Rough sex and love.

[cascadiabound]

The thing is I was the one to suggest the more hardcore things like choking, slapping and spitting and maybe him getting excited about me bringing them up is what shocked me? He also said something like he wants to see me cry as I struggle with some of the things he does, or choke me and see me struggle to breathe, my head just couldn’t understand it.

He has made me cry once in real life (he just said something inconsiderate to me that just triggered me) but he instantly kept apologizing and said how it wasn’t okay for him to upset me or make me cry. I guess I’m just trying to find that thin line between real loving feelings, and rough role playing.

Maybe I should keep doing what we like, and stop what triggers me?

It is not a good idea to do things that trigger you. And you may not know what triggers you until you do it. It may be that you have mixed feelings about things (feeling turned on and aroused AND triggered) and in those cases you need to TALK to your partner so he knows what is going on in your head and take it super super slow or take the activity off the table until it does not trigger you.

I like lots of rough sex and even some humiliation language that weirdly turns me on (no way to explain it ) but I have learned to just go with it... I have stopped looking for explanations. But there are some things that I just will not tolerate.. no spitting on any part of me for instance. Or face slapping. But those are things that bother me. Everyone is different. You have to just know what does and does not work for you. And these things may change over time and that is okay too.

Aftercare is super important for both of you as others have mentioned. And it seems to me that you may want to do some talking or "debriefing" about your more intense scenes to discuss what worked and what didn't and how it felt from your different perspectives. Especially since part of what you are asking is why it is a turn on for him and what it feels like to him. Does he love you in the midst of all this? etc.

Good luck. Sex is weird. What turns us on is a unique as we are.

 

[Farawyn]

The thing is I was the one to suggest the more hardcore things like choking, slapping and spitting and maybe him getting excited about me bringing them up is what shocked me? He also said something like he wants to see me cry as I struggle with some of the things he does, or choke me and see me struggle to breathe, my head just couldn’t understand it.

He has made me cry once in real life (he just said something inconsiderate to me that just triggered me) but he instantly kept apologizing and said how it wasn’t okay for him to upset me or make me cry. I guess I’m just trying to find that thin line between real loving feelings, and rough role playing.

Maybe I should keep doing what we like, and stop what triggers me?

I think you should.
And keep talking!

Also, what triggers you today, may be a total turn on in a month. That happens in my submission. The crying, the being kind of scared, the initial resistance... As we get deeper into it, the more I submit, the rougher it is, the more free and stronger I feel. I'm living those dark, hot things that were always in the back of my mind, and after I still have the love.
Aftercare is so important. Please take as much as he gives you, and if it's not enough, ask for more. Self care, too.
I find I need downtime. To do nothing. Don't deny yourself that.

 

[MasteringMaster]

I'm not sure the gender of those who have responded, but let me give you a sure fire guy response: YES!

Imagine it like parents: Just because you got a spanking for stealing a cookie does not mean that your parents hate you. They love you and are only doing this because they want what's best for you. They are simply trying to teach you so you can be good. Same as a guy with a submissive girl. The punishment is because he knows that you like it and wants to make you feel good, as well as teach you how to be a "good girl", as it were. Think about this: Is there anything that he wouldn't do for you? if he is a good guy, then there probably isn't. Thus, you know that, dispite the punishment, he still loves you, albeit, he has a kinky way of showing it!

NOW! There can also be parents who abuse their children because they like it and don't care about their children, the same goes for Doms. Just be careful of those ones.

Tl;Dr: Yes, he can punish you and still love you.

Thanks for your time!
-MasteringMaster

 

[purplerosecrab]

I really really can’t thank you all enough for explaining things to me, I’m still really new to this and there are not enough good online sources to learn from and the porn aspect is terrifying and I don’t want to associate BDSM with just rough porn, cause it’s not the same.

I should also say that my parents hit me a lot as a child, we get along just fine now and I know they love me and I love them, but maybe that has to do with it? I’ve never shared this with him and I won’t cause I do enjoy getting roughed up and want to keep doing it without making him feel awful, but it’s good to know that he could still love me even if he’s doing these things to me. I think I just associated being hit with someone not loving me or caring about me.

