Rekindling the old flames

[Noor]

I forgot to mention, I have some friends who do date night with another couple. twice a week they trade kids, all the kids stay at their house one day, and then they all stay at the friends. They can stay all night or pick up the kids at the end of the evening.

 

[Noor]

I just read your long post and I admire you for still having any sexual interest in him at all.
smoking, alcohol, porn 24/7, intimacy with new people, on line fantasy sex all sound like addictions or serious escapes from reality to me.
He started this thread so it seems he wants you, but I think the question is what is he willing to do or give up to keep you?
I am uncomfortable with the making him jealous scenario, but I do think developing a life that is fulfilling for you and not so centered around him might help.
His being polyamorous is all well and good if you are both into but it sounds more like an excuse for bad behavior to me. I have been in multiple relationships in the past and it is not easy, not as simple as doing the same things with different people, giving them the same gifts, ect... it is much harder than being in one relationship with one other person and thinking of their needs.

I understand the problem with bringing up the past, but it seems that past problems are not resolved to both of your satisfaction so they are really the present.

resenting you because he couldn't drink for 13 years? what did you do tie him down to a chair so he could lift a glass to his lips? I doubt that. If he didn't drink for 13 years because of you, it is because he decided not to, maybe because he didn't want to deal with the consequences but either way it is his decision not anything you did.

I think the only way you will get any spark or even a decent relationship is for both of your to sit down and spell out what you each want and what you are willing to do or give to get it. Then both of you own the decision you make together.

 

[Married_Lady]

I think you are probably right. We need to sit down and talk about exactly what we want, honestly. I think we are both afraid to do that because we know that we can't give each other what we really want. I can't be in a relationship him where I am even further down the food chain than I already am. I can't go any lower. To add more women above me, no. Can't go there. And for him, to give me more of himself than he does, probably won't happen. He told me one night that he isn't able to be who he is with me. He has been more forthcoming today with his recent activities which was a big step for him. He has been so busy hiding things from me that it was huge for him to share his downloaded porn movie and checking into Lit gettogethers with me. I was glad he finally realized he could share that with me and the world wouldn't explode.

You are right about me needing to find more interests. I need to do more on my own and quit waiting for him to decide to do something with me. I have done some of that but I guess it just hasn't been enough.

 

[Married_Lady]

I have to tell you, I did, way early in the marriage, try the group sex thing with him. We played strip poker, he took my best friend in the bath room to have sex with her and left me with her husband. It didn't turn out to be "group" after all, it was him with her alone and me with her husband alone. Not a good scene at all. Not to mention, history on the friendship. We were all trying out a fantasy and found that the reality for three of us wasn't so great. I have tried to overcome my feelings about that and be more open but in the end I always come back to the same place, it needs to be fantasy, can't be reality for me.

ML

 

[Noor]

I have to tell you, I did, way early in the marriage, try the group sex thing with him. We played strip poker, he took my best friend in the bath room to have sex with her and left me with her husband. It didn't turn out to be "group" after all, it was him with her alone and me with her husband alone. Not a good scene at all. Not to mention, history on the friendship. We were all trying out a fantasy and found that the reality for three of us wasn't so great. I have tried to overcome my feelings about that and be more open but in the end I always come back to the same place, it needs to be fantasy, can't be reality for me.

ML

sounds like it was an individual choice nothing group about it. I have been in a few 3 somes with friends, we were all together, what you guys did sounds more like wife swapping which I can't really get into. It seems too cold and impersonal for me.

 

[Noor]

I think you are probably right. We need to sit down and talk about exactly what we want, honestly. I think we are both afraid to do that because we know that we can't give each other what we really want. I can't be in a relationship him where I am even further down the food chain than I already am. I can't go any lower. To add more women above me, no. Can't go there. And for him, to give me more of himself than he does, probably won't happen. He told me one night that he isn't able to be who he is with me. He has been more forthcoming today with his recent activities which was a big step for him. He has been so busy hiding things from me that it was huge for him to share his downloaded porn movie and checking into Lit gettogethers with me. I was glad he finally realized he could share that with me and the world wouldn't explode.

You are right about me needing to find more interests. I need to do more on my own and quit waiting for him to decide to do something with me. I have done some of that but I guess it just hasn't been enough.

I have one question for both of you, why are you in the relationship, why are you there?

 

[Celtia]

I Noor is offering the best advice.

All I can say is "best of luck".

My ex was pretty similar...preferred porn to me, had a spending problem (bought "stuff" rather than paying bills), couldn't hold a job, etc. etc. etc. We COULDN'T work it out--he always said it was ME. Well, now I know it wasn't. I was petrified to leave, I thought I'd be alone forever.

But I'm not, I'm happy, I'm in school, have a very very very active social life, and a fabulous boyfriend.

I hope you do what is best for YOU--YOURSELF.

 

[love2kiss]

Married Guy

Why did you start this thread?

You have not come back for quite some time.

Married Lady seems to be in a lot of pain and I do feel for her.

But seems to me that you are using this site to give her an outlet to vent her frustrations. Which is a GREAT thing! I think Lit is a wonderful place to get some support and knowledge on any topic.

But at the same time it seems that this gives you a "break" from having Married Lady trying to deal with YOU directly.
Was this your intentions? To not have to deal with your wife?
I sure hope not.

Noor gave wonderful advice. As did Cetlia.

I think you both should STOP finding excuses as to why you can't be alone for an evening and START

 

[love2kiss]

Sorry, hit wrong key. To continue.

I think you both should STOP finding excuses as to why you can't be alone for an evening and START finding ways to make it happen.
Married Guy: You MUST decide what is more important to you.
Once you've decided you will make any adjustments, compromises to keep what is important in your life.

Married Lady:

You have to accept what he decides is MOST important in his life.
You or his lifestyle.
You also have to decide. If he chooses the lifestyle, are YOU better off staying with him or without him?

I know you also have children. These children even though teenagers, will notice and model your behaviors.

So the way you treat each other as a couple will have an impact on them as they become adults.

I just would hate to see another young man growing up thiniking that it's okay to treat the one that you're suppose to love the most, so casually.

It also gives children a wonderful feeling of security knowing and seeing their parents being affectionate and loving towards each other.
Arguements are part of marriage or any relationship. How we deal with them is the key.

My husband and I also did the counseling routine.
He went. But he felt kind of beaten up by the therapist (a woman) and me. He felt that we "ganged" up on him.
He is willing to go again when the subject comes up, but he would like a different counseler. I'm okay with this.

So maybe, trying a differnt counseler might help.
Keep trying till you find one that you both are comfortable with.
Have joint and separate sessions.

Again, first you two, have to decide if you want to save the relationship.

This is a question I always ask myself. From then I can decide what I can do to keep it going. Again, Married Guy has to decide too what he wants to do. And take it from there.

I do wish you both the best of wishes.
23 years is a long time to invest in someone, but you also want the next 23 to be better.

Show your children that it's important to "fight" and make adjustments to our own personal needs to keep what is most important in our lives, healthy and thriving. A family bond.

I don't mean to sound so judgemental, but for the most important decisions, frank words must be spoken.