Sexless Marriages. Why they happen.

[LMWM321]

There have been countless threads on Literotica from men who are frustrated their marriages have become sexless - and many are truly heartbreaking. Some of the women who have participated in these threads have offered their reasons for why they have called a halt to sex. Below is my best effort at summarizing these reasons in the hopes that something might be learned...

1. She’s exhausted and resentful because he fails to contribute equally to household and child rearing duties.
2. The man who once dressed nicely and woo’ed her with charm and humor now dresses like a slob, lets his hygiene lapse and seems bored with any conversation that isn’t about sex or sports. OR, he only lays on the charm when he wants sex.
3. There was never a strong mutual physical attraction to begin with. Until relatively recently, most women planned to be homemakers, so they prioritized finding a man who would be a good provider and a good father, over one who is likely to be a great lover for decades.
4. The husband was a selfish and impatient lover before menopause and now that it’s here, which makes moving slowly and being patient absolutely crucial, he can’t make the adjustment. Consequently, she calls a halt to sex rather than have sex that is either not enjoyable or even outright painful.
5. Menopause has lead to a steep drop in her testosterone level. For over a decade Doctors in the UK and Australia have routinely offered women testosterone cream when they enter menopause, but not here in the US. Thankfully, the FDA seems poised to change this.
6. Menopause has crushed the wife’s self-image because of weight-gain, loss of muscle tone, thinning hair, etc. If a woman doesn’t feel sexy any more, she’s less likely to want sex.
7. Husband’s porn viewing habits. Knowing the man she married is watching much younger and tighter-bodied women doing crazier things than she’d ever do leaves her feeling sexually irrelevant, left behind, and deeply resentful.

Others?

 

[Britva415]

8. One spouse or the other comes out as having a sexual orientation that’s incompatible with the other partner. They stay together for reasons - or they don’t, that happens too - but either way they end their sexual relationship with each other.

Or maybe they don’t come out, but this is still the reason.

 

[hulmule]

#9 The wife never was into sex, then menopause hits. Its painful for her, itchy etc. Wont take anything because its cancer causing. She says she dont even think about sex at all.
My side . Always been to sexual for her. She never understood it. I'm in nice shape, her friends have told I'm attractive and in nice shape. I try and just rubb her body " ok thats been long enough"

 

[LMWM321]

8. One spouse or the other comes out as having a sexual orientation that’s incompatible with the other partner. They stay together for reasons - or they don’t, that happens too - but either way they end their sexual relationship with each other.

Or maybe they don’t come out, but this is still the reason.

Definitely a good point. In another thread there is a bunch of bi-sexual men who are complaining about the lack of sex with their wives. And while I truly believe being bi-sexual is a healthy and normal sexual orientation, I can understand how it would be disorienting to a woman who marries a man believing he is heterosexual then finds out years later he's not. The lesson? Be honest about your sexual orientation with your partners! Otherwise, it feels a bit like a bait-and-switch.

 

[Britva415]

The lesson? Be honest about your sexual orientation with your partners! Otherwise, it feels a bit like a bait-and-switch.

Sometimes the people don't know - aren't "out to themselves" - when they get married. Yes, it does happen that people get married without being honest about it and being intentional about the closeting, but it's probably more often true that people don't figure out their own orientation until it's "too late" as far as the commitment is concerned.

That's what has happened in mine. It's fine, we're remaining together but we aren't lovers. Loved ones but not that. We opened the marriage. So it's a sexless marriage but only "within" it. I don't suffer a sexless life, nor the prospect of that never ending or the prospect of it ending our marriage, anymore.

 

[Dhfranklin94]

#9 The wife never was into sex, then menopause hits. Its painful for her, itchy etc. Wont take anything because its cancer causing. She says she dont even think about sex at all.
My side . Always been to sexual for her. She never understood it. I'm in nice shape, her friends have told I'm attractive and in nice shape. I try and just rubb her body " ok thats been long enough"

I've heard that before many times.

 

[hulmule]

I've heard that before many times.

