no pleasure from sex

[Youngin20]

okay, this one is tought for me. REALLY tough. My girlfriend and I have been together and sexualy active for about 4 1/2 months and I find out that she gets nothing, and I mean NOTHING, out of sex. She doesn't get horny at all. She gets wet and looks (vaginaly of course) fairly aroused I guess, but she has never really gotten much out of sex. Granted, she has orgasmed once before when she had a sexual encounter with another girl. She gave her oral sex and fingered her and eventually got her to come......but when I do all that it does nothing. She gets a tiny, tiny bit of pleasure out of oral sex when I do it but not enough to do anything major. She is a very stubborn girl and she gets emberassed by alot of sexual things but I really want to get her to come. I know the problem doesn't lie with me cuz (not to toot my own horn or anything but...) I've brought girls to very nice orgasms before but.....this is one is a toughie. Any advice, suggestions or hints? I'm dyin' here. I want her to come so she'll be more inclined to have sex or fool around but I am getting really frustrated . I'm at a loss....

 

[razon]

Maybe she just likes girls but is too stubborn to admit it.

 

[quickfoot]

Communication, success with previous partners does not imply success with future or current partners. Everyone is different and has different needs and hang ups. Some people like it rough some people need it soft, etc, there are lots of posts about this.

FInd out what is preventing her from enjoying herself , is she sexually inexperienced, or has she had bad experiences, molestation, etc, or inconsiderate people can make people very uptight in bed. Also find out if there is something going on in her life that is stressing her out. If someone is stressed or can't relax their liklihood of orgasming is not very good.

Maybe she was raised in such a way where she believed sexual pleasure was wrong or fantasies were bad or any number of other things, the only way you will find out is by asking her.

Don't come just out and say I've noticed you never orgasm and I want to know why. You will put her on the defensive or maybe even the offensive and may cause big damage to your relationship.

You should bring it up in a caring and loving way something like I noticed that sometimes you aren't able to orgasm, I really enjoy sex with you and want to make sure that you are enjoying it as much as I am, is there something different that I can do?

This will open the door for communication and it avoids placing blame or guilt on her, it lets her know you care about how she feels and want her to enjoy the experience.

She might say no there isn't, you may need to ask more questions, do I do something to make you uncomfortable, woud you rather with the lights out (if they are on). Do you like it when I do x, how about this. Do you like the amount of foreplay, do I wait too long.

If you use dirty talk perhaps it is too dirty, if you don't talk at all long silence with nothing but pounding might be unconfortable for her. Ask her what positions she likes, maybe she doesn't get stimulation from a particular kind of stroke.

If she doesn't feel like she has sexual fantasies you might talk with her about it and get her a good erotica book my secret garden comes to mind for her to read by herself!

Some good pornography can be a stepping stone too but I would recommend erotica first, it forces her to use her imagination to picture what is going on and lets her build the perfect people to be in the fantasy instead of whoever is acting in the movie. Also even though 10,000 adult movies are made per year it is very hard to find one with a decent plot.

Whatever it is you should talk to her about it, it will affect her and it obviously will affect you. Some women do not like penetration but do it because they love the person they are with (they don't necessarily mind it but it doesn't get them off).

Bottom line sit down with her and have an open, non judgemental conversation that is about her without blame. She may not give you any answers during your first conversation, don't press her. she may not know herself but it will get her thinking and she may come back to you a day or a week later to talk about it some more.

She needs to know that you care and that you are willing to do what it takes and you aren't judging her or mad and you don't think there is anything wrong with her.

By all means do not tell her that you are able to get n amount of other girls off with no problem so you don't know what her problem is, unless you want out of the relationship and have really good health insurance


There is a possiblity that she just like girls but maybe not, help her explore and come to terms with her sexuality, you will probably learn some interesting things about yours too!

 

[Youngin20]

we've discussed our situation a couple times before and she doesn't like talking about it very often. When we do it's very brief. I know she is not a lesbian because we are very serious in our relationship. she and I plan on getting married some day, having kids, etc....

