Rip me to shreds!

[pink_silk_glove]

Present: Fiona reads the letter.
Present continuous: Fiona is reading the letter.
Present perfect: Fiona has read the letter.
Simple past: Fiona read the letter.
Past continuous: Fiona was reading the letter.
Past perfect: Fiona had read the letter.

I knew we could count on you. Thanks.

 

[XerXesXu]

All right, I have no idea why I suddenly thought this thread was about posting whole stories rather than excerpts

Here is one, then, although the context is sorely missing :

I’m a compulsive rewriter, sensitive to wording, less so to arbitrary stylistic variations and obvious things in the nature of typos. Those later I’ll read through, scarcely noticing them.

I have no issue with your use of ellipses.

This is not my type of story, it’s obviously a period piece, and there’s mention of a ‘mage’. On first contact with either, I’d be out. My interests declared, they’re neither here nor there.

The formality between intimates living in each other’s pockets was odd. Even in hierarchies, relations between persons of different status are cordial and informal when they’re not ‘on parade’. In court, lawyers interact formally and with due deference between themselves and to the judges. In chambers, with wigs off, all is cordial and collegiate. Officers, NCOs and other ranks are absurdly formal on parade. In the field they are brothers in arms and mud and communicate in the banter of schoolboys, it being understood that whether it be expressed as a request, suggestion of observation the superior gives orders to his subordinate.

I try to use fewer words rather than more, and may have used far fewer, but wouldn’t describe that passage as over wordy; you didn’t exceed the bounds of reasonable latitude.

 

[Otto26]

Here we go:

“4th Edition was the best version of the game.”

“Then why are we playing 5th?”

“Because Kent bought the books and never admits he’s wrong.”

“That’s a really weak argument and you know it. ”

“It’s not and you know it. 4th Edition’s granularity allowed for an unparalleled playing experience. It was the pinnacle of the game’s development. Which is why Kent has homebrewed the hell out of 5e.”

“4e was a rip-off of Pathfinder!”

“Pathfinder is the rip-off!”

Isla threw open the door to her room and tromped down the hallway to the living room.

“I am going to murder both of you in your sleep if you don’t stop shouting,” she announced.

Neil and Akash stopped glaring at each other from across the dining room table and turned to look at her with expressions of extremely mild guilt.

The doorbell rang and the door opened a moment later to let Cooper step inside.

“Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Isla," he said cheerfully. "I didn’t know you were going to be here tonight."

“I wasn’t. I was going to meet my study group at the library but they canceled because Laura has Covid."

“They canceled the whole group?” Neil asked with a puzzled look on his face.

Isla sighed. “Turns out Laura was seeing David and Patrick.”

“Seeing?” Akash asked.

“Fucking,” Neil explained to Akash. “At the same time?” he asked Isla.

“Oh, so she might have exposed them,” Akash reasoned aloud.

“No. I mean, yes. But they didn’t know she was seeing both of them and when they found out...”

“So she wasn’t ‘seeing’ them at the same time,” Neil nodded sadly.

“Yes, she was, but, ew! Gross, Neil!”

The short bearded man shrugged. “A guy can dream."

“So you’ll need a new study group?” Cooper asked from the kitchen where he was pulling sodas, chips, and a fruit tray from paper bags.

“Probably. I was just going to study here but the nerds started arguing. Is the whole evening going to be this loud?”

The three men exchanged looks for a moment.

“Probably.”

“Yeah.”

“Definitely.”

Isla sighed again. “It’s just a board game, guys. Can you keep it down?”

“Nope,” Neil said dismissively.

“Probably not,” Akash confessed.

“Why don’t you play?” Cooper asked.

The other two looked back at him. With frowns on their face, Isla noticed.

“What? You don’t want me to play?”

“It’s not that,” Akash began hurriedly.

“Kent will have kittens,” Neil stated, jumping directly to the end of Akash’s explanation.

