Please let me know I'm not alone and please help me if you can.

[Debbie]

Ok, So my husband just turned this over to me. I have never been on Literotica before. So bare with me. This is my thoughts and side to the issue
If sex was not part of the equation, our marriage would be awesome. But when you factor in sex, we have a few issues.
I have always had a lower sex drive compared to my husband and we have had our ups and downs in this department.
I know that I am not asexual. I definitly get turned on and want sex.
There is no pain when we have sex.

I think our sex life suffers for a variety of reasons. I work full time and we have 2 kids. By the end of the night, I am tired and just want to go to bed. I also constantly have a to do list in my head. It is just how my brain works. It is very hard for me to get rid of this. A lot of times, I view sex as just another thing on my to do list. I often just want my husband to get it done with so I can move on to something else or go to sleep.
Before he started his medication, this could happen. It was not the greatest but it worked for us. But know that he is on the meds, I know that it is not a quick process, so before we even start I feel sort of antsy to get it over with. Which makes it worse and then I just am done.
I am not and have never really been a physical person. Don't get me wrong, there are definitly times when I love to cuddle, kiss, hug my husband. But overall not physical. He has tried kissing and rubbing my body and I just get all edgy. Most of the time, I do not want him to touch my breasts. There are even nights where I do not want him kissing me. I say it makes me edgy because I feel like I want to fidget and it is very overwhelming.
I love my husband and I know that he loves me. We want to make this work. We have a great relationship outside of the sexual issues. I appreciate your thoughts on all this.

Welcome. I'll give the benefit of the doubt too. (No offence but we have the odd silly buggers who sign up with new names to wind people up or for nefarious reasons.)

My children are grown up now (I was a young Mum) but I remember the crazy busy days of working, being Mum, wife, dil, sister friend etc. I am good at multi tasking and am organized but it was always action stations.

At one point hubby was working night shifts and we were like ships passing in the hallway or bathroom catching kisses, hugs and arranging sexy time on the calender. Talk about not romantic lol when you have to schedule time to have sex. In the end we talked and discussed what we needed from each other to make things work and continue our loving marriage.

I got up early in the morning to make his breakfast and meet him in the shower or wake him with a kiss and the possibility of more. I organized lunches the night before. I made short cuts if necessary to find more time in the day by car pooling with friends and taking turns to baby sit each others children to get time to ourselves and time to myself to recharge, let go of the anxiety or over thinking the 1000 and 1 things in my brain that had to be done.

Meditation might help, learning breathing exercises to relax, yoga etc or if you think things are too much then talk to your Dr.

You are both important and you both need to relax and enjoy each other. Take the time and cuddle, talk, bathe together, caress each other, hold hands, relax and remember how much you love each other.

Good luck.

 

[Vixandra]

I know that I am not asexual. I definitly get turned on and want sex.
There is no pain when we have sex.
...
There are even nights where I do not want him kissing me. I say it makes me edgy because I feel like I want to fidget and it is very overwhelming.

You don't have to answer, but are you having pain in general, not just during sex? I ask because I have a chronic pain condition and there are nights/days when I don't want anything touching me, not hubby, not the sheets, nothing because it hurts and I'm done. I tell hubby this though if he starts to get touchy, not to be cruel but because its communication that needs to be done. If I'm hurting and touch sensitive in a bad way, try to force myself through sex isn't going to be good for either of us.

Secondly- why not fidget? If it makes you twitchy but you want to do it, a fidget isn't going to ruin things. Gods, if random muscle spasms were a big turn off deal, I'd never get any.

Thirdly- when was the last time you and hubby had a weekend off alone to do adult stuff? No kids, no work, just the two of you? It doesn't have to be expensive, hell you can go camping at a remote site if that's what you're into. But something for the two of you to focus on the two of you? If child care is an issue, see about trading weekends with friends that have kids if possible.

Fourth on my mental list- if you're in the mood, cue him with a lead time if possible. Have hubby get the ball rolling with some self-loving foreplay while you grab a shower before having sex. That way he's already on the path to arousal and you're not under as much time duration/pressure.

Has he talked to his doctor about how long it takes him to achieve orgasm? Could there be another med he could switch to that might help that issue? 45 minutes is a hell of a long time to take any kind of sex for most people. Lube would have to be a friend there because that kind of friction will dry a gal out over time.

 

[xjasminex]

Fidgety and edgy when he touches you, you mention... Not asking and I could be completely on the wrong track here but I will throw out the thought that springs to mind - past sexual abuse? If this is a factor it deserves threshing out with a proper psychologist, because it would be justified to be affecting things.

 

[subwannabe]

I think you should see a shrink if you are really interested in this issue.

 

[CutieMouse]

The best cure for a stressed out, touched out, everything is on my shoulders wife?

