Psychology of submission.

[nakedginger]

Thank you for all the replies. It was very interesting reading.

I feel there is an element of religious ritual, the rules and routines of submission do require a devotion. Maybe our brains are hardwired to see out routine, a sort of displacement activity we can concentrate on.

I have suffered with anxiety, controllable but it's there all the same and I guess it's a tendency of mine. Maybe this state is a sort of trauma.

Constant reminder of your submission or shall we say kink. Being ordered not to wear underwear and having to negotiate a day with that constant reminder. Doing tasks etc. All these re-enforce a feeling of submission.

Yes, humiliation is personal and subjective but ends up in the same place. For me there is an element of de-personalisation that really gets me off. Enforced nudity, knowing that I am on display and there is nothing I can do about it and being positioned, discussed and probed like an object. Made to do domestic chores and scrutinised and constraint in rope bondage all restrict my freedom. The way the Doms will use this situation to degrade me I find very arousing.

 

[Acktion]

I've a friend who is a psychologist. Not really into BDSM, but she knows her shit. She says that it is nearly always a result of past trauma.

Not saying I agree, but food for thought maybe.

In a word, and with all due respect to your friend, "nope."

Or perhaps I should say, "a resounding yes and no."

We are all of us, down to the last and least, a composite of our past. Our traumas and our triumphs. A kintsugi of our scars. But, it's the gold we fill the fractures with that makes us what we become.

I am well aware of several dominant types with little to no submissive left in them who have endured similar trauma to those encountered by others who have gravitated to the submissive end of the spectrum.

I am well aware of others who have suffered similar traumas and would not touch anything approaching BDSM with someone else's stick, but are more vanilla than Dairy Queen soft-serve.

And, I am well aware of yet others who became asexual due to said traumas and can not fathom how anyone could be involved in a relationship that was anything other than platonic.

However, their stories are not mine to tell.

Mine, on the other hand, is. And I have shared (and perhaps overshared) much of it in several places around here.

In a nutshell, thumbnail brief... I, too, am a survivor of abuse. Emotional, mental, physical, and, yes, sexual. I say "survivor" rather than "victim" because although I had no choice in the matter and no recourse when it occurred, I categorically refuse to give them (or anyone else) any power over the me I've become and the choices I make since. Even as I realize that my pure stubborn lack of submission IS a product that might not be so pronounced if those events had not occurred.

***shrug***

It's not a pissing contest. And each person's trauma is no worse nor better to them than someone else experiences theirs. All pain, whether physical, emotional, or otherwise, is equally real to the organism experiencing it. And any coping mechanism that maintains viability is equally valid.

So, no. I'm afraid your friend is mistaken. The particular traumas that she has in mind do not necessarily predilect future submissive behaviors in everyone.

 

[jackofthedawn]

I've a friend who is a psychologist. Not really into BDSM, but she knows her shit. She says that it is nearly always a result of past trauma.

Not saying I agree, but food for thought maybe.

Skepticism is appropriate here. For some clinical psychologists, it seems nearly everything is seen as due to a past trauma. As the saying goes, if your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

Personally, I can't remember any time in my past when my sexuality wasn't linked to submissive feelings. I feel I am just wired that way.

 

[Dreamliner]

Hi nakedginger, welcome to the D/s lifestyle.

If you have trust and confidence with a significant other, it provides you with the opportunity to seek comfort in their arms, knowing you can rely on them not to abuse the dynamic. The trust and confidence is not to be underestimated.

That ability to release control, knowing your Dom/Domme will look after you, that sense of contentment, will open up many opportunities to explore with each other.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Hi nakedginger, welcome to the D/s lifestyle.

If you have trust and confidence with a significant other, it provides you with the opportunity to seek comfort in their arms, knowing you can rely on them not to abuse the dynamic. The trust and confidence is not to be underestimated.

That ability to release control, knowing your Dom/Domme will look after you, that sense of contentment, will open up many opportunities to explore with each other.

Well said.

About this: "And, I am well aware of yet others who became asexual due to said traumas and can not fathom how anyone could be involved in a relationship that was anything other than platonic" ~Acktion

Personal pet peeve and PSA: this would be sex negative asexual. Asexual is not a one size fits all term; there are many many many kinds of asexual, including sex and relationship positive asexual.
But your message is spot on, and as always *respect* for all you chose to share freely and openly in the hopes of helping others. Thank you for your wisdom and courage.

