lngtalltxn77
Virgin
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- Nov 8, 2013
- Posts
- 6
oh, dang...
Question for the ladies re: my wife
- Thread starter lngtalltxn77
- Start date
oh, dang...
Everyone approaches sex differently, and there are a lot of reasons why, for example, one partner seems to think sex is more important than the other, and often it is because they approach it differently. For example, the OP wants I am guess to have it where his wife is more the initiator, and where the sex becomes more hot and raunchy. It could be his wife equally values sex, but for her, the sex is more about the intimacy, the shared emotions and energy, and for example, that she finds it works if he initiates it, finds it romantic, etc (these are speculations, hypotheticals, not saying that is what is going on).
The key thing I believe is the old axiom about communications. For example, fingering her anal area gets her to say 'that's disgusting', talk about it afterwords, ask her was it it wasn't pleasurable, or is it because the anus to her is associated with the ick of going to the bathroom? It is hard to talk about, and being from conservative backgrounds with all the hangups that religion especially has put on sex, doesn't help.
What I can tell you is people change, my wife is not the same person she was in her 30's as a mother of a young child, or 20's when she knew so little, and if you feel your wife is reluctant, it may not always be like that. I think my answer is we accept our partners for who they are, but also have to remember we all change and grow and so forth, and can hope that we can influence how our partner grows (you can't 'change' someone, however, but you can help influence the way they change themselves).
One big suggestion is that in talking about sex, I would reiterate to her that getting wilder in bed, doing more things, is not about just getting off on the fantasy, but rather it is the two of you expressing love by having this incredible thing. I remember talking to my wife about BD/SM, trying to explain that in experiencing it as a sub, it isn't about 'loving pain', but rather that the play is about what the sensation play does, that pain is stubbing your toe on a piece of furniture at 3am going to the bathroom, that sensation play is a lot more. In your situation, it may be explaining that to you, expanding the sex, doing different things, is a way to express the love you guys have, to make it more deep, whatever, rather than it being what it can seem like, 'getting off' on more 'wild sex' (not that there is anything wrong with that).
If you came from conservative backgrounds, one of the things that religion, especially conservative christianity, has drilled into people is the difference between lust and love; JPII once made a big statement that it was a sin to look at your wife with lust in your eyes, implying somehow that that was wrong , when that lust is part of the spark that holds people together....the point being, that especially women are brought up that while sex was important in marriage, it was seen as some sort of sacred act proscribed to happen within bounds, and the idea that having sex for the sheer enjoyment, lust, whatever you call it, broke that.....I'll add that what someone else wrote is true, too, your wife is a mother, and it can be easy from what my wife and other women have told me, to sit back and say "how can I let my husband do <x> with me, or how can I be fucking him with a dildo, when I am a loving mother to children"....it is hard to figure out what my therapist talked about, that we all have roles, and that we can be a loving mother and grandmother (as she was/is), and also be a fierce domme who could inflict pretty severe pain on a sub.....
My recommendation is to keep talking to her and reinforce that nothing will change your love for her, or respect for her as a wife and mother, that what you are talking about is sharing something wonderful, which should be the right of a husband and wife after all (no, I don't believe sex is just for marriage, or between a man and a woman or whatever). It is very easy to fall into the belief, after so much condiitioning, that if you do things "nice girls wouldn't do', that your husband will see you as a whore or slut, rather than it being loving her even more because of the pleasure you can share.......don't give up hope, if other things are solid, if the trust is there, then over time it is very possible you both will find what you need.....and people can and have overcome things that prob are not true in your case, where a partner has been abused and such.....
My other suggestion may be to find a counselor who deals with couples sexuality, make sure they are trained in sexual counseling, have some sort of certification, and personally would recommend trying to find a woman, maybe one who is married and roughly in the same age you guys are in (it might seem sexist, but from experience talking to women, they seem to feel more comfortable talking to someone who is more like themselves, who has kids, etc....).....they trained in helping people express what their issues are, and also spend a lot of time overcoming the bullshit that is out there about sex, whether religion or just plain stupidity
The key thing I believe is the old axiom about communications. For example, fingering her anal area gets her to say 'that's disgusting', talk about it afterwords, ask her was it it wasn't pleasurable, or is it because the anus to her is associated with the ick of going to the bathroom? It is hard to talk about, and being from conservative backgrounds with all the hangups that religion especially has put on sex, doesn't help.
What I can tell you is people change, my wife is not the same person she was in her 30's as a mother of a young child, or 20's when she knew so little, and if you feel your wife is reluctant, it may not always be like that. I think my answer is we accept our partners for who they are, but also have to remember we all change and grow and so forth, and can hope that we can influence how our partner grows (you can't 'change' someone, however, but you can help influence the way they change themselves).
