Question for Submissives...

[crazyness1]

If I may?
Your FMC could be leaning towards the attention/praise kink. She doesn't enjoy the punishment but her driver is to get her Doms attention then praise then the aftercare.

Ah, yes I think that makes a lot of sense. I haven't gotten to the kinky stuff yet, chapter 1 is mainly just her date/self discovery with her mysterious dom. But in future she basically likes to rebel a bit. If her dom tells her to do something it kind of triggers her to defy a bit. She might follow his orders on a surface level but then push back in other ways just to test to see what he does? I guess maybe she does enjoy the punishment as well to some extent.

The attention/praise is very important to her as well, maybe that'll tie in with her social media influencer background. Thanks!

 

[switchersm]

@switchersm - Thanks so much for sharing and being so detailed in your response! I just wanted to add on another question for you if you don't mind. No pressure, you've already been super helpful. There was an aspect to BDSM I've read a lot about but still don't quite understand. You mentioned that your dom spanks you etc. Obviously you enjoy this, but is it ever done as a punishment? And do you ever try to get 'punished' or is it something you actively avoid.

In my story that I'm writing, I'm trying to get into the head of the FMC who likes to push boundaries and test her dom so to speak. My thinking as of right now is that she doesn't always enjoy being punished, but sometimes she may seek it out.

It may sound a bit curious, but my wife spanks me for my health.
We go jogging twice a week and if I'm slower as my wife, every second counts one beat on each buttock added to a basis of 30. If I'm faster, what happens very very seldom, the beats are reduced. And if I'm to slow, she decides, to beat my balls too without mercy. Believe me, you don't want this experience too often.So this is a real encourement for my health

 

[Kinky_Randy]

I used to have a Domme IRL. Only the fact that she dominated me, used me for her pleasure aroused me. I would never get hard during a session and I never came. She wanted me to be hard but wouldn't touch me. The solution was Caverject, hard for 2 hrs.

 

[crazyness1]

And if I'm to slow, she decides, to beat my balls too without mercy

Ouch. I completely forgot about the ball busting part. Sounds painful yet oddly wholesome. The health part that is

 

[Erosfan]

Hi, not sure if this is the correct place to ask this. I'm trying to write a new series—this one is in the BDSM category—and I have little actual knowledge of BDSM outside of literature unfortunately, but I do really want to get into the genre. It's going to be told from the 3rd person POV of a bratty sub [huge influencer]—used to having control—who doesn't realize she is a submissive until she meets a Dom through her DMs.

Being that I am neither a sub nor female, I had a few questions to try and get into her mindset before I write my story. Hoping any IRL subs, male/female, out there can help me. I hope I don't offend anyone with these questions. Just trying to learn. Thanks!

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.​

2. What are some things that your Dom does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.​

3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected you?​

New Question: Do your Doms punish you for disobeying/not following their instructions, and if so do you ever purposely try to break rules because you enjoy the punishments?

[3/16] update
Edit for clarification: By "does your BDSM lifestyle leave the bedroom" I also include things like is your dom still dominant towards you in public. I.e maybe they are stern with you, or they tell you not to bite your nails or order your food for you etc.

Also a big thank you to everyone who shared their experiences. It's been very helpful. I think I have enough info to finish at least the first chapter, but I will probably pop on in future to add more questions if I hit a block, every now and then.

1. My submissive does leave the bedroom at times. I love naked golf cart rides at night, weather permitting. I also enjoy hand-jobs when I'm driving.
2. I get immensely aroused when she tells me to "lose the clothes" when we are on our patio. We both know our neighbors might be able to see us.
3. I didn't know I was submissive for a long time. When I gave in to my CFNM desires, things began to change. Having open, honest conversations, we came to some interesting conclusions which resulted in many amazing experiences.

I have not been punished because I find it rewarding to go along with her wishes/demands.

 

[Dearelliot]

Mine too but luckily I have a trans girlfriend who fucks me. Of course even with a lovely girlfriend, you pay lol!

Lucky.

 

[Inthelastrow]

@switchersm - Thanks so much for sharing and being so detailed in your response! I just wanted to add on another question for you if you don't mind. No pressure, you've already been super helpful. There was an aspect to BDSM I've read a lot about but still don't quite understand. You mentioned that your dom spanks you etc. Obviously you enjoy this, but is it ever done as a punishment? And do you ever try to get 'punished' or is it something you actively avoid.

