Rip me to shreds!

[StillStunned]

Phew, all caught up!

 

[Bamagan]

Phew, all caught up!

Might be time for a drink, then.

 

[StillStunned]

Might be time for a drink, then.

Nice bottle opener!

 

[Bamagan]

Nice bottle opener!

You should see her use her can opener. Soup's on!

 

[StillStunned]

You should see her use her can opener. Soup's on!

Let's hope she doesn't have anything for opening jars.

 

[StillStunned]

You made, in my opinion, one unforgivable mistake.

It’s “She’s so dull, rip her to shreds.”

Not ‘dumb’.

[walks away shaking head]

Duly corrected, with proper shame and embarrassment.

 

[Erozetta]

Apart from this being confusing, from a lack of context, my main gripe (perhaps my only gripe) is the inconsistent use of contractions.

Contractions are my nemesis. I never know when to use them and when to avoid them. I try not to avoid them in dialogue unless the character is pissed off and intentionally speaking every word to drag out their side of the conversation.

And yeah, it was hard to find a snippet in that story that allowed for enough context to give a rough idea of the scene.

But, then again, it isn't any less confusing in full form 'cause it happened to me and I'm still confused about what actually happened.

All I know is a 27-year friendship is over and it really fucking sucks, so I'm turning it into porn to feel better.

 

[Portly_Penguin]

The editor in me is itching to take a red pen to a few of your sentences. For instance:

For the rest, there's a bit of head-hopping going on when they reach the lake. The narrator can only infer that Jason wants to feel the sun on his face and feels "relief to be outside" - if that relief is supposed to be the narrator's, it needs to be described closer to his own action of breathing in the crisp air.

In fact, you should break up your paragraphs more to separate speech and action. In the "Like what you see, Aiden?" bit, you go from Jason's speech to Jason's actions to Aiden's thoughts to Jason's speech and Jason's actions.

Overall, Jason's words and actions seem incongruous with his attitude. If he isn't interested in Aiden sexually, he's at least flaunting himself in a way that borders on overt flirtation. I'd expect Aiden to reflect on this - either being resigned to is as Jason's habitual teasing (his actions, not his words) or else wondering if there's something more going on.

Commas are seriously the bane of my life and I hate them I either over-use them or under use them. There is no in between. Ever xD

Thanks for the feedback!

 

[Silver_Arrow]

There's been a lot of comments about conciseness and over use of descriptive language, (mildlyaroused said it quite well), and I find it hard to tone down my own writing. I just finished chapter 10 and i gave it a quick look after my basic editing pass. I certainly am guilty of using a ton of descriptions and I gave it a try to water it down slightly as to not overwhelm people with extraneous descriptors and balance it with the concrete stuff. When I do that I feel like it changes the core of how I write.

 

[StillStunned]

All I know is a 27-year friendship is over and it really fucking sucks, so I'm turning it into porn to feel better.

Sorry to hear it. But on the bright side, you might have hit on something to render therapy superfluous.

 

[StillStunned]

Does anyone else want to open themselves up for some shredding? So far it seems to be going well, and all very civilised too.

 

[Erozetta]

Sorry to hear it. But on the bright side, you might have hit on something to render therapy superfluous.

Femdom, humiliation and cucking feature heavily (and I'm not into any of those things.)

I feel pretty awesome about the story, contraction inconsistency and excessive grunting aside. (And whatever other fuck ups are abundant in the 15k words that come before and after my snippet.)

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Does anyone else want to open themselves up for some shredding? So far it seems to be going well, and all very civilised too.

I would but it would require reading about 230k words or so.
I write chaptered series, so only by reading the whole series (which is still far from over btw ) one could maybe form a proper opinion. I was gonna write my first standalone story - a murder mystery with some taboo sex (but no incest) and I practically outlined everything and wrote about 500 words before stopping completely. It's not that I don't know where to go from there - as I said, everything is outlined already, it's just that I feel no inspiration to write. Some of you people truly amaze me with your relentless drive to write.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

All right, I have no idea why I suddenly thought this thread was about posting whole stories rather than excerpts

Here is one, then, although the context is sorely missing :



The scent of fresh flowers pervaded the room, as it combined with a more exotic fragrance of various chemicals and tinctures. Two delicate but deft hands worked with those same chemicals, mixing them in ways that very few people understood, even among mages.
With a sigh of satisfaction, Fiona lifted the strangely shaped bottle and brought it to her face. She eyed the blue fluid for a moment and then took a whiff, her face stretching into a smile of victory.