He always holds me and comforts me after, and I think that’s a big deal? Maybe do it for longer?

There’s nothing inherently incompatible about rough sex and love. When my fiancé is rough with me, the intensity I feel is an expression of the love and passion we share rather than a denial of it. I think and analyze a lot, especially about sex stuff, so I’ve given a lot of thought to the different ways that love can be expressed through sex. Some don’t like it rough and it’s not a way they feel loved and there’s nothing wrong with that either. To each his own expression of love, and intensity is sometimes a potent and exciting expression for a couple.

However, if you specifically are having issues feeling loved when these activities happen, that’s absolutely something you should pay attention to. You don’t have to do anything that makes you react in a bad way, even if it’s satisfying in some ways and even if he wants to do it. You can decide to not engage in certain acts for the meantime in order to give yourself the time to think things through. Maybe in time you’ll discover that certain things feel great in every way, mentally, emotionally, and physically, and you’ll continue to do those things, while other things you’ll just not do anymore. Whatever you decide, you might want to take a break from things that give you a bad reaction.

I was especially concerned when you mentioned childhood abuse and that you might be triggered during sex because of what happened in your past. It’s absolutely ok to decide certain kinds of hitting and humiliation are just not a match for you because of what you’ve been through. It’s also ok to decide that you don’t care about the past and want to enjoy rough sex now. It’s all your choice and it’s all ok. I would advise talking to your partner about your abuse, mainly because if he is doing things that trigger you he should know about it. I get the feeling he really has no idea that you’re going through all this and he might be able to help. It’s your choice of course, but I hope you’ll find a way to enlist him as an ally in helping you through this.

These are all very complex and deep issues, and thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

 

[Reyhoney]

Thank you again you guys, the amount of knowledge and support here is pretty wonderful really! I appreciate all the replies, they’ve all been so amazing!

I would tell him about my past and I’ve shared a lot of things (we’ve been together for 6 months) but I fear what happened with his ex happen with us, I don’t want him to have trouble getting erect and keeping it, I think this would really effect me worse than this does now? Also I don’t want him thinking badly of my parents, we’ve fixed our issues and they don’t exist anymore today, but I guess they still live somewhere deep inside of me.

Should I ask him if he does love me while doing these things? I don’t think he has any idea that I’m struggling with this cause I always seem into it.. I’ve spoken out against some things like spitting at my face or putting a ball gag on my mouth. Maybe I just don’t feel like he’s the romantic type and rough sex makes it manifest more

 

[slutindianwife]

Can a man have really dominiating BDSM sex with me (which I consent to and enjoy) where he gets to spank me, belt me, cane me, slap me, choke me and even spit on me or in my mouth and call me his whore and slut and still be in love with me?

I guess I’m struggling that someone who loves me would want to slap me on the face. I know it must just be my subconscious and it’s stemming from societal norms but I can’t help feel unloved when this happens, even though I enjoy how it feels physically and he always asks me beforehand.

wow

 

[Reyhoney]

wow

Haha, intrigued!?

 

[cascadiabound]

Thank you again you guys, the amount of knowledge and support here is pretty wonderful really! I appreciate all the replies, they’ve all been so amazing!

I would tell him about my past and I’ve shared a lot of things (we’ve been together for 6 months) but I fear what happened with his ex happen with us, I don’t want him to have trouble getting erect and keeping it, I think this would really effect me worse than this does now? Also I don’t want him thinking badly of my parents, we’ve fixed our issues and they don’t exist anymore today, but I guess they still live somewhere deep inside of me.

Should I ask him if he does love me while doing these things? I don’t think he has any idea that I’m struggling with this cause I always seem into it.. I’ve spoken out against some things like spitting at my face or putting a ball gag on my mouth. Maybe I just don’t feel like he’s the romantic type and rough sex makes it manifest more

have the two of you talked about hard limits?
or maybe filled out BDSM questionnaires and compared them?

you are going to keep running through these questions and getting triggered by your past and blind-siding him with your reactions if you do not begin to confide in him with what you experienced as a child. if you love him, this is not fair to him either in my opinion.

it sounds like you love him. it sounds like you do enjoy having rough sex with him as well as sensual sex with him. You have some cognitive dissonance about the fact that you enjoy it... but I think we all do at least at first if we are tend to be introspective at all. Try telling him how much you love the things he does that you enjoy. and tell him about the things that you are not sure you can handle right now and ask that he take those off the menu at least for now.

communication is the key to all of this.

and it sounds like you need more aftercare than you are getting. Read some articles about sub drop and aftercare and have him read them too.

again. good luck.

