Question for Submissives...

[crazyness1]

Hi, not sure if this is the correct place to ask this. I'm trying to write a new series—this one is in the BDSM category—and I have little actual knowledge of BDSM outside of literature unfortunately, but I do really want to get into the genre. It's going to be told from the 3rd person POV of a bratty sub [huge influencer]—used to having control—who doesn't realize she is a submissive until she meets a Dom through her DMs.

Being that I am neither a sub nor female, I had a few questions to try and get into her mindset before I write my story. Hoping any IRL subs, male/female, out there can help me. I hope I don't offend anyone with these questions. Just trying to learn. Thanks!

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.​

2. What are some things that your Dom does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.​

3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected you?​

New Question: Do your Doms punish you for disobeying/not following their instructions, and if so do you ever purposely try to break rules because you enjoy the punishments?

[3/16] update
Edit for clarification: By "does your BDSM lifestyle leave the bedroom" I also include things like is your dom still dominant towards you in public. I.e maybe they are stern with you, or they tell you not to bite your nails or order your food for you etc.

Also a big thank you to everyone who shared their experiences. It's been very helpful. I think I have enough info to finish at least the first chapter, but I will probably pop on in future to add more questions if I hit a block, every now and then.

 

[bethany_s]

Hi, not sure if this is the correct place to ask this. I'm trying to write a new series—this one is in the BDSM category—and I have little actual knowledge of BDSM outside of literature unfortunately, but I do really want to get into the genre. It's going to be told from the 3rd person POV of a bratty sub [huge influencer]—used to having control—who doesn't realize she is a submissive until she meets a Dom through her DMs.

Being that I am neither a sub nor female, I had a few questions to try and get into her mindset before I write my story. Hoping any IRL subs, male/female, out there can help me. I hope I don't offend anyone with these questions. Just trying to learn. Thanks!

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.​

2. What are some things that your Dom does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.​

3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected you?​

I can try to reply to your questions, but my D/s experience was several years ago and might not fit your series exactly.

1. Our lifestyle was only ever at his house, it didn't really leave his house other than suggestive texting. He was not the type that ordered me what to wear or eat or how to act outside the actual acts. Nor would I have probably been attracted to that type of lifestyle. But I think there are probably RL relationships that pursue that.
2. Thinking of the small things.. Just the way he talked and texted to me, without any intent of asking me to do specific things with him, the way he described things made me WANT to do those things with him. I knew him almost a few years before our 'relationship' started, so to learn his secret side and desires that he had hidden away was very arousing to learn. Which is probably how he viewed me too lol.
3. I would say I maybe grew up knowing that it was more natural or expected that women submit to some small degree to men. That is somewhat a natural role for women to submit to their man, although I don't agree with the statement that women are here for men. Before I met my Dom, I would say liked my previous partners in control some and enjoyed being in a somewhat submissive role with them. Although I can at times take control and enjoy that also. But when I started learning about my Dom's desires and what being Dom meant to him, I couldn't help but WANT to be totally submissive to him. That's what drew me so strongly to him. His personality, gentle but firm. To me it was a gift to be able to be his sub. But that's how I behaved around him specifically. I feel I change my behavior based on who I'm with.

Hope that helps. You are welcome to DM me if more info is helpful.

 

[crazyness1]

@bethany_s - Oh wow, thank you so much for taking the time to write out such a thoughtful reply! I wasn't expecting anyone to respond to all three at once so I'm very glad you did. It was very insightful. I figured from reading a lot of the other posts on the BDSM forum that it seems most people keep their lifestyles separate from their bedroom or only focus on the sex side of things. This might make it a bit tough to find info, and may make the vision I had a bit unrealistic, but I'll see.