 

[Chewbacca79]

In a word, and with all due respect to your friend, "nope."

Or perhaps I should say, "a resounding yes and no."

We are all of us, down to the last and least, a composite of our past. Our traumas and our triumphs. A kintsugi of our scars. But, it's the gold we fill the fractures with that makes us what we become.

I am well aware of several dominant types with little to no submissive left in them who have endured similar trauma to those encountered by others who have gravitated to the submissive end of the spectrum.

I am well aware of others who have suffered similar traumas and would not touch anything approaching BDSM with someone else's stick, but are more vanilla than Dairy Queen soft-serve.

And, I am well aware of yet others who became asexual due to said traumas and can not fathom how anyone could be involved in a relationship that was anything other than platonic.

However, their stories are not mine to tell.

Mine, on the other hand, is. And I have shared (and perhaps overshared) much of it in several places around here.

In a nutshell, thumbnail brief... I, too, am a survivor of abuse. Emotional, mental, physical, and, yes, sexual. I say "survivor" rather than "victim" because although I had no choice in the matter and no recourse when it occurred, I categorically refuse to give them (or anyone else) any power over the me I've become and the choices I make since. Even as I realize that my pure stubborn lack of submission IS a product that might not be so pronounced if those events had not occurred.

***shrug***

It's not a pissing contest. And each person's trauma is no worse nor better to them than someone else experiences theirs. All pain, whether physical, emotional, or otherwise, is equally real to the organism experiencing it. And any coping mechanism that maintains viability is equally valid.

So, no. I'm afraid your friend is mistaken. The particular traumas that she has in mind do not necessarily predilect future submissive behaviors in everyone.

Skepticism is appropriate here. For some clinical psychologists, it seems nearly everything is seen as due to a past trauma. As the saying goes, if your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

Personally, I can't remember any time in my past when my sexuality wasn't linked to submissive feelings. I feel I am just wired that way.

Well, I'm very much a novice as far as BDSM goes, so will bow to your superior knowledge, folks.

 

[Beth87]

I may have to borrow one of those long ladders to get myself out of this as I have been told off that I was "being mean" not to explain more and tried to point out that I'm not the submissive here to be tasked. And assigning research is a viable task.

***sigh***

I meet fewer and fewer Doms as pushy as some submissives can be...

Any road, I've got a leg up on some in some ways and a certain weakness in others from the training way, way back before some that might be reading this might have been born. My particular field of study was interdisciplinary. So, I don't tend to think in terms of pure psychology or pure sociology or pure neurology but a holistic intersection of all of them.

And it just makes more sense to me that way as two individuals with a similar societal background can come out as two very different people. Or two people with similar psychological profiles might then develop quite differently due to societal pressures.

But, back to the topic I was "being a meanie" about.

I was apparently not clear in part due to my endeavor to brevity (for a change) when I mentioned the ability to separate "self" from "other." Some of the papers out there on the subject have identified a certain... "blurriness" or "messiness" (got to love those scientific terms) within the temporoparietal junction as a potential cause behind why some people have more of an inclusiveness in their self-identity as opposed to a certain rugged individualism.

As it happens, they were talking in societal terms. And one of the (to my mind) fallacies is that they tend to look at society as a whole country (for example) or a community rather than the smaller groupings within the community of family units. So, they were thinking (and writing) in terms of how the individual would intersect with the community as a whole rather than within the specific relationship.

I did find it interesting that in one paper, in particular, they pointed out that the same individual that was considered "unwell" and "socially maladjusted" within the current stereotypical American culture was viewed as a Shaman and one of the village elders when he moved to a more inclusive culture that did not value as much rugged individualism and blossomed under the new set of social mores where he was viewed as a social strength as opposed to a social drain.

Currently, there are not papers that discuss the impact of this on the Dynamick that I am aware of. But, that is because it is a relatively new finding (comparatively speaking) and they are still viewing in terms of... ummm... Aspergers, Alzheimer's,..er, Shizophrenia... I don't frankly recall the entire alphabetical list that they were drawing some inferences for. But, they are currently empire-building, looking to posterity, their "legacy" (or at least tenure), and so are focused on "bigger" things in their studies.