 

[StillStunned]

Here is one, then, although the context is sorely missing :

Besides what PSG and Dave have already noted, I'll highlight this sentence:

“Oh, where are you now, Apprentice…” Fiona thought with a pang of loss, her look growing distant.

With the entire section written from Fiona's POV, you can't just jump out of her head. She doesn't see her look growing distant. She might find herself staring off into the distance, she might lose track of her thoughts and surroundings, her vision might become bleary as her eyes fill with tears, but from inside her head she's very unlikely to think to herself "My look is growing distant."

 

[StillStunned]

Here's an intro to a forum roleplay that I did on another site five or six years ago. I cringe when I read it. I could have done so much better. Slash away, folks.

Several things:

You skip around with explaining where she is and why and the sequence of events. Personally, within a single paragraph I prefer a logical stream of thought, in one direction. This makes it easier for the reader to keep moving forward. Also, "she went to the diner for a coffee to wait" would have worked better as "had gone". As it is, it made me think that she was now on her way for a coffee.

Overall I think the paragraphs would benefit from more structure and less stream of consciousness. There's a bit of "this, then that" as well, in the description of her passing from light to shadow. (That said, this could be used as a tool by tying her moments of introspection to the shadows and the factual information to the light.)

Contractions! Either don't use them, or use them consistently.

The description of her appearance felt clumsy. I get that this was for roleplay, but you could perhaps have given her a reason for thinking about her appearance. "A glimpse of movement made her jump, until she realised that it was her own reflection in a mirror stacked on a delivery van. Even distorted, she recognised her slender form" etc.

More factual matters:

I'm not familiar with Puyallup, but a quick search on Accuweather tells me that "damp chill" sounds more appropriate than "cool and humid" in early January. But wouldn't she be wearing her hood up, given that the coffee was "nearly enough to keep the damp chill from her limbs"? And have the coat zipped up, instead of pulling it around her?

She spends two hours over one coffee. Not impossible, but I'd expect something along the lines of "she didn't feel like getting home too early, and so she made that one cup last."

By 7 January, the Christmas rush is probably a thing of the distant past, so long ago that even mentioning it seems odd.

Running shoes for a job interview? Again, not impossible, but given the emphasis on her "job interview clothes" I'd expect at least some comment about them.

The snippet does a fairly good job of setting the scene, but it reads like you were typing out the details as they came to you, without going back and organising them into a cohesive narrative.

 

[XerXesXu]

Besides what PSG and Dave have already noted, I'll highlight this sentence:

With the entire section written from Fiona's POV, you can't just jump out of her head. She doesn't see her look growing distant. She might find herself staring off into the distance, she might lose track of her thoughts and surroundings, her vision might become bleary as her eyes fill with tears, but from inside her head she's very unlikely to think to herself "My look is growing distant."

She eyed the blue fluid for a moment and then took a whiff, her face stretching into a smile of victory.
“Oh, where are you now, Apprentice…” Fiona thought with a pang of loss, her look growing distant.


Do you say she'd need to hop outside her head for one but not the other? I'd say for neither. 'Close' can include anything the POV sees hears or experiences. Surely, she can experience a change in her facial expression.

 

[StillStunned]

Here we go:

First up: I can see an argument for PF ripping of 3E (or 3.5E), but 4E? Doesn't PF predate 4E? And a personal quibble: you could describe both D&D and PF as "boardgames", but not as "board games".

Second: it took me a while to figure out who the POV character is. Apparently it's Isla, but that isn't clear at the start. You could add a line about "Snarling inwardly at the shouting, Isla threw open the door to the hall [not to her room, because she's leaving it] and tromped to the living room."

After the doorbell rings, who opens it? Why is it only halfway through that Neil is described as short and bearded? Why aren't any of the other characters described?

"Nodded sadly" doesn't work as a dialogue tag. You'd have to change the comma at the end of the quoted speech to a full stop.

Overall, the dialogue has too little action to create a sense of setting. It comes across as disembodied voices in a black emptiness.