A husband who understands sex starts way before falling into bed.

It sounds like the children are mostly your responsibility (by default, or choice). Why? If you work full time, where is your husband's "running list" of responsibilities [to make your life easier, give you space to relax]? If sex hasn't been a high priority to begin with, it will become even less so if/ when your partner enables the "super mom/ super wife" syndrome.

Where can he puck up the slack? What are you willing to hand off? Do you schedule date time [non sexual], just to connect as adults (not parents)? Can you hire a housekeeper? Mother's helper?

 

[ConfoundedWife]

Several of you mentioned date nights - Last date night was several months ago. We havehad one weekend away in the past 5 years. I think this should improve. I will talk to my husband about it.

Several people have mentioned going to the doctor. Did I mention I dread going to the doctor. My last physical (besides pregnancy appointments) was when I was a kid. I have insurance and could go. I just have never really done it. It is on my to do list. I rarely get sick and so it has never been a priority. I need to though. I realize this. If I went to the doctor, they probably could refer me to a counselor.


About the fidgety, I say fidgety but in reality it is such an overwhelming feeling. I get the same feeling if I have my tennis shoes on for too long or if my hair rubs the back of my neck. I really feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. Someone once asked me if I had sensory issues. Perhaps.

Someone mentioned my husband helping out more. We both have a lot going on. I work full-time and he goes to school full-time. He actually spends more time at home (with kids) than I do. He does the grocery shopping and appointments. When we married he completely sucked at doing house work and basically just did not do it. Throughout the past few years he has improved and will take out the trash or empty the dishwasher without me telling him. But anything else I have to ask him to do. Him cleaning house has been an issue for us.

As I am typing all this, I feel like this issue is so complicated. There is all these factors that come into play. It feels overwhelming sometimes. I do not want to sound like one of those people that always talk about what they cannot do or give a reason why everything fails. But I start to feel like that when I think about all these thing. I also feel like after going through my day of work and kids, when do I have time to work on this stuff? Logically I know I need to work on these things but the when and how are so complicated for me to figure out right now.

 

[Debbie]

Most people will admit that there are times when they have felt overwhelmed. Life can be fast pace and a juggling act. You aren't superwoman and that is ok. It really is. Sometimes you have to let the washing pile up a little or prioritize what is most important and what can wait.

As my children got older taking the washing to the hamper was their job or clearing the table, doing a quick toy tidy up and they got reward charts and acknowledgement of how important what they did to help their family and that it was invaluable.


It really sounds like you two need some adult time. It doesn't have to be about sex. Going to the movies, out to a leisurely dinner, a stroll or even a few hours doing chores and being silly with each other.

Have you got friends and family that can help you with the kids to get time together?

Perhaps the antsy feeling is from being so anxious about everything that is going on?

I get a bit wound up if I have a lot of things on and I go beat my pillow up, write my feelings out and rip it up, have a cup of tea or coffee with a friend and vent, read a book and just relax.

Dancing to your favourite music is theraputic too.

 

[Que]

My take:

You and he are trapped in a cycle.

You WANTING to have sexual feelings for him, but just not having them...

Him desperately wanting the validation that comes from sex.

You put on a brave face, try your best to find the time and motivation, and probably enjoy it fine when it all gets in motion.

He feels like he "pressured" you so he backs off a little, gives you space...does the dishes, watches the kids...thinking if only he removes "stress" from your life the sex fairy will bless your union.

The problem is that ISN'T how women's bodies react to supplication.

Your heart and mind KNOW you have a great guy and you DO appreciate him "not pushing"

Plenty of women in high stress situations miraculously find time, space and motivation for affairs...affairs are hot...they are naughty. and dangerous.

Your guy is not. Not his fault. We of this generation are socialized with this idea that a man just can't be a man. Men by nature are sort of assholes...suppress that too much and it becomes unappealing milquetoast.

I STRONGLY recommend he seek our marriedmansexlife blog. There are forums there, He has a book....

Its not some big secret...you can read too, but he needs some manly me-time of his own...he needs to be a little more directive...

You guys have everything else...why skimp on the BEST part of marriage, the SEX


If you are having sex less than 10x per year you are in a sexless marriage according to most marriage counselors...dont be that. It sucks. For both of you.

Think of it this way: if you are not having sex, you are roomates...if you are roomates there is no reason you both cant have all of the celibate friends you want...at some point someone is going to be strongly attracted to someone outside the marriage...and it isnt always the partner you would guess.

 

[Que]

Oh and one more thing for him specifically...not sure if "45 minutes" is a fairly new thing and if any drugs like SSRIs (Prozac, Paxil) are involved...

He should talk to his Doc about anorgasmia. Drugs do that...might have some circulation issues...