 

[LadyMireille]

He does, and when he first revealed to me that part of him he was pretty concerned if it would change how I feel about him.

I haven’t told him and I’d rather not, I know his ex did this and told him she felt as if he’s raping her and he said I felt so horrible for so long that he couldn’t get hard with her after.

Like I said I do enjoy it, it’s just the romantic girl in me that didn’t expect this? I guess I expected to have a more sensual sex with him.

You can have both. Being in a relationship means give and take. If he likes it rough, and you enjoy it, too, then he also needs to make sure to give proper aftercare so that you feel safe and loved--because that's what YOU need.

He should also be willing and able to have romantic, sensual sex/love-making with you sometimes instead of the rough play, even if it's not what HE prefers.

It also sounds like you are struggling with society's rules of what is "normal and acceptable" behavior. Many people have grown up being taught that romantic sex is how it is supposed to be, and spanking, flogging, etc. is wrong and abusive. You have to get beyond the mindset that it is "wrong" and fully accept it as normal. If you truly accepted it (and he provided appropriate aftercare), then you shouldn't have those feelings questioning whether he loves you or not. Or maybe you're less okay with it than you are willing to admit to yourself.

 

[KimGordon67]

Thank you again you guys, the amount of knowledge and support here is pretty wonderful really! I appreciate all the replies, they’ve all been so amazing!

I would tell him about my past and I’ve shared a lot of things (we’ve been together for 6 months) but I fear what happened with his ex happen with us, I don’t want him to have trouble getting erect and keeping it, I think this would really effect me worse than this does now? Also I don’t want him thinking badly of my parents, we’ve fixed our issues and they don’t exist anymore today, but I guess they still live somewhere deep inside of me.

Should I ask him if he does love me while doing these things? I don’t think he has any idea that I’m struggling with this cause I always seem into it.. I’ve spoken out against some things like spitting at my face or putting a ball gag on my mouth. Maybe I just don’t feel like he’s the romantic type and rough sex makes it manifest more

This is a little worrisome too ... again, it suggests it would be beneficial to really talk about things. Consenting to 'rough sex' as a general concept doesn't mean consenting to every activity within that concept. Both of the things you mention there would be a hard no for me.
Again, that's why it's often a good idea to go slow. Introduce each individual activity on it's own. Then can you both talk about that specific thing more easily, discuss what you enjoy about it (if that can be articulated), whether you want to do it again, how it might be changed to be more enjoyable ...

The other thing I've realised about the whole power/control dynamic is that the 'in control' person is also putting a lot of trust in the 'controlled' person. It's easy to think it's the s side of things who need to do all the trusting, but the person who's in the d role need to trust the person in the s role to be clear about their boundaries, clear whether those boundaries have shifted, clear about what's 'too far' for them.
Again, in my experience, my guy would be mortified if he did something I didn't want/enjoy. He worries that I might stop loving him ... but at the time, we both want to see how far we can push things. But that's utterly and absolutely reliant on me being as clear as I possibly can about when we're reaching the edge. And he has to trust that I'll do that - that I won't let him push me too far because I the specific activity is something he wants.

 

[cascadiabound]

Again, in my experience, my guy would be mortified if he did something I didn't want/enjoy. He worries that I might stop loving him ... but at the time, we both want to see how far we can push things. But that's utterly and absolutely reliant on me being as clear as I possibly can about when we're reaching the edge. And he has to trust that I'll do that - that I won't let him push me too far because I the specific activity is something he wants.

This has been my experience too. My guy relies on me to tell him how I am feeling. If he didn't absolutely trust that he would not be able to do these things that push the edge of pain and societal norms and other boundaries.