 

[StillStunned]

Do you say she'd need to hop outside her head for one but not the other? I'd say for neither. 'Close' can include anything the POV sees hears or experiences. Surely, she can experience a change in her facial expression.

"Stretching into a smile" is something that you can feel from the inside. And yes, she can experience a change in her facial expression (like feeling herself smile), but "her look" is something that's observed from the outside.

(Also, I'll admit that the "stretching into a smile" didn't strike me as out of place because it was right at the start of the snippet, and it wasn't clear that the POV was close 3P. By the time of "look growing distant" we're firmly established inside Fiona's head.)

 

[XerXesXu]

"Stretching into a smile" is something that you can feel from the inside. And yes, she can experience a change in her facial expression (like feeling herself smile), but "her look" is something that's observed from the outside.

(Also, I'll admit that the "stretching into a smile" didn't strike me as out of place because it was right at the start of the snippet, and it wasn't clear that the POV was close 3P. By the time of "look growing distant" we're firmly established inside Fiona's head.)

Or experienced from the inside. Children are unaware of their facial expression; adults are aware to a greater or lesser extent. Some have a great awareness. Actors and actresses practice them. "Imagine you're a tree blowing in the wind a distant expression growing on your face." Mages sense things others don't.

 

[StillStunned]

Or experienced from the inside. Children are unaware of their facial expression; adults are aware to a greater or lesser extent. Some have a great awareness. Actors and actresses practice them. "Imagine you're a tree blowing in the wind a distant expression growing on your face." Mages sense things others don't.

Fair enough, people can deliberately put on an expression. But the whole point of "her look growing distant" is that her mind is somewhere else. If the text said "She suddenly became aware that..." it would be odd, but just about doable. As it is, the implication is that her thoughts are on her apprentice, not her appearance.

And without any context to show that mages have a way to constantly see themselves from the outside, the text should expressly show her becoming aware of the change - fighting to keep her focus, perhaps, or returning to the present and noting how the Countess is looking at her with sympathy.

As it is, the look on someone's face is almost by definition what others see.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Interesting input alltogether. Regardless of how much I agree with some of the criticism, it is interesting to hear what other people notice. When something is given a full scrutiny, some subtle things come out. It's refreshing.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

AwkwardlySet's usage isn't wrong, but Keith has said this on a few occasions, and I think he's right: in fiction you can often dispense with the subtle correctness of perfect and continuous tense and just keep things in the simple past, and it will work just fine and will read better.

Where were you when I was in high school and my English teacher demanded proper usage of tenses.

Honestly, I thought that using different tenses paints a better picture but here you are all telling me that it just reads awkward. Fucking useless school.

Also, since we are on the topic, I write mostly in Simple Past, but I always use Past Perfect for something that precedes some other action that is written in Simple Past. Is that also something that reads as awkward to you native English people? Should I use Simple Past everywhere?

For example: Jason ate the sandwich that his mother had prepared.

Question. Is this weird reading for you? Would you use it even if his mother prepared the sandwich like two minutes before he started eating, or is it only okay to use it if she prepared the sandwich in the morning and Jason eats it during the break from classes in school?

Edit: One more question. @alohadave raised the question about me using passive tense in some of my sentences and thought those should be reworded into active ones. MS Word also tends to underline the usage of passive.
I believe I've read somewhere, maybe even here, who knows, that the preference for active applies to everyday English and not so much for story/novel writing? I use it here and there because it lets me break the "monotony" of active tense, but again, I am not sure how all that reads to a native English ear?

 

[ElectricBlue]

@pink_silk_glove Here ya go:

It was the seventh of January and the Christmas rush was over.
- after nearly a fortnight, it would be. Even New Year would be done, resolutions and all. It's an odd concatenation of time.

- I do like the precision of the seventh of January. It's like a Stanley Kubrick or Christopher Nolan title card.

At nearly six o'clock
- but there goes the precision! "nearly" is like "almost" - the words make the narrative seem unsure of itself.

the sun had already set with only a faint bluishness above the silhouettes of buildings and trees to the west.
- pedantically, the sun always sets yellow or orange, but the shadows might well be blue.

