please critique me

[beautyandwine]

I really like bits and pieces of this.

I realize there are some things that are off, but I'd really appreciate some input on it (positive or negative, I'm a big girl) . I'm interested to figure out what I can work with and tweak...

Thanks.

 

[hugginbare]

well,

don't give up your day job, but then i'm not ointo poetry.....?????

I really like bits and pieces of this.

I realize there are some things that are off, but I'd really appreciate some input on it (positive or negative, I'm a big girl) . I'm interested to figure out what I can work with and tweak...

Thanks.

 

[beautyandwine]

don't give up your day job, but then i'm not ointo poetry.....?????

Don't worry, I'm not.

 

[beautyandwine]

Well, since no one else wants to critique me, I'll do it my damn self.

I feel like this one fails in many ways because so many of the lines seem cliqued. Lines like "thirsty only for you" and "my pillar, my strength" seem like literature standbys. Also, I seem to be killing the articles. Less is better, in my opinion.

I redid the "stillness envelops" line, because it didn't convey the feeling I wanted to convey - a stillness and quietness that descends around you.

I still wonder if the "jealous celestial gods" might be overplayed.

Anyway...

Here's the second edit:

Waiting

Here I belabor decimal points
and powers of ten,
tapping digits derisively against the desk,
my mind one million miles off,
traipsing thirsty
in an Arabian desert.

For there I am poised
among your landscapes,
savoring the heat,
eyes reaping untold beauty
as hands tremble
over delicate lines.

Stillness envelops as a sphere,
and I take pause
as the sky falls
into a warm blanket.

My legs, my love, my life
parts into the warm sea,
and you reach for me,
a pillar.

Intertwined as we rise,
flaunting jealous celestial gods
that spin and weave,
blotted out
by our culmination.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Sorry you seem go have been ignored, particularly when you asked so politely. I can't give you my slant on your poem tonight but I pomise to tomorrow.

 

[WickedEve]

I'm just getting ready to leave for the day but gave your poem a quick read. It has room for improvement but it is not what I would call a bad poem. It is definitely something you can work with. I'll be checking out the rest of the comments tonight and see if I have anything to add.

 

[bogusbrig]

Well, since no one else wants to critique me, I'll do it my damn self.

I feel like this one fails in many ways because so many of the lines seem cliqued. Lines like "thirsty only for you" and "my pillar, my strength" seem like literature standbys. Also, I seem to be killing the articles. Less is better, in my opinion.

I redid the "stillness envelops" line, because it didn't convey the feeling I wanted to convey - a stillness and quietness that descends around you.

I still wonder if the "jealous celestial gods" might be overplayed.

Anyway...

Here's the second edit:

Waiting

Here I belabor decimal points
and powers of ten,
tapping digits derisively against the desk,
my mind one million miles off,
traipsing thirsty
in an Arabian desert.

For there I am poised
among your landscapes,
savoring the heat,
eyes reaping untold beauty
as hands tremble
over delicate lines.

Stillness envelops as a sphere,
and I take pause
as the sky falls
into a warm blanket.

My legs, my love, my life
parts into the warm sea,
and you reach for me,
a pillar.

Intertwined as we rise,
flaunting jealous celestial gods
that spin and weave,
blotted out
by our culmination.

There are a few affectations that need to be got rid of for my taste (though I am guilty of such things myself. For example, the first line 'Here I belabour decimal points'. I would much prefer the straight forward 'I labour over decimal points'. and the third line seems similarly affected (for my taste) with the placement of 'derisively' which doesn't work for me. I would much prefer derisely to be edited out all together or have the more straight forward 'tapping digits with contempt against the desk' Also the second line is something of a repeat of the first. I think that would be better changed to something like 'square roots'.

From there I get a little lost as to why you are (in your day dream) traipsing thirsty through an Arabian desert. It would be more powerful if you was daydreaming about something your readers could empathize with rather than something so distant and romantically cliched. Then you are suddenly in a warm sea with I assume someone you desire. Nothing wrong with jumping around, after all (I assume) it is a daydream but there does need to be some connection.

I like the general idea of drudging through a monotonous process at work and going off in a daydream. That is something we can all relate to. Keep the images concrete and avoid vagueness.

I labour over decimal points
and square roots,
tapping digits against the desk,
my flighty thoughts
Insist on my being elsewhere

In your room, knotted in blankets
a tangle of torsos and limbs
my skin, a filligree of red
bears the shape of your hands
and your weight pressing down

etc, etc. not a masterpiece but just a quick illustration about concrete imagery that everyone can relate to.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

I've included your 1st draught.

Here I belabor decimal points
and powers of ten,
tapping digits derisively against the desk,
my mind one million miles off,
traipsing across an Arabian desert,
thirsty only for you.

For there I am poised,
savoring the heat that rises,
eyes reaping untold beauty
among your landscapes,
with hands trembling to trace
the delicate lines of your creation.

Stillness envelops,
and I take pause as the sky
smiles and falls
into a warm blanket.
My legs, my love, my life
parts into the sea,
and you reach for me,
my pillar, my strength.

Outstretched fingers
intertwine and cling
as we rise,
while jealous celestial gods
spin and weave,
blotted out by the brightness
of our culmination.