I would echo Kim also... if you have mentioned to him that you do not want to be spit on or have ball gags used... then these thing need/ MUST be off the menu no matter how much he likes them. You may need to have a non-sexy time talk over coffee to get clear about this stuff. I have had long conversations with guys who really thought it would be fun to cum on my face and wanted to know why that was a hard limit for me. I was happy to have that conversation but it is still a hard limit NO. Everyone gets to say what is and is not fun for them. And as Far said... these things do change over time, you get to change your mind. Things I thought I would never try 10 years ago I want on the menu all the time these days.

 

[Reyhoney]

When I told him I wasn’t into these things he said that’s okay cause he’d only get pleasure if I’m getting pleasure from it too, but sometimes he says oh I bet I can push you over your limits and that just freaks me out.

I am into rough sex, but is he just recreating porn scenes? Like face slapping while giving him a blowjob and deep throating to make me gag and tear up, will I resent him eventually for it? I feel like he would just try whatever he watches on porn and it’s starting to make me doubt that he can love me, what if he’s just cold inside?

I guess I’m just trying to ask people who have been doing this, if his behavior is normal? I don’t want to disappoint him, but I don’t want to hate myself over time for allowing him to do these things.

 

[KimGordon67]

When I told him I wasn’t into these things he said that’s okay cause he’d only get pleasure if I’m getting pleasure from it too, but sometimes he says oh I bet I can push you over your limits and that just freaks me out.

I am into rough sex, but is he just recreating porn scenes? Like face slapping while giving him a blowjob and deep throating to make me gag and tear up, will I resent him eventually for it? I feel like he would just try whatever he watches on porn and it’s starting to make me doubt that he can love me, what if he’s just cold inside?

I guess I’m just trying to ask people who have been doing this, if his behavior is normal? I don’t want to disappoint him, but I don’t want to hate myself over time for allowing him to do these things.

Great big extremely loud alarm bell.

I think he needs to do some reading or talking to others around what he's doing. It sounds like he hasn't really thought this through very well. You both deserve to be fairly well informed about the path you're going down.

If you're only doing stuff that you're consenting to and enjoying, you shouldn't resent him later. But not wanting to disappoint him is not a reason for putting up with things you don't want.

 

[cascadiabound]

When I told him I wasn’t into these things he said that’s okay cause he’d only get pleasure if I’m getting pleasure from it too, but sometimes he says oh I bet I can push you over your limits and that just freaks me out.

Okay. this requires conversation. When I am in a relationship with someone I trust, I will trust him to push me a little within boundaries that we have discussed along the edges of my "soft limits" but pushing you on your hard limits is bordering on abusive even if he does not mean it to be. This goes back to having conversation when you are not in the midst of sex and doing a BDSM check list about likes and must haves and hard limits.

I am into rough sex, but is he just recreating porn scenes? Like face slapping while giving him a blowjob and deep throating to make me gag and tear up, will I resent him eventually for it? I feel like he would just try whatever he watches on porn and it’s starting to make me doubt that he can love me, what if he’s just cold inside?

Ask him. I like rough face fucking so hard it makes me gag and tear up and have liked it for a really really really long time. Again... sex and trying new things can be exciting and inspiration for trying new things can come from a lot of places - porn or images or stories. real life sex is not really like BDSM porn scenes. it is really important to just take things slow and for him to be doing things that he likes but that YOU like too and that he is working with what makes you respond to him sexually. it is a partnership. If he is getting inspiration from outside sources like you suspect, it might be good to have you view or read the source together and discuss what it is about the scene that each of you like or don't like and see whether or not you want to try any or all of the elements.

I guess I’m just trying to ask people who have been doing this, if his behavior is normal? I don’t want to disappoint him, but I don’t want to hate myself over time for allowing him to do these things.

There is no such thing as "NORMAL" sex. Normal is what you like. Normal is what turns you on. Normal is what you enjoy with your partner. (as long as you are both of age and consenting and is legal and no one gets sent to the hospital or dead). If you are playing at these things because you just want to please him, you may grow to resent him, I don't know. But there are lots of people who enjoy the things you are describing and only grow to love these things more, crave it more and find that it heightens the bond with their lover. However... IF these things FEEL abusive to you and they are TRIGGERING you and stuff from your childhood... it may well make you feel worse over time and this worries me for you if you don't talk about it with your partner.

