Please Im having a horrible time understanding.

[Believeit49]

Ill keep this quick, Sorry if its the wrong board to post on. I dated and lived with a girl for almost 2 years. Love was never an issue. Well I went through a rough time in life (depression). I decided to break up with her because i was scared to death of bringing her down. Well I worked my way through my problems and decided I wanted to give it all i had to get her back. I found out she was some what seeing someone that is in the army and leaving soon. She stated that she liked him and knew it was going no where. Ive stayed with her several nights in between his stays. She claims she only had sex 2 times with him which i do believe. She said that she only had sex with him cause she thought we were over. Well anyway its valentines day and here i am sitting here at my house and she is on a date with him. She is coming over to my house to stay the night with me. What do i do. Ive laid my heart out to her and cryed in front of her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated and openly respected. One last note we have sex many times while they are "dating" and now a little worried that she might be pregnant. I know thats major. Please I would love some advice thanks a lot

 

[center_stage]

Ill keep this quick, Sorry if its the wrong board to post on. I dated and lived with a girl for almost 2 years. Love was never an issue. Well I went through a rough time in life (depression). I decided to break up with her because i was scared to death of bringing her down. Well I worked my way through my problems and decided I wanted to give it all i had to get her back. I found out she was some what seeing someone that is in the army and leaving soon. She stated that she liked him and knew it was going no where. Ive stayed with her several nights in between his stays. She claims she only had sex 2 times with him which i do believe. She said that she only had sex with him cause she thought we were over. Well anyway its valentines day and here i am sitting here at my house and she is on a date with him. She is coming over to my house to stay the night with me. What do i do. Ive laid my heart out to her and cryed in front of her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated and openly respected. One last note we have sex many times while they are "dating" and now a little worried that she might be pregnant. I know thats major. Please I would love some advice thanks a lot

Just wondering, why is she going to be staying with you tonight when she is on a date with her boyfriend?

I'm not quite sure what advice to give you. I feel that you should probably leave her alone and wait for her to come to you, wanting you back. Of course, she's probably confused right now if she thinks that she is pregnant.

I think you have to talk to her about this. Tell her how you feel and see how she reacts. I'm not sure of her feelings for this other guy, but she seems to be a little indecisive.

 

[Believeit49]

oh believe me we have talked about the possibility of being pregnant. She is staying with me tonight (well im not sure why) How do i grow patiences to wait on her. She tells me she loves me everytime we talk. Including as we were talking while she was getting dressed for tonight. Believe me its driving my brain crazy. I hate the indecisiveness. I told her im willing to wait if there was an open door to wait at. She as told me there was no door with him. How do i become patient?

 

[center_stage]

oh believe me we have talked about the possibility of being pregnant. She is staying with me tonight (well im not sure why) How do i grow patiences to wait on her. She tells me she loves me everytime we talk. Including as we were talking while she was getting dressed for tonight. Believe me its driving my brain crazy. I hate the indecisiveness. I told her im willing to wait if there was an open door to wait at. She as told me there was no door with him. How do i become patient?

There is no way to become patient with her. I think that she may be toying with you a little bit. She tells you one thing, but does another. One of my friends put it best when I was talking to him about a similar situation, Maybe she's not mature enough to process her feelings.

She doesn't know what she wants. Perhaps she sees a happy life with you, and she sees a happy life with army man as well. She, like the rest of us, just wants to be happy and is probably just trying to find it in the best way possible.

 

[Believeit49]

He leaves in april for x amount of months. She graduates from college in a month. So you think its toying?

 

[center_stage]

I think so. But then again, I could be wrong. I'm not in her head, I'm merely giving an outsiders opinion.

My first ex did this to me. He told me that he loved me, and that he wanted to be with me, and he would stay over at my place all the time, yet he stayed with his ex. I have realized that he told me all those things because he liked having the control over me.

