Sex Jokes

[Phoenyx]

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,
"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

 

[Wiggles]

LMAO!

That's a goodun' Pheonyx!

 

[AriaSilverfyre]

Little Billy goes to his mother and tells her to give him his breakfast. She asks if he has done his chores. He replies no and she tells him he is not getting any breakfast until his chores are done.
Annoyed, little Billy feeds the chickens and kicks one. He feeds the pigs and kicks one. Then he milks the cows and kicks one when he is done.
He goes back inside and his mother sets a bowl of dry cereal in front of him. He questions her. She replies, "I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. You kicked a pig so you don't get any bacon for a week. Then you kicked the cow so you don't get any milk for a week."
Just then Billy's dad comes down the stairs and trips over the cat, kicking it.
Billy looks to his mom and says, "Should I tell him or will you?"

 

[Comshaw]

A man in his 70's took his new acquaintance for a row boat ride. He rowed along until he reached a fork in the river. He was unsure whether to proceed up the river or turn around and go back down, so he decided to let his new lady friend decide.
She was hard of hearing so he turned to her and yelled,"Up or down?"
A terrified look crossed her face and to his surprise and delight, she ripped off all her clothes and laid down with her legs spread.
The man, not to turn down such a gift, was quickly out of his clothes and on top of her, humping happily away.
He thought he was in heaven, so the very next weekend he again ask her to go for a row boat ride. To his dismay she declined. Every weekend for months he would ask her to go and she would decline. Finally one day, when he was ready to give up, she agreed to go on another boat ride with him. He prepared the boat and as he rowed along the river, found conversing with her much easier because of her new hearing aid.
He was very excited as they again stopped at the fork in the river.
He looked at her with wild anticipation in his face and said,"Up or down?"
Her eyes grew round and she said,"Excuse me, what did you say?"
"Up or down," He replied,"do you want to go up the river or down."
"You son-of-a-bitch!" She said,"The last time I thought you said,'Fuck or drown!'