“Perfect!” she said, setting the bottle back on the table. It was a fine day’s work. She removed her white apron, revealing her customary elegant clothing. Setting the apron on the hanger, she walked to the open window and took a big breath of the pleasant afternoon air. The nature around Countess Silvana’s estate was truly beautiful and Fiona was about to go for her afternoon walk. But the sound of knocking at her room door brought her out of her reverie.

“Enter!”

A pretty, young maid entered the room, curtsying to Fiona.

“Mistress asks if you could join her in the salon.”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” Fiona replied, sighing dramatically when the maid left. So much for her afternoon walk.

A couple of minutes later, Fiona entered the salon and saw the Countess fiddle with some papers.

“Silvana.”

“Fiona, my dear!” Countess Silvana replied, embracing Fiona and kissing her cheek. “I missed you at lunch. You are constantly busy with your potions.”

“I am sorry,” Fiona replied with an apologetic smile. “When I get immersed into my work, I lose all track of time…”

“Sit, please,” the Countess said, motioning to the table. “So… this has just arrived for you,” she said with a knowing look. Fiona took the letter from her hands and turned it over.

“This is the seal of the king!”

“Indeed. I thought you should read it as soon as possible.”

Fiona squeezed Countess’ hand gratefully and then broke the seal. She had become quite close with the Countess and she didn’t want to keep the content of the letter from her, even if it was from the king himself. Countess Silvana smiled at her affectionately, recognizing the gesture.

As she was reading the letter, Fiona was becoming increasingly baffled. She had expected an official summons of a sort, but it turned out to be something quite different. The king was kindly asking her to come to the royal court at her soonest convenience, over a private matter.

“This is strange…” Fiona said after reading the letter once again. “The king isn’t requesting my presence; he is kindly asking me to come to the court…”

“Well, even if he is just asking nicely, one does not ignore an invitation from the king,” Countess Silvana said after a moment.

“Indeed… and I will of course heed his call…”

“Do you want a horse or a carriage prepared for tomorrow morning? I assume you will be departing to Highfort as soon as possible.”

“A carriage, I think… I don’t know what this is about, so I better take all of my luggage with me.”

“Anything you need, my dear.”

Fiona nodded gratefully. The Countess had been good to her. Ever since Fiona had gifted her that potion of desire years ago, their relationship had soared to new heights. She chuckled inwardly, thinking of the ‘special ingredient’ that potion had required.

“Oh, where are you now, Apprentice…” Fiona thought with a pang of loss, her look growing distant.

“I suppose you want to start packing, then. I am still expecting you at dinner,” The Countess said, breaking the sudden silence.

“Of course,” Fiona said, turning to her friend and forcing a smile.

 

[ElectricBlue]

But, then again, it isn't any less confusing in full form 'cause it happened to me and I'm still confused about what actually happened.

That contraction was perfectly fine.

All I know is a 27-year friendship is over and it really fucking sucks, so I'm turning it into porn to feel better.

That really does suck. Commiserations, and here's to a 27 year angst filled story. I hope it works.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

The scent of fresh flowers pervaded the room, as it combined with a more exotic fragrance of various chemicals and tinctures. Two delicate but deft hands worked with those same chemicals, mixing them in ways that very few people understood, even among mages.
With a sigh of satisfaction, Fiona lifted the strangely shaped bottle and brought it to her face. She eyed the blue fluid for a moment and then took a whiff, her face stretching into a smile of victory.

First, there's a single carriage return in there. Is this supposed to be one paragraph or two? More importantly, the word face appears in back to back sentences. That's an odd stumble for the reader to come across.

