Rekindling the old flames

[Married_Guy]

I have been around here lurking for some time, and recently find myself in a dilemma that I thought ya’ll might be able, and willing to help with.

A little background:
We have been married for (better get this one right) 23 years. Much of that time has been great between us. However as you know in any 23 year marriage there are things that seem to put you of track for awhile. As of late we seem to have gotten off track again, and this time we don’t know how to reignite the flames we once had with each other. Both the wife and I still love each other as deep as any time before. But we can’t seem to get out of this rut where it just seems like we are cohabitating for the sake of the kids.

Hopefully some of you have gone through the same thing and can shed some light on how you managed to get the spark back.

Thanks in advance

 

[SweetErika]

First off, welcome, Married_Guy! It might help if you could give everyone an idea of what you've tried with no success... narrow it down a little, you know?

 

[wildwesty]

Try a get away just the 2 of you, to spend time with each other and sort remember why you are in love with one another. Go to a bed and breakfast, get pampered together and just relax, nap together, candlelit bath, the whole 9 yards. I hope this is sort of what you were looking for but then again, I haven't been married before or been involved with someone nearly that long, but this seems like a great idea...sweep her off her feet to a weekend get a away.

 

[love2kiss]

Hi Married Guy,
Been married only 10 years. Have an 18, 8 and 7 year old kids. Have had plenty of 'dry" spells.
This year for out 10th, my husband had planned a romantic weekend at a resort hotel in town. We left the kids with his sister for the weekend.
We ended up cancelling the reservations and staying home watching movies and just going out and doing whatever we wanted without any care for time.
Even furniture shopping (can't do it with the kids around, they drive me nuts) was nice. I even lost track of time in one store, I was having such a pleasant time.
On sunday we had brunch at the resort hotel. It was great.
The entire weekend, I had that feelig I used to have when just doing whatever we felt like doing.(pre children) days!
I'm a touch and feel person, but that weekend I felt like I was in a brand new relationship with him again. I wanted to touch and look at my husband all the time.
So, what I'm trying to say is, do the things that gave you both pleasure before all the responsibilities or being married and parents came to be. Just take a weekend off to enjoy just the two of you.
I found out that I did not need candle light dinners and spa treatments. Just to be alone with him without kids was sooooo good! To top it off, we didn't even have sex that weekend.
We didn't plan to make it an issue and the preassure was off.
Many times we have to "work" around the kids schedule so we didn't want to make an issue of it with expectations for the weekend.
Sorry for long post.

 

[Married_Guy]

love2kiss
Welcome to Lit.

Thank you so much for that encouragement. And also I noticed that was your first post.

OMG to let the first post to help someone else. What a friend to have.

That sounds so much like us that it is unreal. We have 3 kids ourselves. (20yo girl, 16yo boy and 13yo boy) We will have to try some of those things.
I hope you are doing GREAT today. And thank you very much. The Bride will respond to this thread soon.

MG

 

[Married_Lady]

Thanks for the advice y'all. We need some help. We don't have much luck talking or emailing. Literotica seems to be the only communication form MG can relate to so we are trying this.

ML

 

[Married_Guy]

OUCH,
And to think I thought I was trying.
Actually we have been doing a lot of talking today, and that has helped us communicate together. At least I think so. (But I¡¦m just the man. ƒº)

MG

 

[Celtia]

love2kiss seems right on the money.

Sometimes it's just taking the time to fall in love again. Dress up for each other, go to dinner, take in a movie. As dorky as it seems, a "date night" without the kids (send them to a friend's for a sleepover or something) is always recommended! Sex may not be the most important thing, but intimacy is...and being alone is key!

Best of luck!

 

[Married_Lady]

Celtia:

That sounds nice but we have never gone to a movie together because MG doesn't want to be in a place where he can't smoke for such a long time. I go alone or with the kids. We bowl on a league and we have gone out to eat, a few times without the kids, but other than that we are pretty limited on where we can go because of the no smoking restrictions. Also, weeknights are too hectic and weekends MG likes to drink then go to bed early. Our time together is pretty much limited to watching tv together week nights which we do on a regular basis. MG will probably say ouch again but it is what it is.

ML

 

[Celtia]

I know the feeling. My Beau doesn't feel like going out ever...too tired from working, would rather sit in front of the computer or watch a movie at home.

What about a romantic night in? A picnic in the livingroom, champagne, chocolate covered strawberries...the works...That way, no smoking restrictions!

 

[Married_Lady]

That might be a plan. Just have to find a time when the kids have other places to spend the night at the same time. We don't have any family anywhere close by or anyone to leave them with (the oldest is never here and moving out soon) and usually by the time we learn they both might have a place to stay the night it is too late.

