game. But it's never a unilateral decision by the other person. Reminds me of 'No means no'.

Personally, I'd be very leery if I was in your shoes. It wouldn't work for me.
Click to expand...

I agree. Please do not do anything you are uncomfortable with.

Please familiarize yourself with the difference between BDSM and abuse.

http://www.bdsmtrainingacademy.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/TheDifferenceBetweenBDSMAndAbuse.jpg
 
I’m very happy to report that I have found an amazing new Master and I’m so happy to be owned. A much better option this time. 😁
 
Very pleased

When I started reading this thread a lot of red flags came to mind. I am a Dom, so my nature is to view from that perspective.

Hard Limits may or may not be defined in stone. They may be drawn in the sand. With that analogy, you can see why some Doms will push a limit that is set to deem whether the limit is in stone or sand.

Now we all have hard limits, at least we should. We should never break the law in regards to safety towards others. However, each of us Doms and Subs need time to process those. If your partner will not allow the time to process your feelings and giving you space. Then it can be harmful in other ways.

This life-style should allow each person to grow and give them the support they need. If not then you are in an abusive relationship.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

J
advice on ball stretcher and crusher
2
Replies
27
Views
1K
Dabs999
D
S
Online Dom/Sub relationship
Replies
1
Views
208
cascadiabound
cascadiabound
B
Gags
Replies
3
Views
183
lowcollar
L
L
Do subs struggle not to laugh? What happens when they do?
Replies
16
Views
494
lilmissdarling
lilmissdarling
Wolfs_Moon
Hello world. This is me…
Replies
0
Views
274
Wolfs_Moon
Wolfs_Moon
Back
Top