Separating the Writer from the Person

[ColtonWrites]

I'm kind of seeking relationship advice and kind of just shouting into the Void?

So - I have this best friend. He's a cis bisexual man, and he is very much into me, in a "friends with benefits" way. This is the first time in a very long time I've had someone other than my wife express interest in me in a romantic or sexual context. Up until now, I have told him that I appreciate the attention, but I don't have any plans to act on it. For one, I would need my wife's full support before we did anything more than platonic.

Last night, my wife and I talked, and I got that from her.

It's my friend's birthday today. I suggested that my wife and I take him out to dinner, but my wife said she had already made plans for tonight. So it's just going to be me and him.

He is the only cis man I have ever met that is completely normal about my trans identity. He knows next to nothing about queer theory - he just...doesn't care. He knows I'm his friend, he knows my pronouns and a bit about my journey, he thinks I'm hot, end of problem.
We had our weekly friends' dinner last night, and he came over early to help me cook. I spent the whole time really wanting to hold his hand.


I realized thinking about it that this sounds like a premise to a story I'd write! Long-standing open marriage, exciting new romantic flavor, trust, the possibility of unintentional betrayals and miscommunications causing problems. We even had a meet-cute.


And sharp-eyed readers might note that I haven't mentioned if I find him attractive, or if I want to have sex with him. That's the other wrinkle here that has me thinking about if I'm approaching this as a person seeking a relationship or as a writer playing out a fantasy: I identify as asexual-spectrum.

Sex is good! Sex is fun! I have lots of sexy fantasies!

Real people aren't sexy. I don't look at actual humans or human body parts (or cartoon representations, or whatever) and feel sexual attraction or a desire for sex. If I have a desire for sex it comes either from the situational fantasy turning me on, or just from doing the physical actions with someone I trust emotionally to share that with.

So how do I figure out if what I want is this actual guy, or the idea of the story that I'm writing in head?

 

[TheLobster]

So how do I figure out if what I want is this actual guy, or the idea of the story that I'm writing in head?

Write the story and see if that changes your perspective in any way? It might not, it probably won't; but at least you will have the story

 

[usable001]

So how do I figure out if what I want is this actual guy, or the idea of the story that I'm writing in head?

A bit of both, sorry.

People change, grow, and learn new things about each other all the time. Some of the biggest arguments in my life have been about other people's expectations of me in their own heads. These things would happen whether or not we read and wrote these stories.

My main concern would be how well your existing relationship could survive the shift this will cause.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Why not both?
It sounds like you can be pretty open with your friend, tell him what you just told us.
Everyone has experienced conflicting emotions about a relationship or a potential relationship. The details are always different but the emotion is the same, so he'll probably understand.

 

[usable001]

My main concern would be how well your existing relationship could survive the shift this will cause.

Let me rephrase that. The fact that you are having these thoughts means your relationship with him is changing. I'd just try to make sure you are both in agreement about what it is changing into.

One of the most painful parts of my early life was a submissive bottom guy who I topped once, and wanted me to be that dominant person he imagined for over a year after. I eventually started avoiding him and changed my phone number. I wasn't the person he wanted me to be and wasn't willing to pretend long-term.

 

[ColtonWrites]

Let me rephrase that. The fact that you are having these thoughts means your relationship with him is changing. I'd just try to make sure you are both in agreement about what it is changing into.

One of the most painful parts of my early life was a submissive bottom guy who I topped once, and wanted me to be that dominant person he imagined for over a year after. I eventually started avoiding him and changed my phone number. I wasn't the person he wanted me to be and wasn't willing to pretend long-term.

The fact that he's just a bi man and not a Dominant is in fact the only reason I'm even considering this. I'd fall too hard and fast for a cis male Dominant for it to be healthy for me right now. It would be exactly your problem.

(And he's specifically not into being a Dom or into S&M, which are HUGE for me. We've had conversations about what he's into, though I haven't gone into mine. So this really would just be..**** with a friend.)

 

[SimonDoom]

So how do I figure out if what I want is this actual guy, or the idea of the story that I'm writing in head?

You're going to have to spend more time with him to see how you feel. I don't think we can answer the question for you in this forum.

I'd suggest going slowly and taking your time. Don't rush it.

The situation you described was so complicated, with so many moving parts, that I don't blame you if you are confused. I was confused! So taking time makes sense.

You might try writing the story and seeing if that scratches your itch.

 

[usable001]

I'd suggest going slowly and taking your time. Don't rush it.

And talk.

A birthday surprise sounds like a cool idea, but I'd much rather have the conversation, "I'm thinking about ___. I'm worried about ___. But I also ___."

He's a friend. Treat him like one.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I'm kind of seeking relationship advice and kind of just shouting into the Void?

So - I have this best friend. He's a cis bisexual man, and he is very much into me, in a "friends with benefits" way. This is the first time in a very long time I've had someone other than my wife express interest in me in a romantic or sexual context. Up until now, I have told him that I appreciate the attention, but I don't have any plans to act on it. For one, I would need my wife's full support before we did anything more than platonic.

Last night, my wife and I talked, and I got that from her.

It's my friend's birthday today. I suggested that my wife and I take him out to dinner, but my wife said she had already made plans for tonight. So it's just going to be me and him.

He is the only cis man I have ever met that is completely normal about my trans identity. He knows next to nothing about queer theory - he just...doesn't care. He knows I'm his friend, he knows my pronouns and a bit about my journey, he thinks I'm hot, end of problem.
We had our weekly friends' dinner last night, and he came over early to help me cook. I spent the whole time really wanting to hold his hand.


I realized thinking about it that this sounds like a premise to a story I'd write! Long-standing open marriage, exciting new romantic flavor, trust, the possibility of unintentional betrayals and miscommunications causing problems. We even had a meet-cute.


And sharp-eyed readers might note that I haven't mentioned if I find him attractive, or if I want to have sex with him. That's the other wrinkle here that has me thinking about if I'm approaching this as a person seeking a relationship or as a writer playing out a fantasy: I identify as asexual-spectrum.

Sex is good! Sex is fun! I have lots of sexy fantasies!

Real people aren't sexy. I don't look at actual humans or human body parts (or cartoon representations, or whatever) and feel sexual attraction or a desire for sex. If I have a desire for sex it comes either from the situational fantasy turning me on, or just from doing the physical actions with someone I trust emotionally to share that with.

So how do I figure out if what I want is this actual guy, or the idea of the story that I'm writing in head?

Our lives are stories we write.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Not an easy situation.

The way I see it, you either:

1. Risk missing out on life and sex if you don't go for it, and if you only want to be friends with him.

2. Risk potentially losing, as you said, the only cis man who understands you if you go for it, but then the sex relationship turns out to be something you don't want.

There's some risk whatever you choose, but also potentially something to be gained. If I were you, I'd give myself more time to try to figure out what I want, and whether the sex relationship is worth taking a chance. If I did decide to go for it, I'd take it slow.

Think hard and give yourself some time, but also don't let fear of failure guide your life. It could also be that, if he is that kind of guy, you can't really misstep in this sense.