Now this was really funny

[Chicklet]

from the best of Craigslist:

Dear Sir,

You have been renting my vagina for the past six weeks. In that six weeks you have had liberal access to myself and my fine ass bobbing on your dick, and you have taken advantage of this opportunity on a damn near daily basis. That is great. I love sex and I love it more when it is a daily experience. However, over the course of these past six weeks, I have recieved only one "payment" in exchange for your many lovely gifts of pearl necklaces and the like.

This arrangement is simply not an acceptable one for my vagina and myself. This notice serves you with a three day period to pay up or get the fuck on. I want an orgasm.

Look at this from my perspective, dear sir. I am a lovely little number. I do not smother. I come over late at night to fuck your brains out. I like the same movies as you. We laugh together, have a great time and in general have great sex. The lack of the finale on an occasional basis is understandable. The consistent nonexistance of it, however, will not do. You would not waste your time fucking me for six weeks if every time, save one lovely instance, you got really really really close, and then had to "hold it over" while I snored away happily after experiencing my earthshattering juicer, would you? No. I don't think you would. You would move on and take shelter in another, more "rewarding" location.

I have been fair. I do not demand. I am a giving and tolerable lover. You can do whatever you want to me sexually, you know this from experience. I am not taking applications from other prospective tenants and I give you free access, 24/7. However, my tolerance wanes. The rules of tenancy are about to change.

Here are a few final tidbits of knowledge. We have gone over them before. Perhaps you forgot. Again. Have a read. Have a re-read. But please, I implore you to take this seriously. This is a final notice. There are no exceptions.

1. I do not "cum" from strictly intercourse. I never have. I don't rule out the future possibility, but please stop trying to be the "stud" whose dick makes me "cum so hard" every time. It doesn't happen. Please take a few minutes prior to your personal enjoyment to go downtown and see the sights. I provide a roadmap. I am vocal and have no qualms with telling you to "keep doing that, don't stop." You know this. From the ONE time you did it. Remember, you are not "jerking off." This is not "aided masturbation." I am not just "along for the ride." This is SEX, buddy. And women want to cum too. If I didn't, I wouldn't bother with fucking you in the first place. Sure, I like to see you happy and love watching you cum. Its an enjoyable experience to sexually satisfy your partner. Try it.

2. I rarely get on top. When I do - DO NOT FLIP ME OVER. This is just a rule. Don't do it. Lay back and enjoy the ride.

3. Don't be such a gun slinger with the lube. If you touch my pussy and its not dripping wet, lube is not the blanket answer to this problem. And no, I don't care if it does smell/taste like strawberries. I might care if that made you venture down south, but that has not been a tried and true outcome. Your hands, fingers, and mouth are welcome, invited even. I assure you, it is not a desert down there. You need to AROUSE your lover. Not DOUSE your lover.

Please, dear sir, do not take this as a rejection. Do not be discouraged. I have complete and utter faith in your ability to satisfy me sexually. Besides that, I really enjoy having you around in all other areas. You are funny. You are smart. You are sexy and educated. You DO NOT, however, give me an orgasm anywhere near as often as you should. You are in your thirties. You are not getting any younger. You should learn this now - women want a together, financially secure and stable man. Yes. That isn't a lie. However, women prefer solitude and the satisfaction of MASTURBATION to a constant sexual let down. I know you like fucking me. Please help me to like fucking you.

 

[m wisdom]

Where can I buy one of these?

http://stuff.wittstrom.com/images/iserve.gif

 

[shy slave]

How to make a woman happy?
It's not difficult.
To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest (white lies okay)
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY


1. Feed him
2. Fuck him
3. and Shut the fuck up.

 

[graceanne]

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". He was so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He even made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day and all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????............................Oh, come on...take a guess!



Think about it!



The moral is...




You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

 

[Gil_T2]

I saw this ad while googling & after reading this & then picking myself up of the floor I thought others here might also get a giggle out of it. If it wasn't so funny it would be incredable sad.The P.S. was the cincher!

30yo, illiterate male with excess hormones seeks ignorant and innocent female for selfish and fun times
29th of December, 2005


Hello,

I am a dominate male with poor social skills, no experience with BDSM and a desperate need to get laid.

If you're an easily deceived female between 18 and 85 years of age I'd like to hear from you. Big bazookas preferred. Your other attributes and characteristics are unimportant because it's all really about me, me, ME!

I am in my 40's, sexually unsuccessful, poor at conversation, cleanliness-challenged and will readily tell you all that you want to hear for as long as it takes to get your legs apart. I am sure this won't take long as I'm clearly a superior specimen, hung like a rubber pencil and can't understand how any woman would not take the first opportunity to have sex with me.

I don't know anything about BDSM except that it's an acronym that has something to do with bandages and dancing. I have heard though that it's easy to fake, gets women hot to trot, and I'll happily pretend to be knowledgeable and make it up as I go along, at least until I get my nib wet.

P.S. I live with my mother, but she's mostly deaf and won't cause us any problems.

