Sexless Marriages - How does it happen?

[Cherry_Brandy]

I cannot help it, I still find it a terrible shame that with sex offering so much for two pepole who truly embrace the joys and miracles it can bring to a relationship, there are not more couples ready to make use of what Mother Nature has designed into this feature of human togetherness.

OK maybe, when both partners become asexual as time transpires. But when only one of them falls for the usual excuses most people succumb to, and the other realizes they are excuses primarily, and by no means the only way to look at waning sexuality, that is when tragedy sets in. For the partner realizing this, not for the one ready to hide behind excuses.

I don't understand why the partner refusing doesn't give the other a hall pass tbh. It may never be used but I think it's bloody selfish, when they make the decision that sex is not going to happen again, to inflict that decision on their, still wanting/needing, partner.

Even if a partner can't actually have full sex because of medical problems there's still a mountain of other ways to satisfy each other and maintain the intimacy most people crave. When there's nothing forthcoming at all and that contact is also refused I suspect there's more wrong with the marriage than medical problems. But we all muddle through as best we can for a multitude of reasons.

 

[KimGordon67]

I've been thinking about this whole 'sexless marriage' thing that comes up again and again. Truly, in most cases, I'm pretty sure the partner who doesn't want sex understands that this is less than ideal. (I know there's exceptions, people who just say 'no, and it's not my problem that this is a problem for you'.) Speaking from experience of being the person who didn't want sex for some years while I was married, I was fully aware that this was crap for my husband ... but knowing that didn't make me want to have sex with him. And I literally had no explanation for why I felt like that. I just did.

So, with that in mind, maybe instead of approaching it as a 'problem' that the other person has to fix (because they probably can't magically fix it), come to them with some actual solutions that you can at least have a conversation around. How would they feel if you saw an escort once a month or so? Would you be happy with masturbating while talking to them/holding them/just having them involved somehow? Is there something that they feel 'obligated' to do during sex that you could eliminate (e.g. some women feel obligated to produce an orgasm for their partner - if that was removed from the equation, would it help? This is just an example.) Could you watch some porn together - porn that you BOTH like? Anything really - I'm just throwing some examples out there.

But I feel like coming to the other person and saying 'this sucks - can't you just make it better?' is unlikely to work. They, in all likelihood, know it sucks. If they could make it better, they probably would.

(I actually suggested a few things to my husband ... unfortunately he wasn't keen on any of them, but I got over the problem eventually anyway.)

 

[LTMMC]

dear Cherry Brandy, dear Kim,

I appreciate both of you applying your collective thinking power on the subject of this debate -- or conversation. And I admit before I write more, that my way of looking at this issue may be driven by too much over-simplification.

But nevertheless I posit a logical error in your thinking, Kim: if you truly had made the problem your husband had your own problem also, (with your sexuality taking a dive southwards) you would have done something about it.

No woman can tell me, she doesn’t know a way to give a man some kind of sexual pleasure, even if she happens to not feel like it at the moment”. It’s not rocket science for sure. Men are fairly simple creatures after all.

But all this damned thinking of self-realization has ruined the most rudimentary knowledge women had acquired over centuries of time. Someone on this thread had phrased that in the most basic possible way: give your man an orgasm every day, and all your marital problems will go away!

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

I appreciate both of you applying your collective thinking power on the subject of this debate -- or conversation. And I admit before I write more, that my way of looking at this issue may be driven by too much over-simplification.

But nevertheless I posit a logical error in your thinking, Kim: if you truly had made the problem your husband had your own problem also, (with your sexuality taking a dive southwards) you would have done something about it.

No woman can tell me, she doesn’t know a way to give a man some kind of sexual pleasure, even if she happens to not feel like it at the moment”. It’s not rocket science for sure. Men are fairly simple creatures after all.

But all this damned thinking of self-realization has ruined the most rudimentary knowledge women had acquired over centuries of time. Someone on this thread had phrased that in the most basic possible way: give your man an orgasm every day, and all your marital problems will go away!

