Questions about herpes

[niceguys1st]

I have to say that I'm a bit nervous about posting this topic but it's important for me to learn as much as I can about this:

Before I ask my questions I have to preface them by telling a bit of background story.

A couple of years ago I met this girl online, and as the days and weeks and months went by we kept chatting more and more frequently. Finally, last summer I worked up the nerve to give her a phone call and since then, for about a year we've been talking on the phone on an almost daily basis.

We both care about eachother more than anything and I'm currently planning a trip to go and meet her next March. She has talked of moving closer to where I live and attend college there instead of closer to home just so she can be close to me if everything works out during my visit.

Now obviously the discussion of sex has come up more than once (actually a lot more!) and in that time I have admitted to her that I'm still a virgin. She is not. I feel very close to her and love her so much and I am really wanting her to be my first and had hoped that we would get the chance to be intimate duing my vacation.

Tonight though, things have changed. She finally admitted to me something that she has kept from people for a long time. She has herpes. Needless to say I was shocked; and hurt, confused, depressed as well. She told me between sobs that no matter how much she wants to be my first that she just can't bring herself to actually having sex with me because she cares about me too much to risk giving me the infection. I was crushed.

So here I am left wondering what I can possibly do to still be with this amazing person and also lessen the risks of getting herpes myself? I really don't know anything about herpes and most of the websites I've read haven't been much help at all. She is reluctant to talk to a doctor about this as she is ashamed, I imagine I would be as well so I can't really blame her.

What steps can be taken to prevent them? What are the chances of me getting them wearing a condom? Is she at any risk by having sex with the disease?

My apologies for sounding so naive but I really don't know and any help would be more than appreciated. I'm scared and rather nervous about being intimate with her now because I don't want my first time to end up with me contracting an STD but on the other hand, there's also nobody that I would want to share that part of me with other than her - so I'm torn.

HELP!

 

[pimpslap]

http://www.westoverheights.com/freebooktext.html

 

[lovingdreamer]

I think it was great that she told you now. I also think it is very wise of her not to want to give you this infection. It shows that she is more interested in you as a person rather then just a person to sleep with. I do not know much about this virus but I would say do your research and read whatever you can on it, and also ask her questions. She lives with it so she understands. Better she told you now then later!

 

[ChocolateHarlot]

I think it was great that she told you now. I also think it is very wise of her not to want to give you this infection. It shows that she is more interested in you as a person rather then just a person to sleep with. I do not know much about this virus but I would say do your research and read whatever you can on it, and also ask her questions. She lives with it so she understands. Better she told you now then later!

Couldnt have said it better

 

[christian1971]

I am sure she is on med's to control the type of herpes she has so she must have it under some kind of control and more or less knows what she has to do. She knows when there flaring up and when there under control. There are also ways of preforming oral with an oral condoms also.

You can still have sex just use a condom. Herpes doesnt mean she can't have sex just means you and her have to be careful. Just talk more with each other now and allow her to feel relaxed and know that if you are still serious about having sex that you are committed to doing it right.

Plus I am not sure but I know that there are meeting that you can go to that help more with someone with Herpes, I mite be wrong not 100% sure? If your ok with it then let her feel good about it.

 

[latebloomer124]

"Niceguy," your concerns are valid, but perhaps I can shed some light on this.
I have had herpes for about 3 decades. I dated, got married, had a child (vaginally with no problems or complications). Granted, it's not something I would wish to pass on to someone I care about, but it is not the end of the world, either. Today, there are suppressive drugs to keep outbreaks to a minimum and to reduce the risk of spreading the virus between outbreaks. Wearing a condom during sex is something you should do to prevent any number of diseases, not just herpes. Most important: she should not be ashamed. Having herpes doesn't mean she was promiscuous; it just means she was unlucky. I was anything BUT promiscuous, but condoms weren't used much back then pre-AIDS. It's likely the person who passed it on didn't even know he had it. Tell her to see a doctor if she hasn't done that already. Have the doctor put her on medication. I'm sure when she speaks to him/her she will feel much, much better about herself and about living with herpes.

Meanwhile, if you care for her, try and make her feel better about herself and do not let her beat herself up over this.

 

[niceguys1st]

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement and advice. It's very much appreciated. Having a very difficult time right now talking to her, she's really upset and keeps telling me not to come see her now and not to touch her or do anything with her. It's really difficult to tell her that I still want to do these things and still make her feel attractive and wanted.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement and advice. It's very much appreciated. Having a very difficult time right now talking to her, she's really upset and keeps telling me not to come see her now and not to touch her or do anything with her. It's really difficult to tell her that I still want to do these things and still make her feel attractive and wanted.