I, on the other hand, am sort of post-ambition. At least that sort of ambitions. And was merely looking at in terms of a puzzle piece to occupy my mind while I combat the encroachment of a disease that seems intent on devouring my intellect. Ergo, I fully admit that I reserve the right to be incredibly wrong and don't mind in the slightest being corrected.

However, the logic seems to hold together to my myopic mind.

A submissive (of either gender) tends to have something along the continuity of inclusiveness in their self-image, whereas dominants (of either gender) tend to have something more along the continuity of individualism with less inclusiveness in theirs. Or perhaps a different sort of inclusiveness.

Don't get me wrong. There are "bedroom only" submissives who are strong and independent outside the boudoir and tend to view themselves as whole and complete without anyone else until it comes time to have their sexual needs met. And there are Dominants who do not feel dominant without a submissive. But, for the most part, the submissive tend to look outside themselves for direction and the Dominant tends to look within. Hence my thought process about whether this could be a missing puzzle piece.

As far as humiliation mentioned in your original post... Well, perhaps this little puzzle piece doesn't fit. Or perhaps it does.

In a nutshell, erotic humiliation specifically somehow drives the endorphin stew for you. What the specific words are that set your kitty to purring are irrelevant for this discussion as not only is humiliation not one of my driving fetishes but I am not the One who will be using them with you.

Sociologically within the smaller relationship unit, such words that imply you might be less than equate to your Person being more than, and therefore better suited to take control of the situation.

Psychologically, you hear the words and view the actions. The words say you are not worthy. But, the fact they are still there and doing such debauched things to you, with you, for you shows that they find you so. And the dissonance piledrives the emotive response by by-passing your brain-feed that would argue internally with whatever compliment was given. "You're just saying I'm beautiful to get into my panties, but I'm not really." And it frees you to focus on actions rather than words.

Neurologically... well, why wouldn't the aforementioned temporoparietal junction "blurriness" or "messiness" be responsible for releasing the endorphin stew. Since, that is, after all, the control area for self-perception.

And, on a side-note, "damage" (which was unspecified) to this area has been noted to produce reports of "out of body experiences." Or "like it's not really me somehow..."

***shrug***

Well, hopefully she'll let me get away with stopping there. And, as always, I'm left wondering if I actually contributed anything to the actual question at hand.

But, either way, Alice, keep in mind that at the end of the day, you are most impressively you. Whatever has made you that way. And the people (and People) in your life, if you are impressed with Them... well, then that must mean that whatever you are is a damn fine thing, then. Right?

Now, if you will excuse me, it is time for me to gyre and gimble in the wabe.

Is that area of the brain linked to psychological dissociation; that you’re aware of?

In part asking because im a psych nerd and in part because im doing an assignment where im trying to develop a research proposal linking lucid dreaming to a “dysfunction” level and dissociation. But ive found it difficult to be as neuro focussed in the set up as i need to be with LD being so under researched.

 

[Beth87]

(Sorry if I'm dumbing this discussion down a little, I'm not up to speed on clinical psychology but I do have some personal observations I'd like to bounce off some better minds.)

I once read that in the early days of automobiles it was once thought that drivers would never be able to go faster than 30 miles per hour because the human brain couldn't think fast enough to process all of the information coming at them, overwhelming the mind. In the days of wagon roads this may have been true, but as roads improved there was less to pay attention to. It's interesting that it's common for people to report emergencies or accidents to happen in 'slow motion' in their minds. I work in a field where a significant amount of my work could be lethal if not properly attended to, the danger tightens my focus and time seems to warp to where it's hard to estimate how quickly time is passing.

Erotic bondage and being dominated can overwhelm my mind in a similar fashion, making it impossible to focus on all of the different simultaneous stimulations. My mind reels and rattles like a pinball bouncing between buffers and obstacles: "Oh that feels so good, what is she doing now? What was that? Ouch! Oh yum! What am I wearing? Who is looking at me? Oh, that feels so good..."

There can be too many things going on at once to pay attention to all of them, yet those things can each be titillating in a way where they trigger new endorphins each time I come to focus on a different stimulus. Being sexually over stimulated in a situation I have little control of can have a snowballing effect and get me 'higher' than a lot of pain can reach. Getting spanked while my endorphins are raging can fill me with surprise that I'm so turned on that something that would usually hurt has become a turn on... it enters a sort of erotic feedback loop.