I don't think she knows why she doesn't orgasm. If she did, I think she would tell me. Granted there are SOME things I feel she keeps from me and one or more of them might be the reason why.....but the thing is she and I still have sex, even though she is not getting much out of it. I know (or at least hope) she wants to find a way to orgasm but I think she is emberassed or shy or something. I try and ask her from time to time "does that feel good?" or "what should I do?" or Ill ask her to 'guide me'. Once or twice she has said something felt good but I don't know what or why. I guess it has to be clitoral and we have a vibrator that straps on at the base of the penis but she and I have yet to try it and I am afraid we never will. *sigh*

 

[razon]

Maybe her mom (and others) filled her head with all this nonsense about how it's bad to touch yourself down there or let a boy touch you down there or let anyone see you down there or talk about what's down there. Only whores do that. That sort of upbringing stays with you forever. Intellectually, she may know it's ok because it belongs to her, but deep down there is a big "NO" when it comes to the subject of enjoying sex. It;s a sort of brainwashing. She may need some professional help to get over it.

It's sometimes hard for people to understand this mental block. But it's real and it's very hard to get over.

Anyway, this may explain her reluctance to talk about it as well.

 

[quickfoot]

Keep up communication, my wife was very very shy about talking about it.

Also set a good example, if she doe something that feels good make sure you tell her.

It is something that you talk about gradually and build from there, building the idea that it is ok to talk about it. Also she may be afraid of telling you what she wants because she don't want to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad. It is good to have your partners feelings in mind, which is why you have to tread lightly.

You might get some books like 101 nights of romance, or foreplay cards, and try one each time. That way you both can laugh and have fun and try differrent things that gives her an opportunity to find more out about herself and you as well.

She might not know why but given the time to think about it she can probably determine why. Most people have a general idea why, its whether or not they are comfortable in telling.

Just keep going slow, and working on it, she will see you care and want to pleasure her.

You might also suggest both of you get couples therapy or sex therapy, everyone can benefit from a good visit to the doc every now and then. Be careful with suggesting she go though, it is basically saying something is wrong with you and I think you need professional help. Either let her bring it up or suggest you both go.

My personal belief is sometimes therapy is better once you've identified the problem and want help in dealing with it.

 

[Bobmi357]

A person's upbringing can severely hamper one's sexual self. But a lot of these sort of problems can also be partly the partner's fault.

Mind you, I'm not saying its your fault. But there are things you can try to help her and yourself in the process.

Being wet is a sign of sexual arousal. But arousal doesn't equate to being horny. Horniness is a state of mind where you desire sex, arousal is your body getting ready to have sex.

Try increasing the amount of foreplay and even pre-foreplay. Pre-foreplay you ask? Sure, its what I like to call the warm up period, its the time you spend sitting on the couch cuddling, kissing and just generally enjoying each others company.

Some women require heavy clitoral stimulation before they have an orgasm, some don't. Some can cum many times in a single hour, while others have a single big O and are happy with that. Spending more time in foreplay will allow you to rev her engine even higher. When you get around to the actual sex, try a position that allows you to insert yourself and still be able to reach down with a hand to stimulate her clit. Pace yourself, you're not in a race, nor will you win any prize for bashing her head through the headboard and into the wall. Take your time, stop thrusting every so often, but keep up the stimulation on the clit.

Your planning on marrying this woman, so like it or not, both of you are going to have to learn before hand how to talk about issues which might be sensitive to one, or both of you. Sit her down in a private nonsexual situation and talk with her. Don't accuse, don't yell or threaten. Instead ask her to let you help her. Tell her how important this is to both of you. Tell her how much joy and love you get from loving her and want her to be able to feel the same.

It may be that she was brought up to think she's not supposed to enjoy sex. It may be that deep down she does have some lesbian or BI tendencies. But you two will be married and with kids before you find that out if you don't learn to talk to her now!

There are other, medical reasons why she might not be enjoying sex. Make sure you explore and eliminate those possibilities as well! There are drugs which inhibit everything from the sex drive, to the ability to orgasm or maintain an erection. Eliminate those as possible reasons also!

Finally, when all is said and done, she might not be enjoying herself because she has not yet become used to the idea that you desire and want her. It may take time for her to come to grips with that idea. She may have a poor self image of herself which you will have to help her overcome.