You may need to take it a bit slower. Since she's never spoken to a doctor about this, that has to be the first step. She needs to gain control over the problem by knowing how to take care of herself. She will also be able to learn what is safer sex and what should be avoided and when.

Your visit isn't supposed to be until March - you will both have plenty of time to research this and to consider what you might be able to do together.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Have you considered the possibility that she has changed her mind about meeting you in person & considers this a good way to turn you off the whole idea?

I'm sorry, I'm very suspicious of internet romances.

 

[rcuhljr]

Have you considered the possibility that she has changed her mind about meeting you in person & considers this a good way to turn you off the whole idea?

I'm sorry, I'm very suspicious of internet romances.

And to think I just used to tell them my cat was on fire, then cut my cable.

 

[niceguys1st]

I have good news to report on this subject. Maybe about three weeks ago the girl in question had gone to get tested at a clinic, she never told them that she has herpes and lied when they asked questions about concerns that she might have etc. So they went ahead and did the testing, they never said everything they were testing for, just a general idea and that she should have the results in a couple of weeks.

Well, on Monday she went in to see if the test results had come back yet and they said that they had actually got them that morning so they went to grab them...Negative! For everything! She was happy, but still a bit nervous and then asked, "what all did you test for?" So the lady goes and reads off the list and mentions herpes as one of the things they tested for. So she was like, "oh, you tested for that?!" And the lady said that they did and it was negative and asked her if she had been concerned about that, she then admitted that she was. So she was asked, "do you shave?" Yes. "do you using shaving cream?" Yes. "How often do you get outbreaks?" Once every 8-9 months maybe. "How often do shave?" Twice a month. "How often do you use shaving cream when you shave?" .....once every 8-9 months. Problem solved. Nothing wrong with her except an allergic reaction to shaving cream! Solution: switch to soap and water or a different cream!

Needless to say she basically sped the entire way home and called me up immediately to give me the good news! Thank you all for the support you provided in this thread, I apologize for the false alarm.

 

[bisexplicit]

I'm glad things worked out for you, although, I have to say...not the brightest bulb in the box if you can't figure out the difference between a reaction to shaving and a herpes outbreak.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I'm glad things worked out for you, although, I have to say...not the brightest bulb in the box if you can't figure out the difference between a reaction to shaving and a herpes outbreak.

Totally agree!

People, see a doctor if something doesn't seem right down there! You just might find out there's nothing wrong.

 

[niceguys1st]

Excuse me, there's no need to be rude and to insinuate that she's stupid, she's not. I appreciate the insincere comments, I didn't post that as an invitation to make fun of her, I posted it to update the people who actually cared enough to offer me suggestions on what to do about this supposed problem.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Excuse me, there's no need to be rude and to insinuate that she's stupid, she's not. I appreciate the insincere comments, I didn't post that as an invitation to make fun of her, I posted it to update the people who actually cared enough to offer me suggestions on what to do about this supposed problem.

Well, she's obviously been having this issue for a LONG time, if she knows her "pattern" of break-outs after shaving cream every 8 months. If she really though she had herpes, it is stupid not to see a doctor.

 

[Eilan]

Maybe about three weeks ago the girl in question had gone to get tested at a clinic, she never told them that she has herpes and lied when they asked questions about concerns that she might have etc.

I'm glad that everything turned out well for her, but why on earth would she lie to the medical personnel? They can't help her if she's not honest with them.

 

[Chicklet]

I know it's hard to imagine someone lying to you when you feel so connected to them, but it's so easy for people to do via online/phone only relationships. You might want to consider that she was lying about her test results, to take back all the negativity she put between the two of you. Just consider it.

I'm sorry for her that she had this scare, but it really truly is SUCH a serious thing to be concerned about and then not follow through with. A responsible person would not only get tested after her initial feeling that she had herpes, but would contact the people she had relationships/encounters with and let THEM know that she had herpes, so that they could get tested, too.

PLEASE keep that in mind. She thought she had herpes and did not go through the responsible steps to keep the people who had been close to her safe! THAT IS A BIG RED LIGHT, IN MY OPINION!