Also, idiosyncratic masturbatory practices can cause sex to go too long (and for a lot of women especially a reluctant partner 45 minutes is a daunting challenge)

Basically if getting yourself off in a way that isnt practical for partnered sex (speed rythm etc) its going to make partnered sex difficult.

If it is hard for the male to get off, it makes the female feel less sexy in my experience. I have had extremely confident, indisputably sexy partners lose confidence when I don't happen to get off.

I have tried all sorts of pre- and post coital approaches to make that ok with the girl...I haven't found anything that makes them feel better.

They EXPECT to be able to please you easily, when it is difficult, we all get in our heads and out of our loins and that kills orgasms and future desires..

 

[GrrlFriday]

What do you do to look after yourself?

 

[ConfoundedWife]

I have been thinking a lot about things today. I think a lot of my problems stem from life stresses. I am constantly working, taking care of kids, cleaning, or doing something. I feel like I give so much in my life. I do end up neglecting myself.
I am not really the type of person that likes to go out to a bar or any of that. I am not the girl that likes to get all made up. But I used to enjoy a few things that I rarely do anymore. I used to love to take baths. I have taken 2 baths in the last month, both with my youngest in the tub with me which is pretty typical lately. I used to paint my toe nails. I painted my toenails for the first time this week in 6 months. I rarely go out with my friends. I do see my friends on a regular basis with kids in tow.
The same for date nights. Before kids we would have date nights regularly. Now that we have kids and don't really have a babysitter, date nights are maybe every 6 months if lucky. We take our kids with us out to eat.
I think I need to work on more me time and more couple time. Here are my goals: Paint toe nails and take a nice hot relaxing bath at least once a week. Date night once a month.

 

[Debbie]

Good on you and stop being so unkind to yourself. Parents need time to themselves too. To recharge your batteries and to cope with what life throws at you. You're a team. Good luck and take care.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Imagine what life was like before America succumbed to ME ME ME. Like when town was 70 miles away and your horse was feeling poorly.

This thread is Too funny.

Shower, paint your toenails, and STFU.

 

[LWulf]

I'm not a medical person nor have any certifiable background, etc. However, I have an opinion like anybody else, and I thought I'd share a gut feeling that nobody has voiced...

I agree with others when I read the OP posting, that medical advice should be sought. Initially I read exactly what ogg later pointed out that the husband was having a dysfunction first, yet that concept wasn't followed up.

I'm going to go out on a limb and ask, with certain bluntness, when the husband was first starting to take the medication, did the wife by any chance french to completion? Oral gratification is a time honored cop-out for women to appease the men folk while they feel little ambition to enjoy sex at the same time. Which is what the husband was saying at first. His wife "...always had issues involving sex, and lately it's been getting more difficult for her"

I ask this because it seems odd that the husband first starts taking medication that inhibits sex drive, then soon after, the wife starts experiencing inhibited sex drive. I have read studies that state that what we eat can pass through out systems and still be active, though filtered.
It's possible that the medication that the husband is taking is having an adverse though delayed reaction on the wife.

That the wife is willing to entertain the idea of this thread to me states she is feeling on some level that something is odd/out of place.

That she mentions "I just get all edgy. Most of the time, I do not want him to touch my breasts. There are even nights where I do not want him kissing me. I say it makes me edgy because I feel like I want to fidget and it is very overwhelming" to me suggests a chemical imbalance. The best way to deduce this as being a possible factor would be to note when the "edginess" occurs and if it is after the husband takes his medication.

Then note what both were doing beforehand within 4-6 hours previous (ie, did he just take his medication?). That she notes she likes to cuddle sometimes, and then gets edgy other times indicates something isn't constant. There are plenty of other reasons for mood swings, and I'm not trying to discount simple lack of interest or simple stress, I'm just exploring plausible ideas that come to mind.

I just thought I'd point out the obliquely shared pharmacological angle.

It's easy to point a finger at the wife and say "it's your fault" however, just remember that a marriage is made of two people. In other words, nobody is at "fault", it's just life and sometimes "stuff" happens.

 

[Eilan]

The best cure for a stressed out, touched out, everything is on my shoulders wife?

A husband who understands sex starts way before falling into bed.

It sounds like the children are mostly your responsibility (by default, or choice). Why? If you work full time, where is your husband's "running list" of responsibilities [to make your life easier, give you space to relax]? If sex hasn't been a high priority to begin with, it will become even less so if/ when your partner enables the "super mom/ super wife" syndrome.

Where can he puck up the slack? What are you willing to hand off? Do you schedule date time [non sexual], just to connect as adults (not parents)? Can you hire a housekeeper? Mother's helper?

Everything in this post, but what I bolded in particular.

 

[ConfoundedWife]

I have not been on in a while and thought I should update/get back to this.

