Report child abuse?

[M's girl]

I guess it falls into the "easy for you to say" category since I was raised by two loving wonderful parents and my wife and I are raising our adorable daughter the same way... but honestly if the kids are doing ok for the most part with just slackard stupid parents, what will getting them pulled out of the family and possibly seperated from each other accomplish? Most of my friends growing up had what I'd consider to be mildly retarded and incredibly poor parental figures. They all turned out ok

Thanks for your advise. I came from a loving family too. M and I try to raise his kids the same way and even though I'm not best friends with his ex ( ) I can tell you she also has high standards for raising them.

Are those children nextdoor doing OK for the most part? I don't know. It's not like they are sad all the time. They also don't cry ALL THE TIME. If that were the case I imagine someone else would have said something before we even moved here, no?

Well.... no, I guess. Because it's hard to do. For me too. On the one hand I think "what am I getting myself into" but also "Is it my business anyway?"... Is it? It wakes me up every morning and I feel instantly 'rushed'... almost as if someone is yelling at me. Should I try to ignore that? How? Because the walls are too thin for that (and the yelling is too loud).

Believe me, I have thought of every scenario possible allready on how to go about it. They also make a hell of a lot MORE noise screaming to their animals and to each other. (They are also the first ones to ring the doorbel when you drill two holes in your wall on a Saturday afternoon )

How do you tell people like that what is right and what is wrong? I need some serious professional advise and I have sought that, plus BT will guide me too, or so she offered.

I'm convinced though that something MUST be done. I'm glad to hear most children grow up fine, but I imagine there will be scars they don't show that will not go away...

 

[M's girl]

First, personally don't think it is a good idea to confront a person on the way they are parenting their children. I, personally, would tell you where to get off, what makes you think you or your "parenting style" are any better than I am. People get defensive very quickly when it comes to their children.

Thanks for your advise. I know people get defensive, even if they are so wrong. I call that unreasonable.... I expect that from them as well. And more, because I'm convinced they don't even notice what they are doing to their children anymore. They make remarks to me sometimes concerning how M and I raise M's two boys and I almost fall off my chair. Now you could argue that we are doing something wrong too, but I know that's not the case. You don't have to believe me of course...

This makes me wonder if anything I will have to say will make any impression. They seem to have such different standards for almost everything.... how can we ever speak on the same level? Still, I feel the need to try, because it's soooo in my face... you (I) almost cannot ignore it!

 

[fantasylover]

neglected children

...........

 

[M's girl]

Thanks fantasylover, I made the phonecall (not even anonymous) and there is a plan now, actually. I will keep you (all) updated.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Thanks fantasylover, I made the phonecall (not even anonymous) and there is a plan now, actually. I will keep you (all) updated.

I can see through the thread how all of this has affected you personally, how you wake each day so upset and pity these kids from the heart - their parents too. If continuing not to say anything would have left you this down about it all I think that you have absolutely done the right thing. You have stated repeatedly that you do not think the kids are physically abused in any way and this makes it unlikely that they would be taken away or anything drastic would happen.

Of course there'll be fallout once this couple realise you have reported them but all you can do is keep expressing concern and offering support - which the child protection sevices in NL will also do. Even if things don't manifestly improve (and they may not) you will at least be able to say to yourself that you didn't stand by and just watch this family deteriorate.

Bravery always comes from fear, in this case the fear of making things worse. Whatever happens M's girl, your motivation was noble and your decision IMHO was the right one.

Proud of you

 

[M's girl]

Proud of you

Thank you

I made the phone call. Did NOT report them yet, but they know who I am. The deal is (and the best way to go about it at this point) that I talk to them first. I will NOT say I made the phone call but if things get worse I will tell them I will make a report. My hope is that they will listen after the initial anger (I assume there is going to be). I know what help can be offered to them and I hope they will take it. If so, there should not ever need to follow a report if all goes well.

Now I have to find the right moment. All your support helps, thank you!

 

[TheCurious]

Thanks for your advise. I came from a loving family too. M and I try to raise his kids the same way and even though I'm not best friends with his ex ( ) I can tell you she also has high standards for raising them.

Are those children nextdoor doing OK for the most part? I don't know. It's not like they are sad all the time. They also don't cry ALL THE TIME. If that were the case I imagine someone else would have said something before we even moved here, no?

You're welcome

I don't want my advice to be mistaken as ignoring the problem.... but like I said, make sure you know what the kids are getting into once you unleash the government on their household.

If they are truely being abused, by all means intervene and do your best.

I honestly think that being a teacher has set my abuse radar "tolerance" a little on the high side. I see such a massive spectrum of how parents treat their children, I see patterns between socioeconomic status, race, and gender emerge, and just when I think I've seen it all I see something even weirder. What I would have called child abuse ten years ago... in the great spectrum of things I'd probably just call very very poor parenting now. When you've had a student fall asleep during her final exam because she spent the night sleeping on the floor of her garage (when it was 13 degrees out) because her parents were drunk and fighting again and she was scared to go inside... it makes the gruff-yell-at-the-kid variety of child abuse seem pink and fluffy.

 

[BosozokuX]

the english have a word for people like this. i belive it is "yob"?

 

[M's girl]

the english have a word for people like this. i belive it is "yob"?

Hey, Curious.... what do you teach?
English too?

BosozokuX.... you know, if parents would do their job right, teachers would have had no need to expand their skills in that direction. Teaching has to be that first: teaching. But with the bad parenting skills all around, a teacher is far more than just a teacher most of the time. At least, the good ones are. And we are lucky to have a few of them on this board...

 

[Black Tulip]

You're welcome

I don't want my advice to be mistaken as ignoring the problem.... but like I said, make sure you know what the kids are getting into once you unleash the government on their household.

If they are truely being abused, by all means intervene and do your best.

I honestly think that being a teacher has set my abuse radar "tolerance" a little on the high side. I see such a massive spectrum of how parents treat their children, I see patterns between socioeconomic status, race, and gender emerge, and just when I think I've seen it all I see something even weirder. What I would have called child abuse ten years ago... in the great spectrum of things I'd probably just call very very poor parenting now. When you've had a student fall asleep during her final exam because she spent the night sleeping on the floor of her garage (when it was 13 degrees out) because her parents were drunk and fighting again and she was scared to go inside... it makes the gruff-yell-at-the-kid variety of child abuse seem pink and fluffy.

I can understand where you're coming from. I'm a teacher too, close to 25 years now. But I have to disagree with you about calling yelling a pink and fluffy variety of child abuse.

Extensive studies, some of them done in the United States, showed that all forms of child abuse can lead to severe damage. Most shocking to me was learning that witnessing violence (verbal or otherwise) in the home is just as devastating as being the victim.

And demeaning a child, undermining it's feelings of worthiness and self-esteem are more than just gruff yelling.

 

[mrs.jeepman6]

I don't know what the laws are in your country but in the state I live in all reports are taken and the abusers are not allowed to know who made the report but it is investigated and maybe if the laws are the same where you are maybe at least that may help get the point across to these people and help to straighte them out.