Sexless Marriages - How does it happen?

[mrcoolhandluke]

This - both of these statements.

I couldn’t agree more!

 

[LadyWhiteWolf15]

Sexless Marriage

You know, I am so much like so many of you all. I've been happily married for what will be 29 years this coming September.We're great friends and excellent and understanding partners. We're a great team and face whatever life throws at us together. I absolutely adore my husband and will *NEVER* step out on him. Yes, he knows that I am here and he encourages my writing and poetry.He even encourages me to go to Cowboy Poetry Gatherings, hoping that I'll be the next Baxter Black with my horse, cowboy gear and all. * Chuckle*

Sadly, my husband suffers from ED and high blood pressure, not to mention that he needs to have knee replacement surgery at some point which he is trying to put off for as long as possible. The medications he takes for those health issues really wipe him out physically. He works a *HIGH STRESS* job for a medical device company and has to travel for work from time to time. I work in law enforcement as well as my other job that I mention in my profile. We haven't had sex in nearly 3 years. I, too, miss the caressing, the exploring, the tender and passionate kisses, the sheer physicality of it all. But I am patient and am waiting for my husband to feel better. It's heartbreaking seeing him suffer so. :---( I enjoy reading the stories here and making connections, but at the end of the day, I just want to be held and cherished as I believe that we all do.

 

[Explorer99]

Being told "You should have grown out of that by now" doesn't help very much!

Not being able to put her phone down doesn't do a lot.

Turning away in bed and ramming the duvet down between us speaks loud and clear.

I still fancy her something rotten but her attitude kills me psychologically. I can't want to touch a woman who I know hasn't the slightest interest in me.

We've been miles apart for years - we've both had affairs. I stayed because of the kids. 20 years later it's abundantly clear that everyone would have had a better life if we'd parted way back.

I'm sure there are things she doesn't like about me but if you don't tell me, I'll never know........

 

[LemonLimeBitters]

Every now and then, the topic on sexless marriages pops up in the forum. I check it each time to see what others say just in case something new pops up. How does it happen? Every poster here and in previous threads have said it all. Medical reasons, physical or mental concerns, loss of attraction/desire, ageing, distractions from life in general, growing apart/different interests...etc. The list goes on, the reasons stated (or guessed) from one relationship to another are invariably different yet overall, the same. Some are more obvious such as medical or physical reasons, others a bit more complex and a combination of multiple reasons. I understand the frustration of asking your partner and not getting a satisfactory answer. Sometimes you can change this situation and other times you cannot. While I'm not discouraging the OP to ponder the why and actively try to mend the problem, I do think its prudent for him to ask himself, "what would I do if she is never going to be the same again?".

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

Every now and then, the topic on sexless marriages pops up in the forum. I check it each time to see what others say just in case something new pops up. How does it happen? Every poster here and in previous threads have said it all. Medical reasons, physical or mental concerns, loss of attraction/desire, ageing, distractions from life in general, growing apart/different interests...etc. The list goes on, the reasons stated (or guessed) from one relationship to another are invariably different yet overall, the same. Some are more obvious such as medical or physical reasons, others a bit more complex and a combination of multiple reasons. I understand the frustration of asking your partner and not getting a satisfactory answer. Sometimes you can change this situation and other times you cannot. While I'm not discouraging the OP to ponder the why and actively try to mend the problem, I do think its prudent for him to ask himself, "what would I do if she is never going to be the same again?".

""what would I do if she is never going to be the same again?""

post on here probably ..........

but on the serious side, the divorce rate in the UK is tiny for over 60's but it has doubled since the 90's. The divorce rate for young people has halved since the 90's.

65-70% of divorces in the UK are initiated by wives.

Getting a divorce is a drawn out process unless someone is at fault. 2 years+ but it's changing. Hopefully this Autumn we're getting an option of a 'no fault' divorce which should take no longer than 6 months. I know a lot of woman desperate for this, possibly men too, maybe they just don't talk about it so freely.