“Perfect!” she said, setting the bottle back on the table. It was a fine day’s work. She removed her white apron, revealing her customary elegant clothing. Setting the apron on the hanger, she walked to the open window and took a big breath of the pleasant afternoon air. The nature around Countess Silvana’s estate was truly beautiful and Fiona was about to go for her afternoon walk. But the sound of knocking at her room door brought her out of her reverie.

I know it's an excerpt so perhaps with context her customary clothing has already been established but as it is here, this is a moment that begs to be shown and not told. Also, the nature around the estate being truly beautiful is another show moment, but even without context it's not working as if the beautiful nature was already established then the mentioning of it here is redundant. I would either describe (show) it or leave it right out.

Fiona squeezed Countess’ hand gratefully and then broke the seal. She had become quite close with the Countess and she didn’t want to keep the content of the letter from her, even if it was from the king himself. Countess Silvana smiled at her affectionately, recognizing the gesture.

It sounds as if you are missing a 'the' before the first Countess. This is a bit awkward as the Countess is mentioned three times in this short paragraph. First, it's rather repetitive (not flowing as well as it could/should) but moreso, by the dialogue it sounds like these two characters are close enough for first names and with the perspective being limited third (Fiona) that the use of Silvana's first name would reflect the warmth of their relationship better. Sure, it's not dialogue but even as narrative 'Countess, Countess, Countess' just feels cold and extra formal.

As she was reading the letter, Fiona was becoming increasingly baffled. She had expected an official summons of a sort, but it turned out to be something quite different. The king was kindly asking her to come to the royal court at her soonest convenience, over a private matter.

That first sentence is just grating af (sorry). The tense is weird. Something like this would be much smoother, "As she read the letter, Fiona became increasingly baffled." Then the last two sentences give me a double-take. Perhaps I'm not up to speed on Victorian Magical Fantasy Royal Court Proceedings but "summons of a sort" and "come to the royal court at her soonest convenience" don't sound "quite different" at all to me.

“This is strange…” Fiona said after reading the letter once again. “The king isn’t requesting my presence; he is kindly asking me to come to the court…”

“Well, even if he is just asking nicely, one does not ignore an invitation from the king,” Countess Silvana said after a moment.

“Indeed… and I will of course heed his call…”

“Do you want a horse or a carriage prepared for tomorrow morning? I assume you will be departing to Highfort as soon as possible.”

“A carriage, I think… I don’t know what this is about, so I better take all of my luggage with me.”

“Anything you need, my dear.”

First, her dialogue just repeats the exposition of the letter's contents immediately above it. It's redundant.

Too many ellipses. Like get rid of all of them. It's just amateur. Also, you wrote this:

Fiona squeezed Countess’ hand gratefully and then broke the seal. She had become quite close with the Countess and she didn’t want to keep the content of the letter from her, even if it was from the king himself. Countess Silvana smiled at her affectionately, recognizing the gesture.

Which makes me think that she's about to read it aloud, yet she doesn't, which then I'm wondering if Silvana is looking over her shoulder. Perhaps clarify that. It would be less awkward and more immersive to read, an opportunity to draw the reader closer in.

Fiona nodded gratefully. The Countess had been good to her. Ever since Fiona had gifted her that potion of desire years ago, their relationship had soared to new heights. She chuckled inwardly, thinking of the ‘special ingredient’ that potion had required.

“Oh, where are you now, Apprentice…” Fiona thought with a pang of loss, her look growing distant.

“I suppose you want to start packing, then. I am still expecting you at dinner,” The Countess said, breaking the sudden silence.

“Of course,” Fiona said, turning to her friend and forcing a smile.

"The Countess had been good to her. Ever since Fiona had gifted her that potion of desire years ago, their relationship had soared to new heights," is exposition, and that may be okay to do at this point in the story (hard to say without context for the excerpt) but as exposition it's very very vague and sticks out like a weak sore thumb. This is very flat (boring) exposition. Probably just be less vague. "Good to her" in what way? What "new heights"? How many "years ago," perhaps during a certain season or certain festive time. This is an important bond between the characters. Make it feel more personal, more real. It will help connect the reader to the character too.