Sadly, what ever the case is. The male 90% most of the time(IMO) is the person in a sexless marriage. When you had it for years and then it stops, it drives you to do things- Come to LIT

 

[write_or_wrong]

Nice job,

LMWM321​

, getting us started. Another possibility is: people change. Sometimes one or the other, maybe both. In my case, I happened to be the one with a job outside the home that took me all over the world, meeting new people and learning new things (never cheating, BTW). She seemed happy to watch soap operas and the Home Shopping Network. We just drifted apart. Should we have worked on it, sure. But neither of us seemed to want to.

 

[magicalmoments]

With us it was a mix of penile dysfunction from me and menopause occurring in the same time frame. I lost the ability, she lost the desire. I found the little blue pills had no effect on me, I could get a semi stiff, not enough for penetration, but can still ejaculate with oral and hand jobs, but she is just not interested, at all.

 

[LMWM321]

Sometimes the people don't know - aren't "out to themselves" - when they get married. Yes, it does happen that people get married without being honest about it and being intentional about the closeting, but it's probably more often true that people don't figure out their own orientation until it's "too late" as far as the commitment is concerned.

Hopefully this will happen less and less as society becomes more accepting of gay/bi-sexuality, especially parents raising kids. We told our kids at an early age that they were encouraged to "be who they were meant to be" when it comes to sex. We had this conversation with them a week or so after a Rutgers University student, who was outed on Facebook by his piece-of-shit roommate, jumped from the George Washington. Bridge. He felt suicide was better than facing his horrible parents. I remember choking back tears telling my kids "Promise us this will NOT be you! We don't care if you're gay, straight, or bi." Having this conversation with your kids should be Parenting 101.

 

[write_or_wrong]

Bless you for that.

 

[StrongMaster7]

Wife had a few bad experiences in her early teens. She says, “Sex is not important to me. I don’t think about sex.”

My “big mistake” was enjoying having sex with her every time we spent the night together when we were dating and engaged and thinking that meant we would have sex every night of our marriage. ANYTHING BUT! I would have married her anyway, but it would be great to have a ‘hall pass’ to relieve my excess need.

 

[HornyLittleDevil2026]

I think in our experience, we fall into something similar to #3. I had wanted to get married for as long as I could remember. She did too and was actually saving herself for marriage, something difficult to do when your in your 20s much less 30s as she was. I had not saved myself for marriage and was fucking as many women as I could over a 20 year period, falling in love with many of them but always ending up getting hurt. At some point, l stopped becoming emotionally invested and just looked to getting laid. That worked. I'd never been happier. Then I meet my future wife and I consider her to be the next in a long line of conquests. But she reveals she's a virgin, which floored me considering her age at the time (34). On our 2nd or 3rd date, she tells me she loves me and being enamored by her, l told her the same. Fast forward another month or so, and I take her virginity while we're fooling around one afternoon. She was not happy at her carelessness and feeling the guilt at wrecking 34 years of virtue, I proposed. However, our married sex life has been about as stale as a piece of month old Wonder Bread and all I can think about are my swinging single days which are long gone.

 

[HornyLittleDevil2026]

She really is my best friend and we are great partners in raising our daughter and running the house. Our daughter is a blessing and even if our marriage fails, she is a constant reminder as to why our union would not have been in vain. As sexless as it is our marriage is overall a happy one. Would we rather flirt and grabass all throughout the day with nights full of unbridled passion? Of course. But I don't know what to do to regain the spark. Date nights, anniversaries, and telling one another, "I love you" as often as we can doesn't do the trick. I show my love by the little things, some of which gets overlooked because as with any woman, she would rather get ravaged over me going out of my way to pick up things for dinner so that she doesn't have to, or working two jobs to help pay our bills. And I don't blame her. All you see on TV and movies and read in books is sex, sex, sex. We see people at church with 4, 5, 6, 8, 10, 12 kids, and we barely managed to crank out one.

 

[LMWM321]

3 pretty clear take-aways from these heartbreaking stories...