ML

 

[Guinevere]

hi MM & ML, I wish I could say something wise and wonderful to help, but all I have is this. It doen't matter where the help comes from as long as it is there.

Love2kiss was right on the nail; I have a man that I fall in and out of love with all the time. But the best times are when we are alone outside and have no pressure.

The best night I have had recently was nothing more than dinner at the local pub; we met friends who we had not seen for ages and we all ate together. (This is very rare for us). The night was brilliant, we left laughing and relaxed.

The above is not much but I wish you both well and hope you rediscover each other again real soon

 

[Married_Lady]

Thank you Guinevere, you are right, every bit of help we can get is a good thing. Thank you for responding.

ML

 

[Guinevere]

you are welcome.

I just spoke to him and he smiled and said, "well walking in the woods and talking to each other works."
*me* -"Why?"
* him*-because no-one can hear when we argue, and the place is so peaceful we rarely do."

I think he has a point...LOL

 

[Married_Lady]

LOL

Guess we could walk in the desert! A bit warm these days... and dusty! (Monsoon season) Good deterrents to arguing.

ML

 

[Guinevere]

LMAO...that reminds me of a friend who told me a couple of days ago that she had made love in the rain with her man and it was incrediable! LOL, I'm still thinking about where I should try that...

 

[Noor]

Celtia:

That sounds nice but we have never gone to a movie together because MG doesn't want to be in a place where he can't smoke for such a long time. I go alone or with the kids. We bowl on a league and we have gone out to eat, a few times without the kids, but other than that we are pretty limited on where we can go because of the no smoking restrictions. Also, weeknights are too hectic and weekends MG likes to drink then go to bed early. Our time together is pretty much limited to watching tv together week nights which we do on a regular basis. MG will probably say ouch again but it is what it is.

ML

My first thought was to institute a date night once a week where you go out for a meal, movie, play or something and get away from your house and kids, so it is just the two of you. But that won't work.

During the past 23 yrs has MG's smoking always interferred with your activities together to this extent? It sounds like being able to smoke is more important than anything else.
2 hrs seems like a short time to be smoke free, how does he manage plane travel? or can't he go on any trips because of this?
Also weekends of drinking and going to bed early, doesn't sound like a good set up for putting the spark back in a relationship. An early night of mutual baths, massages and sex also seems out.
Making love for hours would probably lose some of the momentum if you have to stop every so often for a cigarette.

MG's sounds a bit set in his ways, and those ways unfortunately are anti socail to some extent.
I wonder if there is something that you do that excludes him? and if there is maybe you could make a trade of them so you could spend some relaxed time together.

I guess since it is still summer you could do a romantic picnic and watch shakespeare in the park if they have that sort of thing where you are. You could go out and eat at latin night clubs, they always seem to allow smoking and some of them have great food. You might even dance a bit.
You could go hiking or bird watching together, swimming in a lake.

maybe create something together, a painting, something with wire.

I think the trick to having a spark, is having fun together. what did you used to do that you both had fun at? maybe you could do that again?

 

[Celtia]

I'll give you advice my friend gave me.

Be away from him, make him crave time with you. Don't be unavailable or aloof, but be away, have hobbies, go out with friends. This will make the time together more special, because it is more rare.

Just a thought.

I also agree with Noor. If smoking is SO important it puts a damper on a nice evening out, perhaps it's time to quit. (Hey, my dad quit, and he'd been smoking since he was 7 years old).

 

[Guinevere]

Be away from him, make him crave time with you. Don't be unavailable or aloof, but be away, have hobbies, go out with friends. This will make the time together more special, because it is more rare.

That rocks! (and is true)

 

[Married_Lady]

”I think the trick to having a spark, is having fun together. what did you used to do that you both had fun at? maybe you could do that again?”