What sudden silence was broken? The silence is so sudden that it's a surprise to the reader. They've just been having a conversation. Also, why would Fiona have to force her smile for a dear friend? I might assume that the King's letter has her nervous and the forced smile is a brave face? That could work but the reader can't assume that. It's an opportunity here for some introspect and emotion. Perhaps write what she is feeling in her reaction to the letter. It would connect us better to the character and make the narrative easier to follow.

 

[alohadave]

The scent of fresh flowers pervaded the room, as it combined with a more exotic fragrance of various chemicals and tinctures. Two delicate but deft deftly delicate hands worked with those same the chemicals, mixing them in ways that very few people understood, even among mages understood.
With a sigh of satisfaction, Fiona lifted the strangely shaped bottle and brought it to her face. She eyed the blue fluid for a moment and then took a whiff, her face stretching into a smile of victory.

“Perfect!” she said, setting the bottle back on the table. It was a fine day’s work. She removed her white apron to a hanger, revealing her customary elegant clothing. Setting the apron on the hanger, she walked to the open window and took a big breath of the pleasant afternoon air. Pleasant afternoon air wafted through the open window. The nature aroundCountess Silvana’s estate was truly beautiful and Fiona was about to go for her afternoon walk. But the sound of knocking at her room door brought her out of her reverie.

“Enter!”

A pretty, young maid entered the room, curtsying to Fiona.

“Mistress asks if you could join her in the salon.”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” Fiona replied, sighing dramatically when the maid left. So much for her afternoon walk.

A couple of minutes later, Fiona entered the salon where and saw the Countess was holding fiddle with some papers.

“Silvana.”

“Fiona, my dear!” the Countess Silvana replied, embracing Fiona and kissing her cheek. “I missed you at lunch. You are constantly busy with your potions.”

“I am sorry,” Fiona replied with an apologetic smile. “When I get immersed into my work, I lose all track of time…”

“Sit, please,” the Countess said, motioning to the table. “So… this has just arrived for you,” she said with a knowing look. Fiona took the letter from her hands and turned it over.

“The King's seal! This is the seal of the king!”

“Indeed. I thought You should read it as soon as possible.”

Fiona squeezed the Countess’ hand gratefully and then broke the seal. She had become quite close with the Countess and she didn’t want to keep the content of the letter from her, even if it was from the king himself. Countess Silvana smiled at her affectionately, recognizing the gesture.

As Fiona read she was reading the letter, Fiona was becoming she became increasingly baffled. She had expected an official summons of a sort, but it turned out to be something quite different. The king was kindly asking her to come to the royal court at her soonest convenience, over a private matter.

“This is strange…” Fiona said after reading the letter once again. “The king isn’t requesting my presence; he is kindly asking (duplicated phrase) me to come to the court over a private matter…” (The King 'kindly asking' her to come to the court is him requesting her presence)

“Well, even if he is just asking nicely, "One does not ignore an invitation from the king, even if he is just asking nicely,” Countess Silvana said after a moment.

“Indeed… and I will of course heed his call…”

“Do you want a horse or a carriage prepared for tomorrow morning? I assume you will be departing to Highfort as soon as possible.”

“A carriage, I think… I don’t know what this is about, so I better take all of my luggage with me.” (Kind of a weird thing to presume that she'll need all of her luggage when being summoned by the King)

“Anything you need, my dear.”

Fiona nodded gratefully. The Countess had been good to her. Ever since Fiona had gifted her that potion of desire years ago, their relationship had soared to new heights. She chuckled inwardly, thinking of the ‘special ingredient’ that potion had required.

“Oh, where are you now, Apprentice…” Fiona thought with a pang of loss, her look growing distant.

“Go I suppose you want to start packing pack your things, then. I am still expecting you at dinner,” The Countess said, breaking the sudden silence.

“Of course,” Fiona said, turning to her friend and forcing with a forced smile.

Some thoughts.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

First, there's a single carriage return in there. Is this supposed to be one paragraph or two? More importantly, the word face appears in back to back sentences. That's an odd stumble for the reader to come across.