When a woman is deep into the mindset that she doesn't want sex, for whatever reason, the last thing she wants is the added responsibility of giving a man an orgasm a day lol

It's as ridiculous as the stuff in magazines that say - allocate a special night, run her a bath, fill it with rose petals .............. yeah right, after week one, she'll be staying late at work and deheading the roses

 

[KimGordon67]

I appreciate both of you applying your collective thinking power on the subject of this debate -- or conversation. And I admit before I write more, that my way of looking at this issue may be driven by too much over-simplification.

But nevertheless I posit a logical error in your thinking, Kim: if you truly had made the problem your husband had your own problem also, (with your sexuality taking a dive southwards) you would have done something about it.

No woman can tell me, she doesn’t know a way to give a man some kind of sexual pleasure, even if she happens to not feel like it at the moment”. It’s not rocket science for sure. Men are fairly simple creatures after all.

But all this damned thinking of self-realization has ruined the most rudimentary knowledge women had acquired over centuries of time. Someone on this thread had phrased that in the most basic possible way: give your man an orgasm every day, and all your marital problems will go away!

You're making a lot ofassumptions. I actually did offer to facilitate my husband having orgasms. He wasn't keen on the idea if I wasn't also getting something out of it.
You might be a 'fairly simple creature' but not all men are, and not all women feel in control of sex. May be if people stopped framing this as some weird gender war thing, things might get resolved a little easier.

I totally stand by my prior post.

 

[Dejavu99]

hey, some men turn out to be bigger kids and more demanding than the kids - not saying you're one of them but guys aren't always blameless. And some guys would pay good money for a bit of abuse, enjoy it ........... I'm joking - ish ....

Stress of handling Kid/parenting is serious reason for lack of sexual appetite

 

[Wishingbox]

I've been thinking about this whole 'sexless marriage' thing that comes up again and again. Truly, in most cases, I'm pretty sure the partner who doesn't want sex understands that this is less than ideal. (I know there's exceptions, people who just say 'no, and it's not my problem that this is a problem for you'.) Speaking from experience of being the person who didn't want sex for some years while I was married, I was fully aware that this was crap for my husband ... but knowing that didn't make me want to have sex with him. And I literally had no explanation for why I felt like that. I just did.

So, with that in mind, maybe instead of approaching it as a 'problem' that the other person has to fix (because they probably can't magically fix it), come to them with some actual solutions that you can at least have a conversation around. How would they feel if you saw an escort once a month or so? Would you be happy with masturbating while talking to them/holding them/just having them involved somehow? Is there something that they feel 'obligated' to do during sex that you could eliminate (e.g. some women feel obligated to produce an orgasm for their partner - if that was removed from the equation, would it help? This is just an example.) Could you watch some porn together - porn that you BOTH like? Anything really - I'm just throwing some examples out there.

But I feel like coming to the other person and saying 'this sucks - can't you just make it better?' is unlikely to work. They, in all likelihood, know it sucks. If they could make it better, they probably would.

(I actually suggested a few things to my husband ... unfortunately he wasn't keen on any of them, but I got over the problem eventually anyway.)

I think you raise a lot of great points. We aught to try and bring solutions and try and set realistic expectations from what we want and what our SO can provide.

There is a fine line between finding ways to get your SO more interested in sex either by trying new things or accommodating for needs outside the bedroom which impact sexual energy vs feeling like sex is an obligatory chore.

Nothing feels more degrading then discovering the other is in chore mode. The part I struggle with is managing my expectations. Sex seems like it’s my responsibility to initiate and I don’t know if it’s going to happen or not until the end of the day. You can only attempt a thing or look forward to it so many times before you become resentful when it doesn’t happen.

I don’t fault or even expect her to change. I also know she wishes she could change her drive and feels shitty about not having a drive to match my desire.

 

[HUNGRYHOLLOW]

Not all women..I wish it was that simple.