 

[m wisdom]

pink SM

http://www.yumlum.com/galleries/knitwear/1711_sadomaso.jpg

 

[shy slave]

I saw this ad while googling & after reading this & then picking myself up of the floor I thought others here might also get a giggle out of it. If it wasn't so funny it would be incredable sad.The P.S. was the cincher!

30yo, illiterate male with excess hormones seeks ignorant and innocent female for selfish and fun times
29th of December, 2005


Hello,

I am a dominate male with poor social skills, no experience with BDSM and a desperate need to get laid.

If you're an easily deceived female between 18 and 85 years of age I'd like to hear from you. Big bazookas preferred. Your other attributes and characteristics are unimportant because it's all really about me, me, ME!

I am in my 40's, sexually unsuccessful, poor at conversation, cleanliness-challenged and will readily tell you all that you want to hear for as long as it takes to get your legs apart. I am sure this won't take long as I'm clearly a superior specimen, hung like a rubber pencil and can't understand how any woman would not take the first opportunity to have sex with me.

I don't know anything about BDSM except that it's an acronym that has something to do with bandages and dancing. I have heard though that it's easy to fake, gets women hot to trot, and I'll happily pretend to be knowledgeable and make it up as I go along, at least until I get my nib wet.

P.S. I live with my mother, but she's mostly deaf and won't cause us any problems.

If only I had not met Andante

I would probably be asking for his email addy

 

[shy slave]

http://www.yumlum.com/galleries/knitwear/1711_sadomaso.jpg

I love pink

 

[m wisdom]

I love pink

I forgot to say it's all knitted as well

 

[tealsphynx]

http://www.yumlum.com/galleries/knitwear/1711_sadomaso.jpg

I like pink, but that shade of pink leaves me humming the "Barbie Girl" song. (I'm sorry for bringing up that little piece of addictive techno past....I'll probably have that song stuck in my head for days now...)

 

[shy slave]

I forgot to say it's all knitted as well

OHHH

Maybe I can ask my mum and old aunties to knit a set of hand and leg cuffs to take to Denmark for the next time I visit Andante.

I can explain it away by saying how cold it is over there

 

[graceanne]

I love pink

I hate pink. I bet all that was made to torment people like me.

 

[Gil_T2]

I forgot to say it's all knitted as well

Cruel & humiliating punishment in My view, might be good to threaten subbie with though...."Do as I say or it's the pink stuff for you"!

 

[graceanne]

Cruel & humiliating punishment in My view, might be good to threaten subbie with though...."Do as I say or it's the pink stuff for you"!

That's what I mean. Torment people like me. I'd hate being in that much pink.

 

[brioche]

That's what I mean. Torment people like me. I'd hate being in that much pink.

Kind of looks like Pepto Bismol sponsored it or something.

 

[shy slave]

Pink is great, as is purple, orange, red and blue.

When I was younger I wore all those colours all at the same time.

I looked like a small explosion in a paint factory

 

[shy slave]

That's what I mean. Torment people like me. I'd hate being in that much pink.

can you imagine the ads.

"If this makes you feel ill, take this pink liquid and feel better instantly"

Or for pink lovers

"Make the inside match the outside"

 

[graceanne]

I love jewell tones and black. I always wear red and black if I can. I detest pink and pastels. And orange is the most hideous color their is.

 

[graceanne]

can you imagine the ads.

"If this makes you feel ill, take this pink liquid and feel better instantly"

Or for pink lovers

"Make the inside match the outside"

Makes me think of that part in Steel Magnolias.

"My colors are blush and bashful."

"Her colors are pink and pink."

"Mama! I have chosen to shades of pink, one is much darker than the other."

"The sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down in pepto bismo."

 

[shy slave]

If you like ducks...

Three ducks go into a bar

Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"


"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"


"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.


"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"


"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

 

[tealsphynx]

Pink is great, as is purple, orange, red and blue.

When I was younger I wore all those colours all at the same time.

I looked like a small explosion in a paint factory

LOL, sounds kinda like me, except I was more into mixing paterns...Polka-dots, checkers, stripes, plaid, different paterned cloth......hmmm....I still wear stripes and plaid together.....

 

[shy slave]

LOL, sounds kinda like me, except I was more into mixing paterns...Polka-dots, checkers, stripes, plaid, different paterned cloth......hmmm....I still wear stripes and plaid together.....

Well that explains your sig line quote LOL

If we ever meet up at least people will remember us being there

 

[TNRkitect2b]

In cleaning out my files...

I came across this ad that I had saved from a few years back, and thought you might appreciate the subtlety of this ad, done by a Brazilian ad agency, for a lubricating gel (K-Y equivalent) targeting the French market.
They were trying to come up with an ad that is not offensive or tasteless.
The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details...
Apparently, it created quite a buzz in Europe at the time.

 

[greenmands]

I came across this ad that I had saved from a few years back, and thought you might appreciate the subtlety of this ad, done by a Brazilian ad agency, for a lubricating gel (K-Y equivalent) targeting the French market.
They were trying to come up with an ad that is not offensive or tasteless.
The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details...
Apparently, it created quite a buzz in Europe at the time.

That is kinky.

 

[graceanne]

Signs of the times

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
*******************************

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait"
**************************


At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
*********************************************