I know it's an excerpt so perhaps with context her customary clothing has already been established but as it is here, this is a moment that begs to be shown and not told. Also, the nature around the estate being truly beautiful is another show moment, but even without context it's not working as if the beautiful nature was already established then the mentioning of it here is redundant. I would either describe (show) it or leave it right out.



It sounds as if you are missing a 'the' before the first Countess. This is a bit awkward as the Countess is mentioned three times in this short paragraph. First, it's rather repetitive (not flowing as well as it could/should) but moreso, by the dialogue it sounds like these two characters are close enough for first names and with the perspective being limited third (Fiona) that the use of Silvana's first name would reflect the warmth of their relationship better. Sure, it's not dialogue but even as narrative 'Countess, Countess, Countess' just feels cold and extra formal.



That first sentence is just grating af (sorry). The tense is weird. Something like this would be much smoother, "As she read the letter, Fiona became increasingly baffled." Then the last two sentences give me a double-take. Perhaps I'm not up to speed on Victorian Magical Fantasy Royal Court Proceedings but "summons of a sort" and "come to the royal court at her soonest convenience" don't sound "quite different" at all to me.



First, her dialogue just repeats the exposition of the letter's contents immediately above it. It's redundant.

Too many ellipses. Like get rid of all of them. It's just amateur. Also, you wrote this:



Which makes me think that she's about to read it aloud, yet she doesn't, which then I'm wondering if Silvana is looking over her shoulder. Perhaps clarify that. It would be less awkward and more immersive to read, an opportunity to draw the reader closer in.



"The Countess had been good to her. Ever since Fiona had gifted her that potion of desire years ago, their relationship had soared to new heights," is exposition, and that may be okay to do at this point in the story (hard to say without context for the excerpt) but as exposition it's very very vague and sticks out like a weak sore thumb. This is very flat (boring) exposition. Probably just be less vague. "Good to her" in what way? What "new heights"? How many "years ago," perhaps during a certain season or certain festive time. This is an important bond between the characters. Make it feel more personal, more real. It will help connect the reader to the character too.

What sudden silence was broken? The silence is so sudden that it's a surprise to the reader. They've just been having a conversation. Also, why would Fiona have to force her smile for a dear friend? I might assume that the King's letter has her nervous and the forced smile is a brave face? That could work but the reader can't assume that. It's an opportunity here for some introspect and emotion. Perhaps write what she is feeling in her reaction to the letter. It would connect us better to the character and make the narrative easier to follow.

I already said that the context will be missing. The excerpt I pasted is from https://www.literotica.com/s/the-young-mage-ch-05-interlude which is preceded by 8 chapters - about 200k words. It is established that Fiona likes to wear elegant clothing.
The relationship between Fiona and the Countess (I agree about the one missing 'the' - thanks) is covered in https://www.literotica.com/s/the-apprentice-ch-01-2 You can take my word for all this, or read it all yourself, I guess. I know it's not an ideal situation.

I see the repetitiveness of Countess. I guess I could have switched it out with something else. Thanks
I am not sure about the grating thing. I am not a native English speaker and the sentence doesn't sound like that to me, but you could be right I guess. There are certain aspects of writing in English where I will always be deficient.

About the king's summons, I am not sure why that sounds strange to you? When the King - who is also her king, doesn't write "I request your presence at my court" but rather says "I kindly ask you to visit at your soonest convenience..." it implies it's not an order but a plea even. And it's later shown why.

You mention ellipses - I assume you mean quotation marks for dialogue? I don't know why you think that is amateur. I've seen them used plenty in mainstream literature. Either way, I am not getting rid of those. They serve their purpose.

You ask why Fiona has to force a smile. Even though there is so much context missing, I thought it was obvious from the tone --> “Oh, where are you now, Apprentice…” Fiona thought with a pang of loss, her look growing distant.