If you know how to work it we do

 

[SunkenMeadow]

Not all women..I wish it was that simple.

Nothing is ever simple in a relationship. If it was simple we wouldn’t need to be here.

 

[10169kek]

I've been thinking about this whole 'sexless marriage' thing that comes up again and again. Truly, in most cases, I'm pretty sure the partner who doesn't want sex understands that this is less than ideal. (I know there's exceptions, people who just say 'no, and it's not my problem that this is a problem for you'.) Speaking from experience of being the person who didn't want sex for some years while I was married, I was fully aware that this was crap for my husband ... but knowing that didn't make me want to have sex with him. And I literally had no explanation for why I felt like that. I just did.

So, with that in mind, maybe instead of approaching it as a 'problem' that the other person has to fix (because they probably can't magically fix it), come to them with some actual solutions that you can at least have a conversation around. How would they feel if you saw an escort once a month or so? Would you be happy with masturbating while talking to them/holding them/just having them involved somehow? Is there something that they feel 'obligated' to do during sex that you could eliminate (e.g. some women feel obligated to produce an orgasm for their partner - if that was removed from the equation, would it help? This is just an example.) Could you watch some porn together - porn that you BOTH like? Anything really - I'm just throwing some examples out there.

But I feel like coming to the other person and saying 'this sucks - can't you just make it better?' is unlikely to work. They, in all likelihood, know it sucks. If they could make it better, they probably would.

(I actually suggested a few things to my husband ... unfortunately he wasn't keen on any of them, but I got over the problem eventually anyway.)

I loved what you had to say. My wife refuted attempts for sex and perhaps once a month or every other month she would say yes. It was virtually a masturbation since she couldn't wait to get it over. I had asked over the years what the issue was and she said "It's me". I asked what can I do to make it better ???. I got no reply. I suggested counseling etc but nothing worked.

One day she finally said in a very nasty and condescending tone .. "I have no interest, no desire, handle it". I was disraught. I asked several times to discuss it to no avail. I stopped any and all forms of intimacy, hoping that it might "shame" her into at least discussing what the issues were, NOTHING. Now 10 years down the road I catch some occasional action but its like masturbating, no connection.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I appreciate both of you applying your collective thinking power on the subject of this debate -- or conversation. And I admit before I write more, that my way of looking at this issue may be driven by too much over-simplification.

But nevertheless I posit a logical error in your thinking, Kim: if you truly had made the problem your husband had your own problem also, (with your sexuality taking a dive southwards) you would have done something about it.

No woman can tell me, she doesn’t know a way to give a man some kind of sexual pleasure, even if she happens to not feel like it at the moment”. It’s not rocket science for sure. Men are fairly simple creatures after all.

But all this damned thinking of self-realization has ruined the most rudimentary knowledge women had acquired over centuries of time. Someone on this thread had phrased that in the most basic possible way: give your man an orgasm every day, and all your marital problems will go away!

shouldn't it be the other way around - give your wife an orgasm a day and all your marital problems will go away???

Honestly, the assumptions you make are utterly ludicrous and a bit out of touch with the multiple reasons some shun away from sex in a marriage...

 

[Specula]

I don't know if my reply will fit in here but, mine marriage isn't sexless because of lack of interest. Both me and my husband are very interested. But because of our home situation, sex hasn't happened hardly ever lately. I hate it. I'm envious of those that are more active...

why not nearby hotels?

 

[Islander55]

shouldn't it be the other way around - give your wife an orgasm a day and all your marital problems will go away???

Honestly, the assumptions you make are utterly ludicrous and a bit out of touch with the multiple reasons some shun away from sex in a marriage...

If you are both really interested, there are places and ways to have sex and they can add a bit of spice to the encounter.

 

[Wand3rlust]

But nevertheless I posit a logical error in your thinking, Kim: if you truly had made the problem your husband had your own problem also, (with your sexuality taking a dive southwards) you would have done something about it.