In my story that I'm writing, I'm trying to get into the head of the FMC who likes to push boundaries and test her dom so to speak. My thinking as of right now is that she doesn't always enjoy being punished, but sometimes she may seek it out.

No my Dom only once spanked me directly as punishment. It was over the bed. Otherwise it was more playful. She would sometimes spank me as I walked around the house, one swat on the butt, and tell me my ass was hers. I was NEVER allowed to do that with her. I know spanking is one form of punishment (pleasure?) for subs. But it wasn't for us cause I think she knew I liked it.

I got punished in many different ways. Denial/chastity was the obvious one (though she suffered too...lol). Chores or specific tasks (do you know how hard it is to get up at 0500 and fetch her Starbucks during winter)? I once had to write out statements like a kid on a chalk board. She made me dress in certain clothing. Sometimes I wore something uncomfortable like a wool sweater with no undershirt. I also wore a necklace she gave me which was my daily "collar" that I had to wear at all times as a symbol of my devotion. She would take it away from me and I would have to earn it back.

If I was in a playful or teasing mood, I would do something to test her patience. The dress story from above as an example. Another was bathing. I had to routinely attend to her when she took a bath including washing her back when she was ready. I was forbidden to wash her front or other parts of her body without her permission but sometimes teasingly my hand would slip around to her front. The punishment was worth it.

 

[crazyness1]

I got punished in many different ways. Denial/chastity was the obvious one (though she suffered too...lol). Chores or specific tasks (do you know how hard it is to get up at 0500 and fetch her Starbucks during winter)? I once had to write out statements like a kid on a chalk board. She made me dress in certain clothing. Sometimes I wore something uncomfortable like a wool sweater with no undershirt. I also wore a necklace she gave me which was my daily "collar" that I had to wear at all times as a symbol of my devotion. She would take it away from me and I would have to earn it back.

If I was in a playful or teasing mood, I would do something to test her patience. The dress story from above as an example. Another was bathing. I had to routinely attend to her when she took a bath including washing her back when she was ready. I was forbidden to wash her front or other parts of her body without her permission but sometimes teasingly my hand would slip around to her front. The punishment was worth it.

I love how creative these punishments were! Definitely opened my mind to some interesting possibilities

 

[FrenchLopBunny]

Does your dom punish you for transgressions? And if so, do you ever try to get 'punished' or is it something you actively avoid?

What you're describing is a brat (which I am not), a submissive who loves to playfully push buttons and ‘break’ rules. They behave this way to deliberately provoke attention from their Dom. The Dom then takes on the role of the 'Brat tamer'. The brat tamer's job is to bring the sub into submission. This means dolling out consensual punishments for bad behavior. This might include restraints, spankings, impact play, and other agreed-upon punishments.

 

[FrenchLopBunny]

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.
Yes, we are 24/7 D/s. We are also husband (D) and wife (s). During the day when I am at work, I wear a pretty 'day collar' that looks like a piece of jewelry that any woman might wear. I have a variety of collars for other situations. He does not control my professional dress, but when we are going out he will make his opinion known, and I am expected to follow it. Basically, once I am home from work, I am able to turn my mind off. He makes all the decisions. If we're going out to eat, I don't ask where. I know that he will get me there and back safely and that the restaurant will be to my liking. Sometimes he does order for me, but not always.

2. What are some things that your Domme does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.
Behaving as what used to be called a 'gentleman' arouses me the most. Opening doors for me, walking on the street side of me, holding my hand or around my waist, behaving possessively and protectively. If he senses a potential threat, he'll place himself between me and the threat. He always faces the door when we're in a public place. Some of this behavior is second nature to him because he owns a security company (think black SUVs and bodyguards).

3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected you?
I did not know what D/s was, specifically Daddy Dom/Little Girl (DD/lg) for me, prior to coming here to the forums. The more I read, the more I was attracted to what I saw. One of the subs here took me under her wing and helped me learn. Looking back, I do think I leaned submissive based on the men I chose.