Fiona feels sadness and loss because the potion reminds her of her former Apprentice (the capital A is deliberate) Magnus, whom she is in love with and who has left the apprenticeship and went his own way about a year ago (five chapters ago). Her look grows distant and it implies Fiona is lost in her thoughts and disconnected for several moments. That's why the sudden silence. The letter is completely immaterial to her emotions.

Thanks for giving your opinion and I know it sucks to link an excerpt from such an advanced chapter in the story. Linking something from the first chapter of that story - The Apprentice Ch. 01 - would have definitely been easier in terms of context, but then again, I was a worse writer when I wrote that first chapter so it made sense to link something more recent.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Some thoughts.

See some answers to PSG, especially about the king summons tone. But both you and PSG have a point on the duplicate sentence I am now not sure how I even missed

Fiona doesn't "live" anywhere. She is always going from one place to another. That's why she wants to take her luggage with her because she senses that she might not return to Silvana's estate after the talk with the king.

I am appreciative of you taking the time to cross and reword my sentences, but I must say I don't like most of your suggestions on how to reword them. They seem more bland to me - no offense, and some change the intended meaning, if only slightly. It's a matter of style really, and I prefer mine. I assume you prefer yours also.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

The relationship between Fiona and the Countess (I agree about the one missing 'the' - thanks) is covered in https://www.literotica.com/s/the-apprentice-ch-01-2 You can take my word for all this, or read it all yourself, I guess. I know it's not an ideal situation.

Regardless of context, this paragraph leaves me wondering if their relationship is rigid and formal, or friendly and informal. No context can fix how that is written. It seems like the relationship is or should be warm (and they are alone at the moment with no need for formalities) yet the narrative is cold and formal. It doesn't fit. That is the point that I am making.

About the king's summons, I am not sure why that sounds strange to you? When the King - who is also her king, doesn't write "I request your presence at my court" but rather says "I kindly ask you to visit at your soonest convenience..." it implies it's not an order but a plea even. And it's later shown why.

Later doesn't matter. This is just odd to me. The two ideas are not "quite different", they are slightly different. "Quite different" would be a letter demanding her to turn herself in for arrest or something.

You mention ellipses - I assume you mean quotation marks for dialogue? I don't know why you think that is amateur. I've seen them used plenty in mainstream literature. Either way, I am not getting rid of those. They serve their purpose.

Ellipses are the dots ... they are ... how amateurs ... write dialogue. If you want a pause just use a comma, or "If you want a significant pause in a line of dialogue," she said as she dropped the teabag into the pot and then looked up at him directly, "break the quotation up with tag clause between." Personally the only time that I use ellipses are when a line of dialogue is cut off mid-sentence, like:

"Why do you always have to ..."

"Shut up!" he interrupted rudely.

or if I'm writing a character talking on the phone and the other end of the conversation can't be heard, like:

"Hello? ... That's me ... Uh-huh? ... No that's not what I told him at all, you got it wrong ... I don't care what he told you ... It's at the wharf ... No, not the pizza place at ten, the wharf at midnight ... All right, see you there."

You ask why Fiona has to force a smile. Even though there is so much context missing, I thought it was obvious from the tone --> “Oh, where are you now, Apprentice…” Fiona thought with a pang of loss, her look growing distant.

I assumed that the apprentice mentioned out of nowhere was something previously established, but even with you filling in that info, it feel obvious to me to connect a former lover to a close friend with a forced smile. Internal thoughts and feeling would still go a long way here.

 

[alohadave]

I am appreciative of you taking the time to cross and reword my sentences, but I must say I don't like most of your suggestions on how to reword them. They seem more bland to me - no offense, and some change the intended meaning, if only slightly. It's a matter of style really, and I prefer mine. I assume you prefer yours also.

It's partly style, it's partly that some of what I changed felt passive.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

As Fiona read she was reading the letter, Fiona was becoming she became increasingly baffled.

