Separating the Writer from the Person

[ColtonWrites]

I'm kind of seeking relationship advice and kind of just shouting into the Void?

So - I have this best friend. He's a cis bisexual man, and he is very much into me, in a "friends with benefits" way. This is the first time in a very long time I've had someone other than my wife express interest in me in a romantic or sexual context. Up until now, I have told him that I appreciate the attention, but I don't have any plans to act on it. For one, I would need my wife's full support before we did anything more than platonic.

Last night, my wife and I talked, and I got that from her.

It's my friend's birthday today. I suggested that my wife and I take him out to dinner, but my wife said she had already made plans for tonight. So it's just going to be me and him.

He is the only cis man I have ever met that is completely normal about my trans identity. He knows next to nothing about queer theory - he just...doesn't care. He knows I'm his friend, he knows my pronouns and a bit about my journey, he thinks I'm hot, end of problem.
We had our weekly friends' dinner last night, and he came over early to help me cook. I spent the whole time really wanting to hold his hand.


I realized thinking about it that this sounds like a premise to a story I'd write! Long-standing open marriage, exciting new romantic flavor, trust, the possibility of unintentional betrayals and miscommunications causing problems. We even had a meet-cute.


And sharp-eyed readers might note that I haven't mentioned if I find him attractive, or if I want to have sex with him. That's the other wrinkle here that has me thinking about if I'm approaching this as a person seeking a relationship or as a writer playing out a fantasy: I identify as asexual-spectrum.

Sex is good! Sex is fun! I have lots of sexy fantasies!

Real people aren't sexy. I don't look at actual humans or human body parts (or cartoon representations, or whatever) and feel sexual attraction or a desire for sex. If I have a desire for sex it comes either from the situational fantasy turning me on, or just from doing the physical actions with someone I trust emotionally to share that with.

So how do I figure out if what I want is this actual guy, or the idea of the story that I'm writing in head?

 

[TheLobster]

So how do I figure out if what I want is this actual guy, or the idea of the story that I'm writing in head?

Write the story and see if that changes your perspective in any way? It might not, it probably won't; but at least you will have the story

 

[usable001]

So how do I figure out if what I want is this actual guy, or the idea of the story that I'm writing in head?

A bit of both, sorry.

People change, grow, and learn new things about each other all the time. Some of the biggest arguments in my life have been about other people's expectations of me in their own heads. These things would happen whether or not we read and wrote these stories.

My main concern would be how well your existing relationship could survive the shift this will cause.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Why not both?
It sounds like you can be pretty open with your friend, tell him what you just told us.
Everyone has experienced conflicting emotions about a relationship or a potential relationship. The details are always different but the emotion is the same, so he'll probably understand.

 

[usable001]

My main concern would be how well your existing relationship could survive the shift this will cause.

Let me rephrase that. The fact that you are having these thoughts means your relationship with him is changing. I'd just try to make sure you are both in agreement about what it is changing into.

One of the most painful parts of my early life was a submissive bottom guy who I topped once, and wanted me to be that dominant person he imagined for over a year after. I eventually started avoiding him and changed my phone number. I wasn't the person he wanted me to be and wasn't willing to pretend long-term.

 

[ColtonWrites]

Let me rephrase that. The fact that you are having these thoughts means your relationship with him is changing. I'd just try to make sure you are both in agreement about what it is changing into.

One of the most painful parts of my early life was a submissive bottom guy who I topped once, and wanted me to be that dominant person he imagined for over a year after. I eventually started avoiding him and changed my phone number. I wasn't the person he wanted me to be and wasn't willing to pretend long-term.

The fact that he's just a bi man and not a Dominant is in fact the only reason I'm even considering this. I'd fall too hard and fast for a cis male Dominant for it to be healthy for me right now. It would be exactly your problem.

(And he's specifically not into being a Dom or into S&M, which are HUGE for me. We've had conversations about what he's into, though I haven't gone into mine. So this really would just be..**** with a friend.)

 

[SimonDoom]

So how do I figure out if what I want is this actual guy, or the idea of the story that I'm writing in head?