4. Does your dom punish you for transgressions?
Yes, but because of a past experience in my life, he does not use pain as a motivator. Since we are married, my punishment consists of losing my privilege of sleeping in his bed or having sweets taken away.

I don't know if this has been addressed in this thread, or if your research already led you to this, but D/s is about consent. Setting, and honoring boundaries. Some D/s couples, have a 'contract' of sorts. A written agreement. This forces both parties to consider how their dynamic will be conducted. You might try searching 'BDSM contract'. In the beginning, we reviewed our contract weekly. Now we do it monthly. Eventually, I suspect we'll only do it on an as-needed basis.

 

[crazyness1]

Does your dom punish you for transgressions? And if so, do you ever try to get 'punished' or is it something you actively avoid?

What you're describing is a brat (which I am not), a submissive who loves to playfully push buttons and ‘break’ rules. They behave this way to deliberately provoke attention from their Dom. The Dom then takes on the role of the 'Brat tamer'. The brat tamer's job is to bring the sub into submission. This means dolling out consensual punishments for bad behavior. This might include restraints, spankings, impact play, and other agreed-upon punishments.

Yes, I am very aware of the importance of consent in BDSM, otherwise I would be writing in a different genre. That's actually one of the reasons why I am drawn to this category in particular. I personally find it is much more interesting to write, because it forces the writer to actually try and get into the mind of the sub as well as the Dom.

 

[crazyness1]

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.
Yes, we are 24/7 D/s. We are also husband (D) and wife (s). During the day when I am at work, I wear a pretty 'day collar' that looks like a piece of jewelry that any woman might wear. I have a variety of collars for other situations. He does not control my professional dress, but when we are going out he will make his opinion known, and I am expected to follow it. Basically, once I am home from work, I am able to turn my mind off. He makes all the decisions. If we're going out to eat, I don't ask where. I know that he will get me there and back safely and that the restaurant will be to my liking. Sometimes he does order for me, but not always.

2. What are some things that your Domme does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.
Behaving as what used to be called a 'gentleman' arouses me the most. Opening doors for me, walking on the street side of me, holding my hand or around my waist, behaving possessively and protectively. If he senses a potential threat, he'll place himself between me and the threat. He always faces the door when we're in a public place. Some of this behavior is second nature to him because he owns a security company (think black SUVs and bodyguards).

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences! The 'gentleman' Dom is what I hope to eventually portray the MMC as after the initial intrigue, so details like these (i.e walking on the street side, facing the door, etc) will be critical to the story in future.

I was not aware of the BDSM contract so I really appreciate that you brought this to my attention. That is an intriguing concept that I intend to explore more in depth. I suppose I did know about it from 50 Shades, but I was not aware that people did this IRL. I always assumed it was more of a verbal contract, but having it in writing certainly gives it a more credibility? Not sure if that's the correct word to use but I think that is something I would definitely like to include in my story.

 

[Spanky1372]

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences! The 'gentleman' Dom is what I hope to eventually portray the MMC as after the initial intrigue, so details like these (i.e walking on the street side, facing the door, etc) will be critical to the story in future.

I was not aware of the BDSM contract so I really appreciate that you brought this to my attention. That is an intriguing concept that I intend to explore more in depth. I suppose I did know about it from 50 Shades, but I was not aware that people did this IRL. I always assumed it was more of a verbal contract, but having it in writing certainly gives it a more credibility? Not sure if that's the correct word to use but I think that is something I would definitely like to include in my story.

Just a thought and I don't want to write your story but you could utilise respect if you're not going to use a written contract.
It's one of the foundations of the Dom/sub relationship.

 

[x8dom8x]

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.

I'm sent to work or the store or wherever my Domme wants me to go with my cage on. But aside from that, we don't have anything escape home.

2. What are some things that your Dom does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.

When she truly takes control, when I see it in her eyes, feel it in her voice, that is more powerful than anything. When I feel what it's turning her on, how she treats me, it drives me insane.

From a sexual standpoint, we explore a lot. Depends on our mood and how far she wants to push me. She's so intoxicatingly sexy and beautiful.

From a non sexual standpoint, when she gets frustrated and I can't help but think, "I want her to take that frustration and use it on me." Not that I frustrate her on purpose. I don't think I have that much. But yeah. It's so hot.

I could talk about what she does that's so hot for days....