Trust us on this one. It's extra wordy and does not flow well. There are two many 'was'es. What you wrote is perfectly grammatically correct but it's just awkward sounding. There are different ways to write past tense. You have chosen the super crazy perfect past tense (or something, I forget what it's officially called, I'm sure Simon or Keith can fill us in) where a simple past tense works much better. Technically I can't say why it's wrong (because it's not) but just trust us. When we read it, it just doesn't sound pleasing. It doesn't flow. It feels like a stumble and the majority of readers are going to notice this in some way.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Trust us on this one. It's extra wordy and does not flow well. There are two many 'was'es. What you wrote is perfectly grammatically correct but it's just awkward sounding. There are different ways to write past tense. You have chosen the super crazy perfect past tense (or something, I forget what it's officially called, I'm sure Simon or Keith can fill us in) where a simple past tense works much better. Technically I can't say why it's wrong (because it's not) but just trust us. When we read it, it just doesn't sound pleasing. It doesn't flow. It feels like a stumble and the majority of readers are going to notice this in some way.

You could be right, of course. The way I understand that tense is that it conveys some action that lasted for a while in the past. That was my intention - to paint Fiona reading the letter for some time, the expression on her face slowly turning baffled. As I said, it's a non-native person thinking so I could be doing it all wrong

 

[SimonDoom]

Trust us on this one. It's extra wordy and does not flow well. There are two many 'was'es. What you wrote is perfectly grammatically correct but it's just awkward sounding. There are different ways to write past tense. You have chosen the super crazy perfect past tense (or something, I forget what it's officially called, I'm sure Simon or Keith can fill us in) where a simple past tense works much better. Technically I can't say why it's wrong (because it's not) but just trust us. When we read it, it just doesn't sound pleasing. It doesn't flow. It feels like a stumble and the majority of readers are going to notice this in some way.

You rang?

It's past continuous tense, and I agree with you. Just keep it simple and get rid of unnecessary linking verbs and "ings." "As Fiona read the letter, she became (I might change "became" to "grew" because it's a punchier verb) increasingly (I might shorten "increasingly" to "more") baffled."

Quick tense primer:

Present: Fiona reads the letter.
Present continuous: Fiona is reading the letter.
Present perfect: Fiona has read the letter.
Simple past: Fiona read the letter.
Past continuous: Fiona was reading the letter.
Past perfect: Fiona had read the letter.

AwkwardlySet's usage isn't wrong, but Keith has said this on a few occasions, and I think he's right: in fiction you can often dispense with the subtle correctness of perfect and continuous tense and just keep things in the simple past, and it will work just fine and will read better.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Here's an intro to a forum roleplay that I did on another site five or six years ago. I cringe when I read it. I could have done so much better. Slash away, folks.

It was the seventh of January and the Christmas rush was over. At nearly six o'clock the sun had already set with only a faint bluishness above the silhouettes of buildings and trees to the west. Behind her, she left the soft glow of neon from the old diner that she'd just left. The coffee was almost enough to keep the damp chill from her limbs as she crossed the large emptiness of the Puyallup Walmart parking lot. Only a smattering of vehicles remained, most bunched near the front entrance. It had been such a long afternoon. Her interview was supposed to be at three and she had skipped her last class just to make it, only to have to wait around until a quarter to four to be seen for five whole minutes. Mr Travis, the Walmart manager, said they'd call. She'd probably got the job. They hired anybody.

After six, the bus fare was cheaper, so she went to the diner for a coffee to wait, although she supposed that it would have been cheaper to pay the full fare and skip the coffee, but she didn't feel like getting home too early. It was good to have time alone once in a while, especially lately. She crossed the lot, her running shoes treading on the damp asphalt, the air too cool and too humid to dry the ground. She passed beneath a lamp and then into shadows. Her hands in the pockets kept her silvery blue quilted coat held around her without zipping it. Her hood was down, showing her dark, straight and collar length hair, parted on the left and swept. The narrow opening of her coat showed a strip of ochre v-neck sweater showing the crisp collar of a charcoal buttoned blouse, and her loose fit jeans were fairly new. Job interview clothes made her feel on the dorky side. Her black leather purse hung from her shoulder and tucked under her elbow. Overall she was slender and not too tall with a modest chest. The next lamp post on her diagonal route across the lot flickered as she passed beneath at a decent and steady pace and moved into the next shadow with her head generally down against the gentle breeze.