2. Thinking of the small things.. Just the way he talked and texted to me, without any intent of asking me to do specific things with him, the way he described things made me WANT to do those things with him. I knew him almost a few years before our 'relationship' started, so to learn his secret side and desires that he had hidden away was very arousing to learn. Which is probably how he viewed me too lol.
3. I would say I maybe grew up knowing that it was more natural or expected that women submit to some small degree to men. That is somewhat a natural role for women to submit to their man, although I don't agree with the statement that women are here for men. Before I met my Dom, I would say liked my previous partners in control some and enjoyed being in a somewhat submissive role with them. Although I can at times take control and enjoy that also. But when I started learning about my Dom's desires and what being Dom meant to him, I couldn't help but WANT to be totally submissive to him. That's what drew me so strongly to him. His personality, gentle but firm. To me it was a gift to be able to be his sub. But that's how I behaved around him specifically. I feel I change my behavior based on who I'm with.

^This is exactly what I was looking for. Perfect!

Hope that helps. You are welcome to DM me if more info is helpful.

I will be sure to do that-- had a few follow up questions about 2 and 3 that may go into a little more detail. Thanks!

 

[crazyness1]

Oh another question I'd like to add for any subs reading this. For me, I can totally understand the satisfaction of being the one in control, but the appeal of surrendering yourself to a dom, is a little harder for me to grasp.

4. What part of being a sub excites you the most?

Side note: There is no need to answer all four questions. If you would prefer to just answer one or some, that would be very much appreciated as well. I'd love to hear from y'all.

 

[DpropertyofR]

1. Yes, our lifestyle has occasionally left the bedroom. My Master has given me rules to follow even when he isn’t around. I’ve worn a crotch rope under my clothes even at work as a reminder that I should behave.

2. In conversations outside of sessions, my Master will sometimes hint that he is plotting some devious torment for me to be deployed at a later time when I least expect it. I think he does this to keep me on my toes, but it certainly gets my imagination running wild. There are certain words he uses that excite me immensely. Generally, language that implies that I will be taken by force falls into that category, because consensual non-consent is a huge part of our play.

3. I’ve pretty much known I was submissive most of my life. I started fantasizing about being dominated at a young age.

4. Surrendering yourself to a Dom requires a lot of trust. You build a strong bond with your Dom. It’s a wonderful feeling. In my life outside of BDSM, I have always been in control. When you have that type of personality, giving up control to someone you trust implicitly is incredibly liberating.

 

[crazyness1]

@DpropertyofR - Thank you so much for your input!

1. Yes, our lifestyle has occasionally left the bedroom. My Master has given me rules to follow even when he isn’t around. I’ve worn a crotch rope under my clothes even at work as a reminder that I should behave.

My takeaway so far from this thread and from other posts I've read is that there are many different dom/sub relationships with gentle doms/more controlling ones as well, but the main theme is trust. That seems to be the most important aspect.

2. In conversations outside of sessions, my Master will sometimes hint that he is plotting some devious torment for me to be deployed at a later time when I least expect it. I think he does this to keep me on my toes, but it certainly gets my imagination running wild. There are certain words he uses that excite me immensely. Generally, language that implies that I will be taken by force falls into that category, because consensual non-consent is a huge part of our play.

^^ I love the anticipation of the torment. I plan to use this a lot in my story. I think this is something I've been under utilizing in my stories. Thanks!

 

[Spanky1372]

Trust is key.

Learn about your sub. They're a human person, they have feelings and needs. Needs that need to be met.

Learn your subs love language: praise, attention, bondage, pain et al. Every sub is different.

Anticipation. Build the tension, once it's built don't let it go until you've acieved satisfaction for your sub.

Details. Pay attention to your sub. You'll develop a sense of when they're upset, distracted or unhappy about a task.

Don't push past your agreed limits....unless that's the scenario!

Being the controlling partner is intensely rewarding, it's exhilarating but on the flip side it can be exhausting.

 

[crazyness1]

@Spanky1372 - Thanks for chipping in! I will definitely keep those in mind. Hearing the dom's perspective is also very helpful.

Also if you wouldn't mind, could you expound more on how it could be exhausting to be the controlling partner? I would be really interested to hear your thoughts on this. That is something I missed and would definitely be a cool addition to help immersion.

 

[Spanky1372]

@Spanky1372 - Thanks for chipping in! I will definitely keep those in mind. Hearing the dom's perspective is also very helpful.