You're going to have to spend more time with him to see how you feel. I don't think we can answer the question for you in this forum.

I'd suggest going slowly and taking your time. Don't rush it.

The situation you described was so complicated, with so many moving parts, that I don't blame you if you are confused. I was confused! So taking time makes sense.

You might try writing the story and seeing if that scratches your itch.

 

[usable001]

I'd suggest going slowly and taking your time. Don't rush it.

And talk.

A birthday surprise sounds like a cool idea, but I'd much rather have the conversation, "I'm thinking about ___. I'm worried about ___. But I also ___."

He's a friend. Treat him like one.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I'm kind of seeking relationship advice and kind of just shouting into the Void?

So - I have this best friend. He's a cis bisexual man, and he is very much into me, in a "friends with benefits" way. This is the first time in a very long time I've had someone other than my wife express interest in me in a romantic or sexual context. Up until now, I have told him that I appreciate the attention, but I don't have any plans to act on it. For one, I would need my wife's full support before we did anything more than platonic.

Last night, my wife and I talked, and I got that from her.

It's my friend's birthday today. I suggested that my wife and I take him out to dinner, but my wife said she had already made plans for tonight. So it's just going to be me and him.

He is the only cis man I have ever met that is completely normal about my trans identity. He knows next to nothing about queer theory - he just...doesn't care. He knows I'm his friend, he knows my pronouns and a bit about my journey, he thinks I'm hot, end of problem.
We had our weekly friends' dinner last night, and he came over early to help me cook. I spent the whole time really wanting to hold his hand.


I realized thinking about it that this sounds like a premise to a story I'd write! Long-standing open marriage, exciting new romantic flavor, trust, the possibility of unintentional betrayals and miscommunications causing problems. We even had a meet-cute.


And sharp-eyed readers might note that I haven't mentioned if I find him attractive, or if I want to have sex with him. That's the other wrinkle here that has me thinking about if I'm approaching this as a person seeking a relationship or as a writer playing out a fantasy: I identify as asexual-spectrum.

Sex is good! Sex is fun! I have lots of sexy fantasies!

Real people aren't sexy. I don't look at actual humans or human body parts (or cartoon representations, or whatever) and feel sexual attraction or a desire for sex. If I have a desire for sex it comes either from the situational fantasy turning me on, or just from doing the physical actions with someone I trust emotionally to share that with.

So how do I figure out if what I want is this actual guy, or the idea of the story that I'm writing in head?

Our lives are stories we write.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Not an easy situation.

The way I see it, you either:

1. Risk missing out on life and sex if you don't go for it, and if you only want to be friends with him.

2. Risk potentially losing, as you said, the only cis man who understands you if you go for it, but then the sex relationship turns out to be something you don't want.

There's some risk whatever you choose, but also potentially something to be gained. If I were you, I'd give myself more time to try to figure out what I want, and whether the sex relationship is worth taking a chance. If I did decide to go for it, I'd take it slow.

Think hard and give yourself some time, but also don't let fear of failure guide your life. It could also be that, if he is that kind of guy, you can't really misstep in this sense.

 

[ElectricBlue]

So how do I figure out if what I want is this actual guy, or the idea of the story that I'm writing in head?

I've just read a bunch of reasons why not to do this, to be honest.

If I had to seek life affirming advice from a bunch of fucked up folk writing porn and erotica, I'm not sure I'd be taking too much notice.

If in doubt, don't, would be my suggestion. Sure, go write the fantasy, but here's my advice (from a sorta kinda not so similar situation):

Sometimes one gets an idea for a quick little story that in other circumstances might be inappropriate. This is one of those, written to see where it might go.

A month ago I would never have considered writing it, because Taylor was a work colleague who I caught up with one day a week, when I went into the office. Normally I worked from home because the office was on the other side of town, and as part of my contract negotiation I'd said, I'm not prepared to do that every day. My consultancy contract has come to an end now, as I knew it would, so Taylor is fair game for my erotic proclivities. I'll never see her again, so in my mind's eye, I'm going to see a lot more of her than I did.