No woman can tell me, she doesn’t know a way to give a man some kind of sexual pleasure, even if she happens to not feel like it at the moment”. It’s not rocket science for sure. Men are fairly simple creatures after all.

I don't feel comfortable with this. If I don't 'feel like it at the moment', then guiltily me, coercing me, saying that I know how to do it is ALL kinds of wrong.

At the ned of the day, the single most important thing is communication. If you are communicating with each other then situations can be resolved. Whether that be together, or apart. But communication is key.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I don't feel comfortable with this. If I don't 'feel like it at the moment', then guiltily me, coercing me, saying that I know how to do it is ALL kinds of wrong.

At the ned of the day, the single most important thing is communication. If you are communicating with each other then situations can be resolved. Whether that be together, or apart. But communication is key.

I do think communication is key, but it doesn't necessarily lead to resolution. As has been said by others, relationships are complicated with their own logic. But that inner logic is often not very logical!

I think being honest with oneself is an important starting point - many of us are quick, and often easily, blame the other, but it is their dynamic with us that is effecting them in some way...

 

[Mtnmike]

I do think communication is key, but it doesn't necessarily lead to resolution. As has been said by others, relationships are complicated with their own logic. But that inner logic is often not very logical!

I think being honest with oneself is an important starting point - many of us are quick, and often easily, blame the other, but it is their dynamic with us that is effecting them in some way...

Very well put Lost.

 

[LTMMC]

I don't feel comfortable with this. If I don't 'feel like it at the moment', then guiltily me, coercing me, saying that I know how to do it is ALL kinds of wrong.

At the ned of the day, the single most important thing is communication. If you are communicating with each other then situations can be resolved. Whether that be together, or apart. But communication is key.

I can see you not feeling comfortable about my statement. You are a woman after all, and women have been taught by their mothers usually, how precious the lock is to any box they possess.

My statement meant to say nothing other than “if you care about your needy husband, you’ll find a way to make him feel good”. And of course for it to work out, it must happen out of caring, not because hubby complains. If he neds to say something to you verbally, it won't happen anyway.

I know that I would oblige a woman if she asked me, regardless of whether I felt “in the mood” or not. Providing she enjoys my tongue or my fingers. And sometimes a man gets surprised by his appetite returning, when his woman gives him encouraging feedback. That's the kind of communication, which works all the time. "Talking things over" usually does not.

 

[latz101]

Im also in a sexless marriage. Its tough; Sometimes I really need to bang someone. Male, female, vaginal intercourse or pegging, it doesnt matter. I just need to be ejaculating in some way.

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

Im also in a sexless marriage. Its tough; Sometimes I really need to bang someone. Male, female, vaginal intercourse or pegging, it doesnt matter. I just need to be ejaculating in some way.

Wonderfully put, there'll be a queue around the block

 

[LTMMC]

For me, and it’s similar for other people, it kind of just happens. There usually isn’t a big, inciting incident that changes the course of your sex life completely. It is gradual, a steady decline of intimacy as a result of increased work, kids, family pressures. You are so focused on all of these other aspects of life, then you sort of realise it’s been weeks since you last had sex.

And for one person, that’s fine, it’s not a priority. But for me, it becomes an urgent need. And not even sex itself, but intimacy and connection. Without that, I feel like a lesser person, someone who isn’t loved but rather tolerated.

You posted something amazingly true, S&D: intimacy and a connection matter far more than sex. Nobody can tell me that spouses "not feeling in the mood tonight" are incapable of providing these two, if they cared.

 

[LustyScribe]

Im also in a sexless marriage. Its tough; Sometimes I really need to bang someone. Male, female, vaginal intercourse or pegging, it doesnt matter. I just need to be ejaculating in some way.

Well, that's about as succinct, honest and straightforward as I've seen it put anywhere! I wish you the best of luck, my friend!