First I want to point out that my issues started before my husband started taking medication. I have always had a low sex drive and these issues have been going on for several years on and off. Just it has worsened since the medication. Before the meds, I rarely wanted sex but sometimes would have sex so he could cum.

We have had sex several times since I posted last. I have been trying to take time for myself which is hard with working and 2 kids but the little things add up. Right? DH and I are working on getting a date night.

 

[pplwatching]

I hope that both of you can find some comfort in knowing that these seemingly small things that you've done greatly improve your chances of making it through these difficult times. Many couples never even get as far as the two of you have.

I won't bore you by rehashing our past. However, I will say that my wife and I went through a long stretch of severely mismatched libidos. The challenges that you face and the path that you walk are unique to you and your marriage, but I will share some things that we experienced and some things that helped us.

Lovers need to be able to walk these paths together. Neither of us could afford to view our issues as "his problem", "her problem", or something that only one of us needed to fix. We both had to take ownership of the problem. We had to learn to communicate our needs without accusation or judgement. We had to learn to listen to each other's needs without hearing criticism or judgement. Perhaps most importantly, we had to learn to forgive each other every day.

We started with visits to doctors and OBGYNs. Her gyno wasn't well prepared to address the problem, because my wife was healthy at the time. She recommended lube. We tried different approaches to birth control, and discovered that hormonal birth control can be a libido killer. That was an eye opener for me.

One of the things that really helped us was learning something about our personality types, communication styles, and our "love languages". For example, I get a tremendous amount of validation of myself and of our relationship from sex with my wife. To me, sex isn't about just wanting an orgasm. A major part of it is about how I feel when I'm making my wife feel good, and giving her pleasure. Not having regular sex was a big problem because not having sex leaves me feeling disconnected from my wife, and lonely. It sounds like your husband may be the same.

We went to a marriage counselor and learned to talk to each other. My wife felt many of the things that you've felt, although it may be your husband that expressed some of them. Her love languages are different than mine. She needs to hear words of appreciation and affirmation. She enjoys sex, but it means something different to her. Our differences didn't mean that one of us was right and the other was wrong, or that not having sex was an acceptable solution. We were both emotionally invested in the problem, which made it more difficult for us to address. Knowing our differences helped us keep our marriage from flying apart.

We had to tear down some barriers that we had both put up. We had to create opportunities to be sexual, creating opportunities to have sex, and most importantly by being open to having sex. Creating opportunities to be sexual meant that we had to understand that sex doesn't begin and end in the bedroom. An affectionate look in the kitchen, holding hands in the grocery store, a kiss at the front door, and many other little things have their place in the sexual palette of our marriage. My wife likes to joke that I am at my sexiest when I offer to load the dishwasher ;-) The little acts help tear down the barriers that we put up and deepen our emotional connection to each other. That was very healthy for our sex life in the more traditional sense. Somewhere along the line my wife started flashing me at opportune moments .

Creating opportunities to have sex was much trickier. Like you, my wife had a full life. At various times hers included two toddlers in diapers at the same time, working on her master's degree, a full time job, and being a full time mom. Stir in a generous portion of reproductive health issues over the years, and it wasn't too surprising that sex was rarely on the menu. We had to make time to have sex. Date nights were a double edged sword. They did give us the opportunity to talk (we didn't just go sit in a dark theater), but when we'd get home after a night out she would be just as tired as when we left the house. We had to learn to go to bed at the same time, steal time in the morning while the kids were still asleep (if we were lucky), and not feel embarrassed about dropping the kids off at their grandparents just so we could have sex (although we didn't tell them that!). I am not ashamed to say that sometimes we had sex while the kids were distracted by the TV.

The last bit was probably the most difficult; We had to be open to having sex. That meant that if I wanted sex, I was free to approach her and she would be receptive. That didn't mean that we always had sex just because I initiated. Sometimes being sexual didn't lead to actually having sex together. Sometimes she lovingly helped me take care of my own needs, or lovingly take care of them for me. Other times she'd drift off to sleep while I was caressing her. I had to be able to see when sex wasn't going to materialize, but many times I felt good that she'd accepted my advances and I would wait for the next opportunity to try again. We both had to learn not to feel obligated or feel rejected if "regular sex" didn't materialize. I had to learn and accept that not wanting sex on any given night wasn't a rejection of me as a husband or lover. A BJ given out of love wasn't duty sex. My wife learned to see sex as a way to strengthen and deepen our love relationship. And, sometimes, she would get turned on and we'd make passionate love.

Obviously things will be different in your situation if you aren't comfortable being touched. Maybe a therapist can suggest exercises that will help you learn to welcome your husband's touch. If you can't afford marriage counseling then perhaps self help books would be a good place to start. There's many of them with recognizable names.

I hope that you can see that you're doing the right things, and hope that you feel encouraged to stay the course.