After 19 years of marriage my husband and I are getting a divorce. Any of you that are in the same boat, have been, or know someone who is... where do you go from here? I grew up with this man, now I'm 39 and about to start a new life... what was I thinking?!?!
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- Thread starter MissBaby
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fgarvb1
We are in for it now.
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MissBaby said:
Although I've been married for fifteen years this time, this is my fourth marriage so I 've had to start over several times before.
Some things I have noticed are.
It's different but not necessarily harder for men than a woman it really depends on the person.
It takes me about six months to get in the groove of living the single life again but that OK because it's not a good ideal to get into a serious relationship that soon ofter a divorce.
Most of the time I found I have to develop some new friendships. Thats just the Way it is.
While being flexible about your time is good you should structure the time you have to do certain thing at certain times of the week be it shopping for food, working out or what ever.
Stay reasonably busy. Explore new things and people, find out some things you didn't know about yourself.
But above all be kind to you.
Nor much help I know but maybe other people will chip in.
Eilan
Absent(ish)
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My ex-husband and I became best friends at 10, were married at 20, and were separated (not my choice) by 28. The first six months were the most difficult for me, but that was mostly because we went through what I now call our Half-Assed Reconciliation Period. Once it became clear that there'd be no reconciliation, things got easier, but it didn't happen overnight.
What helped me was having the support of my family, particularly my mom and my grandma, and my two best friends. Knowing that I had to keep my shit together for my children, a toddler and an infant at the time, also gave the little push I needed to keep from wallowing too much.
My ex and I had been friends since childhood, and losing his friendship affected me more deeply than losing him as a spouse. We're civil, almost cordial for the children, and I think he'd like to be friends again, but I can't forget the hurt, even though I've been happily remarried for almost 5 1/2 years.
It sucks at first, but it really does get easier.
What helped me was having the support of my family, particularly my mom and my grandma, and my two best friends. Knowing that I had to keep my shit together for my children, a toddler and an infant at the time, also gave the little push I needed to keep from wallowing too much.
My ex and I had been friends since childhood, and losing his friendship affected me more deeply than losing him as a spouse. We're civil, almost cordial for the children, and I think he'd like to be friends again, but I can't forget the hurt, even though I've been happily remarried for almost 5 1/2 years.
It sucks at first, but it really does get easier.
D
DeeZire
Guest
Staying busy is great advice, doing interesting things you always wanted to do but couldn't, because of the time commitment to your now-defunct relationship. Staying out of a serious relationship for six months is also a good idea. Of course you will be thinking 'I have to find someone NOW!' but you don't. There's not that much difference between age 39 and 39 & 1/2. The worst thing you can do is hook up with a new relationship just for the sake of having a new relationship, and then find out a year later it was a mistake. More broken hearts, all the way around.
Perhaps you could take advantage of this emotional rollercoaster by writing, not necessarily about the breakup, but about anything: a funny story about a plain jane type of gal who lands the best guy around because of her incredible snapping pussy, a satire about the local minister who has a BDSM dungeon hidden in the basement of his church. Whatever.
The main thing is to find things that make you happy, (have you ever gone sailing? In a little boat with a sail and a jib? That makes me happy) so that when you do get involved again, you'll know how to prioritize what's in your life and not give up the important things for the sake of the new guy.
Best of luck to you, and if you don't own a vibrator, perhaps now would be a good time to buy one. Just don't think about your ex when you're doing it.
Perhaps you could take advantage of this emotional rollercoaster by writing, not necessarily about the breakup, but about anything: a funny story about a plain jane type of gal who lands the best guy around because of her incredible snapping pussy, a satire about the local minister who has a BDSM dungeon hidden in the basement of his church. Whatever.
The main thing is to find things that make you happy, (have you ever gone sailing? In a little boat with a sail and a jib? That makes me happy) so that when you do get involved again, you'll know how to prioritize what's in your life and not give up the important things for the sake of the new guy.
Best of luck to you, and if you don't own a vibrator, perhaps now would be a good time to buy one. Just don't think about your ex when you're doing it.
rachelqueenT
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subwannabe
Literotica Guru
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I'm not really sure what you meant by, "What was I thinking?". Is it you who instigated the divorce and now you are having second thoughts, or does that mean something else? If you were the one who started the divorce and are having second thoughts maybe you should talk about it and get counseling. In any event, there is life after a divorce. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it and it usually doesn't happen right away. I have "been there, done that." My first wife dumped me after eleven years and then a few short years after that my job dumped me after 17 years. I can tell you today that I am better off in both cases now than I was before. Good luck.
Christopher19
Really Experienced
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Like someone said before, there is life after divorce. I've never been married, and I can't feel the pain that you must, but I can still understand it. You grew up with the man, but if now you're divorcing, there must be a good reason behind it. You're very strong to go through with it, so you'll make it okay as you move on away from him.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Phaedre
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Hello, I'm sorry to read about your situation.
My DH & I have recently separated after 23 years as a couple (16 years married) so I'm just getting used to life as a single again. It is scary and somewhat depressing but hopefully once the dust has settled we will each discover that life goes on and perhaps might even be better?
My DH & I have recently separated after 23 years as a couple (16 years married) so I'm just getting used to life as a single again. It is scary and somewhat depressing but hopefully once the dust has settled we will each discover that life goes on and perhaps might even be better?
minx1
Enchanted Rebel Girl
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I'm divorced now. I left my husband and my home 3 years ago. All I had with me was a shopping bag of clothes...I was distraught when I packed and I hadn't got a clue what I'd taken, lol. I had to leave my job and pretty much hit rock bottom. Honestly things couldn't have got much worse. Actually they did and my dad died, but thats another story. It was a time of such change and instability and I hate uncertainty.