Also if you wouldn't mind, could you expound more on how it could be exhausting to be the controlling partner? I would be really interested to hear your thoughts on this. That is something I missed and would definitely be a cool addition to help immersion.

As the controlling partner you're in charge of your submissives rewards.
It may be different for other dominants but I don't like repetition, I like novelty and keeping my partner satisfied. That's what you are at the end of the day you're a partnership. You fill your submissives needs, she (in my case) gives me joy by giving me the feedback that I enjoy, we both enjoy the aftercare (ensuring there is no drop).

 

[crazyness1]

Ah, that makes a lot sense. So as the Dom - you shoulder the responsibility of caring for your sub and catering to their needs, which is very energy consuming. And as a sub - they place all their trust into the dom to respect their boundaries but they also help fulfill the dom's needs.

Give and take. Thanks! I'll keep that in mind.

 

[thefireman73]

Hi, not sure if this is the correct place to ask this. I'm trying to write a new series—this one is in the BDSM category—and I have little actual knowledge of BDSM outside of literature unfortunately, but I do really want to get into the genre. It's going to be told from the 3rd person POV of a bratty sub [huge influencer]—used to having control—who doesn't realize she is a submissive until she meets a Dom through her DMs.

Being that I am neither a sub nor female, I had a few questions to try and get into her mindset before I write my story. Hoping any IRL subs, male/female, out there can help me. I hope I don't offend anyone with these questions. Just trying to learn. Thanks!

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.​

2. What are some things that your Dom does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.​

3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected you?​

1. It usually doesn’t leave the house. I keep them separate. Sometimes my dom may tell me to wear a cage or a certain pair of underwear or something. But not much more than that.

2. One of the things I love to be told is to strip. Take off your clothes and lay on the bed. Or bend over the chair. Another thing I love is when I’m told to make myself cum.

3. I’ve always been shy and submissive. But when my first wife cheated on me, I really became a sub and we started a cuckold relationship. I’ve been more submissive sexually since then with everyone I’ve been with.

4. What excites me the most is the unknown. What will happen next? What will I be told to do next? Will it hurt or feel good?

 

[lowcollar]

1 It only leaves the bedroom when it is part of the entire role play. Like having a butt plug inside me at the supermarket. Or, maybe she tells me what to wear or sit when I pee like a girl.
2. I love it when she orders me to do very specific sexual things. I love it when she tells me to get on my knees or spread my ass cheeks for her. I especially love being called names like whore, cocksucker or slut.
3. I learned that I was a submissive the first time I was spanked and pegged. I was nearly 40.

 

[Dearelliot]

My submissiveness is strictly sexual, and I want it my way, and if I don't get it my way I won't play. So I pay for it.

 

[Escierto]

My submissiveness is strictly sexual, and I want it my way, and if I don't get it my way I won't play. So I pay for it.

Mine too but luckily I have a trans girlfriend who fucks me. Of course even with a lovely girlfriend, you pay lol!

 

[crazyness1]

@thefireman73 - 2. I like the wearing a certain underwear/none at all idea as well as the being told to masturbate. I usually enjoy those parts in BDSM stories a lot. Also the anticipation. That I think is really important as well.

@lowcollar -

It only leaves the bedroom when it is part of the entire role play. Like having a butt plug inside me at the supermarket. Or, maybe she tells me what to wear or sit when I pee like a girl.

This is awesome, I may use this at some point in the story. The plug or something similar. Don't want to give away too much though

 

[FreckledSprite]

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.​

2. What are some things that your Dom does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.​

3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected you?​

I call myself a Daddiless Little. More and more I’ve realized I’d enjoy a little more structure in my life by way of a Daddy giving me tasks. In the past I haven’t been very open minded about that.

I was happiest when I could tell I was accepted. It turns me on to feel seen and understood.

I didn’t know the term submissive until a few years ago but always naturally slid into the role.

 

[subdudeme13]

Hi, not sure if this is the correct place to ask this. I'm trying to write a new series—this one is in the BDSM category—and I have little actual knowledge of BDSM outside of literature unfortunately, but I do really want to get into the genre. It's going to be told from the 3rd person POV of a bratty sub [huge influencer]—used to having control—who doesn't realize she is a submissive until she meets a Dom through her DMs.