 

[hulmule]

For me, and it’s similar for other people, it kind of just happens. There usually isn’t a big, inciting incident that changes the course of your sex life completely. It is gradual, a steady decline of intimacy as a result of increased work, kids, family pressures. You are so focused on all of these other aspects of life, then you sort of realise it’s been weeks since you last had sex.

And for one person, that’s fine, it’s not a priority. But for me, it becomes an urgent need. And not even sex itself, but intimacy and connection. Without that, I feel like a lesser person, someone who isn’t loved but rather tolerated.

Sums it up... It's sad, my wife has no interest at all.... I starve for affection, kissing hugs and touch. Went a got a massage the other day to try and get a connection for touch. didnt do what i needed. WHY, what can be done to bring it back? Life is to short , it's a shame people dont get it....

 

[Mtnmike]

Sums it up... It's sad, my wife has no interest at all.... I starve for affection, kissing hugs and touch. Went a got a massage the other day to try and get a connection for touch. didnt do what i needed. WHY, what can be done to bring it back? Life is to short , it's a shame people dont get it....

I hear big time, would love to feel that touch & to feel wanted occasionally, is that to much to ask for.

 

[Led_Astray]

It started tailing off after marriage. Stereotypical right? I was still just as keen as ever, but getting rejected night after night, well, eventually you stop asking.

Everything else is great. We are a good team, we have been married over 20 years and have a wonderful son, a good life.

We went through an iffy patch when I was super stressed with work which kicked by mild depression into high gear. During that time we seemed to fall out of love, but we got through that and are still together, still happy, and back in love.

The lack of sex came up at the time, and we said we'd talk about it when I was in a better place mentally. But we never did. And you can only approach the subject so many times without a response before you stop trying to talk about it.

I became super prolific on Lit for a while, with lots of regular writing and chatting partners, but regretfully things eventually tailed away for one reason or another, and eventually the meds that manage my depression drained a lot of my passion for writing. So now I just watch porn and take care of myself, and visit Lit much more sporadically (though I am still friends with some Litsters via other social media).

Except...

I want to be intimate with somebody. I don't just want to get off. I want to hold, caress, and explore. To feel wanted, to have an encounter where both people are enjoying themselves and having genuine fun, not just sex but actual fun. To feel passion again, and to have somebody feel the same way about me.

Its hard to image that happening, though. There is so much good in the relationship, and I'd hate to hurt somebody which seems inevitable, one way or the other, if I seek a relationship outside of marriage.

Assuming I could even find a willing partner, I'm not exactly an Adonis or a silver-tongued master of seduction. Sex workers are obtainable and discrete, of course, but its hardly the same level of intimacy when the other person is being paid, no matter how much enthusiasm they pretend to have.

I guess this is me, now. Feels better to share it, though, its not something I can usually talk about.

It's been a while, Literoticans. How have you been?

So, its finally happening. Not sex, but divorce. We drifted apart and had nothing left in common apart from an amazing son, but that apparently wasn't enough for her. Nobody's fault really but once I got over the shock and sadness, I've accepted its probably the best thing. Not an ideal situation for my son but she wasn't willing to do anything to improve the situation so here we are.

Perhaps this means I can get back in the saddle, so to speak. I have no idea how one goes about dating these days but I am sure I can adapt.

Keep safe, folks.

 

[LustyScribe]

It's been a while, Literoticans. How have you been?

So, its finally happening. Not sex, but divorce. We drifted apart and had nothing left in common apart from an amazing son, but that apparently wasn't enough for her. Nobody's fault really but once I got over the shock and sadness, I've accepted its probably the best thing. Not an ideal situation for my son but she wasn't willing to do anything to improve the situation so here we are.

Perhaps this means I can get back in the saddle, so to speak. I have no idea how one goes about dating these days but I am sure I can adapt.

Keep safe, folks.

I'm both sad for you at the way it turned out, and happy for the hope that you find someone who is willing and eager to live out love in ALL of its forms. Best of luck to you!