Good Luck!

 

[jared23]

so the pipes seem to be working is just that she's not responding too it... a mental block maybe? For a quick fix, i say try throwing a lil alcohol into the mix, knock some of that inhibition down and see how she reacts when her brain would not forcibly jump in the way.

Not so much that she's sloshed though, want her conscius for this sort of thing.

 

[thickspear]

the

 

[Ms_Lilith]

so the pipes seem to be working is just that she's not responding too it... a mental block maybe? For a quick fix, i say try throwing a lil alcohol into the mix, knock some of that inhibition down and see how she reacts when her brain would not forcibly jump in the way.

Not so much that she's sloshed though, want her conscius for this sort of thing.

Nope. Sorry. That's just not the answer.

Why, you ask? Well, we all know that if you get a woman drunk and have sex, she can call rape, and in a court of law, may win. Why? Because she'd have done something that maybe she would not have in a regular situation.

Now, Jared has said 'not a lot' of alcohol... I still say a HUGE, STOPLIGHT NO!

What is it going to do to her, if she realizes that you've brought alcohol into the mix just to get her to loosen up? It's going to make her think that she's not good enough, and that she's not appreciated, and it's going to bring about a HUGE amount of resentment. Secondly, what is it going to do to YOU, knowing that, in order for her inhibitions to go away, and for her to 'trust' you, you have to bring booze in? That is a really fast way to break up a relationship.

If she's putting out, but not enjoying it, I have to agree with those people who mentioned the possibility of an 'upbringing' problem. Many women are taught that, to be a good girlfriend or wife, they have to submit to the sexual desires of their boyfriends/husbands, but that ENJOYING such acts is dirty and obscene.

Maybe she's been molested in the past. Maybe her mother, or a friend of hers was molested, and she witnessed it? Maybe she's been otherwise hurt by a man. If she can come with another woman, maybe it's just a fear of a man?

Whatever you do, don't take it personally.

And toss out the attitude that you're a good lover. It's good to be confident, but each woman is different. Each partner is different.
I came into my current relationship thinking that I was really good in bed. I tried all the general moves and ideas, and while he enjoyed SOME of them, I had to work, and be creative, and learn his turn-ons and learn his buttons to push, in order to make our sex-life mind-blowing. Each woman is a different story, and what works for one, might not work for her.

Good luck.

 

[Noor]

a couple things, its hard to come if you are focusing on why you aren't coming.

I would get her really relaxed before you have sex, for me a shower or bath followed by a full body massage often works.

do what she wants to do, enjoy yourself.
often I can come just from hearing, feeling and watching my lover come, sometimes clitical stimulation is too much and overwhelms me to the point of shutting off sexually. Sometimes things get too exciting for me and I overload. I was thinking of this when I read about her getting off with a woman but not you.

I have problems with sensory overload, I know this and I have ways of dealing with it. I can do many things in my head, I can also shut off feeling to my body, the trick is to do the right things at the right time. In pt when they are working on the top of your hamstring and gluts-shut off sensory feeling.

anyway signs of sensory overload can be - hyperacute hearing, smell, feeling, not being able to watch tv or listen to radio and hold a conversation at the same time, being easily distracted by sights and sounds that other people barely notice, feeling every seam on your clothes even though they don't bother you.

if you seriously plan to marry this women you should probably see a sex therapist if her not coming is bothering you guys. It could be something totally physical and have nothing to do with you or your relationship.

 

[razon]

Vixenshe you make very good points about the alcohol. It seems that getting the girl tipsy is treating the symptom rather than the problem and I don't think it will work. However, a drink or two might help to loosen her toungue a bit and get her to talk about it a little more.

If you choose to do this, and it works a little, I think it would be wise not to initiate sex right away. Just relax and hold her and both of you think about it for a while. I think one of the things they do in sex therapy is to get the couple to relax and get initimate without the expectation of sex. Start off kissing, no sex. Then naked and holding. No sex. Then naked touching, no sex. Then maybe a little more intimate touching until she is totally relaxed with you and she can trust you not to judge her. Telling her that she can trust you may not be enough. You may have to show her without the pressure of sex right away. I'm not going to tell you "be patient it will come". It may not. But if this woman means a lot to you, you owe it to yourself to excersize some patience and let her know with no doubt that you love her and she can trust you.