Behind her, she left the soft glow of neon from the old diner that she'd just left.
- two x "left" in a short space of time.

The coffee was almost enough to keep the damp chill from her limbs as she crossed the large emptiness of the Puyallup Walmart parking lot.
- the sudden mention of coffee is incongruous. What coffee? Where did it come from? Take out? Or warm inside her from the diner? It's not clear.

- "large emptiness" is odd for me. Emptiness, yes, but "large" implies a voluminous mass, a presence, whereas you're describing the opposite, an empty space.

Only a smattering of vehicles remained, most bunched near the front entrance. It had been such a long afternoon.
- incongruous. What does the length of the afternoon have to do with the vehicles?

- "smattering" works against "bunched" - the first word implies the vehicles are all spread out, whereas "bunched" suggests they're all clustered together.

Her interview was supposed to be at three and she had skipped her last class just to make it, only to have to wait around until a quarter to four to be seen for five whole minutes. Mr Travis, the Walmart manager, said they'd call. She'd probably got the job. They hired anybody.
- new paragraph, maybe?

After six, the bus fare was cheaper, so she went to the diner for a coffee to wait, although she supposed that it would have been cheaper to pay the full fare and skip the coffee, but she didn't feel like getting home too early.
- wait, what? Flashback? She's just left the diner, now she's going to it? I'm confused with the timeline.

It was good to have time alone once in a while, especially lately. She crossed the lot, her running shoes treading on the damp asphalt, the air too cool and too humid to dry the ground.
- more incongruity. There's some introspection about to commence, but it suddenly stops, she's crossing the lot.

She passed beneath a lamp and then into shadows. Her hands in the pockets kept her silvery blue quilted coat held around her without zipping it. Her hood was down, showing her dark, straight and collar length hair, parted on the left and swept. The narrow opening of her coat showed a strip of ochre v-neck sweater showing the crisp collar of a charcoal buttoned blouse, and her loose fit jeans were fairly new. Job interview clothes made her feel on the dorky side. Her black leather purse hung from her shoulder and tucked under her elbow.

- a chunk of description, with a lot of detail. Am I meant to remember any of it? Detailed description of clothing is one of your trade-marks, PSG - nothing wrong with that, but your male audience's eyes might glaze over. Narrative flow-wise, it's as if you freeze the action for thirty seconds while you describe your characters - the film stops with a freeze frame, then starts up again.

Overall she was slender and not too tall with a modest chest. The next lamp post on her diagonal route across the lot flickered as she passed beneath at a decent and steady pace and moved into the next shadow with her head generally down against the gentle breeze.

- more incongruity: a start on a physical description (the previous chunk was about her clothes), but then it's suddenly back to the physical surrounds.

What's so important about the setting? It's as if the setting (crossing the lot) is as important as the girl. It might be, but is it?

 

[SimonDoom]

Where were you when I was in high school and my English teacher demanded proper usage of tenses.

Honestly, I thought that using different tenses paints a better picture but here you are all telling me that it just reads awkward. Fucking useless school.

Also, since we are on the topic, I write mostly in Simple Past, but I always use Past Perfect for something that precedes some other action that is written in Simple Past. Is that also something that reads as awkward to you native English people? Should I use Simple Past everywhere?

For example: Jason ate the sandwich that his mother had prepared.

Question. Is this weird reading for you? Would you use it even if his mother prepared the sandwich like two minutes before he started eating, or is it only okay to use it if she prepared the sandwich in the morning and Jason eats it during the break from classes in school?

Edit: One more question. @alohadave raised the question about me using passive tense in some of my sentences and thought those should be reworded into active ones. MS Word also tends to underline the usage of passive.
I believe I've read somewhere, maybe even here, who knows, that the preference for active applies to everyday English and not so much for story/novel writing? I use it here and there because it lets me break the "monotony" of active tense, but again, I am not sure how all that reads to a native English ear?