 

[KimGordon67]

I really hope it's clear that CB, Far, and I are not being judgemental of either your or your boyfriend. We're just genuinely concerned that, as you describe it, the situation has potential to become increasingly unpleasant for you. And he may end up unintentionally going to a place that he doesn't mean to because he can't see the boundaries.

Most people find talking about sex awkward. But if you're doing things you actively don't want rather than talking about it, you need to find a way to get around that.

 

[cascadiabound]

I really hope it's clear that CB, Far, and I are not being judgemental of either your or your boyfriend. We're just genuinely concerned that, as you describe it, the situation has potential to become increasingly unpleasant for you. And he may end up unintentionally going to a place that he doesn't mean to because he can't see the boundaries.

Most people find talking about sex awkward. But if you're doing things you actively don't want rather than talking about it, you need to find a way to get around that.

yes. thanks Kim.

the library sticky at the top of the page has some really good resources and all of us have other resources that if you are interested, we would point you to. READ READ READ. educate yourself and encourage your guy to do the same. this stuff is complicated. You will quickly run into concepts like SAFE SANE and CONSENSUAL and other ways of playing safe with rough and BDSM play. These things are designed to help you feel safe/ be safe and give you some guidelines.

If he is topping you (and it sounds like he is - see sticky at the top for Stella Omega's essay) he needs to be responsible for your safety. Your physical safety and your mental and emotional safety. But he can't do that if you don't communicate with him. And it may be that he is not really ready to take on that kind of responsibility either. He may just want to have rough fucking animal sex. In which case, you at least need to decide what is and is not on the menu and make sure that you feel completely loved afterwards... not just a fuck toy. (I mean... I like feeling like a fuck toy in the security of his love... ) Sigh. Yeah confusing. Y'all got to read up on this stuff. BE SAFE>

 

[Reyhoney]

No not at all! I’m really learning from you and benefiting. He’s the first guy I’ve ever done anything like that with, and he has only done some of it before since his ex’s were never much into it. I love him and I care about him so I want to understand more so that neither of us would ruin this, I think we have a good relationship overall, although we are different, I’m way more emotional and sensitive and he likes to come off strong.

I will do what you suggested, just express myself more and better, but I don’t want to come off like I’m attacking him cause I know that will make him completely clam up if he thinks he’s been hurting me. I know that he takes this seriously, it’s pribably just my fault that I haven’t expressed my dislikes more so he just went for it all.

Is there any good books or links we can read?

 

[cascadiabound]

No not at all! I’m really learning from you and benefiting. He’s the first guy I’ve ever done anything like that with, and he has only done some of it before since his ex’s were never much into it. I love him and I care about him so I want to understand more so that neither of us would ruin this, I think we have a good relationship overall, although we are different, I’m way more emotional and sensitive and he likes to come off strong.

I will do what you suggested, just express myself more and better, but I don’t want to come off like I’m attacking him cause I know that will make him completely clam up if he thinks he’s been hurting me. I know that he takes this seriously, it’s pribably just my fault that I haven’t expressed my dislikes more so he just went for it all.

Is there any good books or links we can read?

here is a start:
this link. which I referred to above. also lists basic reading materials.
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1360492

and from the BDSM library: reading list link:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=25837419#post25837419

S page from the BDSM library sticky at the top - includes safe words, spanking and sub drop...

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=9595787&postcount=13

 

[KimGordon67]

No not at all! I’m really learning from you and benefiting. He’s the first guy I’ve ever done anything like that with, and he has only done some of it before since his ex’s were never much into it. I love him and I care about him so I want to understand more so that neither of us would ruin this, I think we have a good relationship overall, although we are different, I’m way more emotional and sensitive and he likes to come off strong.

I will do what you suggested, just express myself more and better, but I don’t want to come off like I’m attacking him cause I know that will make him completely clam up if he thinks he’s been hurting me. I know that he takes this seriously, it’s pribably just my fault that I haven’t expressed my dislikes more so he just went for it all.

Is there any good books or links we can read?