Being that I am neither a sub nor female, I had a few questions to try and get into her mindset before I write my story. Hoping any IRL subs, male/female, out there can help me. I hope I don't offend anyone with these questions. Just trying to learn. Thanks!

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.​

2. What are some things that your Dom does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.​

3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected you?​

1. Going out with a butt plug probably counts as leaving the bedroom. How about talking to her husband?
2. Being told to edge when I am away is her starting point.
3. Yes, I knew I was submissive begore I understood what being a submissive was.

 

[Dearelliot]

Arousing:
Drink her pee, lick up her spit, CBT, or suck a cock, but I dont like guys in my play time. I don't mind a cock and being forced to suck by a woman to humiliate me, as long as Its thru a hole or the guy is quiet, gagged and tied and a submissive.

 

[Mrs_and_mr]

Hi, not sure if this is the correct place to ask this. I'm trying to write a new series—this one is in the BDSM category—and I have little actual knowledge of BDSM outside of literature unfortunately, but I do really want to get into the genre. It's going to be told from the 3rd person POV of a bratty sub [huge influencer]—used to having control—who doesn't realize she is a submissive until she meets a Dom through her DMs.

Being that I am neither a sub nor female, I had a few questions to try and get into her mindset before I write my story. Hoping any IRL subs, male/female, out there can help me. I hope I don't offend anyone with these questions. Just trying to learn. Thanks!

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.​

2. What are some things that your Dom does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.​

3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected you?​

[3/16] update
Edit for clarification: By "does your BDSM lifestyle leave the bedroom" I also include things like is your dom still dominant towards you in public. I.e maybe they are stern with you, or they tell you not to bite your nails or order your food for you etc.

Also a big thank you to everyone who shared their experiences. It's been very helpful. I think I have enough info to finish at least the first chapter, but I will probably pop on in future to add more questions if I hit a block, every now and then.

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.
We are in a FLR so it is at the core of our relationship.

2. What are some things that your Domme does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.
There are so many things from texts throughout the day to having me wash the dishes in a apron only.

3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected you?
I didn’t always know what it was, I was always attracted to the strong bossy girls in school. It wasn’t until my first real relationship that she explained it to me and everything she said she was right.

 

[crazyness1]

@Mrs_and_mr - Thank you for sharing your experiences! Had to search up what FLR was just now. That's really cool!

2. What are some things that your Domme does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.
There are so many things from texts throughout the day to having me wash the dishes in a apron only.

Apron only dish washing has really inspired me.

 

[switchersm]

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.
Yes, it leaves the bedroom. I have to wear cock cages permanent. That means always and everywhere, so nude at home with visitors, also at doctors, nudist beaches, public saunas, ... Everyone can see it.
2. What are some things that your Domme does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.
Strip and bend over!!!
Bend over means over the armrest of our couch. I so have to present my bare ass and wait until my wife appears in formal business clothing to spank me. It's very humiliating, that I, an adult man, strips naked in front of his wife to get a really rough spanking with paddle, riding crop and cane on ass and thighs. The last ten beats always hit my balls. But, although it's so humiliating, this situation is also extremely arousing for me, especially the time after I've bend over and wait, until I hear the clack clack of my wife's stilettos. Generally my wife spanks me on Sundays and also just before we leave to visit a sauna spa. In the mixed changing room everyone can see the marks. After shower the single marks disappear, but the spanked regions are still deep red. So beneath my cock cage people there can see, that I've received a spanking.
3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected
Not really in my first marriage and also not the first 10 years in my second marriage. But my second wife manipulated me in such a kind and friendly way (She so knew that I'm a submissive man, before i realized it.), that I was not aware of her control. I mostly thought, she has the better arguments and accepted this willingly. The change happened, when at my age of 47 asked her to keep me chaste with a cock cage (too long to tell here). We had a half year test and from then on my wife made strict rules for our sexlife.