One big suggestion is that in talking about sex, I would reiterate to her that getting wilder in bed, doing more things, is not about just getting off on the fantasy, but rather it is the two of you expressing love by having this incredible thing. I remember talking to my wife about BD/SM, trying to explain that in experiencing it as a sub, it isn't about 'loving pain', but rather that the play is about what the sensation play does, that pain is stubbing your toe on a piece of furniture at 3am going to the bathroom, that sensation play is a lot more. In your situation, it may be explaining that to you, expanding the sex, doing different things, is a way to express the love you guys have, to make it more deep, whatever, rather than it being what it can seem like, 'getting off' on more 'wild sex' (not that there is anything wrong with that).
If you came from conservative backgrounds, one of the things that religion, especially conservative christianity, has drilled into people is the difference between lust and love; JPII once made a big statement that it was a sin to look at your wife with lust in your eyes, implying somehow that that was wrong , when that lust is part of the spark that holds people together....the point being, that especially women are brought up that while sex was important in marriage, it was seen as some sort of sacred act proscribed to happen within bounds, and the idea that having sex for the sheer enjoyment, lust, whatever you call it, broke that.....I'll add that what someone else wrote is true, too, your wife is a mother, and it can be easy from what my wife and other women have told me, to sit back and say "how can I let my husband do <x> with me, or how can I be fucking him with a dildo, when I am a loving mother to children"....it is hard to figure out what my therapist talked about, that we all have roles, and that we can be a loving mother and grandmother (as she was/is), and also be a fierce domme who could inflict pretty severe pain on a sub.....
My recommendation is to keep talking to her and reinforce that nothing will change your love for her, or respect for her as a wife and mother, that what you are talking about is sharing something wonderful, which should be the right of a husband and wife after all (no, I don't believe sex is just for marriage, or between a man and a woman or whatever). It is very easy to fall into the belief, after so much condiitioning, that if you do things "nice girls wouldn't do', that your husband will see you as a whore or slut, rather than it being loving her even more because of the pleasure you can share.......don't give up hope, if other things are solid, if the trust is there, then over time it is very possible you both will find what you need.....and people can and have overcome things that prob are not true in your case, where a partner has been abused and such.....
My other suggestion may be to find a counselor who deals with couples sexuality, make sure they are trained in sexual counseling, have some sort of certification, and personally would recommend trying to find a woman, maybe one who is married and roughly in the same age you guys are in (it might seem sexist, but from experience talking to women, they seem to feel more comfortable talking to someone who is more like themselves, who has kids, etc....).....they trained in helping people express what their issues are, and also spend a lot of time overcoming the bullshit that is out there about sex, whether religion or just plain stupidity
MILFSauce
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2013
- Posts
- 577
Lots of good thoughts in this thread. I don't really have much to add, but I'll give my emphasis to the point about how her attitudes may change and grow as she gets older.
I'm 48 now and been divorced for several years, but I distinctly remember being astonished, in the early years of my marriage, to learn that my husband, like you, was dissatisfied over my lack of sexual initiative. In my case, it wasn't that I thought it was somehow "improper" for me to initiate sex, it was more that the notion simply didn't occur to me. And if I had thought about it, I probably would have thought ... "well, that's the man's place. My place is to respond to him." I don't recall that such an idea was ever overtly taught to me, but nonetheless I obviously picked it up somewhere, and held on to it tightly without even thinking about it. To my embarrassment now, I might add.
But over time, and with lots of understanding on his part, I grew to overcome that limited thinking, and I became much more sexually aggressive, not simply to please him, but because I realized that my old attitude was holding me back. The point being that it took some time, but my attitude did eventually change. From the sound of it, my background was quite different from yours, but I don't think that really matters. What matters is continuing to respect each other's position, even if you disagree with it, and keeping open the free lines of communication. Without those things, a marriage will eventually deteriorate, anyway.
I also think that there is a deeper issue here, and that's the issue of how you as a couple deal with conflict. Conflicts are gonna happen in a marriage, whether they're about sex or finances or child-rearing or whatever. There's no getting around it. The key is how you deal with them. Are you able to resolve them in an adult way without disrespecting each other, or making it out so that one of you only wins if the other one loses? To me, this is terribly important, to the extent that I believe the success of a marriage absolutely depends on it.
So your challenge as a couple is to deal with this situation in a way that results in win-win, even if the "win" isn't necessarily all that you wanted. And it's also not necessarily the final word on the subject. Her attitudes may change and relax somewhat as she gets older. Of course, they may not, too.
Your challenge as a husband is to accept and love her the way she is, even if there are things about her that you wish were different. You can hope she changes, but you can't count on it.
Not to be melodramatic, but what's your alternative? It's either an eventual divorce or a lifetime of frustration.