Even in situations that aren't as extreme as bondage, having more erotic stimuli that I don't have control of can compound the sensations. Does this make sense to anyone other than me?

If nothing else, it has a tendency to clear out my asthma.

Fear actually plays a huge part in attention. When driving you're looking for hazards - this is why they teach hazard perception. But fear makes our brain see everything as a hazard, and therefore you have too much info trying to be processed without any way of reliably prioritising the content. Your eyes will see everything, it wont all be encoded into your memory.

Also physiological stimulus overload is likely to simply be clearing any emotional barriers that reduce our ability to fully immerse ourselves in pleasure. But thats way less sexy a description so feel free to burn after reading

 

[Beth87]

I know my source..abuse. It impacts at different levels. So the guy training me to become sexually aroused to cue words when i was 13..the notion of permission to cum is particularly strong for me. Feels most natural. I dont feel like its an unprocessed thing and could probably be incorporated into healthy sex life if my partner were into it, but he’s not.

On the opposite spectrum, the unresolved bs..comes from my dad abusing me. And that completely unmet need of him loving me in a safe way, from never giving me his attention. The abuse was always about pleasing him. I was a doll for all intents and purposes. He was only interested in this fantasy version of me. So yeah, when that gets set off, i go complete submissive. I dont have boundaries (or i will break most of them to please that person). In the past its never mattered how long ive known them or the relationship ive built because a few key buttons get pressed and a strangers wellbeing suddenly becomes more important than my own. In my head im stuck on the “i need my dad to love me” track.

Classic daddy issues i guess.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I know my source..abuse. It impacts at different levels. So the guy training me to become sexually aroused to cue words when i was 13..the notion of permission to cum is particularly strong for me. Feels most natural. I dont feel like its an unprocessed thing and could probably be incorporated into healthy sex life if my partner were into it, but he’s not.

On the opposite spectrum, the unresolved bs..comes from my dad abusing me. And that completely unmet need of him loving me in a safe way, from never giving me his attention. The abuse was always about pleasing him. I was a doll for all intents and purposes. He was only interested in this fantasy version of me. So yeah, when that gets set off, i go complete submissive. I dont have boundaries (or i will break most of them to please that person). In the past its never mattered how long ive known them or the relationship ive built because a few key buttons get pressed and a strangers wellbeing suddenly becomes more important than my own. In my head im stuck on the “i need my dad to love me” track.

Classic daddy issues i guess.

Bolded for accurate. This is part of the cause of my considering myself a *dangerous submissive*. Thank you for putting that into words.

 

[SophieUK]

Thank you for all the replies. It was very interesting reading.

I feel there is an element of religious ritual, the rules and routines of submission do require a devotion. Maybe our brains are hardwired to see out routine, a sort of displacement activity we can concentrate on.

I have suffered with anxiety, controllable but it's there all the same and I guess it's a tendency of mine. Maybe this state is a sort of trauma.

Constant reminder of your submission or shall we say kink. Being ordered not to wear underwear and having to negotiate a day with that constant reminder. Doing tasks etc. All these re-enforce a feeling of submission.

Yes, humiliation is personal and subjective but ends up in the same place. For me there is an element of de-personalisation that really gets me off. Enforced nudity, knowing that I am on display and there is nothing I can do about it and being positioned, discussed and probed like an object. Made to do domestic chores and scrutinised and constraint in rope bondage all restrict my freedom. The way the Doms will use this situation to degrade me I find very arousing.

This bit in particular (that many of my partners don’t ‘get’): “.. an element of de-personalisation that really gets me off.. “

 

[Mei5ter]

Thank you for all the replies. It was very interesting reading.

I feel there is an element of religious ritual, the rules and routines of submission do require a devotion. Maybe our brains are hardwired to see out routine, a sort of displacement activity we can concentrate on.

I have suffered with anxiety, controllable but it's there all the same and I guess it's a tendency of mine. Maybe this state is a sort of trauma.

Constant reminder of your submission or shall we say kink. Being ordered not to wear underwear and having to negotiate a day with that constant reminder. Doing tasks etc. All these re-enforce a feeling of submission.