 

[niceguys1st]

I never said that she was perfect and I agree that she probably should have got tested sooner than she did, but at least she still got tested eventually. It's easy to say from an outsider's perspective that she shouldn't have lied and shouldn't have waited so long etc. and I totally agree with that, it's just very difficult for her to admit things to people, she's very internal with a lot of things and it took her quite a long time before she finally trusted me enough to share things like this with me and I very highly doubt that she would lie to me about something this important.

 

[SweetErika]

I know it's hard to imagine someone lying to you when you feel so connected to them, but it's so easy for people to do via online/phone only relationships. You might want to consider that she was lying about her test results, to take back all the negativity she put between the two of you. Just consider it.

I'm sorry for her that she had this scare, but it really truly is SUCH a serious thing to be concerned about and then not follow through with. A responsible person would not only get tested after her initial feeling that she had herpes, but would contact the people she had relationships/encounters with and let THEM know that she had herpes, so that they could get tested, too.

PLEASE keep that in mind. She thought she had herpes and did not go through the responsible steps to keep the people who had been close to her safe! THAT IS A BIG RED LIGHT, IN MY OPINION!

I didn't consider these thoughts, but they're excellent.

There's a huge difference between shaving irritation/ a skin reaction and a herpes outbreak, too. Of course she should have gone to the doctor immediately, but at a minimum she must have done some research and compared her symptoms to information and pictures in order to conclude she had herpes.

Sometimes HSV tests are inaccurate, there's NO blood test for HPV (Genital Warts), people get confused and make assumptions, they have other encounters between tests or are tested too soon for the test to pick it up, and unfortunately, they're not always truthful about testing and their status.

Therefore, if you are ever intimate with her or anyone else and don't want to put yourself at high risk for contracting something, you'll need to proceed as if she/they DO have Herpes and HPV, which means using condoms and dental dams every single time. Basically, you have to assume and prepare for the worst until you have proof or deem it unimportant and commit to telling future partners you haven't always protected yourself and could be infected BEFORE you become intimate.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Now before everyone starts getting up in arms and this turns ugly, let me recount my own story and shed some light on what goes through a scared young woman's head. My own sister thought for months that she had herpes. She started having sores and such around that area and went to the health service at her college. They promptly told her she had herpes. She responded that she hadn't been sexually active and they told her she probably got it from one of the shower benches in the dorm bathrooms. Of course that's their way of saying yeah sure, you aren't sexually active.

Well she spent 5 months depressed over this, terrified to tell anyone because they wouldn't believe her and that my parents would freak out. Finally she called me in tears one night and spilled the whole thing. Well first I got her calmed down and spent an hour convincing her that it sucked yes, but wasn't hte end of the world. So then we talked about it a little more(God do I wish my wife had been home for this one ) and found out that there was way more going on here. She had been getting the same sores in other places, primarily her feet. Red Flag going up!

I asked her what kind of tests they'd done and she said nothing, they just looked and said you have this! Finally I convinced her to march into the Health Service and demand an STD test. She was ashamed to have to ask and embarassed, but she did it. Negative. So what did it turn out to be? The bleach or something that she'd started using on her underwear and socks was causing these sores. An allergic reaction and I think she had some sort of a skin thing too, like psoriasis, but not really.

Now my sister wasn't stupid, just young and uninformed like most kids of that generation. She'd never been permiscuous or open about sex, and that was before the days of the internet's wide availability, so resources were low. My sister is in fact one of the most intelligent people I know, but still that embarassment of contracting a disease with such a social stigma overrode her common sense.

I will agree that she should have sought medical help rather than giving in to her embarassment, but I can understand why she might react as she did, make the assumptions she did, and not make the correlation to her shaving cycle. When you get a belief in your head, it can become real, especially if it is traumatic. So I wouldn't say this young lady is stupid, but she does sound a little naive and uninformed. I would suggest that maybe you explore some of these things together to broaden your awareness of safe sex as well as fun sex practicies. There's no reason that can't become a wonderful bonding for the two of you.

 

[ladyadonia30]

herpes

Herpes comes in flares. There are times it can be passed on, and times it is dormant. I am assuming she is on meds, and with use of a condom....your chances are decreased. It is best to have sex between flares.

 

[TBKahuna123]

There's a huge difference between shaving irritation/ a skin reaction and a herpes outbreak, too. Of course she should have gone to the doctor immediately, but at a minimum she must have done some research and compared her symptoms to information and pictures in order to conclude she had herpes.

That's a good question. I have to admit that I've often considered asking my sister how the hell she could confuse the two, but it always seemed a little wierd. I'm not sure I my little sister to describe what the sores on her hoo-hoo looked like.