3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected you?

No. I'm very much not submissive in my every day life, from work to relationships with friends, and family, to anything I really do. She has been the only person to take me. She has been the only person that gets to see this certain side of me.

 

[crazyness1]

Just a thought and I don't want to write your story but you could utilise respect if you're not going to use a written contract.
It's one of the foundations of the Dom/sub relationship.

^^ Oh, I meant I was actually going to use the written contract. haha my bad!

What is respect? Is that like a specific term for BDSM?

 

[Spanky1372]

^^ Oh, I meant I was actually going to use the written contract. haha my bad!

What is respect? Is that like a specific term for BDSM?

Lol, no. Respect for each other don't be abusive, be aware of the part both of you play.

 

[crazyness1]

Lol, no. Respect for each other don't be abusive, be aware of the part both of you play.

Ohh LOL. Yup, I'll definitely use that.


Side note: For anyone who's interested in reading, Part 1 will be posted either tonight or tomorrow morning depending on your timezone. It doesn't really get into any of the spicy bits yet and it's more to establish the dynamic between the two main leads. Bit nervous to be writing outside of Romance ngl. I'm hoping to incorporate a lot of what I read here in future submissions.

 

[Inthelastrow]

I love how creative these punishments were! Definitely opened my mind to some interesting possibilities

She was a smart, intelligence, sexy and clever woman. She knew what I liked and what would intrigue me, but also what would get under may skin. Example, Starbucks: I hate coffee yet there I was getting coffee at 6 am and it was freezing cold. Spanking? Withholding? Put me into chastity? Those paled to getting up and getting her a Coffee Gande. The punishments I got for teasing were far less "punishing" than when she was really upset. The thing is I really enjoyed serving her. For a while I made her life more enjoyable, taking the care out of "home life" so she could concentrate on her business and career. She knew it too. In the end, our D//s was less master/slave than Wonderful woman//helper-life improver-wife-cheerleader-supporter-playpartner.

 

[AprilTwenties]

Hi, not sure if this is the correct place to ask this. I'm trying to write a new series—this one is in the BDSM category—and I have little actual knowledge of BDSM outside of literature unfortunately, but I do really want to get into the genre. It's going to be told from the 3rd person POV of a bratty sub [huge influencer]—used to having control—who doesn't realize she is a submissive until she meets a Dom through her DMs.

Being that I am neither a sub nor female, I had a few questions to try and get into her mindset before I write my story. Hoping any IRL subs, male/female, out there can help me. I hope I don't offend anyone with these questions. Just trying to learn. Thanks!

1. Does your BDSM lifestyle ever leave the bedroom into your day-to-day, or do you keep them separate? i.e., being told what to wear, what to eat, etc.​

2. What are some things that your Dom does or tells you to do that arouses you? This can be sexual/nonsexual. Even just the small things.​

3. Did you always know you were a submissive, or was there a lifestyle change that affected you?​

New Question: Do your Doms punish you for disobeying/not following their instructions, and if so do you ever purposely try to break rules because you enjoy the punishments?

[3/16] update
Edit for clarification: By "does your BDSM lifestyle leave the bedroom" I also include things like is your dom still dominant towards you in public. I.e maybe they are stern with you, or they tell you not to bite your nails or order your food for you etc.

Also a big thank you to everyone who shared their experiences. It's been very helpful. I think I have enough info to finish at least the first chapter, but I will probably pop on in future to add more questions if I hit a block, every now and then.

Hi boo,

1 Absolutely! You could say that I've been turned out and hook for who I call my owner...'cos that's exactly what I do! So, yeah...told what to wear and to watch my diet amongst other things.

2 Some things that she does/tells me what to do? Hmmm...she does say that if I don't earn well for her that she'll '..batter me' (ie, beat me up), which oddly makes me work harder. Imagination is a big thing so actually, as I'm working, visualising giving her my earnings is a big thing. Likewise the other girls that I work with - I'm a streetwalker - knowing that she's my owner.

3 No, no idea. I'm from a very religious background and, long story very short, had sex with a boy at church who then dumped me. Very impure vision of myself. I sought out this individual that had this amazing, confident lifestyle and I asked her to train me.