Why should anyone be to blame when people just change? I know countless couples who have had to play the adultery card to end their marriages quicker.

It'll be interesting, especially after Covid, to see how/if the divorce rates change with the 'no blame' quickie option.

 

[jayjay04]

Speaking from my experience...

I was with my girlfriend for 13 years, sex was fine (2-3 times a week). We had a baby and it went down hill a bit after that which was fine as she usually got up in the night as I worked.

But then as our baby got to around 3 and was sleeping through I wanted to get a bit more but it was never forthcoming. We split up last year as she had been having an affair for 6 months.

The reason she gave was that she wasn't happy as we did nothing. Looking back I can see her point. I always made sure I was there for my kid, I would take her to the park just me and her, take her out to a cafe for lunch or whatever. I was also there for my family, we would all do things together. But what there wasn't much of was just me and her time.

When it was just me and her time, it usually revolved around me trying to get a bit. It was never really me and her just going for a drink or food or bowling or anything.

So I would say to the men have you tried to do things with your partner (not just once or twice) without expecting or hoping it leads to sex?

 

[Chillygirl]

Speaking from my experience...

I was with my girlfriend for 13 years, sex was fine (2-3 times a week). We had a baby and it went down hill a bit after that which was fine as she usually got up in the night as I worked.

But then as our baby got to around 3 and was sleeping through I wanted to get a bit more but it was never forthcoming. We split up last year as she had been having an affair for 6 months.

The reason she gave was that she wasn't happy as we did nothing. Looking back I can see her point. I always made sure I was there for my kid, I would take her to the park just me and her, take her out to a cafe for lunch or whatever. I was also there for my family, we would all do things together. But what there wasn't much of was just me and her time.

When it was just me and her time, it usually revolved around me trying to get a bit. It was never really me and her just going for a drink or food or bowling or anything.

So I would say to the men have you tried to do things with your partner (not just once or twice) without expecting or hoping it leads to sex?

Exactly....date your partner the way you’re trying to date someone you met here.

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

Exactly....date your partner the way you’re trying to date someone you met here.

Impossible, people on here chat . I get more words in one PM on here (even a short one) than I've had in 20+ years from the husband - and I'm not being frivolous when I laugh about it (gallows humour), I just gave up asking years ago - he is what he is, he's not a bad man, we just value different things. I crack on with my life and it'll take me where I end up - possibly the crazy old lady living in a tent in the middle of a roundabout but my head will be happier.

 

[Explorer99]

Impossible, people on here chat . I get more words in one PM on here (even a short one) than I've had in 20+ years from the husband - and I'm not being frivolous when I laugh about it (gallows humour), I just gave up asking years ago - he is what he is, he's not a bad man, we just value different things. I crack on with my life and it'll take me where I end up - possibly the crazy old lady living in a tent in the middle of a roundabout but my head will be happier.

Ha! can't help but react to this!!

This morning, she says to me; "why don't you talk to me?" My immediate reaction would have been: "Well, if you ever put your bloody phone down....!!!" but as usual I edited myself before speaking.

I like your closing statement - albeit uncomfortably close to what goes on in my own head - my life is just a series of short-term objectives. I genuinely have no idea what happens if I get to the end of them - or if what's become 'the everyday' suddenly (finally) becomes intolerable!

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

Ha! can't help but react to this!!

This morning, she says to me; "why don't you talk to me?" My immediate reaction would have been: "Well, if you ever put your bloody phone down....!!!" but as usual I edited myself before speaking.

I like your closing statement - albeit uncomfortably close to what goes on in my own head - my life is just a series of short-term objectives. I genuinely have no idea what happens if I get to the end of them - or if what's become 'the everyday' suddenly (finally) becomes intolerable!

Once it gets beyond sad, it goes to desperate then, 'wave your hands in the air like you just don't care' In the wise words of Slumdog, "it'll be alright in the end and if it's not all right, it's not the end" - she says bordering somewhere between madness and eternal hope.