I think the sample in which you used past perfect is fine. I wouldn't change it. Too many "hads" can bog down the writing. That's why I'll look for ways to trim it down if I can.

There's no absolute rule against passive voice in fiction, but it's good not to overdo it. "The alligator ate Bob" is usually better than "Bob was eaten by the alligator." It's punchier, more fun prose.

 

[WhiteTailDarkTip]

Reading what you've written aloud often helps to highlight linguistic irregularities or clumsiness and problems with flow.

 

[StillStunned]

For example: Jason ate the sandwich that his mother had prepared.

Question. Is this weird reading for you? Would you use it even if his mother prepared the sandwich like two minutes before he started eating, or is it only okay to use it if she prepared the sandwich in the morning and Jason eats it during the break from classes in school?

This is perfectly fine the way it is. Anything that happened before the past-tense action goes in the pluperfect. The exception is if you have a longer sequence in the past: you can use the pluperfect for the first verb, then switch to the past tense, and (unless you're highlighting the shift back to the main action) use another pluperfect for the final verb.

"He went to town to buy a pair of shoes. He'd worn the old pair for months until they fell apart. They were comfortable and matched all his clothes, and all the ladies loved them. But then the sole had come loose." (Not the most elegant example, but you get what I mean.)

Edit: One more question. @alohadave raised the question about me using passive tense in some of my sentences and thought those should be reworded into active ones. MS Word also tends to underline the usage of passive.
I believe I've read somewhere, maybe even here, who knows, that the preference for active applies to everyday English and not so much for story/novel writing? I use it here and there because it lets me break the "monotony" of active tense, but again, I am not sure how all that reads to a native English ear?

As Simon already noted, the active voice is the default in English. I'd use it unless the focus is on the object: "Billy and Mary-Molly moved out of the Everglades after Bob was eaten by that alligator." Or: "The police are looking for witnesses after an old lady was hit by a car."

 

[SimonDoom]

As Simon already noted, the active voice is the default in English. I'd use it unless the focus is on the object: "Billy and Mary-Molly moved out of the Everglades after Bob was eaten by that alligator." Or: "The police are looking for witnesses after an old lady was hit by a car."

Those are great examples of where passive voice is Okey dokey.

 

[Devinter]

First up: I can see an argument for PF ripping of 3E (or 3.5E), but 4E? Doesn't PF predate 4E?

Pathfinder and the 4th edition of D&D came out at approximately the same time. They were definitely being developed simultaneously. Also, everyone knows that 4th edition was an abomination. Everyone I know stayed with 3.5e until the release of 5th, some even beyond.

 

[StillStunned]

Everyone I know stayed with 3.5e until the release of 5th, some even beyond.

I doubt my group is ever going to move away from 3.5. Nine or ten years ago we were still playing AD&D 2nd.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Several things

Damn right there are.

I'm not sure how I managed to hit submit on that one. There's good stuff in it, it's just told so awkwardly. There's stuff in it that I never do, that I always edit out and fix, like using 'left' twice in the same sentence. Right off the top too, like a figure skater falling on her ass the moment that she steps onto the ice. Ugh!

Her physical description was horribly clumsy, sticking out like a sore thumb amidst all the subtleties in the setting. It almost reads like a porn! Physical descriptions in roleplays are often given in the first post because you are introducing/revealing your character to your partner, but I did such a butcher job of it. I could have easily saved some of it for my second or third post as the two characters interact, or I could have just told my partner in PM and he could have described her as he saw her.

Here ya go:

Yes the first sentence could have been perfectly fine adding one single word, "the Christmas rush was long over" or maybe "the holiday rush was long over", makes perfect sense and still conveys the feeling that the parking lot (which can be full) is quite empty which was what I was going for - a public place that's not so public at the moment.

The new paragraph should have been before the "long afternoon". That phrase had nothing to do with the cars in the lot and everything to do with the job interview. The placing of the long afternoon sentence is ambiguous. That was one that I didn't notice myself.