Of course all this is assuming that the problem is that she has issues about sex being dirty and all. She did not get like this overnight so you can't expect her to get over it overnight.

Good luck to you. I really hope it works out.

 

[Youngin20]

I really appreciate all the advice and suggestions all of you guys and gals have given and I deffinitly have a few ideas to go off of now. Perhaps there are things she is not telling me that is causing this problem. She tends to shut me out when she thinks telling me something will hurt me or make me owrry or if it would embarass her, etc... I think I deffinitly need to just sit down and talk to her about it on a serious, pressureless, non-judgmental level. (PERHAPS introducing booze as a way to get her to talk a bit more) My girlfriend in VERY stubborn can take ALOT of convincing when trying to get her to admit/say/explain something. Although I also think that explaining to her how important this is to me AND her perhaps she will understand. I would LOVE to try and see a sex therapist but I have no idea on where to even begin on finding one, let alone paying for one. I do plan on marrying this girl and the one thing I really want and need is to resolve this issue with us. I am willing to work as hard/long as it take untill things progress. I just worry that she will get frustrated or embarassed or defensive or something when I try and persue this problem. My girlfriend tends to get fed up with stuff like this really fast. We'll talk about it for a bit, then she decides she doesn't want to anymore after a bit. Gratned I cannot begin to understand how hard this must be for her....but I still worry.

Anyway, just to let vixenshe know....I didn't mean my comment to come off as an attitude. I just meant it as a fact that I am no rookie to the female body. I know fully that a woman's orgasm can be fulfilled in an infinite amount of ways and all women are different but I just wanted everyone to understand that I know a fair amount (far from alot) about getting a woman to come. I myself have had sexual problems, even with my current girlfriend so I know I far from confident. Especially with such a fickle woman to please.

Anyway, thank you ALL and I will DEFFINITLY keep you all posted on how things go. And please, anymore help is MORE than welcom. Thanks again!

 

[ilike2ponder]

From my own personal experience there are two major things that can hinder a woman who does not climax easily. First would be any type of inclination at all from the guy that he feels frustrated or less then adequate, as if he is taking it personally. The other is that he brings it up, talks about it, tells her how much he wants her to. Trust me, she wants to also.

It can become even more difficult when she feels guilt or pressure.

Guilt can come from getting the idea that she is making him feel that frustration or inadequacy, and you may not even realize sometimes that you are giving those signals. It is hard not to, especially when you are a giving lover that wants nothing more that to be the one giving her that level of pleasure.

Pressure can come into play when he talks of how much he wants to give that to her, or in any way references it much. Especially when she already finds it difficult to talk about.

I know for me, my body is very in tune with my own touch and works just fine, I assure you. However, it does not respond soley to a man's administerings, without my help. The best lover I ever had, got this, understood it, did not take it personally in any way, and made me feel completely accepted. I can also say, some of the best sex I have ever had did not include a climax. I can give myself that whenever I want. What I cannot give myself is the touch of another's hand, a deep sensual kiss or simply the feeling of not being alone. For some of us, the climax is far from the top of the list of what really matters or nurtures us.

Hope this gives you something to think about, and I wish you both the best of luck!

 

[razon]

From my own personal experience there are two major things that can hinder a woman who does not climax easily. First would be any type of inclination at all from the guy that he feels frustrated or less then adequate, as if he is taking it personally. The other is that he brings it up, talks about it, tells her how much he wants her to. Trust me, she wants to also.

It can become even more difficult when she feels guilt or pressure.

Guilt can come from getting the idea that she is making him feel that frustration or inadequacy, and you may not even realize sometimes that you are giving those signals. It is hard not to, especially when you are a giving lover that wants nothing more that to be the one giving her that level of pleasure.

Pressure can come into play when he talks of how much he wants to give that to her, or in any way references it much. Especially when she already finds it difficult to talk about.