I'm 48 now and been divorced for several years, but I distinctly remember being astonished, in the early years of my marriage, to learn that my husband, like you, was dissatisfied over my lack of sexual initiative. In my case, it wasn't that I thought it was somehow "improper" for me to initiate sex, it was more that the notion simply didn't occur to me. And if I had thought about it, I probably would have thought ... "well, that's the man's place. My place is to respond to him." I don't recall that such an idea was ever overtly taught to me, but nonetheless I obviously picked it up somewhere, and held on to it tightly without even thinking about it. To my embarrassment now, I might add.
But over time, and with lots of understanding on his part, I grew to overcome that limited thinking, and I became much more sexually aggressive, not simply to please him, but because I realized that my old attitude was holding me back. The point being that it took some time, but my attitude did eventually change. From the sound of it, my background was quite different from yours, but I don't think that really matters. What matters is continuing to respect each other's position, even if you disagree with it, and keeping open the free lines of communication. Without those things, a marriage will eventually deteriorate, anyway.
I also think that there is a deeper issue here, and that's the issue of how you as a couple deal with conflict. Conflicts are gonna happen in a marriage, whether they're about sex or finances or child-rearing or whatever. There's no getting around it. The key is how you deal with them. Are you able to resolve them in an adult way without disrespecting each other, or making it out so that one of you only wins if the other one loses? To me, this is terribly important, to the extent that I believe the success of a marriage absolutely depends on it.
So your challenge as a couple is to deal with this situation in a way that results in win-win, even if the "win" isn't necessarily all that you wanted. And it's also not necessarily the final word on the subject. Her attitudes may change and relax somewhat as she gets older. Of course, they may not, too.
Your challenge as a husband is to accept and love her the way she is, even if there are things about her that you wish were different. You can hope she changes, but you can't count on it.
Not to be melodramatic, but what's your alternative? It's either an eventual divorce or a lifetime of frustration.
lngtalltxn77
Virgin
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2013
- Posts
- 6
I'm amazed at the thoughtful and great responses in this thread. Thank you all so much.
My wife doesn't have a confidence problem or body image problem (at least she shouldn't IMO). She knows that my need/desire for sex is greater than hers and is almost always willing to oblige me if I request it. She just goes through the motions though and it's all about me. This might be fine for some men but I desire an engaged partner who wants to make love and have passion in the bedroom. I tell her how much I love to give her pleasure/orgasm but she more often than not says "that's ok, I can just do you (blow job or hand job that is all about getting to the finish) or we can have sex." I probably shouldn't complain but sometimes I would rather masturbate than bother her or have sex with someone who doesn't seem to enjoy it.
I enjoy foreplay and the buildup but it's gotten to where I can tell she would just rather me ask her and get right to it...which is great sometimes but it seems impersonal. This has really done a number on my confidence and makes me wonder. Does she love me? Is she attracted to me? Is she cheating on me? I can't imagine her cheating but I'm sure many a man have said the same thing.
My wife doesn't have a confidence problem or body image problem (at least she shouldn't IMO). She knows that my need/desire for sex is greater than hers and is almost always willing to oblige me if I request it. She just goes through the motions though and it's all about me. This might be fine for some men but I desire an engaged partner who wants to make love and have passion in the bedroom. I tell her how much I love to give her pleasure/orgasm but she more often than not says "that's ok, I can just do you (blow job or hand job that is all about getting to the finish) or we can have sex." I probably shouldn't complain but sometimes I would rather masturbate than bother her or have sex with someone who doesn't seem to enjoy it.
I enjoy foreplay and the buildup but it's gotten to where I can tell she would just rather me ask her and get right to it...which is great sometimes but it seems impersonal. This has really done a number on my confidence and makes me wonder. Does she love me? Is she attracted to me? Is she cheating on me? I can't imagine her cheating but I'm sure many a man have said the same thing.
It could be a lot of things.From the description, it sounds like she sees sex more as a duty than as something you enjoy, but it could also be a sign she has a low sex drive/libido, which is not uncommon. Unfortunately, some people have grown up around religion especially that still teaches that sex is dirty or for making babies and 'good people' don't do it to enjoy it (not all religious groups are like that, my wife went to a church whose pre cana stuff emphasized having a healthy, fun sex life, that it was okay to explore and according to her, from what she heard, the priest didn't make a big deal about birth control either.......I wonder what happened to this church after the Polish wonder and Der Pope came into power....).
Has you wife had her hormone levels checked? Women's hormones if out of balance can screw up their sex drive, especially if the T levels women have are messed up (yes, women have T)...my wife uses an herbal product that seemed to help, it has done a number for her, and there is phyiscal proof.....