4 In terms of rules, and breaking them, yes there are punishments. Violence, mainly....and no I try not to break them deliberately as i've had ribs broken, split lips, black eyes in the past....not what I call fun!

Hope that helps, boo.

A xx

 

[crazyness1]

2 Some things that she does/tells me what to do? Hmmm...she does say that if I don't earn well for her that she'll '..batter me' (ie, beat me up), which oddly makes me work harder. Imagination is a big thing so actually, as I'm working, visualising giving her my earnings is a big thing. Likewise the other girls that I work with - I'm a streetwalker - knowing that she's my owner.

4 In terms of rules, and breaking them, yes there are punishments. Violence, mainly....and no I try not to break them deliberately as i've had ribs broken, split lips, black eyes in the past....not what I call fun!

Wait... this is consensual right? It sounds like you're describing a pimp or am I reading this wrong. Sorry, if I'm misinterpreting your post.

 

[AprilTwenties]

Wait... this is consensual right? It sounds like you're describing a pimp or am I reading this wrong. Sorry, if I'm misinterpreting your post.

Hi boo...it is...and you are reading it right. Yes, all consensual.

A x

 

[YourSecret18]

Oh another question I'd like to add for any subs reading this. For me, I can totally understand the satisfaction of being the one in control, but the appeal of surrendering yourself to a dom, is a little harder for me to grasp.

4. What part of being a sub excites you the most?

Side note: There is no need to answer all four questions. If you would prefer to just answer one or some, that would be very much appreciated as well. I'd love to hear from y'all.

I will admit that I have newly discovered the sub side of myself (female, 28), but I’ll tell you what made me embrace it… the concept of being free.

I have a high profile job where I am in charge of people, a budget in the millions, and making decisions that require fast action. Basically my entire “normal” life is me making choices and being in charge. Having someone take the reins from me, even for a few hours, is such a release. Giving up that control feels safe if you have a trusting relationship with your dom. A lot of communication is required for it to be successful. But it feels good when it works.

Our relationship is mostly online, but I fell easily into the role with him. Even small choices like whether or not I should make time to eat breakfast were taken off my plate when I was told to go eat breakfast and send pictures. I don’t expect him to make all of my decisions for me, always. But when our time overlaps and there is an opportunity, I always appreciate him when he does.

 

[FrenchLopBunny]

I will admit that I have newly discovered the sub side of myself (female, 28), but I’ll tell you what made me embrace it… the concept of being free.

I have a high profile job where I am in charge of people, a budget in the millions, and making decisions that require fast action. Basically my entire “normal” life is me making choices and being in charge. Having someone take the reins from me, even for a few hours, is such a release. Giving up that control feels safe if you have a trusting relationship with your dom. A lot of communication is required for it to be successful. But it feels good when it works.

Hello kindred soul! I was attracted to submission for the same reason, and like you I'm in charge of major accounts at work. I consider myself fortunate to have my husband as my Dom. We have set responsibilities around the house, and I have clarity of what to expect, and what is expected of me. Submission has also been a major factor in my recovery from domestic violence in my past relationship. It is so liberating to tune out the background noise of life and just exist!

 

[crazyness1]

I have a high profile job where I am in charge of people, a budget in the millions, and making decisions that require fast action. Basically my entire “normal” life is me making choices and being in charge. Having someone take the reins from me, even for a few hours, is such a release. Giving up that control feels safe if you have a trusting relationship with your dom. A lot of communication is required for it to be successful. But it feels good when it works.

This sounds a lot like the FMC in one of my newer stories, though that series is a bit over the top and less aimed at the realism side.

I will admit that I have newly discovered the sub side of myself (female, 28), but I’ll tell you what made me embrace it… the concept of being free.

This is an interesting dynamic, the idea that having your choices and responsibilities taken away from you is freeing. Not having to deal with the stress for even short while, must be huge a relief. Thanks so much for sharing your experience!

 

[Escierto]

My trans girlfriend is only dominant in the bedroom. In our sex life, she is the man and she decides everything about how she is serviced sexually by me, as the woman. I love to submit to her beautiful big cock and let her use my holes as she desires.

Outside of the bedroom, we have a normal relationship in which neither of us is dominant or submissive. Since I am older and more experienced in life, she does rely on me for advice and guidance.