Puns

[bashfull]

It has been awhile since I've been on Lit. Glad to see this thread still alive.

 

[investor2020]

Purloined from @hotoldrguy on another thread

 

[investor2020]

 

[investor2020]

Purloined from @hotoldrguy on another thread

 

[investor2020]

 

[investor2020]

 

[investor2020]

 

[investor2020]

 

[investor2020]

 

[bashfull]

I laughed way too hard at this

 

[investor2020]

 

[investor2020]

I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that's humorous.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" He replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon.”

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.

The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court... it was a brief case.

Ran out of toilet paper, now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.

My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right...Jack and the beans talk.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of Herbivore.

I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.

Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

 

[12oclocktales]

A frog walks into a bank, goes up to the assistant manager, Ms. Patty Black, and asks for a loan.

“Do you have any collateral?” she asks.

“Yes, I have a pink ceramic elephant.”

“I’ll have to speak to the manager,” she says.

She goes to the manager and says, “There’s a frog out there who wants a loan and has a pink ceramic elephant for collateral. What should I do?”

The manager says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Black, but give the frog a loan.”

 

[investor2020]

 

[cactusjack0584]

A polar bar walks into a bar and goes up and orders from the bartender:
Bartender: “what can I get for you?”
Polar bear: “I’ll have a beer……………………

……and a shot of whiskey, please.”
Bartender (looking confused):”sure, but I have to ask. What’s with the big pause?”
Polar bear (holding up his paws):”I don’t know, I was born with them.”

 

[investor2020]