Smattered and bunched ... at the same time even! ... ugh!

"so she went had gone to the diner for a coffee to wait" ... like I said, cringe!

Bottom line, this entire scene was rushed and it reads like it.

I do like "large emptiness" though. It conveys a big open cold lonely space. I think that it works very well.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I do like "large emptiness" though. It conveys a big open cold lonely space. I think that it works very well.

Two opposing readings though. Readers don't always read the words the way you wrote them - you didn't anticipate my take on "large emptiness", for example, where the conjunction didn't so much grate as, "Wait, no, that's not right." An emptiness is by definition empty, it doesn't need to be anything else.

A sentence evoking the cold wind around her legs, blowing over the emptiness, would have been show not tell (that old clunker critique ).

 

[StillStunned]

Two opposing readings though. Readers don't always read the words the way you wrote them - you didn't anticipate my take on "large emptiness", for example, where the conjunction didn't so much grate as, "Wait, no, that's not right." An emptiness is by definition empty, it doesn't need to be anything else.

A sentence evoking the cold wind around her legs, blowing over the emptiness, would have been show not tell (that old clunker critique ).

I think there are plenty of adjectives that can be used with "emptiness" to create more of an image in the reader's mind. Personally, I might have gone with "wide emptiness". For a carpark at sunset in January, though? "Long emptiness" could emphasise the distance the narrator has to cover, "hollow emptiness" might convey the sound of her footsteps to stress that there's no-one else around, "chill emptiness" lets the reader feel the cold. And so on.

 

[Otto26]

First up: I can see an argument for PF ripping of 3E (or 3.5E), but 4E? Doesn't PF predate 4E? And a personal quibble: you could describe both D&D and PF as "boardgames", but not as "board games".

Second: it took me a while to figure out who the POV character is. Apparently it's Isla, but that isn't clear at the start. You could add a line about "Snarling inwardly at the shouting, Isla threw open the door to the hall [not to her room, because she's leaving it] and tromped to the living room."

After the doorbell rings, who opens it? Why is it only halfway through that Neil is described as short and bearded? Why aren't any of the other characters described?

"Nodded sadly" doesn't work as a dialogue tag. You'd have to change the comma at the end of the quoted speech to a full stop.

Overall, the dialogue has too little action to create a sense of setting. It comes across as disembodied voices in a black emptiness.

The important point is that we have two characters arguing about D&D which begins to establish their characters and informs the reader what game is being played later in the story. The exact details of their unreliable opinions are kind of secondary. But Pathfinder was developed from D&D3e and D&D3.5 under the original OGL and you could argue that it had a strong influence on the design of D&D4e. Not that that's in any way important.

Yes, Isla is the POV character and I don't mind slowly building to that. The story is currently at 25K words halfway through the planned plot so there's no rush in establishing that point.

I thought it was obvious that Cooper rang the bell and opened it. I'll work on that. In my defense a few paragraphs later (not included in this excerpt) I establish that Cooper used to live there.

I'll see what I can do about the sense of setting.

Thank you!

 

[Silver_Arrow]

This is from the first page of chapter 11 of my work. Obviously there's a ton of context missing for unfaliliar people. I got bored on a train today and banged out 2,000 words. Curious how awful people think my writing is

*

The melting screams of the Assath man had begun a panic in the previously confused but docile crowd. People hurriedly moved away from the area, panic-stricken individuals pushing and shoving to get past each other.

Logan stood as an island among the chaos, brows furrowed looking at the charred pile of bones upon the pedestal. The sensation he had felt was gone now; nothing took its place as he desperately searched for any indication of other threats.

“Logan, we should go.” Lilith pulled at his arm as the crowds began to thin. The wail of an alien siren grew louder in the distance.

Emily moved next to him and cast her own eyes upon the burnt remains before turning to Logan as well. “Lilith is right, we should move.