We’d go to the park, out in the pasture with the cows, drive around to see the sites, but our romance early on ended short when he became enamored by a co-worker. Since then, we have had many rocky years with brief spurts of happiness. After we moved to AZ he told me he had resented me for the past 13 years (ended when his pursuit of other women became more than I could handle) because he had not been able to drink and that he was more mature now and could drink and handle it. He said he could limit his self to 2-3 beers in the evening and be happy. Sadly, things didn’t work that way. At first I was thinking great, if he can do that, I can drink here and there again too because I had never had a drinking problem but gave it up because he had to. Another woman came into the pic again. No physical action but complete emotional attachment to her. He even told me he had fallen in love with her but he felt he was polyamorous so he could love us both. “The way I exclude him?” I don’t enjoy porn 24-7. I do enjoy it every now and then but not every single day. I agree it can spice things up but I am just not into it every single day the way he is. I don’t mind that he looks at it and enjoys it because I am well aware that is a common thing among men. It just seems he enjoys it more than he enjoys me even though when he shows me what he would like and enjoy, I see the exact same thing I have been providing him with. I think it is just because it is me providing him with it and not someone else that makes it no good. When I say, “I do that for you already” he gets angry and says I don’t. I guess I feel like I am too far at the bottom of his list of priorities (Smoking, beer, porn, work….) and I have been trying to compete for years to no avail. He hates that I bring up the past and I don’t blame him. I hate bringing up the past but the problem is, the past keeps becoming the present. I don’t bring things up from the past until there is a current identical event happening. When his early attachment to the latest other woman began and I tried to “rekindle” the flames with him he asked me how he could do that. I told him to bring me little gifts here and there, a flower or something small. Nothing expensive or big, and fun loving emails. So he did. Problem was, he did the same for her. Okay, so now we have made it past that issue once again. I went out of state for a week, family illness, and came home to be greeted with a dozen roses, guilt roses, for events that had taken place while I was gone. That was 4 months ago. I guess that pretty much did me in. I lost the hope. I lost the will to continue trying. 23 years of competing and trying has gotten me nowhere. I told him that obviously he had never had the love for me that I had for him. I told him I was fine staying married for the kids and we could just be friends. I even said I could have great sex with him still because I love sex and don’t care to give that up. It just won’t have the love in it. It will just be “sex” which is what he has always told me that that is all it is to him anyway. His idea of a loving relationship is sharing erotic emails, instant messaging, and participating in fantasy sex in real life. When we were separated during the move for a long time we did the messaging and that was fun but when we got back together (children in tow) that wasn’t an available option. He enjoyed that immensely and wants that back. I enjoyed it too but that is not really possible now. I do not have messaging available at work and we are together the rest of the time. We need to find something else we can do. He has told me over and over that sex is not related to love. Now all of a sudden, he has decided that it is no fun being friends and having sex. I don’t know why really. Maybe because he sees now what it feels like to be on the end that is just getting the sex without the passion that comes with true deep couple love. I’m not sure. I know he is not going to be happy that I have brought up the past again, but if we are going to get help, I think y’all need to know where we are coming from. This is not just a case of boredom. Sorry for rambling.

ML

 

[Married_Lady]

I smoke too but I can abstain for however long I need to to enjoy other activities, sometimes several days at a time.

I know that having other interests and going out with friends (more likely the kids) is helpful to me but it doesn't seem to do much for us when I do it. I generally take the kids to a movie about once every 1-2 months and either go with them or to see something I'd enjoy that they wouldn't while they go to a kid movie.

 

[Celtia]

It IS true.

Oh, and make him jealous. Not overtly. My Beau hates when girls try to make him jealous by cheating on him. I would never think of such a thing.

But I DO have a friend he is jealous of. Not that anything has or would happen with him (minus the St. Pat's day monumental ass grab--him grabbing my ass), but Beau is still jealous to some degree.

Well, I was talking to said friend on the phone, and Beau wandered into the bedroom and asked who I was talking to, just out of curiosity (because he is friends with most of my friends, and would say 'hi'), and I told him who I was talking to. He got "the look".

Later that night, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Him being on nights, he stays up all night on his nights off to keep his schedule normal. I was laying on the couch watching television, and he comes over, sits on the floor beside me, and asks if I want "some action".

Now, this is a man who rarely initiates sex (he's afraid of offending me and making me think that's all he wants me for--hell yeah, I want him to want me for that! but that's another story).

Anyhow, the slight jealousy he felt gave way to wanting to assure himself that he can pleasure me. In turn, I did the same for him.

But yeah, the point is, slight jealousy--letting him know that other men ARE interested in you, even though you are clear they have NO chance, is healthy and can "kick start" that spark.

 

[Celtia]

Have you guys considered counselling? (sorry, the above post was posted as you were posting).

I think the problems are much deeper than trying to fire a spark. Counselling would definitely help.

 

[Married_Lady]

Sadly he has never expressed a jealous bone with me. I have tried that but he knows I would go absolutely no where with it so he isn't affected one bit. He knows he has always been the only one for me.

 

[Married_Lady]

I went through counseling years ago but we have not been through any together. He doesn't want to do that and I have to admit, after going through my counseling I don't care to either. It is mostly about expressing everything, which we have done, then getting on with life together or separately. We have talked and decided we do want to be together but so much has happened it is hard to start over.