 

[Explorer99]

Once it gets beyond sad, it goes to desperate then, 'wave your hands in the air like you just don't care' In the wise words of Slumdog, "it'll be alright in the end and if it's not all right, it's not the end" - she says bordering somewhere between madness and eternal hope.

Hmmmm..........

I'm too old to do 'desperate'. A guy I was working with on a site job a couple of years ago made a very astute observation which until then, I hadn't considered. "You know what it is don't you? You're old enough not to give a fuck!"

He was only talking about the way I dealt with the troublesome main contractor but I realised afterwards the extent to which that had filtered through the rest of my life!

I'm still dealing with things that should be in the dim and distant. I'm paying for everything when by now I should have no dependents. I'm fixing everything for everybody but nobody does anything for me and I'm wondering "when do I get my own life?".

 

[shewantsmore]

After being married for a long time,people get bored,,theres other stresses in the marriage,work pressure,financial problems,family problems, one could become ill or unable to have or enjoy sex anymore while the other partner there sex drive only increases,,there can be so many causes why a marriage becomes sexless

 

[newhere2learn]

Met the ex wife at 22. Married at 27. Until then our sex life was between amazing and average (average on bad days).

Around the time we got married her gynaecological issues expedited, to the point where by 33 she's headed for hysterectomy.

Add in her depression/BP, as well as heavy painkiller use, and nerve pain issues in her back/legs/and groin.

Now add in childbirth, numerous surgeries and the gyno issue meaning that intercourse made her bleed for days.

Suddenly her sex drive was nil. We're talking one fuck every 12-18m.

4-6yr later. Now single, and enjoying a healthy sex drive without being made to feel like a pervert

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

Hmmmm..........

I'm too old to do 'desperate'. A guy I was working with on a site job a couple of years ago made a very astute observation which until then, I hadn't considered. "You know what it is don't you? You're old enough not to give a fuck!"

He was only talking about the way I dealt with the troublesome main contractor but I realised afterwards the extent to which that had filtered through the rest of my life!

I'm still dealing with things that should be in the dim and distant. I'm paying for everything when by now I should have no dependents. I'm fixing everything for everybody but nobody does anything for me and I'm wondering "when do I get my own life?".

Yeh, that's it exactly! I suspect the answer to your question is the same as mine, you'll get your life back when you take it back. No one is going to give you it, it's not to their advantage. Sometimes I think it's wiser to be, or pretend to be, useless then no one depends on you lol There are huge disadvantages in being competent.

I remember when I joined the Navy years ago, the PO Wren in training said, "never admit you can type, if 'they' think you can type that's all you'll ever do!" - it was good advice which we technical bods stuck to rigidly. I wish someone had given me similar advise before I got married Thank God for reincarnation, next time I'm coming back as a bimbo who no one expects anything from lol

 

[EmpressV]

In my case, it was unresolved anger with my husband that killed much of my desire for him. Let's face it, if you're not willing to tackle our issues together, I'm not going to feel eager to be with you.
Another component was diet, believe it or not. I started a very low carb diet 6 months ago and my libido and energy in general are both way up. It also helped with my low-grade depression. I belong to a social media group about this diet, and I see a lot of comments about that unexpected side effect.

 

[LemonLimeBitters]

""what would I do if she is never going to be the same again?""

post on here probably ..........

but on the serious side, the divorce rate in the UK is tiny for over 60's but it has doubled since the 90's. The divorce rate for young people has halved since the 90's.

65-70% of divorces in the UK are initiated by wives.

Getting a divorce is a drawn out process unless someone is at fault. 2 years+ but it's changing. Hopefully this Autumn we're getting an option of a 'no fault' divorce which should take no longer than 6 months. I know a lot of woman desperate for this, possibly men too, maybe they just don't talk about it so freely.

Why should anyone be to blame when people just change? I know countless couples who have had to play the adultery card to end their marriages quicker.

It'll be interesting, especially after Covid, to see how/if the divorce rates change with the 'no blame' quickie option.

You're not wrong about posting here. Many do. It does provide an outlet, however small it might be.