I know for me, my body is very in tune with my own touch and works just fine, I assure you. However, it does not respond soley to a man's administerings, without my help. The best lover I ever had, got this, understood it, did not take it personally in any way, and made me feel completely accepted. I can also say, some of the best sex I have ever had did not include a climax. I can give myself that whenever I want. What I cannot give myself is the touch of another's hand, a deep sensual kiss or simply the feeling of not being alone. For some of us, the climax is far from the top of the list of what really matters or nurtures us.

Hope this gives you something to think about, and I wish you both the best of luck!

That ... was beautiful.

 

[ilike2ponder]

That ... was beautiful.

Very kind of you to say. Thank you!

 

[razon]

Very kind of you to say. Thank you!

You are welcome. g'nite good girl.

 

[ldlarry52]

Youngin20,
Your girlfriend has a serious problem. I would strongly urge the two of you to seek professional pre-marital counseling. Sex I don't need to tell you is an important part to the happines of a relationship.

If she just lies there she'd be less fun then a novelty doll. I am sure she is a sweet girl and has many good qualities, but if she is all hung up on sex it will have an adverse affect on your relationship.

You need to ask yourself, if she doesn't ever change how she approaches sex will you be happy with her for the rest of your life?

My first wife was not overly sexual and that along with other issues became very frustrating.

If she refuses to talk about this, then she most likely will never change. Work this problem through to a satisfactory solution or don't marry her.
LDLarry52

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Larry, I think your comments are really rash, and really harsh. I think you're also missing the point. He didn't say she didn't put out, but that she didn't orgasm from it. He said that she's capable of orgasming. He also said that she WILL talk, for a certain amount of time, and your comment that she won't talk means that she'll never change is short-sighted and closed-minded. I didn't talk about my past with my current lover until we'd been together for about a year. And then it all came out, with no pressures from him. Granted, I didn't have sex problems, but I'm highly neurotic and I have anxiety problems due to trauma in my past, and I suffer PTSD as well. He never pushed, and now he knows about it all.



I wanted to mention, following another lady's example that the best sex I ever had also didn't include orgasm. It was the first time that my current lover and I were together, and I cried, it was such a beautiful experience, and though he orgasmed a couple times, I was wrapped up in so much more wonderful things than orgasming... It's one of my fondest memories of him.

I think it was so great because in that time frame, I KNEW I'd found HIM, I knew I'd found my lifepartner... He was gentle and happy and excited, and yet he went slowly, savouring me, and I savoured him.... it was so wonderful... Fond memories.

 

[Oz_Paul]

From my own personal experience there are two major things that can hinder a woman who does not climax easily. First would be any type of inclination at all from the guy that he feels frustrated or less then adequate, as if he is taking it personally. The other is that he brings it up, talks about it, tells her how much he wants her to. Trust me, she wants to also.

It can become even more difficult when she feels guilt or pressure.

Guilt can come from getting the idea that she is making him feel that frustration or inadequacy, and you may not even realize sometimes that you are giving those signals. It is hard not to, especially when you are a giving lover that wants nothing more that to be the one giving her that level of pleasure.

Pressure can come into play when he talks of how much he wants to give that to her, or in any way references it much. Especially when she already finds it difficult to talk about.

I know for me, my body is very in tune with my own touch and works just fine, I assure you. However, it does not respond soley to a man's administerings, without my help. The best lover I ever had, got this, understood it, did not take it personally in any way, and made me feel completely accepted. I can also say, some of the best sex I have ever had did not include a climax. I can give myself that whenever I want. What I cannot give myself is the touch of another's hand, a deep sensual kiss or simply the feeling of not being alone. For some of us, the climax is far from the top of the list of what really matters or nurtures us.

Hope this gives you something to think about, and I wish you both the best of luck!

I have to agree that this is a beautiful post. Thank you ilike2ponder.

Sometimes, just touching is the most wonderful thing.

We are not purely sexual beings, (although of course sex is great), but need a lot of other support, and love as well to function adequately.

 

[ldlarry52]

Vixenshe, I didn't mean to be harsh just realistic. I am glad your situation over patient time worked out for you. I know from personal experience that if a partner does not want to work on a problem, then there is a very little uncertain chance things will change. This sets both up for flustration and further hurt.