Despite the urge to investigate, he knew they were right. They had already stayed too long. Nodding to the two women they turned and begun finding their way back to the Apollo. None of them spoke during the trip, both from internal thought and a heightened sense of watchfulness. Looking around them as they went through the masses of people still doing their best to move away from the area.

The train back to their Starport was crowded. Logan stood with Lilith pressed against him tightly as Emily stood at his back, her firm butt pressed into him as she looked out the window at the city speeding by almost too fast to observe. He looked at Lilith, her face a mix of silent worry and fear. Logan put a hand on her waist and squeezed her reassuringly which pulled her from her thoughts and seemed to calm her.

Lilith’s warm smile reassured Logan in return. ‘We’ll figure this out.’ He said to her, no one around them hearing their wordless communication.

‘I hope so. Skye was small compared to the population of this planet. If it happens here…’ Lilith visibly shuddered at the thought.

Logan was deeply worried about the implications as well. The toll Skye had taken on them wasn’t something they had really discussed but it was something plainly visible on their faces now that the threat had reemerged. Crawling street to street in the face of mangled bodies that were trying to eat you was more than anyone should have had to witness to.

 

[StillStunned]

The melting screams of the Assath man had begun a panic in the previously confused but docile crowd. People hurriedly moved away from the area, panic-stricken individuals pushing and shoving to get past each other.

"Hurriedly moved away" feels like an understatement for a panic (which you use twice here). Overall, I think you're overdoing the adjectives and adverbs. At the same time, it feels very passive: where are the screams, the terrified parents calling for their children, that kind of thing?

Logan stood as an island among the chaos, brows furrowed looking at the charred pile of bones upon the pedestal. The sensation he had felt was gone now; nothing took its place as he desperately searched for any indication of other threats.

If you're writing close 3P, it seems odd to describe his outward expression. You're missing a comma after "furrowed" too. And it seems strange, in a panicked crowd, to have to search for threats; and "searching desperately" implies that he *wants* to find them.

Despite the urge to investigate, he knew they were right. They had already stayed too long. Nodding to the two women they turned and begun finding their way back to the Apollo.

Who's nodding? Because the way it's written here, it's "they": presumably Logan, Lilith and Emily, nodding at two other women. If it's Logan nodding at Lilith and Emily, you'd have to say, "He nodded to the two women and they turned..." Also, the past tense of "begin" is "began"; "begun" is the perfect.

None of them spoke during the trip, both from internal thought and a heightened sense of watchfulness. Looking around them as they went through the masses of people still doing their best to move away from the area.

A "trip" feels very casual for what must be a fight through a stampeding crowd. "From internal thought" feels like you're cutting it too short. And if they're lost in internal thought, their "heightened sense of watchfulness" is incongruous. Are one or two of them watching, while the others are lost in thought? The second sentence is a subclause. And "doing their best to move away" again feels understated for a mass panic.

The train back to their Starport was crowded.

What's happened to the panic? This feels like the morning commute.

Lilith’s warm smile reassured Logan in return. ‘We’ll figure this out.’ He said to her, no one around them hearing their wordless communication.

How is this wordless? He literally says, "We'll figure this out."

Logan was deeply worried about the implications as well. The toll Skye had taken on them wasn’t something they had really discussed but it was something plainly visible on their faces now that the threat had reemerged.

Is Logan thinking that it's visible on his face too? Or otherwise aware of it? Because you're slipping out of close 3P. You have two "somethings" in close proximity. And you use a contraction here after having avoided them in the rest of the snippet.

Crawling street to street in the face of mangled bodies that were trying to eat you was more than anyone should have had to witness to.

Referring directly to "you" (in "trying to eat you") comes across as a shortcut. "Eat every living person" or "anyone they encountered" would be more in keeping with the tone. And this seems like an experience, rather than something that's observed (as a witness). You don't need a pluperfect in "should have had to witness to", and the final "to" is superfluous.

(As with all the feedback posted here, please take it in the spirit of the thread: constructive criticism to help writers become more aware of how readers might perceive their work.)