 

[ColtonWrites]

So.

We went camping together. My wife and her boyfriend were supposed to come, too. But my wife got a mosquito bite *in her eyelid* around lunchtime, it swelled shut, and she decided that was enough nature for one day.

Well, first we went out for lunch and I did the thing. I said actual out loud words about my feelings and him and our friendship and how this affects and is affected by my marriage.

I told him I didnt want to lose our friendship, and that I didnt want the friendship to become just about sex. That I had spent the previous evening wanting to hold his hand but had resisted, because I needed to talk to my wife first. That I wasnt used to this, it had been a long time since someone other than my wife had expressed interest in me.

We talked about what it like to be fetishized, and how much it sucks. He's Puerto Rican and had some experiences to share there, which i hadnt expected but probably should have.

Then we went camping. We got high, we held hands, we talked.

We made out. I put my hands in some places. He put his mouth some places.

Apparently he really wanted to do that specifically.

And now I am home. It doesnt *feel* like anything has changed.

If I had to seek life affirming advice from a bunch of fucked up folk writing porn and erotica, I'm not sure I'd be taking too much notice.

Fair!
My friends mostly don't talk about sex, or if they do its in the "everyone should be totally comfortable with having sex with their friends, and we are going to talk about sex like this is already the case" way.

I do have IRL one friend I can talk to about sex.
Theres a flaw in bringing him this particular question.

 

[Omenainen]

Good for you for going for it! My take is that life is short, and it’s better to regret things you did than things you didn’t. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s feelings, but kudos to you for honoring your own.

 

[anthrodisiac]

I'm glad that you were able to open up and that it hasn't harmed the friendship or change much for you

 

[Britva415]

So how do I figure out if what I want is this actual guy, or the idea of the story that I'm writing in head?

Do you feel like it is okay to just give it a try, at some level?

Do you feel like it's okay to (or have you already) come out as asexual-spec?

Do you feel like it's okay to hand-hold while also expressing and maintaining additional boundaries?

Do you feel like it's okay to have a words-out-loud conversation about him not forming expectations and about what you want out of it?

 

[ColtonWrites]

Lots of thinking and now I'm much more certain I want to have sex with him. And my wife and I have talked more and she's feeling more comfortable too.

Next checkin with Friend needs to be making sure we are on the same page re: this is not a romantic relationship. But im pretty sure of that. And being an insecure mess, I need to hear him give me the answers I already know about this (is it a fetish thing? Am I still a guy to you? This isnt a conquest about bagging someone 20 years younger?)

New problem: where?
I own a house but there are six people currently living in it, including a teenager who is on summer break and a roommate who works from home. There is ALWAYS someone in my house.
Also I kind of want to keep anything from happening there? Thats my house with my family and my wife in it. FWB is...separate. I like it that way, and I like knowing I can invite him to my place as a clear "this is not a sex invite".

He lives in a sober house and cant have overnight guests. And during the day, same problem as my place - theres always someone home.

Camping...worked? But I am not quiet, so a family campground is less than ideal, and I have a mild mobility impairment, so backwoods camping is a lot of effort.

Motels are $100+ a pop and Im not made of money.

So...fellow erotica writers....where do people go to have sex when the bedroom isnt an option?

 

[Britva415]

where do people go to have sex when the bedroom isnt an option?

Someone's workplace

Or vehicle or boat or one of the public cruising areas that are full of guys all the time or a dressing room at a busy big store or a big handicapped bathroom stall at a quiet place like the local community college or something.

I know, most of those are cringey - but lots of guys make it work.

Maybe he will have ideas. Or money for the motel.

 

[CalBishForNow]

I think what you're talking about, exploring this new one-of-a-kind experience with a longtime friend and maybe better and deeper relationship going forward, as a one-time previously-scheduled thing with your wife's support, is worth the cost of the motel.

If you literally can't afford it, then maybe wait on this? Until your house is empty (hint to your roommate that it would be very convenient if he scheduled a weekend away after your kid is back in school, frex) or when you or your friend's finances are in a better place, maybe? Sex is great but so is not living paycheck to paycheck.