Yes, humiliation is personal and subjective but ends up in the same place. For me there is an element of de-personalisation that really gets me off. Enforced nudity, knowing that I am on display and there is nothing I can do about it and being positioned, discussed and probed like an object. Made to do domestic chores and scrutinised and constraint in rope bondage all restrict my freedom. The way the Doms will use this situation to degrade me I find very arousing.

Isn't there a safety and security in the kind of submission you describe here, though?

Routines and rituals can often be coping mechanisms for anxiety, I think, as well as providing the framework and boundaries for a D/S relationship. I don't understand how and why, and there seem to be plenty of psychiatrists and psychologists here who doubtless know better than me, but my guess would be that there are two complimentary strands here.

Firstly, ingrained routine of any kind is comfortable and familiar, and something which can be a safer retreat in stressful situations. Routines of any kind can be boring, but they also simplify.

Secondly, and this is part of your post which I find particularly interesting, the rituals and submission you describe all involve you becoming the focus of someone's attention. You aren't being ignored. Someone has decided to care what panties you wear. Someone has ordered you not to wear underwear for a day, and the unfamiliarity of that is a constant reminder of their care of control (or both - they can overlap). Even the depersonalisation you describe actually makes you the focus of everything. You are on show. You are being discussed and probed, to use your own words. You speak of degradation, but in many ways you're the star of the show while your dom watches. You've become special in how you dress and how you act.

Do the ropes that bind you also keep you safe?

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Isn't there a safety and security in the kind of submission you describe here, though?

Routines and rituals can often be coping mechanisms for anxiety, I think, as well as providing the framework and boundaries for a D/S relationship. I don't understand how and why, and there seem to be plenty of psychiatrists and psychologists here who doubtless know better than me, but my guess would be that there are two complimentary strands here.

Firstly, ingrained routine of any kind is comfortable and familiar, and something which can be a safer retreat in stressful situations. Routines of any kind can be boring, but they also simplify.

Secondly, and this is part of your post which I find particularly interesting, the rituals and submission you describe all involve you becoming the focus of someone's attention. You aren't being ignored. Someone has decided to care what panties you wear. Someone has ordered you not to wear underwear for a day, and the unfamiliarity of that is a constant reminder of their care of control (or both - they can overlap). Even the depersonalisation you describe actually makes you the focus of everything. You are on show. You are being discussed and probed, to use your own words. You speak of degradation, but in many ways you're the star of the show while your dom watches. You've become special in how you dress and how you act.

Do the ropes that bind you also keep you safe?

Yes.

This is a very fine line to walk, and one that took a very specific person or rather two separate people working on me on the same issue from two different angles for me to come to terms with. There is a very fine line between true submission, and using your Person as a crutch or "emotional garbage bag" as someone once put it. This is where no one can know what is going on but the submissive themself.

Like an apology should be offered not to make the person apologizing feel better, it should be offered to make the validate and acknowledge the person you have wronged. No one can be in your head except you.
The same is true here. If you seek a Dominant and their attention to fill your own attention whore "see me see me" needs... then *I will not finish that sentence.*
Submission, while it may help to improve the submissive's life, and in my opinion it SHOULD... the how and where should be up to the Dominant, but the goal of my own submission should never be to fix me. If that is what it is, I'll go find a therapist. The goal of my submission is exactly that... my Master's happiness. If it pleases him (and it does) to actively give me ways that involve him to cope with my own anxiety, then that is part of my submission. It is an after effect, not my stated sought after goal.

It took me a long ass time to get there, and I did a lot of damage learning that lesson. I used to belikeve that it was my job to make my person feel better... and i NEEDED IT. I needed it badly. If I wasnt allowed or able to do that it tore me apart... because that *good girl* was the drug I sought. It made my world go round. <<stinkin thinkin.

Instead I had to learn in very hard ways that I needed to accept that wait is service too. That if it is what my person wants to have me just sit beside them and be their teddybear, then THAT is what I should do. Obeying one is not more positive or more worthy than the other, and should not make me feel less pleased, or internally satisfied if my own mental state is where it should be.

Though he will never see it; Thank you Mr. Richard and you know who you are for teaching me that. I will forever be grateful.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I've a friend who is a psychologist. Not really into BDSM, but she knows her shit. She says that it is nearly always a result of past trauma.

Hmmmmm.