 

[Inthelastrow]

I was a sub to a woman I adored and who was dominant, more so because of who she was on a day to day basis. This colored my reaction to her demands as she had a natural authority to her

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.
It extended outside the bedroom more than inside (where we equal, or in fact I was dominant). She decided major daily tasks, decisions, muscle movements of our life and I conformed to those. This included down to individual tasks and decisions, like what I was to wear, what I would do at home. I had choices of course, but she had to agree (for example, what outfit to wear). It did not extend into public per se, as I was never openly submissive in public. Still I deferred to her choices, demands, etc. and treated her respectfully, as a sub should. For example, I always opened the door for her, carried her packages when shopping, get her drinks or coffee, deferred to her choices, where we sat, what movies we'd see. She would ask my opinions now and again, and occasionally would allow me to choose, but in the end it was her choice.

2. What are some things that your Dom does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.
Oh my, a lot. Things I did to or for her on a daily basis that made her happy, made her smile. Sometimes what clothes I was to wear, as she had great taste, improved my wardrobe, and helped me look good. Talking dirty demeaning to me, calling me belittling names (like "bitch"). Showing her attention when she asked for it; like massages, washing/combing her hair, painting her nails, laying out her clothes. She was also a very successful business woman. She relied on me to take care of the house and domestic side of life (she told me I was a great wife). Our D/s relationship helped her concentrate at work, be more successful and elevate her career. That was very arousing, along with the idea of role reversal.

3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected you?
No, I am not normally submissive and like I said above, in the bedroom, she wanted me to take charge, sometimes to the point that I was D to her s including bondage and role play. What I enjoyed first that led to a D/s relationship, was helping her out. Doing simple things for her, favors and the like. I like satisfying a woman and this lead me to become her sub. In the end it also relieved me having to make a lot of decisions/responsibilities which I had to do in my own career. It was far more stress free.

As an aside I also liked playing with her, toying with her a bit. Some might say this is not a true submissive, but ok. A sub actually has a lot of choices in the relationship. Not to just obey and respond but how to respond, the timeliness of the response, the manner of response as well. Often I would tease her or do things that fulfilled her intent but not actually fulfill her true demand. Occasionally I would disobey knowing I would be punished but enjoyed the moment. (For example, one day I decided to lay out the wrong business outfit for her on a day she was running late. It was a far more provocative for a business meeting than normal. Since she was running late, she didn't have time to change. She looked hot, and she knew it of course. I got punished but had fun). This added energy to our D/s relationship. She also knew I could/would step away at anytime of my choosing, which is what ultimately happened.

 

[crazyness1]

@switchersm - Thanks so much for sharing and being so detailed in your response! I just wanted to add on another question for you if you don't mind. No pressure, you've already been super helpful. There was an aspect to BDSM I've read a lot about but still don't quite understand. You mentioned that your dom spanks you etc. Obviously you enjoy this, but is it ever done as a punishment? And do you ever try to get 'punished' or is it something you actively avoid.

In my story that I'm writing, I'm trying to get into the head of the FMC who likes to push boundaries and test her dom so to speak. My thinking as of right now is that she doesn't always enjoy being punished, but sometimes she may seek it out.

 

[Spanky1372]

In my story that I'm writing, I'm trying to get into the head of the FMC who likes to push boundaries and test her dom so to speak. My thinking as of right now is that she doesn't always enjoy being punished, but sometimes she may seek it out.
[/QUOTE]

If I may?
Your FMC could be leaning towards the attention/praise kink. She doesn't enjoy the punishment but her driver is to get her Doms attention then praise then the aftercare.

 

[crazyness1]

@Inthelastrow - Wow. This is really what I've been looking for. Thank you so much!! Every single one of your responses has been super super helpful. ***This really provides a lot of insight onto a BDSM relationship outside the bedroom. I really appreciate the time you spent in replying. The examples you gave have all been super detailed.

I don't even really have any questions to add for you because you answered them so perfectly.

I guess, I'd like to ask you the same thing I asked switchersm from above. If you wouldn't mind, no pressure obviously as everything you provided so far has been gold.

Does your dom punish you for transgressions? And if so, do you ever try to get 'punished' or is it something you actively avoid?