 

[yoshimitsu]

You have talked to her about being pregnant but how much have you talked to her about the rest of the situation.
I think a lot of how you should react depends on your feelings, your values, and where your at in life.
I know personally if I had serious feelings for a girl I wouldn't stand for this. It may be hard to get over someone but it becomes easy for me as soon as I feel I have been mistreated since I believe if they cared for me they wouldn't mis treat me so why be attached to someone who doesn't care for you?
The only way I could see involving myself in a similar situation is if I had some light feelings for her but was in a light free relationship. In that case I could see being ok with it as long as every one was fully aware of what was going on.
Honesty and communication mean everything to me, if I felt those were missing and or if I felt someone was being kept in the dark about something that would be of importance to them I would walk because I can't justify putting others in that situation or involving myself with those people or situations.
But that's just me.

 

[Believeit49]

i am so in love with her. Thats where im at. I know what your saying . I am really appreciating the advice. Im confused as hell but i promise you I love her with all my heart. Im so torn you know.

 

[Bystander]

Forgive me if I'm trivializing or sounding too judgmental but why does this have to be so complicated? Why can't she just leave this other guy? Everyone would be better off. You two would be free to do whatever you wanted, and the other guy wouldn't be a dope whose gf is doing some one else.

If she had no feeling for the other guy and wanted to be with you she would have left him imo. The fact that she won't means that either she's enjoying the situation or she's got feelings for both of you and can't choose.

 

[Believeit49]

I just think she is so confused. We are not boy friend and girl friend nor are they. He leaves in april for iraq, she has stated several times that she doesnt see a future. She i just sit back and not act like it bothers me? ive humbled my self several times to her. Told her how much I loved her and what i would do to get her back. Am i the bad guy here? I dont think im putting to much pressure on her.

 

[SweetErika]

I just think she is so confused. We are not boy friend and girl friend nor are they. He leaves in april for iraq, she has stated several times that she doesnt see a future. She i just sit back and not act like it bothers me? ive humbled my self several times to her. Told her how much I loved her and what i would do to get her back. Am i the bad guy here? I dont think im putting to much pressure on her.

Does HE know they're not bf/gf? Or that she doesn't see a future? Or that she's fucking you on the side?

If not, I'd say her word can't be trusted. There's nothing wrong with her dating/fucking/whatever-ing both of you, but she must be responsible, honest and communicative with everyone involved.

If you're not okay with her having this other relationship, tell her so. Then, she can choose whether she wants to end it with him or not. But, you must be prepared to follow through on your choice and treat yourself with love and respect. If I were you, I'd be asking myself if her actions toward me were consistent with love, and if I was treating myself in a loving way. Relationships don't work if acts of love don't go all ways.

Oh, and if she's not pregnant, make sure she doesn't get preggers if you continue having sex. This is a lousy relationship to bring a kid into, from what you've told us so far. (I'm not saying that to be mean, just reminding you to protect yourself and an innocent life. )

 

[Believeit49]

Im here dying tonight, Im torn up inside something horrible. I dont know that there is some lying going on or whatever. We are not even sure about pregnacy. I cant figure out what to do . I guess tonight is going great for her and me im sitting here just an awful mess. I have never talked to the guy i have no idea what he thinks they are. About 3 weeks ago i showed up at the old house to talk to her, he was there i knocked on the door and we talked for 30 minutes out in the driveway. She told him to go home. She swears that they are not having sex. She has never lyed to me and was loyal in our relationship but though of those two right now is tearing out my heart. I cant seem to shake it and just get over her

 

[DrHappy]

This is a time for you to be strong for a number of reasons. The first reason is that you need to be strong for yourself. Do yourself a favor and realize that you can get through this. Being strong in this situation will also make you more a desirable person to her, though remember and try to accept that your long term happiness isn't dependent on any of her decisions. Look beyond this problem to good times ahead. Realize that there is nothing in this situation that you can't handle one day at a time.

 

[Believeit49]

Thank you dr happy, I appreciate it . Everytime i try to close my eyes tonight they feel up with tears. She never did come here. Im so broken hearted over this. I do realize it was all my fault but hey she still loves me

 

[Cathleen]

This is an interesting situation. Sorry you're so heartbroken.

I have a couple of questions/comments.

1. Why is she dressing to go on a date with someone at the same time she tells you she loves you?

2. About the pregnancy -- does she know if she is, and if so, does she know who the father is?

3. I don't know how old you all are but since sex without protection isn't smart here.

I'd get answers from her. Then I'd watch her actions because they speak louder than words. I know I wouldn't be dressing for a date and tell another man I loved him.