Wismeijer AAJ and van Assen MALM. Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. J Sex Med 2013;10:1943–1952.

The results mostly suggest favorable psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners compared with the control group; BDSM practitioners were less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, had higher subjective well‐being, yet were less agreeable...
We conclude that BDSM may be thought of as a recreational leisure, rather than the expression of psychopathological processes.

N. Kenneth Sandnabba , Pekka Santtila , Laurence Alison & Niklas Nordling. Demographics, sexual behaviour, family background and abuse experiences of practitioners of sadomasochistic sex: A review of recent research

In the present sample [of Finnish BDSM practitioners] sexual abuse had occurred for 7.9% of the male and 22.7% of the female respondents...

...which is obviously a long way from a majority. Indeed, I'm not sure that it's any more common than rates for the general population?

 

[Beth87]

That % is actually less than our best estimates of the rate of sexual violence. those stand at 1 in 4 girls and significantly less than the 1 in 6 boys. So no, abuse doesnt always create perpetual victims of women and perpetual abusers of men. I suspect in cases of sexual violence the outcomes for boys are different than when they experience domestic abuse

 

[Bramblethorn]

That % is actually less than our best estimates of the rate of sexual violence. those stand at 1 in 4 girls and significantly less than the 1 in 6 boys. So no, abuse doesnt always create perpetual victims of women and perpetual abusers of men. I suspect in cases of sexual violence the outcomes for boys are different than when they experience domestic abuse

Yep. It's hard to be definite about such comparisons because the numbers will change significantly depending on exactly how one defines concepts and collects that data - a difference between "8%" in one source and "1 in 6 [17%]" in another source can easily be just due to measurement issues. But it certainly doesn't seem to support the idea that trauma is the main cause of BDSM tendencies.

 

[LauraWilling]

I know my source..abuse. It impacts at different levels. So the guy training me to become sexually aroused to cue words when i was 13..the notion of permission to cum is particularly strong for me. Feels most natural. I dont feel like its an unprocessed thing and could probably be incorporated into healthy sex life if my partner were into it, but he’s not.

On the opposite spectrum, the unresolved bs..comes from my dad abusing me. And that completely unmet need of him loving me in a safe way, from never giving me his attention. The abuse was always about pleasing him. I was a doll for all intents and purposes. He was only interested in this fantasy version of me. So yeah, when that gets set off, i go complete submissive. I dont have boundaries (or i will break most of them to please that person). In the past its never mattered how long ive known them or the relationship ive built because a few key buttons get pressed and a strangers wellbeing suddenly becomes more important than my own. In my head im stuck on the “i need my dad to love me” track.

Classic daddy issues i guess.

This whole subject has really caught my attention and I am trying to understand it being a submissive all my life. First let me say I know I am not a rocket scientist and a lot goes right over my head (no pun intended. I'm 4'11") But what Beth87 said really got some bells ringing and I am not sure why, but I think it was the comment about being "a doll for all intents and purposes." I don't feel it was from my father or either parent in a sexual way, but maybe in things said and how I was treated by everyone. Anything sexual came from others than my parents, but from an older cousin, a babysitter and kids at school. I always thought it was my physical size and/or intelligence, maybe(?)

I always wanted to be liked and included, but my size sometimes did not allow that like in school with team sports and on the playgrounds. I feel I tried to make up for size being nice, being cooperative with anything told to me. I know I can be pretty gullible, maybe not as much now that I am older, but I sure see it looking back at a lot of my life.

Boys at first then men were always telling me things in various ways that girls like me were made for pleases enjoyment or pleasure and I believed it, I saw how men reacted to me as I developed physically and then when I started dancing I really experienced it and felt the rush of others enjoying watching me and being close and even touching me. But this faded as soon as I left work and I wanted it to stay with me. So I continued doing things that attracted attention. Usually with my body and smile.

The more I did these things, it was kind of like a drug, I think. More would be better and this got me into more things sexually and including escorting (mainly for money), BDSM, humiliation (not always the same thing) and more. Even fear added to the sexual aspect for me and others enjoying me became a huge turn on for me. I found myself submitting to things I never would have imagined as boundaries were pushed.

Anyway now that I am older and on my own again I wonder why even more why I am like this and still have trouble saying no to people I want to like me. I often feel like a toy. Sorry I am rambling.