At some point and I don't know why or what triggered it but I made an important decision...I decided I wasn't going to be bitter (I had many reasons to be). That was a key point for me. A point when the cloud lifted. I got some work and I was able to find a house to rent. With my mums help we furnished it in a weekend, buying second hand furniture and filling it with handouts from friends.
I had times where I sobbed at what I had lost and the feelings of being alone. I was frightened....the thought of starting again was overwhelming.
But the shitty times became less. I found in actual fact I felt less alone on my own than when I was with my husband. My confidence grew...I regained friends I had lost and made new ones. I learned things about myself...that I could be resilient and resourceful when I needed to be. I stopped crying out of frustration when I couldn't reach to change a lightbulb even on step ladders and started to laugh at things like that.
The whole experience made me feel strong. I found I liked my own company too and these days I am very happy pottering around my house, pleasing myself what I do and when I do it. I got excited about things....dating again lol. I had some terribly funny dates. Thats funny strange, not haha.
This week I've given notice to quit on my house...its scary. Its my haven, where I feel safe. The only really stable thing I have in my life at the moment. In a few weeks time I will board a plane (or maybe even a train and a boat....I haven't decided yet) to Australia, where I am going to work for a few months. Its a risk but hell whats a bit more change eh? it's a risk worth taking and i would never have done anything like this when I was married.
There is no doubt you will have some shitty times, but they will lift or lessen in their frequency and intensity. And yes, things will be different, but sometimes different is good. There is an abundance of opportunities and good times out there, honestly. Just go with the bad times, accept them for the passing phase they are and the good times will most certainly follow.
At some point and I don't know why or what triggered it but I made an important decision...I decided I wasn't going to be bitter (I had many reasons to be). That was a key point for me. A point when the cloud lifted. I got some work and I was able to find a house to rent. With my mums help we furnished it in a weekend, buying second hand furniture and filling it with handouts from friends.
I had times where I sobbed at what I had lost and the feelings of being alone. I was frightened....the thought of starting again was overwhelming.
But the shitty times became less. I found in actual fact I felt less alone on my own than when I was with my husband. My confidence grew...I regained friends I had lost and made new ones. I learned things about myself...that I could be resilient and resourceful when I needed to be. I stopped crying out of frustration when I couldn't reach to change a lightbulb even on step ladders and started to laugh at things like that.
The whole experience made me feel strong. I found I liked my own company too and these days I am very happy pottering around my house, pleasing myself what I do and when I do it. I got excited about things....dating again lol. I had some terribly funny dates. Thats funny strange, not haha.
This week I've given notice to quit on my house...its scary. Its my haven, where I feel safe. The only really stable thing I have in my life at the moment. In a few weeks time I will board a plane (or maybe even a train and a boat....I haven't decided yet) to Australia, where I am going to work for a few months. Its a risk but hell whats a bit more change eh? it's a risk worth taking and i would never have done anything like this when I was married.
There is no doubt you will have some shitty times, but they will lift or lessen in their frequency and intensity. And yes, things will be different, but sometimes different is good. There is an abundance of opportunities and good times out there, honestly. Just go with the bad times, accept them for the passing phase they are and the good times will most certainly follow.
wishing you good luck
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Bandit58
Sir's wonder woman
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MissBaby said:
I left my husband just over 5 years ago after 23 years of marriage. I was 19 when we married and didn't have a clue
That first night after i moved out, I stood in the middle of the living room and cried....tears of relief mostly, but also a bit of "now what do I do?" I spent the first six months just working at my part time job and staying at home, until a friend invited me out to the local pub. I gradually developed more friends, a social life, and I enjoyed being able to do what I wanted whenever I wanted. I found I enjoyed being alone, being able to go through things in my head and work through emotional abuse issues as well as a date rape that had been blocked out over the time I was married.
I'm now married again, and living in Sydney Australia which is a far cry from the rural area in NZ I had lived in for most of my life. The last 5 years have been a wonderful journey of self discovery and learning. Think of it as an opportunity to learn about yourself and grow as a person - I know how scary this time is but you will be fine
Newholland
Virgin
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- Aug 5, 2007
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Sorry for your loss.The best thing your doing is talking about it.I would recommend a book called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love "by Harold H.Bloomfield,M.D.-simple but effective.It helped me in my darkest hours.Good advice posted by all.
darlingguy2
Really Experienced
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- Jan 4, 2006
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- 198
Well I will be single very soon but the kids are coming with me. My old lady doesn't want to leaver her very wealthy but aging parents so she is giving up our marriage to stay with them so she can collect her inheritance. My father-in-law has Alzheimer’s and my mother in law won't hire a nurse for the old cheap bastard. I find it funny that for years they were terrible slum lords not giving a dam about doing anything to their rental properties. They made sure their poor tenants paid on time even though their buildings were falling down. Now this old cheap bastard does nothing but shit in his pants, lie on the couch and utter crazy nonsense. What goes around comes around. The house we live in us a dump even though we have poured some much money into making it livable. Now that I am five months from completing my graduate degree in education, the pain will soon go away. My two young sons have begged me not to leave them with their mother. I am the cook, house cleaner and figure of authority. When I go every thing will fall apart for her. Her life will end taking care of her parents and my career will begin. Those of you please stay single. Just because someone takes an oath during their wedding service does not mean they will keep it! My wife will be waiting a long time for her money. Her family members live well into their nineties and she has at least 15 years to go. That will make her fifty one years old when she gets her dirty money. Talk about reducing life’s great worth just because some one is too lazy to earn their keep! That’s how her parents became wealthy. They inherited someone else’s money. Right now I would die for the love of a warm and loving women who I could live the rest of my life with in harmony.
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