Good luck.

 

[human_male]

Personally I couldn't tolerate a situation like this. Presumably you want a monogamous relationship with her. Is the situation as it currently is acceptable to you? If not then just walk away from it. You've laid your cards on the table to her, you love her and want her back. That's it. Now it's up to her to either take you back, or not. If she wants you back then she shouldn't be seeing other people. If she wants to see other people then you should walk away until such time as she's ready to commit to you. That might not seem like an option because of how you obviously feel for her, but just look at the sate you're in now? Do you really want to continue to feel like this? You need to move on and get some distance and perspective.

It's hard to know what to suggest you do, but it sounds like a bit of a mess that you'd be better off putting behind you.

And if she is pregnant and tells you it's yours... demand a paternity test.

 

[Believeit49]

there is no up in the air on who the kid would belong to. We dont even know yet if she is pregnant or not. So the best bet is to walk away from it all. She as stated before had sex twice with him and he used a condom both times. Im not worried about that its something im willing to over look, And of course she didnt come here last night. I do appreciate everyone's advice.

 

[boston_bbw]

She needs to shit or get off the pot. I have a guy in my life who needs to do the same.. he has been playing us both for 2 years now.. and yep I take full responsibility.. he wouldn't be doing it if I wasn't letting him.. hmm and now what does that say about me? It's certainly not the kind of relationship I want.. and if he were 100% free I wouldn't want him either.. we have to many differences on some big issues.

 

[Mazuri]

She as stated before had sex twice with him and he used a condom both times.

She also said she'd come over, and didn't. She also said they weren't having sex, and yet he was at her house when you went over. She also tells you she loves you and yet goes on dates with someone else. What else is she saying that she doesn't mean? If she is pregnant, do NOT let her put your name on the birth certificate without a paternity test or it will always be a question mark...even if you don't think so now, what happens if he has a history of some genetic disorder/disease and the child develops/is born with it? Wouldn't finding out now be better than when the child is several months/years old?

She's got her fun and her "fallback plan"...that would be you. Do you want to be second best or do you want your significant other to put you first in her heart? You both need to make a choice, then stick to it.

 

[mjl2010]

You know I feel for ya BelieveIt. I do. I got strung along once a long time ago. Let me tell you. This is what she's doing to you. You broke up with her once and now YOU want to get back together. Meanwhile she's got the army guy on the string.

I be skeptical of her possible pregnancy thing going on too. Simple thing to do, go buy and EPT and give it to her. Make her show you the results. If she thinks she preggers she should be finding out for sure ASAP.

You could give her an ultimatum. "Hey lady, me or him. WHich is it?" There's a risk here. she could say him and leave you high and dry. In which case you go on your way and find the person who IS your soulmate. Right now she's breaking your heart and doesn't care about it. She's not your soulmate.

I wish you the best.

MJL

 

[jessthegirl]

its valentines day and they will fuck

Well anyway its valentines day and here i am sitting here at my house and she is on a date with him. She is coming over to my house to stay the night with me. What do i do.

You can be sure if she is on a Valentine Days date with him she is going to come home well and truly fucked. you had better face the reality of this and move on with your life.

 

[cordite]

Forgive me if I'm trivializing or sounding too judgmental but why does this have to be so complicated? Why can't she just leave this other guy?

I realize that asking anyone to rationally analyze one's own feelings is an exercise in futility but try to think about this: "Why can't you just leave her?" (it's really the exact same question you're asking above) and you'll probably see why it's not so simple for her either. A lot of times we're too tied up in our own perspectives...

Is the situation as it currently is acceptable to you? If not then just walk away from it.

Precisely! Don't expect her to change just because the other guy goes into the service. The other guy isn't the "cause" -- he's really just a "symptom". In other words, if you're not okay with her doing this to you now, are you ok with her doing this to you later when you are in a committed relationship? You shouldn't have to let anything "slide" as you've said you were willing to. If you're willing to let one thing slide you have to be willing, and expecting. to let everything slide. Seriously.

I know it's easy for me to say let it go and walk away but it's really the best choice for you.