Question? In need of advice

[callamath]

Hello, I was after some advice I have been with my missus for close to 5 years we are happliy engaged, we went through a tough year last year with a daughter bro g born early and spending the first 6 months of her life in hospital. This brings me to my question we have not had sex for well over a year. Before I could under stand stress and what not. But the little one has been home for a whole now and everything is fine. She has been going to counsling but how long should I wait? It's becoming harder and harder

 

[chipcarver]

Be patient, she has been through a tragic event. Not that you haven't either, but men are wired different. Start off by showing her some affection. I am sure she has gained weight so reassure her that this isn't a problem. Flowers, a good book, cooking dinner for her, etc. Be romantic without a desire to have sex lingering in your mind.
Good Luck!

 

[bailadora]

She has been going to counsling but how long should I wait? It's becoming harder and harder

That's something only you can answer. Only you can know how far and how long you are willing to fight for your relationship.

I have been the partner with the low libido and I have been the partner with the high libido. So I can see both sides of the coin and frankly, they both suck! When I was the one with the low libido, I was actively trying to resolve my problems. But I still felt a tremendous amount of guilt for not being able to give him what he needed and for not being able to "make" things happen faster.

When I was the one with the higher libido, I acutely felt the sting of rejection and frustration. I think going through my own struggles made me more understanding of his problems and enabled me to have more patience with him. It didn't eliminate or lessen the intensity of my feelings, but it did help me not to feel so resentful of him.

You mention that she's going to counseling and I think that's a good thing. Acknowledging there is a problem and actively seeking a solution is more than half the battle, IMO. But I think it would also be beneficial for YOU to seek counseling, to help you identify strategies to cope with your own emotions and frustration. If your wife is willing, you might want to also consider couples counseling, which would enable the pair of you to identify what kind of compromises can be worked out in the meantime. In the course of my time here on Lit, I've learned that sex encompasses so much more than insert tab a into slot b. Even if your wife doesn't desire intercourse, there are a whole host of other activities the pair of you can engage in that foster closeness and intimacy.

Best of luck to you both, Callamath. It's a sucky situation to be in. For what it's worth, I'm rooting for the pair of you.