I can't suggest enough that maybe counseling would help, if she were willing to go. Having a partner doing it to please you sucks, it doesn't feel good, been there......when someone is not getting anything out of it, other than a sense of duty, you are going to pick up on that. I would recommend a trained sex counselor, as I think i recommended before, and get her (I highly recommend a woman) to talk about it, see what is going on. Among other things, it is denying her intimacy as well, and I think once she gets a taste of it it could change things a lot....keep talking to her about it, explain that while you appreciate her willingness to have sex with you, that what you are seeking is a shared experience where you both enjoy it..ask her why she doesn't seem to enjoy it, ask her if she simply doesn't feel the need to have sex (and please, do so gently, not "we are married, for Christ's sake, we are supposed to have sex and enjoy it!!" *smile*), it is obviously important to you and the only way to get something to happen is to talk and get her to open up. There are a lot of things that could cause this, and quite honestly a pro might be better at it. If you guys belong to a church, talk to the minister/priest, and see what they think, maybe they have ideas.
Has you wife had her hormone levels checked? Women's hormones if out of balance can screw up their sex drive, especially if the T levels women have are messed up (yes, women have T)...my wife uses an herbal product that seemed to help, it has done a number for her, and there is phyiscal proof.....
I can't suggest enough that maybe counseling would help, if she were willing to go. Having a partner doing it to please you sucks, it doesn't feel good, been there......when someone is not getting anything out of it, other than a sense of duty, you are going to pick up on that. I would recommend a trained sex counselor, as I think i recommended before, and get her (I highly recommend a woman) to talk about it, see what is going on. Among other things, it is denying her intimacy as well, and I think once she gets a taste of it it could change things a lot....keep talking to her about it, explain that while you appreciate her willingness to have sex with you, that what you are seeking is a shared experience where you both enjoy it..ask her why she doesn't seem to enjoy it, ask her if she simply doesn't feel the need to have sex (and please, do so gently, not "we are married, for Christ's sake, we are supposed to have sex and enjoy it!!" *smile*), it is obviously important to you and the only way to get something to happen is to talk and get her to open up. There are a lot of things that could cause this, and quite honestly a pro might be better at it. If you guys belong to a church, talk to the minister/priest, and see what they think, maybe they have ideas.
Catharyn
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 13, 2013
- Posts
- 210
Hi Texan...
Just a suggestion, and one from personal experience. Have you tried seducing her, say, before the bedtime hour? A few hot sweet strokes to build the fire? A few hot sweet words to help stoke anticipation of the night ahead?
Whisper what you'll do to her, once you get her alone?
Just planting the seed is sometimes all it takes.
Hope this is helpful and hope you find your answer. Sounds like a lucky lady, to me.
Just a suggestion, and one from personal experience. Have you tried seducing her, say, before the bedtime hour? A few hot sweet strokes to build the fire? A few hot sweet words to help stoke anticipation of the night ahead?
Whisper what you'll do to her, once you get her alone?
Just planting the seed is sometimes all it takes.
Hope this is helpful and hope you find your answer. Sounds like a lucky lady, to me.
So many good thoughts in this thread. I still think the biggest is the guilt that is ingrained in women from childhood and the Church. Be a good girl be a good girl don't do anything that will make your husband think you are not virgin. Don't learn anything or don't read this or don't do that because he won't want you if he thinks you already know this stuff. Yet on the wedding be he expects you to be a tiger and when your not there is something wrong. Many of us were not even allowed to masturbate, it was bad and you were bad if you did. They didn't even teach us proper names of our body parts and during the time when the link between our body parts to our brains that make us sexual were supposed to be forming they weren't . Course our parents didn't know in many instances. It is very true most women don't have orgasms from intercourse alone and if they haven't learned or been taught otherwise they can go years without ever having one so they don't even know what good sex is. Women urges grow much slower than men and she needs to have a lot of foreplay which most men don't like. Men like to get down to business and do the deed then go to sleep. Women are intimate and many men don't know intimate, though they have a desire to do this or that they don't know how to be intimate. They don't know how to bring the best out in their wife or g/f. I so want to have a man go through Jason Julius s blue print to the female orgasm and really read it and follow it. But so many men feel they know it all already. Yet most don't even know how to give their women squirting orgasms. In fact there are still many who think it is pee. Any way just saying there are some good instructional books that help a man to learn and if the woman listens or reads too things can happen. Having kids in the house also affects how a woman is able to react. He might consider getting a baby sitter and taking her out to a romantic dinner maybe theater and check into a hotel for the night. Really dress up and buy roses or chocolate to something that she would really like. Do it up big but get her out of the house and in a romantic situation, maybe she like dancing. A little wine (not a lot) a little dancing, get her to feel uninhibited and not have to worry about the kids or and see what happens. Maybe even a weekend retreat. Doing something she likes and using intimate touches and get her mindset going.