1. Sexual compatibility is essential for a full-fledged marriage, though maybe not for a sexless "friend-zone" marriage, which can still be a loving and worthwhile union for some people.
2. Before marrying, there needs to be a shared understanding of what will happen should one spouse decide they are permanently done having sex. Divorce? Open the marriage? Allow NSA hookups?
3. Know your sexual orientation and be honest about it with your spouse before marrying them. A woman can have very progressive views about sex but still not want to be married to a man who is bisexual. So, finding out he is after years of marriage can make her feel sexually incompatible - ie., that she can never fully satisfy him because she doesn't have a dick. As a consequence, a sexual disconnect ensues. I realize that for some men, the awareness they are "bi" comes later in life. Well, hopefully this will happen less as society becomes more open and accepting of this perfectly normal sexual orientation so fewer men will ignore and suppress it when they are younger.

 

[BabyBrewer]

There have been countless threads from men who are frustrated their marriages have become sexless

I do wonder how many women sit quietly wondering the same...

I think another reason is the hustle of the modern must go faster online world along with lengthening times we are active parents. I know there are times I'm knackered and show little interest in my partner. Go to bed different times etc.

keeping a marriage alive as a sexual couple takes work that I wonder how many of us actually invest? We all change over time and if we don't keep up, we get left behind.

 

[write_or_wrong]

3 pretty clear take-aways from these heartbreaking stories...

1. Sexual compatibility is essential to a full-fledged marriage, but perhaps not for a sexless "friend-zone" marriage, which can still be a loving and worthwhile union for some people.
2. Before marrying, there needs to be a shared understanding of what will happen should one spouse decide they are permanently done having sex. Divorce? Open the marriage? Allow NSA hookups?
3. Know your sexual orientation and be honest about it with your spouse before marrying them. A woman can have very progressive views about sex but still not want to be married to a man who is bisexual. So, finding out he is after years of marriage can make her feel sexually incompatible - ie., she can never fully satisfy him because she doesn't have a dick. As a consequence, a sexual disconnect ensues. I realize that for some men, the awareness they are "bi" comes later in life. Well, hopefully this will happen less as society becomes more open and accepting of this perfectly normal sexual orientation so fewer men will ignore and suppress it when they are younger.

Totally agree with your conclusions - with one suggestion: Change "before marrying" to "before you get engaged." Once the engagement is made and announced, the momentum towards the wedding is monumental. I hate roller coasters because the irrational part of my brain is convinced that some slacker on sativa forgot to tighten some bolt and I am facing a horrible death. The day after my GF and I announced our engagement, I felt as if I was on the beginning of a roller coaster listening to click after click (think day after day) as I was elevated and primed towards that certain death. Unless there is an earth-shaking moment as in the end of "The Graduate" movie, it's too late. But, as millions have said, communication is the key. And, to give credit to an ex-GF, 90-day "check-ins" need to be serious and honest because situations and people change.

 

[Britva415]

finding out he is after years of marriage can make her feel sexually incompatible - ie., she can never fully satisfy him because she doesn't have a dick

The first part is a him problem: If he hides it, that's bad m'kay.

The second part is a her problem: It isn't "real," she can get over it. To treat this like it isn't merely her own insecurity is to reinforce the very harmful stereotype that bisexual people can't be monogamous.

 

[writerzblok92]

The wife decided that sex once or twice a year (often with a year or more lapse in between sessions) was excessive and said she can live without sex. My opinion or feelings on the subject weren't taken into consideration.

 

[Britva415]

The wife decided that sex once or twice a year (often with a year or more lapse in between sessions) was excessive and said she can live without sex. My opinion or feelings on the subject weren't taken into consideration.

"The husband decided that N years without any sex at all was excessive and said he could live without this marriage. Her opinion or feelings on the subject weren't taken into consideration."

I get that that's a hard decision. My personal opinion is that this kind of disregard and unwillingness to communicate is a far bigger problem in a supposedly trusting, loving partner relationship than whatever's happening or not-happening sexually. I'd leave over that, alone, nevermind the sex. And I almost did. But she came around and started talking.

 

[SlutAddicted]

While a wife's interest in sex may wane as she gets older, sometimes the opposite is true. She gets more interested in sex, but that appetite also becomes more refined. She comes to understand her sexual needs as she matures, but her husband's appetite does not become more refined. So, even if he has maintained himself and does the things to stay engaged and her appetite is increased, the gap between what she wants and what he offers has grown.