It's not your fault - he has some responsibility to check in with you about specifics as well as general concepts. And if he thinks you're attacking him because you express your feeling about something, then he needs to deal with that.

 

[Reyhoney]

I know part of this is that he has never actually said he’s in love with me. He’ll say he cares so much for me, I mean so much to him, talk about our future together but he hasn’t said those words before. At first it was hard for me but when I talked about it with others they all said just look at his actions, and that’s why maybe I have a hard time with this? They said he’ll do it when he’s ready and not to pressure him.

We are also long distance so we see each other every few weekends and I thought maybe he just hasn’t had enough time to know if he loves me or not?

I’ve whispered I love him one time in bed when he was tired and had his eyes closed but he said nothing and later I asked if he heard what I said and he said no? What did you say? So I never mentioned it again. I think he didn’t hear me, but I’m not a 100% sure. That was over 2 months ago and I’ve never attempted again.

Sorry my situation seems to have a few complications, that’s life huh?

 

[cascadiabound]

I know part of this is that he has never actually said he’s in love with me. He’ll say he cares so much for me, I mean so much to him, talk about our future together but he hasn’t said those words before. At first it was hard for me but when I talked about it with others they all said just look at his actions, and that’s why maybe I have a hard time with this? They said he’ll do it when he’s ready and not to pressure him.

We are also long distance so we see each other every few weekends and I thought maybe he just hasn’t had enough time to know if he loves me or not?

I’ve whispered I love him one time in bed when he was tired and had his eyes closed but he said nothing and later I asked if he heard what I said and he said no? What did you say? So I never mentioned it again. I think he didn’t hear me, but I’m not a 100% sure. That was over 2 months ago and I’ve never attempted again.

Sorry my situation seems to have a few complications, that’s life huh?

Life is complicated and when you are often LD it makes communication all the more important.
You two are still quite new. 6 months and mostly long distance. Give yourself a break. But...it's time to do some talking. Reading. Separately and together. Do some work thinking apart and compare notes. Make sure this is what you want. You deserve to be loved. Cared for. Even if he sometimes fucks you rough and hard. Relationships take work. Time to start doing it. It's part of the deal.

And...if you haven't said you love him when he could hear you...he may be wondering if you love him. FFS. Tell him.

 

[Primalex]

When I told him I wasn’t into these things he said that’s okay cause he’d only get pleasure if I’m getting pleasure from it too, but sometimes he says oh I bet I can push you over your limits and that just freaks me out.

I am into rough sex, but is he just recreating porn scenes? Like face slapping while giving him a blowjob and deep throating to make me gag and tear up, will I resent him eventually for it? I feel like he would just try whatever he watches on porn and it’s starting to make me doubt that he can love me, what if he’s just cold inside?

I guess I’m just trying to ask people who have been doing this, if his behavior is normal? I don’t want to disappoint him, but I don’t want to hate myself over time for allowing him to do these things.

I think you are mixing up a lot of things.


First of all, we have immediate and delayed effects. He might do or say something that immediately triggers a negative response because it hurts you (physical or psychological). And your body and mind are creatures of habit. If you get used to "abusing" someone in defined situations, it starts to creep into other areas, if you don't pay attention. Just little needles that go:"Why would I listen what he/she wants for dinner? He slapped me yesterday. / I spit on her face whenever I want." Introspection is a very handy ability that both of you should train.


"Love" is a terrible way to measure safety. "Love" is also a terrible reason to allow someone to do things with you that you don't particularly enjoy. You might think it's okay for now, but if you intend a long-term relationship you will run into trouble. You usually cannot keep up doing stuff you don't enjoy in the long run - and then you end up in a dilemma.

 

[Reyhoney]

Off topic but is it normal that I keep receiving message from men who want to cyber sext me? I guess I’m not used to getting this on a forum!

 

[Blue]

Off topic but is it normal that I keep receiving message from men who want to cyber sext me? I guess I’m not used to getting this on a forum!

Unfortunately yes

 

[Farawyn]

Off topic but is it normal that I keep receiving message from men who want to cyber sext me? I guess I’m not used to getting this on a forum!

Just block your PMs.