Again, this is the beauty of the internet though. Now we can anonymously check this information. Of course, with that comes some danger. I think this also points to the worthlessness of the college health services.

Therefore, if you are ever intimate with her or anyone else and don't want to put yourself at high risk for contracting something, you'll need to proceed as if she/they DO have Herpes and HPV, which means using condoms and dental dams every single time. Basically, you have to assume and prepare for the worst until you have proof or deem it unimportant and commit to telling future partners you haven't always protected yourself and could be infected BEFORE you become intimate.

Read this twice dude! ALWAYS be safe. It's just not worth risking unsafe sex. The risk is way higher than the reward.

 

[southernsky]

i was misdiagnosed as well by three different doctors. it's apparently pretty easy to confuse stuff down there and a lot of doctors apparently diagnose based on sight alone. the situation has since been resolved, but it took a lot of proactivity on my part to get it resolved. my symptoms also didn't look anything like any pictures of what they said i had, and it turned out to be just irritated skin. nothing wrong. it's easier than you think to not have a clue what's irritation and what's an std.

 

[niceguys1st]

Now before everyone starts getting up in arms and this turns ugly, let me recount my own story and shed some light on what goes through a scared young woman's head. My own sister thought for months that she had herpes. She started having sores and such around that area and went to the health service at her college. They promptly told her she had herpes. She responded that she hadn't been sexually active and they told her she probably got it from one of the shower benches in the dorm bathrooms. Of course that's their way of saying yeah sure, you aren't sexually active.

Well she spent 5 months depressed over this, terrified to tell anyone because they wouldn't believe her and that my parents would freak out. Finally she called me in tears one night and spilled the whole thing. Well first I got her calmed down and spent an hour convincing her that it sucked yes, but wasn't hte end of the world. So then we talked about it a little more(God do I wish my wife had been home for this one ) and found out that there was way more going on here. She had been getting the same sores in other places, primarily her feet. Red Flag going up!

I asked her what kind of tests they'd done and she said nothing, they just looked and said you have this! Finally I convinced her to march into the Health Service and demand an STD test. She was ashamed to have to ask and embarassed, but she did it. Negative. So what did it turn out to be? The bleach or something that she'd started using on her underwear and socks was causing these sores. An allergic reaction and I think she had some sort of a skin thing too, like psoriasis, but not really.

Now my sister wasn't stupid, just young and uninformed like most kids of that generation. She'd never been permiscuous or open about sex, and that was before the days of the internet's wide availability, so resources were low. My sister is in fact one of the most intelligent people I know, but still that embarassment of contracting a disease with such a social stigma overrode her common sense.

I will agree that she should have sought medical help rather than giving in to her embarassment, but I can understand why she might react as she did, make the assumptions she did, and not make the correlation to her shaving cycle. When you get a belief in your head, it can become real, especially if it is traumatic. So I wouldn't say this young lady is stupid, but she does sound a little naive and uninformed. I would suggest that maybe you explore some of these things together to broaden your awareness of safe sex as well as fun sex practicies. There's no reason that can't become a wonderful bonding for the two of you.

Thank you very much for this well worded post, it was nice to hear somebody say something positive about her and not simply act like she's a moron and a liar. I appreciate it and thank you.

For those concerned, I was never intending to have unprotected sex with her in the first place. The thought of not using a condom never really entered my mind so I'm not worried about trying to decide if I need to wear one or not, I was going to from day one.

 

[SweetErika]

Herpes comes in flares. There are times it can be passed on, and times it is dormant. I am assuming she is on meds, and with use of a condom....your chances are decreased. It is best to have sex between flares.

Well, all contact should be avoided if there are any symptoms of an outbreak, really. Also, HSV can be, and often is, transmitted when there are no symptoms at all. That's the tricky thing about it -- you never know when it's truly dormant or communicable, but just asymptomatic.


And Niceguys1st, I don't think most of us were calling your friend stupid or a liar. Her actions failed to show common sense, which is something we're all guilty of at times, and we're trying to warn you (and her, through you, hopefully) about the very real dangers. Stranger things have happened than even really good, generally honest people trying to make a bad situation a little more tolerable by creating stories, denying, or lying. I truly hope that's not the case here, but it certainly is something you need to watch for with all people, no matter the relationship, history or trust.

I'm glad you're planning on safer sex, and hope you'll extend that to oral and genital-genital contact. Good luck with that and your relationships in the future!