I think that for men some sex is better than others but it is mostly all at least good enough to be engaging. However, I think that the female orgasm is more elusive than the male orgasm and for them sex is not always engaging. And if it isn't up to standard she would rather skip it.

Kind of like one's palette. Once one has experienced really well prepared food, appetite may increase at the same time as willingness to accept a lesser offering diminishes.

She actually wants sex more, but also wants it better.

 

[LMWM321]

The first part is a him problem: If he hides it, that's bad m'kay.

The second part is a her problem: It isn't "real," she can get over it. To treat this like it isn't merely her own insecurity is to reinforce the very harmful stereotype that bisexual people can't be monogamous.

It's a good point and that also occurred to me as I was writing my remarks. But that notwithstanding, the fact remains that women finding out decades into a marriage that their husband is attracted to other men has been cited as a cause for strain in a marriage. So, it's best to avoid this by knowing oneself before you propose to someone (thanks @write_or_wrong) and being honest and upfront.

You mention that some men don't know that they are bi until much later in life. I believe you. But I also suspect that there are men who DID know but chose not to share it, which is withholding an important "truth" about oneself from one's wife.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

There have been countless threads from men who are frustrated their marriages have become sexless - and they are truly heartbreaking. I've listed many of the reasons that are cited by women responding in these threads. Maybe there is something to be learned...

1. She’s exhausted and resentful because he fails to contribute equally to household and child rearing duties.
2. The man who once dressed nicely and woo’ed her with charm and humor now dresses like a slob, lets his hygiene lapse and seems bored with any conversation that isn’t about sex or sports. OR, he only lays on the charm when he wants sex.
3. There was never a strong mutual physical attraction to begin with. Until relatively recently, most women planned to be homemakers, so they prioritized finding a man who would be a good provider and a good father, over one who is likely to be a great lover for decades.
4. The husband was a selfish lover before menopause and now that it’s here, which makes moving slowly and being patient absolutely crucial, he can’t make the adjustment. Consequently, she calls a halt to sex rather than engage in sex that is either not enjoyable or even outright painful.
5. Menopause has lead to a steep drop in her testosterone level. For over a decade Doctors in the UK and Australia have routinely offered women testosterone cream when they enter menopause, but not here in the US. Thankfully, the FDA seems poised to change this.
6. Menopause has crushed the wife’s self-image because of weight-gain, loss of muscle tone, thinning hair, etc. If a woman doesn’t feel sexy any more, she’s less likely to want sex.
7. Husband’s porn viewing habits. Knowing the man she married is watching much younger and tighter-bodied women doing crazier things than she’d ever do leaves her feeling sexually irrelevant, left behind, and deeply resentful.

Others?

Your menopause #s 4 5 and 6 LOL. Sorry had to laugh that it took almost half the reasons.
This is a natural thing that womem go through and most guys are so clueless and just dont care. Women go through a lot. Some women even go a bit crazy. I think that takes both partners caring for each other and riding out the storm.
#3 If a woman marries a guy or vice versa just for home making duties and child bearing they are doomed from the start. So no I dont pity them at all.
# 1 and 2 Thats on the guy. I like to cook and have no problem doing the dishes if she does cook. As far as the kids they grow up fast cherish the time when they are young. Trust me on that.
#7 I love women my age, young girls look great sure. But give me that fine wine.
I think most guys BS about sexless marriages. Its there way of justifying there horniness. Now if you want to tell me you miss making love to your partner that I understand. There is making love and then there is sex.
Interesting thread

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

Because people are afraid to be themselves and communicate and make brave moves if need be?

 

[LMWM321]

She comes to understand her sexual needs as she matures, but her husband's appetite does not become more refined. So, even if he has maintained himself and does the things to stay engaged and her appetite is increased, the gap between what she wants and what he offers has grown.

I like your whole post! As to the above comment, I wonder to what extent Porn - which is mainly produced by and for men - contributes to this.