I strongly urge them to seek professional help. There are reasons why she does not orgasim or "get anything out of sex." The reason may be simple and easy to over come or they may be deep rooted and difficult or impossible to resolve to her partner's willingness to accept.

I truely hope they can work through things. Love is a wonderful thing but emotional bagage that can't get unpacked or left behind can doom just about any relationship.

LDlarry52

 

[bobsgirl]

I know for me, my body is very in tune with my own touch and works just fine, I assure you. However, it does not respond soley to a man's administerings, without my help. The best lover I ever had, got this, understood it, did not take it personally in any way, and made me feel completely accepted. I can also say, some of the best sex I have ever had did not include a climax. I can give myself that whenever I want. What I cannot give myself is the touch of another's hand, a deep sensual kiss or simply the feeling of not being alone. For some of us, the climax is far from the top of the list of what really matters or nurtures us.

Hope this gives you something to think about, and I wish you both the best of luck!

Well said. I very rarely orgasm during lovemaking, but I still enjoy sex greatly. I crave the closeness and the touch of my husband's body. It'd be nice to have a screaming orgasm every time, but it's no longer the focus of why I have sex.

I'm intrigued by your statement that she came during an encounter with another female. You may want to talk that out with her before marriage. If she's bi or gay, and you only find that out after the wedding, well, you may have a bit of a problem.

I wish you both the best.

 

[Youngin20]

First off I wanna tell everyone a BIG thank you for giving me all the advice you guys and gals did. It has helped ALOT! I was feeling very alone, very depressed and very confused for a long time because of all this going on. But I am glad to say: I DID IT!

With a lot of work and a HUGE amount of determination, I finally got her to come. Not once, not twice....but THREE times. Here's what I did:

I layed her down and just massaged her, stroked her and just plainly ran my hands very gently all over her body. I tried to get her as relaxed as possible. After a while she started loosening up and she got to the point where she was asleep for a while. (I'm not sure wether that is a good thing or not, but ah well) I, after a long while, then started removing clothes (she's a VERY hard sleeper thank god ; ) ) and stroking her some more, on bare skin. I had her really liking it too because she'd give me lot's of verbal feedback (even when asleep) when I'd just BARELY touch certrain 'sensetive' areas ever so gently. After a while I stripped her down naked and started running my fingers over/above her clit VERY slightly and stroked the entrance to her vagine VERY gently. I wanted to just stimulate her at first and just get her juices flowing. After a while I realized I had so I went in for it and started som cunnilingus. I very gently licked the area around her clit and stroked her legs and sides. I did this for quite a while and tried to get her worked up. For a while it seemed the longer I did it the less she gave feedback. I tried everything I normaly had done (before I met her) and it did nothing for her. Well, I was almost ready to give up....but then I figured I try one more time. SO I said to myself "fuck it"....and orally attacked her clit and plaunged my fingers into her vagina. I THEN started getting more and more feedback. I curled my finger just barely so I gave her some g-spot action. About a minute and half later I had her bucking her hips and gripping the sheets. I switched to two fingers and just buried my face between her legs. As she shot awake I looked at the expression on her face and she let out a HUGE scream (a nice one) and collapsed onto her back. She grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me on top of her. For the first time I actually had sex with her and she was getting ALOT out of it. Two more times she came. The last one, we were able to share at the same time.

it was great. I wanna thank everyone again for helping me! I wouldn't have done it without you all. Thanks again!

 

[Bobmi357]

Nothing quite beats a slow buildup. But as we say in the lab, its a fluke until you can repeatedly achieve the desired results. So with that in mind. PRACTISE!

I'm certain she'll appreciate your efforts.

 

[lovechild27]

I didnt read all the posts here...so Ill hope someone didnt ask this already...how old is she? I didnt really start to enjoy sex until I hit 20. Not the same for everyone but they say sex for younger women isnt all that great.

if it isnt physical Id suggest she look into therapy. Even if I dont come I still get something out of it...my guess is many others would say the same about making love with the their spouse. Its sounds like there is a lot going on upstairs. Dont get down on your though. I doubt your lacking in skill. Good luck with it.