Not many research has actually gone into sexless marriages/partnership, but I read a study that estimated 10-15% of marriages are sexless (based on USA data only). I was expecting around 5% so 10% was above my expectations but such is life.

Not sure of the % of sexlessness leading to divorces but I doubt the reason would be sexless alone. But I do acknowledge that sexless does lead to a multitude of other problems, causing a relationship to crumble.

And I do agree, why should divorce be due to anyone at fault. We are ever changing. I am not the same person I was when I first met my partner, emotionally and physically, neither is he. We are all biological entities that change as we age, at a different rate and sometimes, those changes are out of sync. "No fault" divorce options would hopefully remedy that.

 

[Lady2020]

I don't think it's hard to figure out about sexless marriages. Glad I'm not married.

 

[JoeBeans2751]

It happens...Lots of reasons why...Hysterectomies, age, and just lack of desire...I have given up trying to get her to do the horizontal bop..I have tried everything, vibrators, dildo's, weekends away. YOU NAME it..I even went to chatrooms to ask for some help..SHE GOT pissed when she found out, I TOLD her I am TRYING to get you in the mood...It's been so long now I can;'t even remember the last time.

 

[Explorer99]

Yeh, that's it exactly! I suspect the answer to your question is the same as mine, you'll get your life back when you take it back. No one is going to give you it, it's not to their advantage. Sometimes I think it's wiser to be, or pretend to be, useless then no one depends on you lol There are huge disadvantages in being competent.

I remember when I joined the Navy years ago, the PO Wren in training said, "never admit you can type, if 'they' think you can type that's all you'll ever do!" - it was good advice which we technical bods stuck to rigidly. I wish someone had given me similar advise before I got married Thank God for reincarnation, next time I'm coming back as a bimbo who no one expects anything from lol

I fear you are probably just bang on! I read a 'motivational' thing on LinkedIn recently which said; "If you want something enough, you'll find a way to get it. IF you don't, you'll find an excuse" .

I might be paraphrasing slightly but the sentiment is there.

Something I'm a little curious about if I may? You mention "we technical bods" - what did you do and what do you do if I can ask?

Sounds some way from the aspirational bimbo for your next incarnation.......!!!

 

[Series 6]

So why are so many people in sexless marriages? Because life sort of sucks.

There is so much truth to that statement

 

[risky4218]

Women control sex pure and simple.

Not all women..I wish it was that simple.

 

[Dejavu99]

There is so much truth to that statement

Precisely because one of the partner start getting annoyed and discover new found irritating/frustrating behavior in day-to-day lives specially after having a kid

Kids add frustration to couple life and its sign of lack of sexual interest with your woman who start abusing and annoying you

 

[IASFPWTF]

Well put it.

I think we all want the same thing. Even those who say they don't. Even those who don't know they want or need it. Some more and some less, maybe, but we all want that. At the very least at some level. Playing around is all fun and good. But at the end of the day, we need something tangible and meaningful. For whatever it may last and however it may end. We are humans and those things makes us function and feel alive.

Nicely put.

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

Precisely because one of the partner start getting annoyed and discover new found irritating/frustrating behavior in day-to-day lives specially after having a kid

Kids add frustration to couple life and its sign of lack of sexual interest with your woman who start abusing and annoying you

hey, some men turn out to be bigger kids and more demanding than the kids - not saying you're one of them but guys aren't always blameless. And some guys would pay good money for a bit of abuse, enjoy it ........... I'm joking - ish ....

 

[LTMMC]

back to root causes again

I cannot help it, I still find it a terrible shame that with sex offering so much for two pepole who truly embrace the joys and miracles it can bring to a relationship, there are not more couples ready to make use of what Mother Nature has designed into this feature of human togetherness.

OK maybe, when both partners become asexual as time transpires. But when only one of them falls for the usual excuses most people succumb to, and the other realizes they are excuses primarily, and by no means the only way to look at waning sexuality, that is when tragedy sets in. For the partner realizing this, not for the one ready to hide behind excuses.