My mind, one million miles off,
lost upon a tangled sea,
thirsty only for you.

Waiting

Here I belabor decimal points
and powers of ten,
tapping digits derisively against the desk,
my mind one million miles off,
traipsing thirsty
in an Arabian desert.

For this verse I would have kept some of your jettisoned stuff....

I labor over decimal points,
powers of ten,
numbly tapping numbers
against my will,
my mind a million miles away
drifting through arid deserts
thirsty only for you.

For there I am poised
among your landscapes,
savoring the heat,
eyes reaping untold beauty
as hands tremble
over delicate lines.



Again I've salvaged words you rejected in draught 1.

Poised in your presence
I savor rising heat
and untold beauty
hands trembling
over delicate lines.

Stillness envelops as a sphere,
and I take pause
as the sky falls
into a warm blanket.

My legs, my love, my life
parts into the warm sea,
and you reach for me,
a pillar.

I combined the next two verses, trying not to lose your voice.

A sphere of stillness
envelops, in the pause
the sky falls as
my love, my life, my legs part
into warmth and you
reach for me, a pillar.


Intertwined as we rise,
flaunting jealous celestial gods
that spin and weave,
blotted out
by our culmination.



I'm not happy with this verse, it should be stronger as it is the climax but perhaps you know what to do.

Fingers entwined,
we rise together
ignorant of jealous gods
that spin and weave
concealed by our culmination.

I hope this helps, I deliberately didn't read BB's post before adding mine. He's by far the better poet.

 

[beautyandwine]

There are a few affectations that need to be got rid of for my taste (though I am guilty of such things myself. For example, the first line 'Here I belabour decimal points'. I would much prefer the straight forward 'I labour over decimal points'. and the third line seems similarly affected (for my taste) with the placement of 'derisively' which doesn't work for me. I would much prefer derisely to be edited out all together or have the more straight forward 'tapping digits with contempt against the desk' Also the second line is something of a repeat of the first. I think that would be better changed to something like 'square roots'.

From there I get a little lost as to why you are (in your day dream) traipsing thirsty through an Arabian desert. It would be more powerful if you was daydreaming about something your readers could empathize with rather than something so distant and romantically cliched. Then you are suddenly in a warm sea with I assume someone you desire. Nothing wrong with jumping around, after all (I assume) it is a daydream but there does need to be some connection.

I like the general idea of drudging through a monotonous process at work and going off in a daydream. That is something we can all relate to. Keep the images concrete and avoid vagueness....

Hmm, I have to admit having a weakness for heavy-handed language. I'm aware it can alienate readers, though. *sigh*

I guess I was going for natural metaphorical images all around. In my mind's eye, I was parched and thirsty for my lover (hence the desert at my desk). My lover appeared (in my mind), and I was able to admire him, thinking about his "landscapes" and how it would feel to touch him... time stops as we make love (heh), and the experience was like fresh water in the desert, (the sea). From there we rise to the stars with the climax, obviously (because hey, it's my daydream

Anyway, I thought I'd offer that out as a general explanation of where I was going with it.

Thank you for the suggestions. I will have to contemplate how best to revise this to get my feeling across...

 

[beautyandwine]

Waiting

Here I belabor decimal points
and powers of ten,
tapping digits derisively against the desk,
my mind one million miles off,
traipsing thirsty
in an Arabian desert.

For this verse I would have kept some of your jettisoned stuff....

I labor over decimal points,
powers of ten,
numbly tapping numbers
against my will,
my mind a million miles away
drifting through arid deserts
thirsty only for you.

For there I am poised
among your landscapes,
savoring the heat,
eyes reaping untold beauty
as hands tremble
over delicate lines.



Again I've salvaged words you rejected in draught 1.

Poised in your presence
I savor rising heat
and untold beauty
hands trembling
over delicate lines.

Stillness envelops as a sphere,
and I take pause
as the sky falls
into a warm blanket.

My legs, my love, my life
parts into the warm sea,
and you reach for me,
a pillar.

I combined the next two verses, trying not to lose your voice.

A sphere of stillness
envelops, in the pause
the sky falls as
my love, my life, my legs part
into warmth and you
reach for me, a pillar.


Intertwined as we rise,
flaunting jealous celestial gods
that spin and weave,
blotted out
by our culmination.



I'm not happy with this verse, it should be stronger as it is the climax but perhaps you know what to do.

Fingers entwined,
we rise together
ignorant of jealous gods
that spin and weave
concealed by our culmination.

Thank you for the input! I really like what you did with the second strophe and I see what you're saying about the third. *sigh* I don't know what to do about the last... I almost want to go on a bit, but then I fear the piece is getting too long and I'll have lost any readers by then.

 

[emaalr]

hope it helps

I would take the line...
tapping etc...as first then loose the word HERE
IE:

tapping digits derisively against the desk,
I belabor decimal points
and powers of ten,...etc etc etc...

maybe change some of the last verse ..?.....just some possibilities...
please don't think I am trying to rewrite your work..i like it and am only trying to give you some ideas....

Intertwined we rise,
to flaunt the jealous celestial gods
that spin and weave
a last attempt to stop
our culmination.